Nodding my head in understanding.

I'm am so sorry, Such a terrible year for you, I don't even know what to say. Sending comforting thoughts your way.

My heart would be broken, too. I'm so sorry.

That is so terribly sad. It seems so unfair when children pass. But I believe when we pass, we go on to other things, better things. Somehow sometimes the young ones are actually old souls that need not be here long to learn what they need for the next step -- whatever, wherever that is. And somehow, if we can take some learning, grow our own empathy and compassion out of our own suffering and that of others, then at least in some small way can we improve our own corner of the world, so the tragedy need not be for naught.

I recently took a class with this author and read her book, A Short Course in Happiness After Loss. You might find it helpful.

Sending you thoughts of comfort and solace as you deal with so much grief and loss.

annie, your words hit home. I just descibed him as an old soul yesterday when reminiscèncing with a bunch of moms. I feel as much pain thinking about those he left behind as I do thinking about his dying. He was with his 11 and 9 year old brothers when he died...The three were best of friends and inseparable.

Oh, roarah, how sad for you. I'm so sorry you've had so much grief so close together.

My worst fear is having something happening to my children and they're 30 and 28. That fear never leaves.

I just cannot imagine what this young boy's family is going through and the heartache for his brothers.

My thoughts are with you and his family.

I don't believe in god and heaven either but I do believe in love. I would imagine that this young boy was well loved by his family and community and he was wrapped up in it when the unimaginable happened.

There are no words for the grief, it's eternal.

What tremendous heartache all around. I know that since becoming a mother, my response to any issue is the same, so long as it is not my child, I can handle this. But the pain is still there. The gaps left behind do not close up. You and your family have had so very much to handle this past year. I hope this time of grieving and hurt ends soon for you.

Part of my pain is that I feel that those around me suffering such horrible loss are in exchange for my happiness. My family is healthy and whole now while so many are not and I feel such guilt for that. I know it is an invalid belief and mentally I understand that my wishing for my husband to be well and my children to be safe did not cause these other families' tragedies and the universe does not play tit for tat but I still feel somehow guilty about our, so far, positive outcome.

I can not explain my reasons for these irrational feelings nor can I convince myself that it is ok for me to be grateful my family is intact when others are not. I think it is just a manifestation of my shock and sadness and grief, but I feel immense guilt.

Roarah, I think the way you are feeling is more common than you think. It's a type of survivors' guilt. I work with a woman that lost both of her best friends within two years to lung cancer. They all started smoking at the same time as young teenagers, married at about the same time, etc. They all still smoked long after they knew they should quit. After the death of her friends, a grandchild was born, a beautiful baby girl that looks exactly like my coworker. And she could not shake the feeling that she should not be enjoying her life and new grandbaby. She became convinced that something was going to happen to that grandgirl. She went to a counselor for a while and things went back to normal, pretty much. But she confided to me just a few weeks ago that she still believes the granddaughter has sort of a "cloud" over her, even though she is very rational and not superstitious.

You are a kind, compassionate, empathetic person. You are feeling this horrible death and you are grieving. It's bringing back the horror of your husband's cancer and the uncertainty you had for a while about his prognosis. It's normal to feel that same relief that everything is okay. And then guilt becomes mixed into that. We are complicated creatures.

I am so sorry.

Peace to all who are going through the grieving process.

ml

To mourn with those who mourn is a great gift of love. Be kind to yourself as well. Accept the good as you accept the bad.

I am very sorry for the boy and his family's loss. I think your feelings of survivors guilt are very normal and you have taken two good steps by sharing your feelings and seeking support (from those who are not mourning his loss). I'm wondering if after you have had some time to process your grief, if there is anything productive you can do that might help your feelings. For example perhaps fundraising for a cause related to his death or his interests in life. Just one idea I had.

I just want to say how truly sorry I am to hear of this family's loss and your suffering, as well. Such a horrible thing and life can be so unfair. Like others have said, my most fervent prayer is that my children, nieces and their kids stay safe. Yet, every victim of a tragedy was someone's child.

How incredibly sad! Both for the loss of a sweet boy, his family, and for those whose lives he touched. I am so sorry you have had so much loss and grief in the past year.

Thank you for your show of understanding and support. It helps more than I can say.

I just returned from the community candle light vigil for the little boy. All I can say is an amazing town mourns an amazing little boy and we were comforted by the words, strength, love and beliefs of his father. The family is very involved with their church and are strong believers in Jesus and heaven and their faith is giving them so much comfort and strength and though I am not a follower I am so happy they are.

