Tammy's answer notwithstanding, it is true that once you have children, THEY are your primary responsibility and job for the next 18-20 year. Yes, some people do get remarried, and have successful blended families, BUT you've had ample warning that this woman is NOT going to be a good person to have you your son's orbit. As a responsible parent, you have NO busines, NO right exposing your precious child to someone who isn't going to be a positive influence on him. I'm sorry to say, for the next 2 decades, you are going to have to put HIS well-being ahead of your own interests. That's what good parents do--whether they're a solid married couple or single parents. Before you date, or bring someone into your life, you need to think long and hard about how they will impact upon your child. This relationship isn't one that's going to be healthy for your son--you have to end it for that reason. That's the bottom line. Know that's probably not what you wanted to hear, but it's what any truly good parent will tell you.

Well honestly, no one ever said u had to like one another! It's nice for the kids if all the adults in their lives had one flowing ball of communication, but lets be realistic! BM probably hates u cause ur sleeping w a man she has a child by. Its one of those bitter situations of :we didnt work, so why will u: and shes gonna hate u for it. Ur SS resents u for along the same reasons, and wants to make his presence known. He wants a dog he goes to daddy and theirs nothing is stupid SM is gonna say about it, cause u are not HIS mother. Been there done that, trust me! My stepchildren were HORRORS when my DH first got together. Mind u he had already been divorced for two years, with two children: daughter 10 and son 5. And the daughter was THE WORST. Not to mention when my DH first married :at that time the children were 12 and 7: and my SD LOST IT. She and her BM were on a personal vendetta to make my life a living hell. And then fast forward to a year later when my DH and I had a daughter of our own and thats when the u know what REALLY hit the fan!! There were times then when I could say that I hated her, and she hated me I'm sure, but one day when she was at our house for the court mandated weekend, I caught her in the room w my DD. I was horrified at first, thinking, OMG is this kid gonna try and smother my child?! lol I caught her playing w the baby, and then she burst into tears. Sometimes when u hold malice towards someone u tend to get satisfaction out of their pain. Yeah, thats an ugly thing to say, but its true. However, when I saw SD crying I walked up to her and gave her a hug. I'm not saying it was like a lifetime movie after that and all, we still had our battles, and at times I had to try not to lose my mind and walk out, but here we are seven years later, two kids of my own, and two stepchildren, whom I love dearly and I know that sometimes, they love me too....lol Just stand ur ground, and understand its hard for a kid who feels like he has to compete with the new woman for some love. Sit down with him and explain to him that ur not trying to come between them, and that u want to try and share. Theres enough love for the both of u. As far as ur DH goes, though. U need to put ur foot down and let him know that u are not a chambermaid. Stop doing EVERYTHING around the house so hes stuck w chores. That'll really hit him where he lives!

Amber - I think your friend has hit it dead on. I think it's easier for us as humans to criticize someone else until we actually walk a mile in their shoes. For example: when I was a young adult, I was actually very mature and handled adult situations quite well. I held a full time job while being a full time student. I was a mom to a 6 week old husky pup that was my world. Know where my husky pup is now? With my parents... She is on her very last leg and has lived a LOT longer than most dogs live. But I abandoned her when I met Mr wonderful who was allergic to dogs. My parents remind me that I'm her mommy and I 'abandoned' her ... It's kind of a joke since it's actually a dog.... Anyway - my older sister had a baby and she couldn't hold a job, jumped from one man to the other, couldn't afford daycare. Here I was a college student, working hard to pay for books and I was often helping her pay childcare. I always criticized her. Nothing she did was right or good enough in my eyes. I was often of the opinion that she didn't deserve to be his mother and I often stated that he would be better off with ME or with my parents (with my dog). It wasn't until I had a child and then became a single mom that I realized WOW what a job it is... Try keeping a job when your kid is sick all the time or when you were up all night trying to figure out how to pay childcare AND the electric bill because both are necessary. I went out with my friends a lot and I partied... My ex would throw it in my face how I was being irresponsible and he was so much better than me because he had met someone so quickly and had settled down not two months after our divorce was final. He was such a better parent than me. I never spent money out partying.. Are you kidding? I never spent a dime of my own money... Wear some make up, your tightest jeans and laugh a little and your night is free. I'm not a whore but I did have some fun 'whore-free' nights. I just didn't jump into a new relationship like my ex did because I needed to grieve that divorce and get over all of THAT but he was such a better person than me because he didn't need to grieve I guess. My point is, I was very critical of my sister because I never knew what it was like but I thought I could do it so much better. Then I found myself in her shoes and realized I am no different than her and how I dealt with it. Then my ex criticized me for all the same things I was criticizing my sister for but alas, I still have custody and he is still the NCP -- and not for lack of trying to be custodial but because I've done nothing wrong in the eyes of the law. I provide for my child. He pays child support and complains about it and the amount and that he doesn't think I spend money on my child. Whatever-- if he only knew the expenses of childcare and food and the cost to keep the house cool in 108 degree weather. Not to mention everything else. Sounds like your BF is just miserable right now and is blaming his misery on anyone who is in the target area. I just wouldn't let him drag you down when he gets upset with bm. Just listen, dont offer advice. When he wants it, he will ask.

Emotionally it could be, like FD says, that she has always wanted MORE of a relationship, so I'd ask BF if he thinks that's the case. Has she been pining away for him during the past two years? How long have you and BF been together? I have to ask: were you dating BF when he had this one-night stand with her? Was she hoping he'd dump you for her? (I highly doubt this last scenario is how it went, but if so it would shed light and wouldn't say much good for her motivations.) As for financial, she may be worried that he will stop helping with expenses when there is someone else in the picture (you), which will of course change in some ways but not entirely. In all reality, whether BF is with you or not, he is still going to be obligated to pay child support and to help out financially with SOME of his son's expenses on top of it, which BF will help with unless he is a deadbeat. He should reassure her that he will always do his part to make sure their son is adequately and FAIRLY provided for, and hopefully this will allay some of her fears. While I hope the days of buying her big-ticket items and paying her debts are over, if it is an expense that is directly relevant to the welfare of their child (and heck, a car is arguably one of those expenses if it is her only car)*** then he is likely to continue to contribute *something* in certain cases. His contributions will at least continue to be a very delicate and controversial issue between all of you, whether money is actually paid out or not, and that alone is worth considering. Remember, $ is the top reason relationships end so it's always going to SOMEHOW be an issue, especially in blended families. And depending on where you live (b/c I think it varies but someone correct me if I'm wrong), if you have additional kids with him, the CS will not necessarily reduce because of that. And every year kids are alive, they get more expensive. So I don't see the financial outlook changing that much in dollars and cents, except for getting, all around, more expensive. In a wierd way, just being aware of that should make all of you more at ease with the ievitability of the situation. It is an issue everyone has to accept regardless. As for how much control she has over how much you are around and whether or not BF marries you, she just doesn't have that control. If she did, it would be called a "relationship" they are in, which they are not. It might be rough on her emotionally, and I think it's wonderful that you have the empathy for her situation and I agree that kindness doesn't hurt anything, but at the end of the day she can't control or prevent the relationship between you and BF. I would do what you've already thought about, making sure father & son get some alone time, and I would not push myself onto the scene with her until she is ready. It is very sad and difficult, but hopefully she will ---like all of us have had to at some point in our lives--- go on to recover from the breakup and be happy with or without another guy (but of course without your BF!) [***= I am no expert on child support and how most courts/agreements view custodial parent's cars as a child-rearing expense, so somebody with more experience in this area than me should speak up about that]