Sounds like you did the right thing for him/her but more importantly, for you. That's what matters.

What you've said about deeper issues? They say that on every episode of the show Hoarders. They have a clinical psychologist/psychiatrist that helps with the patient who is learning to unravel their condition. You're smart not to get too involved. Hoarding looks to be a complicated course in which to maneuver, and it takes professionals to get them out of it. Be true to you!

Hopefully you weren't her only friend.

I don't visit my twin sister in FL because she is a hoarder. There is no room for a guest to stay at her house. Every room has boxes piled high to the ceiling with narrow paths going through the maze. And since she is in a tourist area, the cost of hotels is through the roof. So not only have the cost of an airplane ticket, car and meals but also a room. Too pricey for our budget. I haven't visited since 2009 and don't know if I ever will. She knows that is the reason but can't seem to change.

You probably don't want to stay in the house anyway. Hordes create a very sick house. There's little to no air moving. Vents and return ducts are covered creating no air movement. Dampness building up creates mold. No cleaning creates a lot of dust and dirt build up and add to that the bugs and their feces. So many negative aspects to the actual house itself on top of the dangers of the hordes collapsing.

All of the shows try to determine the underlying cause of their illness. Rarely is it just a lazy Sloppy person there's a deep rooted issue.

You could call the number given on the show to see if she could be provided some mental health help.

Then add pets to the scenario. Goodness grief.

I honestly can't watch these shows. Of course, it is deep seeded and psychological.

Caflower, I too have a twin. I can't imagine how I would feel if she lived this way. So stressful. Why do you think your sister became a hoarder, and yet you did not?

You can't cure hoarders. It is a terrible fact. They must be monitored all their lives and will resent it. In England, they moved hoarders out of their homes and into a nursing home facilities and find that they exhibit the same behavior with food or paper products. They can't be left to their own devices. There is no reason to feel guilt in ending a relationship. You cannot allow yourself to become part of this dangerous and unhealthy life style.

That sounds like a really difficult situation. Thirty five year old friendships are not ended easily. I hope you are at peace with your decision and that maybe you helped spur your friend to take action. It sounds like your friend is not letting go of "stuff" and of terrible emotions stemming from the trauma you mentioned in the 80s.

Eld6161 - All us kids seemed to have inherited the gene from my mom. She wasn't as bad as my sister because my dad would not allowed it. We are talking 1944-1988. I guess I don't have that extreme hoarding gene, we are fraternal twins, and also married a man that likes thing neat and who can't stand clutter. I must admit I like a minimalistic look too.

Who funds compulsive buyers? It doesn't sound as though they could skip...leaving all their 'things' behind, along with their bad credit. Who enables hoarders -- or the morbidly obese, or addicts? Wouldn't the enabler have to have some complimentary psychological problems?

Is it like extreme 'nesting'? Do we know what triggers these compulsions? Are there medications that help?

My route to town passes a house where I believe a hoarder must live. The house is crumbling, and I can see windows partially obscured by piles of stuff.

A fireman friend recounted climbing into a window and onto a kitchen counter. It wasn't the kitchen; stacks of hoardings. He followed a narrow 'trail' looking for the source of the smoke. The occupant became hysterical when forced to leave the house.

Hoarders often go deeply in debt whether it is shopping or acquiring used items. Jobs often suffer or go away leaving them in danger of losing their homes. Often this is the only time there is any intervention. Hoarders guard their lifestyle and most often don't allow others in the home so as to conceal the behavior. Yes. I knew a hoarder.

Sad to end a friendship, Scott, but it sounds like you didn't take that step lightly.

And no, I do not think getting counseling is an indication of weakness, craziness, or anything negative. My understanding is that you sometimes have to try several mental health professionals before you find one you "click" with.

I think being a little bit nuts may make a person more interesting, at first. Over time it makes the relationship impossible, a few weeks is my limit. 35 years is a loooooooooooong time to be friends with someone. I'd think you'd know what to expect by then. Did something change?

Maybe I changed. I think I am much more aware of behaviors and motivations than I was when I was younger. Plus she wasn't always a hoarder. I noticed the hoarding really exacerbated after her father died. And a long period of unemployment and also too much exposure to certain news network really started to take its toll on her. She does have a job now, but the last straw for me was her constant complaints about a co-worker which for me really revealed her deep seated racism.

Sounds like you need a break from her. She sounds intense. People rarely live up to our expectations and to ad to THAT you don't agree on news issues she now believes as truth? She seems small and jaded when she spouts racist views you don't support or want to be around. I get it....but...maybe...take a break....

So did you end the friendship because of her hoarding or because you think she's racist?

People change as years go by. Hopefully, we become better, wiser people as we get older. But sometimes people become bitter and angry over the years. A friendship can become toxic in this case. I hope this friend gets some counseling or help with her issues.

I was watching one of those hoarding shows and the psychologist said to one of the hoarders something I think is at the root of much hoarding, "The people around you all left (her mother was an alcoholic who spent most of the hoarder's childhood passed out, her father died when she was 16 then she was cared for by an aunt and uncle who also died) but your stuff won't leave." After she had processed that thought, she was able to let go of the stuff.

Scott, I'll bet that you feel a sense of relief now that you are away from the negativity. If she won't get the professional help that she needs, then you need to separate yourself from the situation.

Colleenoz, that is very interesting. I am sure there are so many reasons and a good therapist can help get to the individualized root of the problem, as each person is unique.

I know Holocaust survivors often hoard food or canned goods. This, of course, makes sense. It's just if they go to the extreme.

People who date back to the Great Depression might covet things also - to a degree that seems excessive to others - due to childhood exposure to deprivation. But likewise I'm not saying this is all some "hoarding" is, instead hoarding is hoarding. By definition a malfunction.

A person who had a limited supply of anything early in life is always going to be more aware of the supply of food/money/clothing/whatever. I don't know how it becomes a fixation.

My grandmother would scold me for wasting water if I rinsed the dishes too long. She'd had to haul water from an outdoor pump throughout her early life.

What Sammy said

"It is unfortunate that the Psyche discipline really has no answers for
some very serious disorders. Sadder yet because they can't "cure"
them/help them as a profession they have chosen to wipe the disorder off
their lists."

The American Psychiatric Association calls it Hoarding Disorder and indicates it has links to OCD.

APA on Hoarding Disorder