--"When son pouts because he doesn't like the food, BF is the one who will say go to your room, then son says no, I'll be good and then BF changes his mind and doesn't make him go. Then two seconds later son does the same thing again, BF says go to your room, again, son says noooooo, BF backs off again. Then a few minutes MORE minutes pass, BF sees son making a face again or not eating the food. He says "go to your room" AGAIN, son says "noooooooooo" BF AGAIN backs off, AGAIN. "-- The son has learned that his father is all mouth and no action. Why would son jump up and run to his room? Kid knows father is not serious, even if dad means it when it pops out of his mouth he is not going to mean it two seconds later. Actually if me I might just reach over and remove child's plate adding that 'well, we'd certainly not want to poison you so it was your choice, be polite and eat or sit there hungry until the rest of us are finished'. I myself have a picky eater but I've learned to work around her...look up some of the threads about refusing to eat and pouting over food here, there are lots. Is the food really something he hates or just not what he wants to eat? Is the food when you and the girls come over different then the food BF and son eat when you are not there? Another thought, does BF and son even eat meals at the table when you and girls are not present? Last thought on this table/food bit...does son even realize he is making faces? And when Dad first announces 'go to your room', does Dad state why child is being told to leave table and go to room? I have a pencil/foot tapper, half the time he is not even aware he is doing it...in school teacher must state '______ please stop tapping _______'. If she/he announces 'stop that', my son was like 'stop what, I didn't do anything'. LOL. Once teacher learned how to address the offense things got much better between teacher/son. My son is ADD, not ADHD and he went through his high school years non-meds. It was only during his grade shcool years he needed a bit of medication assistance during school hours. Not saying this child is ADD/ADHD but reading what you're saying and how you are presenting it flashes imagines of my oldest son back to me during his preteen years.

Emotionally it could be, like FD says, that she has always wanted MORE of a relationship, so I'd ask BF if he thinks that's the case. Has she been pining away for him during the past two years? How long have you and BF been together? I have to ask: were you dating BF when he had this one-night stand with her? Was she hoping he'd dump you for her? (I highly doubt this last scenario is how it went, but if so it would shed light and wouldn't say much good for her motivations.) As for financial, she may be worried that he will stop helping with expenses when there is someone else in the picture (you), which will of course change in some ways but not entirely. In all reality, whether BF is with you or not, he is still going to be obligated to pay child support and to help out financially with SOME of his son's expenses on top of it, which BF will help with unless he is a deadbeat. He should reassure her that he will always do his part to make sure their son is adequately and FAIRLY provided for, and hopefully this will allay some of her fears. While I hope the days of buying her big-ticket items and paying her debts are over, if it is an expense that is directly relevant to the welfare of their child (and heck, a car is arguably one of those expenses if it is her only car)*** then he is likely to continue to contribute *something* in certain cases. His contributions will at least continue to be a very delicate and controversial issue between all of you, whether money is actually paid out or not, and that alone is worth considering. Remember, $ is the top reason relationships end so it's always going to SOMEHOW be an issue, especially in blended families. And depending on where you live (b/c I think it varies but someone correct me if I'm wrong), if you have additional kids with him, the CS will not necessarily reduce because of that. And every year kids are alive, they get more expensive. So I don't see the financial outlook changing that much in dollars and cents, except for getting, all around, more expensive. In a wierd way, just being aware of that should make all of you more at ease with the ievitability of the situation. It is an issue everyone has to accept regardless. As for how much control she has over how much you are around and whether or not BF marries you, she just doesn't have that control. If she did, it would be called a "relationship" they are in, which they are not. It might be rough on her emotionally, and I think it's wonderful that you have the empathy for her situation and I agree that kindness doesn't hurt anything, but at the end of the day she can't control or prevent the relationship between you and BF. I would do what you've already thought about, making sure father & son get some alone time, and I would not push myself onto the scene with her until she is ready. It is very sad and difficult, but hopefully she will ---like all of us have had to at some point in our lives--- go on to recover from the breakup and be happy with or without another guy (but of course without your BF!) [***= I am no expert on child support and how most courts/agreements view custodial parent's cars as a child-rearing expense, so somebody with more experience in this area than me should speak up about that]

"Once her and I moved in she continued to work a part-time job and helped watch Hayden while I was at work. I never asked her to. I even brought up that I can get a baby sitter. She said "no". " I'm sure in the beginning she thought she could handle your son. Ten hours is a long time to be alone with a little child. He probably does normal toddler stuff that she just doesn't know how to handle. You admit yourself you know she's not ready for children, and yet you seem to think that a lightbulb will magically go off in her head the way it did for you. You seem to think that the same way you came around to the idea of being parent she'll do the same. When an unexpected child comes along, everyone reacts differently. Some people grow up, some don't. It sounds like your finance is not ready to grow up. Just because you came around and decided to be a father does not mean she will come around and want to be a mother. She might have thought she could handle it. Heck, if some guy told me I could live with him and all I had to do was work part time and watch his kid I'd say SURE!! But now she's realizing that taking care of the dogs is easier than taking care of a little toddler. It sounds like neither one of you have the courage to do what needs to be done, which is end the relationship. She probably doesn't want to leave because that means she'd have to take care of herself and start working full time. You probably don't want to end the relationship because - well - only you can answer that one, but I hope for your son's sake you start thinking with something other than what's between your legs.

I've said it before, but I'll say it again: once someone is a parent, their partner (or potential partner) HAS to factor in that person's parenting abilities to determine if they are a good relationship material. Partners who have vastly different parenting styles will inevitably come to logger-heads over the situation (as you have personally found out). This can occur when the child or children are young as well as when the child is an adult. Your boyfriend should be ashamed of himself for fostering such an unhealthy environment for his son. He's a weak man and a weak parent by allowing his boy to have such poor diet habits and encouraging him to be helpless. What results does he think his approach will get when the boy is age 10, 15, 19? If bio-Mom wasn't as bad, I'd suggest you drop her a note about the situation on your way out the door with your packed bags. However, since she is just as guilty, it won't help. Your options as I see them are to insist on blended family/couples counseling; if he won't go or if he refuses to follow the counselor's advice, I'm afraid all you can do is take your son and move out.