Absentee father now wants help
lam702
6 years ago
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Embothrium
6 years agoRelated Discussions
How can I help my Mother get over losing my Father suddenly?
Comments (7)Karen, if your family is anything like mine, until you lost your Dad, you hadn't seen a lot of loss or grief for someone. It's hard to watch it (and experience it!) I think I'd probably just call my Mom, if I were you, and ask her to your house to eat, to go out, to watch activities that the kids are involved in, etc. Let her know that it's okay to not be in the mood to do anything. Also let her know that you really WANT her to be involved in whatever your family is doing. My Mom has spent the night at my house two nights since my Dad passed away. Get this, I had to break my ankle and have surgery in order to get her to do that! LOL I kid her that having surgery is the only way she'll stay at my house overnight! LOL We live 80 miles apart and I call her everyday - usually twice a day. We've talked more by phone in the last four years than we'd ever talked in our lives. My DH and I and our kids and grandkids make it a point to at least spend part of every holiday at her house. She likes to stay home, so we go to her. I DO feel sometimes at her house, when everyone is there but Daddy, that there's the proverbial "big gray elephant" in the house that no one mentions. You know what I mean? Everybody is highly aware of the fact that he's no longer with us, but nobody wants to talk about it for fear of upsetting somebody else! Now, when it's just my Mom and me together, we cry (and laugh!) when we feel the need to. That's something else that I haven't thought to mention. Let her cry when she feels the need to cry. I guess you don't have to say a word, just be there for her. She and I both have talked about the fact that Fathers are the HEAD of most families. Then, as women, we both agree that the Mothers are the HEART of the family. Maybe you can reassure her in that way that she IS a vital, needed part. ((Karen))...See MoreAdult SS wanting his father's respect
Comments (14)Is Hubby wrong? No sweeby your hubby is not wrong. SS is a grown man making decisions and he must pay the consequences to his actions. You have helped him on many occasions, offered him work and he's snubbed it...he is lookign for a bail out for daddy to save him...uh uh...let him fall and let him fall hard. He does not have his priorities straight. 1. He's cheated on his girlfriend with a married woman no doubt. 2. He has expensive habits he cannot afford. 3. He should be paying his bankrupcy debt , not increasing the tab. 4. He should work more and get more money to pay for the things he has. 5. He's in no position to pay for someone elsed tires for GODS SAKE! Is there some middle ground? No there is no middle ground. You've tried to help him the best way you both can and it didnt' work. Even professional help gave up. Or is this just one of those hopeless situations? Its not hopeless...but its not your problem. ITs HIS. He is an adult and if he wants to get out of it he can if he wants to. i dont think your ss wants his respect. He wants him to bail him out big time and he's angry that your hubby wont do it. I think your husband should stand his ground. You have to EARN respect, not want it or demand it. If your ss was smart, he'ld get respect from his dad if he showed some B*lls and was a man. Sorry. i'm blunt. i'm really sorry sweeby but if your hubby bails him he'll be an enabler. Your ss needs to 1. Pay his debt 2. Stop spending 3. Stop expecting dad to come save the day. 4. Get a second job to pay the bills. 5. Have respect for himself and not have an affair with a married woman and cheat with his now ex girlfriend. She did theright thing to dump him and leave him. 6. Stop drinking, he needs to go to AA and start respecting himself before demanding it from someone else. My own brother was left to hang dry by my father for debt. His fiancee left him because of his situation. Well, my brother consolidated everything, and then sold everything he had. EVERYTHING. to pay as much off. He had a few thousand left and because my father saw him do that and my brother was making payments double every month, my father then stepped in and helped him. And he told him its a one time deal and because he saw him make the effort. My brother earned my fathers respect and got the bail he worked hard to deserve....See MoreHelp! 17 yo SD Moving Away To Live With Crazy Absentee Father
Comments (5)Thank you all for your comments. Please keep them coming! An update on my situation. Things are getting more confusing to say the least. SD has moved the date of her departure (to go to FL to live with BioDad) twice now. First the date was after Christmas day, now it is right after New Years so that she can spend New Years with her steady boyfriend. Obviously things are not, and never have been, oppressive to SD at our home. SD has developed her first real steady boyfriend, both 17 yr's old, and they see each other most every day. They have played by the rules and we basically like the young man. Yet, SD is still openly planning to move in with BioDad in FL. Leaving behind not only her friends, her mother and me, and now her first steady boyfriend of 3 months now. We just can't understand why SD is willing to leave so much