Amber - I think your friend has hit it dead on. I think it's easier for us as humans to criticize someone else until we actually walk a mile in their shoes. For example: when I was a young adult, I was actually very mature and handled adult situations quite well. I held a full time job while being a full time student. I was a mom to a 6 week old husky pup that was my world. Know where my husky pup is now? With my parents... She is on her very last leg and has lived a LOT longer than most dogs live. But I abandoned her when I met Mr wonderful who was allergic to dogs. My parents remind me that I'm her mommy and I 'abandoned' her ... It's kind of a joke since it's actually a dog.... Anyway - my older sister had a baby and she couldn't hold a job, jumped from one man to the other, couldn't afford daycare. Here I was a college student, working hard to pay for books and I was often helping her pay childcare. I always criticized her. Nothing she did was right or good enough in my eyes. I was often of the opinion that she didn't deserve to be his mother and I often stated that he would be better off with ME or with my parents (with my dog). It wasn't until I had a child and then became a single mom that I realized WOW what a job it is... Try keeping a job when your kid is sick all the time or when you were up all night trying to figure out how to pay childcare AND the electric bill because both are necessary. I went out with my friends a lot and I partied... My ex would throw it in my face how I was being irresponsible and he was so much better than me because he had met someone so quickly and had settled down not two months after our divorce was final. He was such a better parent than me. I never spent money out partying.. Are you kidding? I never spent a dime of my own money... Wear some make up, your tightest jeans and laugh a little and your night is free. I'm not a whore but I did have some fun 'whore-free' nights. I just didn't jump into a new relationship like my ex did because I needed to grieve that divorce and get over all of THAT but he was such a better person than me because he didn't need to grieve I guess. My point is, I was very critical of my sister because I never knew what it was like but I thought I could do it so much better. Then I found myself in her shoes and realized I am no different than her and how I dealt with it. Then my ex criticized me for all the same things I was criticizing my sister for but alas, I still have custody and he is still the NCP -- and not for lack of trying to be custodial but because I've done nothing wrong in the eyes of the law. I provide for my child. He pays child support and complains about it and the amount and that he doesn't think I spend money on my child. Whatever-- if he only knew the expenses of childcare and food and the cost to keep the house cool in 108 degree weather. Not to mention everything else. Sounds like your BF is just miserable right now and is blaming his misery on anyone who is in the target area. I just wouldn't let him drag you down when he gets upset with bm. Just listen, dont offer advice. When he wants it, he will ask.

Emotionally it could be, like FD says, that she has always wanted MORE of a relationship, so I'd ask BF if he thinks that's the case. Has she been pining away for him during the past two years? How long have you and BF been together? I have to ask: were you dating BF when he had this one-night stand with her? Was she hoping he'd dump you for her? (I highly doubt this last scenario is how it went, but if so it would shed light and wouldn't say much good for her motivations.) As for financial, she may be worried that he will stop helping with expenses when there is someone else in the picture (you), which will of course change in some ways but not entirely. In all reality, whether BF is with you or not, he is still going to be obligated to pay child support and to help out financially with SOME of his son's expenses on top of it, which BF will help with unless he is a deadbeat. He should reassure her that he will always do his part to make sure their son is adequately and FAIRLY provided for, and hopefully this will allay some of her fears. While I hope the days of buying her big-ticket items and paying her debts are over, if it is an expense that is directly relevant to the welfare of their child (and heck, a car is arguably one of those expenses if it is her only car)*** then he is likely to continue to contribute *something* in certain cases. His contributions will at least continue to be a very delicate and controversial issue between all of you, whether money is actually paid out or not, and that alone is worth considering. Remember, $ is the top reason relationships end so it's always going to SOMEHOW be an issue, especially in blended families. And depending on where you live (b/c I think it varies but someone correct me if I'm wrong), if you have additional kids with him, the CS will not necessarily reduce because of that. And every year kids are alive, they get more expensive. So I don't see the financial outlook changing that much in dollars and cents, except for getting, all around, more expensive. In a wierd way, just being aware of that should make all of you more at ease with the ievitability of the situation. It is an issue everyone has to accept regardless. As for how much control she has over how much you are around and whether or not BF marries you, she just doesn't have that control. If she did, it would be called a "relationship" they are in, which they are not. It might be rough on her emotionally, and I think it's wonderful that you have the empathy for her situation and I agree that kindness doesn't hurt anything, but at the end of the day she can't control or prevent the relationship between you and BF. I would do what you've already thought about, making sure father & son get some alone time, and I would not push myself onto the scene with her until she is ready. It is very sad and difficult, but hopefully she will ---like all of us have had to at some point in our lives--- go on to recover from the breakup and be happy with or without another guy (but of course without your BF!) [***= I am no expert on child support and how most courts/agreements view custodial parent's cars as a child-rearing expense, so somebody with more experience in this area than me should speak up about that]

Thanks everyone for your support. I know I need to leave but I suppose I've always been a sucker to help people. Amber - Thank you for your words. You are right, the only person I can save is myself. I suppose the battle is really working up the courage to say enough is enough. I struggle because I hate hurting people or feeling like I am letting them down but in the same regard I suppose by me doing things for my partner, he will never do anything to help himself or his son. Colleenoz - thank you for your kind words. I never thought about it like the way you put it. Seeing that he could turn like that if something bad happened to me is some what alarming. Because when I think of the answer to something happening to me and would he be there, I can't answer that. And if I can't answer that, then there is a real big problem. LaVerne - Thank you for your comment. Do I want to change? Yes i really do, so I guess I know what I have to do. Reading Lady - Sadly this situation is real, it would be nice if I was making it up but unfortunately I am not. I know everyone on his mother's side has bi-polar and basically have lived their lives in and out of either jails or foster homes. Sometimes I think the cycle can be broken but in the same regards, it's not my responsibility to have hero complex (i.e. trying to save everyone). Let me just say this, I know that none of you know me from a bar of soap, which in turn makes you more truthful. I appreciate your honesty and i thank you for your wisdom. I know everyone goes through hard stages in life, but you are right. If I am not happy with the situation, then only I can change it. I think it's time for me to worry about myself and get back what I want. If I succeed (and I truly hope I do) than please know every little word by each of you contributed to giving me strength. You all really have no idea how much you have put my mind, heart and bank balance at rest.

Hate to say it, but I agree you have already been told by this man that he does not want any more children - ever. Though they say vasectomies are reversible, it does not always work. If you want a child of you own in the future, Walk Now. Further more, any bond that you thought you had with this child was that of a care giver and not that of a parent in this child's eyes. Yes he may care of you. But for a child - at the age of 5, to state to you that 'he was talking to daddy and not you', and is already questioning your authority as to being able to give instructions, he is telling you that you are NOT his parent and he knows it. While I agree with others that he is being a boy and wanting to spend time with Dad is natural, these other behaviors are not. This child already is stating that you are an interloper in his eyes and if you have the child work experience you state, you would recognize his behavior as being confrontational. It is so easy to idealize a parent child relationship. It is also easy to idealize the step family - take it from me, most of us Stepparents started out like that! But reality is starting to set in for you. The baby is now starting to grow and things are going to change with him as you are going to deal with him feeling you are taking his Dad away etc. If you stay with this man, I would recommend counseling for the family unit and yourself for the grief you will need to work through for not having your own biological child that you want so badly.