The vigil ended with the dad offering to give everyone of us a hug from his son to carry home! No wonder Ben was such a great kid raised with so much grace and love. I am in awe of the family's strength.

For a moment a little brightness returned tonight after all.

Once you've lost someone close, there's a wound. It will scab over but never completely heal. Everytime you are touched by loss again, the scab gets ripped off and the bleeding starts all over again. It will scab over again, but like any wound, it remains more sensitive with every loss. That's just how it is...or so it's been for me.

((Annie)) I said that to my daughter when she asked how long it would hurt for his family. I said they will never be one hundred percent happy again but one day, hopefully in the not to distant future they will remember their son with more smiles and laughs than tears.

I am sad for everyone who mourns and for those who did not live at least the wild natural human lifespan which is thought to be around 40 years. With modern science, we ought to have 80 years at least.

Let your fears and tears be comforted with the peace that the soul is eternal and even though the body ages and dies, our spirits endure. I believe this as firmly as I believe in gravity. There are too many accounts of people who returned to their body and remember deciding if they wanted to remain or go onward. They all experienced a peace and tranquility and so i do not fear death. Those that chose to stay lived with great purpose afterward, knowing life was precious and short.

No harm should ever come to the young. I wish we could change the world to be like that.

The suffering from loss changes us forever...but not just negatively. I am more spiritual since Mom died and have grown in compassion and empathy. My attempts at self healing have led me places I would not have otherwise gone. My relationship with my mother has changed -- in many ways it has deepened and I appreciate her now and the many things she taught me so much more than I did when she was alive. And the gratitude I feel for having her as a Mom has only grown.

I know Mom didn't go through all the trouble and tribulations of motherhood to put me on the earth to be miserable -- rather she always wanted me to be nothing less than happy and joyful, so I work hard at respecting those wishes... though some days it's tougher than others. With time, the hard ones come less frequently.

Beautifully stated.

Well, grieving is natural so you are going to do it. I know since my mom died, I never feel as happy as I did before, even when I am doing something where I should be enjoying myself. I'm not a Negative Nellie though, that isn't considerate of others around me, but I am way more subdued than I was when I had not lost so much and so many. My mom had a joie de vive and died rather tragically so the irony of it hurts. Some people walk around acting half dead, but when those who are so full of life die, it just doesn't make sense to the brain. My strategy is to keep busy and keep involved with helping others. I can't bring back the dead, I can only busy myself making life less miserable for the living, which is what I try to do. Those who have lost loved ones will appreciate your company and memories. Service really helps me heal. In particular, I often dedicate my service and charity donations to those I have known and love who have passed.

How very sad for your community, but how lovely so many turned out to commemorate him. I'm sure it meant a lot to his family. They have a rough road ahead of them but clearly they will have a lot of support.

Our community lost a six year old boy five years ago. I felt the same feeling of unbearable sadness and guilt that you are feeling. My son was best friends with this boy's younger brother. The entire community mourned, wept together for years. We still do. We fed the family for more than seven months. Dozens of neighbours took turns bringing dinner to the family, long after we really needed to. Nourishing the family in that small way for months helped us more than it did the family I'm sure.

Grief is so raw, so real, so human. So unbelievably painful. I lost my sister just last year. My sister was an adult, middle aged, but my mother will never fully recover. No mother can I don't think.

I'm sorry for your suffering and for the family's terrible loss. Wishing you and your community strength and healing.

((Sochi)) Love to you and your family. I am so sorry for your losses.

We set up a meal train and the dates were filled for breakfasts, lunches and dinners in less than an hour for the next three months. Everyone just wants to make life a little bit easier for this wonderful family.

Oh, Roarah I am so very sorry for you, your family, this boy's family and your community. I can't fathom the loss of a child. My friends and family members who have lost children say it is a loss that never heals and I believe it. Be gentle with yourself and feel every feeling you need to feel. Grief is a long, difficult and exhausting process. We are here for you. Sending you thoughts of comfort and peace.

I almost think survivors guilt, like superstition, is a mechanism we have to feel more in control. It is so hard to accept that life is so random and often unfair. But the fact is the universe is indifferent to our bargaining.

I agree that life is forever diminished, forever a bit less full that it could have been, when you lose someone close. And if that death is "unfair"; untimely or senseless, etc., one adds anger to the mix.

All that assuages is an appreciation for what we once had that is lost, moments in time to reflect back, and opportunities to keep the person's memory vibrant by sharing stories and paying forward.