behind to go live in FL where she will start over, mid-year in 11th grade, have to make new friends, just to get some big ticket toys. I am so disappointed in her decision. I do believe that she will move. BioDad has told SD that he is going to place her in a church group, force her to be active in his ("born again" style) church, and that he will allow her to live in the "private apartment mother-in-law suite" in his new "country club" style home. SD will atend the local public High School, and BioDad is supposedly promising a "white jeep" and a cell phone with unlimited minutes, new fancy bedroom furniture, a couch in her "apartment", etc. BioDad is also saying that he will "make her successful in school so that she doesn't just have to marry for money" Really! This is all so weird to us. We were active in a church (Methodist) and SD refused to go after she turned 15. Why in the world is SD willing to walk away from her life with us, and into this situation I describe in FL? And leave her boyfriend behind explaining to us "if it was meant to be, it will last." SD is definitely planning to move on Jan 3rd now, and the plans are all seemingly in motion. Funny thing is, SD is apparently not returning BioDad's phone calls very often. SD is still telling us she is definitely moving. What in the world do you think is going on here? Thanks for your ideas and insight!...See MoreHelp! My daughter hates her step-father!!!
Comments (43)RosieL, just want to put a disclaimer her.. I have no problems with the things you say. Even if I did, I'm not into bashing. I just like the discussion. You remind me of my mother, and I respect my mother very much...YOu make some very good points and I respect how you put children first... so this post is just to play 'devil's advocate' with one of your statments. I have some constructive cricticism.. (I think) on this statement you made... "I think that once we have children ... their well being comes before our happiness and love life. They will be with you for a very short wile and you will have the rest of your life for romancing. " I agree with that to some extent. I mean, I even find myself putting my only child, who happens to be my step son, before my own marriage as far as time, effort, patience, etc.. But isn't it true and important to realize that the children will be happiest when their parents are happy too? I mean, they need a happy home! And if mama ain't happy? lol. I don't think that means that a single parent should throw their kids around to different babbysiters while they go out on dates, etc... but clearly, that is not what is going on here. This person is VERY concerned about her childrens' feelings. The fact is, that she needs to rebuild her home and her marriage and I think she is right to do this for herself and for her daughter/children. LisRac states: "I love my husband and I want to try to make my marriage work. My husband went for counseling and realizes how things he did and things he said were hurtful. He knows he was wrong in a lot of his attitudes and wants to try and make it right (with counseling). I'm scared to hurt my kids or make them unhappy, although I know I can't make my decision based solely on a 12 year old's views." Sounds good to me! I think people get divorced because they give up to soon. That's my take. I think they go through a rough year, or in this case, have a very difficult time making a blended family work... and they simply give up. Listen, all families have problems. Even non-blended families. And no one is perfect. My parents have been 'happily' married for 40 years. God, it's like a fairy tale for them now that the kids are gone, but I remember a couple of those years being sort of... nasty... especially when my sister and I were oh, about... 12!!! I remember my sister hating my Dad for about 2 of those years. He had a lot of 'teasing' issues and picked on her for being lazy. Caused a lot of turmoil for the whole family. They both went into counseling, eventually. Now, she's (almost) Daddy's little girl too. I wouldn't trade my family for the world!! Makes me sick to think that my mom would have given up on my Dad just because my sister practically hated him for two years. Course back then I thought "you jerk!"... knowing what I know now and the kind of man and father he became to me. I'm so glad we never gave up and that we were able to forgive the mistakes that we ALL made. Of course, LisRac needs to be realistic about this man and really decide if this IS what is going to make her, then ultimately her children... happy! I don't know this man. But... he says he wants to try to make it work! Let him be a man and help make it work! LisRac has a chance to have a happy family. It is not going to be easy, and the children will need help through it all... but are they going to be better off without rebuilding a family? Are they not going to learn and grow and become stronger by going through these changes and accepting another human being...who they may even grow to love? ... into their lives? The potential is awesome. I mean, just think... if LisRac and her family work through this and rebuild their home... what a strong family that could be! That may seem a little idealistic... but I'm a glass is half-full kind of person, I guess!...See Morecooper8828
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