They were offering to bring some expensive bicycles down to let use for the summer, as they know we like to bike. To me that's very generous as it's far and I would feel guilty that they drove them from out of state just for our enjoyment. Unfortunately, everything blew up after they gave the car away, I talked about it above. This all sounds crazy, and it truly is!!

They are Losers with a capital L. Cutting them out of your life seems harsh, because you say they are close relatives, but I think that's what you need to do.

They think they are being nice, but they are self-serving and mean. And don't care about your feelings.

Sabbath, please avoid them, don't talk to them, don't see them. Don't go 'talk it over' with them, just stop communicating. I don't care how close they are. The car thing was just over the top.

Lucille- I was very shocked, I can't stress that enough. My husband said, "well ya know I love you when I let your family give away our old car to a stranger when they said it was for them without asking" lol. He then said, "This is something we can always joke about".

(((sabbath))) Aw. That totally sucks. Wishing you well.

sabbath7 - maybe you can turn it into a bug (car) game. Anytime you see a car that looks like your car say I wonder if that's ours and give the other a tap on the arm. I'm so sorry they stressed you out but like your husband say make a joke about it to help lighten the situation.

I kind of agree with the others. I mentioned talking it out cos I know a lot of people feel that's the best thing to do. But if someone was causing me this much stress I'd probably distance myself from them. It's not worth the stress. Especially if it's causing physical symptoms.

So they were going to offer use of the bikes... but didn't... but then they took a car you actually gave them and gave it away.

I'm glad your husband has a sense of humor about it... hopefully you can too so that you stop having migraines. Try not to let them get to you any more! And, truly, you are the one who blessed the person with the car, not them.

"well, bless your heart"

Sabbath, I really feel sorry for you, especially after hearing about the car! Your husband is a real champ! I hope you won't continue to take this abuse and will refuse to acknowledge these people any longer.

Regarding the car, did you let them know they cost you $500-1000 in tax deductions? They are being so passive-aggressive in their behavior toward you, I'd put a total stop to any future opportunity. I wouldn't even give them the benefit of trying to figure out why. If they can't figure out what soured your relationship, they are totally clueless as to how to rebuild it anyway.

These people are so toxic, it is affecting your health.

Work on strategies to avoid them. Don't tell them you are upset with them and want to limit contact, but next time they want to see you, act polite and give an excuse. Try to stretch the times out longer and longer. Again, talk to them on the phone since you don't seem to want to break ties completely. But, see them less and less.

Most important is to be respectful and polite. YOU are a nice person, THEY are not.

Unfortunately, I lectured them for 90 minutes, which upset them. I said many things, all similar to this, " A kind gesture to a stranger doesn't negate thoughtlessness to another" and, "Who is really important to you a stranger that you did a kind deed for, or your close relative whose feelings you completely neglected". Blah, blah, blah. ...I went on and on and this didn't help anything as they said, " One sentence would suffice, you didn't need to lecture *lovingly for 90 minutes". I do not believe that they realize how sad it made me to lose trust for them and have our relationship become strained as a result of their unusual actions. That's the sad thing crazy behavior results in lack of trust.

Stop talking to them. It doesn't do any good and it is hurting you.

Are these relatives younger? They sound like kids.

Why would you believe anything they say -- including that they gave your car away? Stop talking to these users. I can't believe you signed your car over to them -- or that they gave it away. I'd be running the VIN number to find it.

Are we to believe you're such an easy mark? This whole tale is a little hard to swallow.

Oh, yeah. They needed the whole 90 minutes. They won't be able to put that out of their minds like they would one sentence.

My mother found her elder adult son rummaging thru my father's sock drawer one day. When asked why, he said it was because he was sad for the people where he lived (Bahamas) as they had no socks. She slammed that drawer shut and said "give them your socks if you're feeling so generous." (My mother shopped for 90% of their clothes at yard sales and thrift shops, she was frugal.)

It's easy to give away someone else's belongings. I'm sorry you got taken advantage of like that, Sabbath.

I can't figure out why you would give them the car in the first place, with the way they have been manipulating you.

The whole thing is crazy. They asked for the car a couple of months ago, that's the whole reason they came to visit was to pick it up. I know they actually gave it away as some of my husband's personal belongings were still in the trunk and I had to meet with the guy they gave it to yesterday evening to retrieve his items. The guy was nice and a mechanic which will come in use because the car always breaks down. I asked him if he would pray with me when I met him, I prayed that the car would bless him and I sincerely hope that it does. They met him and started talking to him at the parts store where he works. He was very likable and nice, but I would have preferred the car go to the ASPCA. It's unfortunate as I gave them the car under false pretenses, I believed it was for them. They said once they started talking to him, they decided he needed it more than them and decided to do something amazing for him so they offered it to him and he was extremely happy as he is an immigrant that is struggling.

They said their hearts were bleeding for him, when he told them about life in his home country. My relatives love to meet people and talk that's just them. It's tricky as this is an immediate relative not a distant cousin. Had anyone told me this would have happened I would never believed this could have happened. They try to help immigrants all the time, they are obsessed with politics. I think it's noble to help people, but what about me and my husband's feelings. They traded helping him for my trust. My husband wasn't upset as he sais, "They're hippies". They call themselves hippies. I don't have anything against hippies for the record.

"They said their hearts were bleeding for him".

But not enough to do something for him themselves? They're not noble, they're manipulators of others to their own wishes.

If you lectured them for 90 minutes, I would say this is over and done with and it's time to move on. You can continue to have a relationship with them, just don't give them anything else. And decline all gifts from them, even the ones they don't actually give you.

I am laughing out loud!!

This situation is over and I told them that. I am ready to move on.

sabbath, I do hope you've made sure the title to the car is out of your name.

sabbath, what happened to "Elmer, you're exactly right" ? You deleted it but I liked that!

Olychick- when I called him to arrange to pick up my husband's belongings I asked him to bring the title so that I could make sure it was done correctly. I also removed the license plate and called DMV or DDS depending on where you live and the registration office and canceled the registration. I also canceled the insurance. I explained to him that he has 7 days to take the title in and register the car. I was VERY thorough. I went to the registration office and made sure that I was doing everything correctly before I met with him. I also gave him the number to call for registering the vehicle if he has questions. I truly tried to make everything go smoothly. I was thorough because my relatives are so easy going and I knew they most likely jumbled the process which they had by not removing the license plate. I hadn't yet called registration when I gave it to them as they were leaving in a few days and I wasn't in hurry at that point as I thought I had a day or two.

Elmer- I felt bad because they have kind hearts.

The way they treat you and the things they say to you are not kind.

That is true.

sabbath, Enjoy your visit to Charlotte. Maybe you can be so busy exploring Charlotte that you won't have time to check the internet.

Ugh! I hope you are over it and feel better. That wasn't right.

I had someone decide some missionaries needed my last vehicle. I said no I wanted to keep it. My dh had bought me a new one as a surprise for my birthday. Danged if the missionaries didn't come over anyway and told me they had looked in the windows and mentioned getting it cheap. I told the woman I wasn't selling. We practically gave it away to a friend a year later. It needed a $1200 repair, but was worth about $5000. We took it to the shop, had it repaired and had the mechanic look over it. The friend payed the bill and got to keep it. I was ok with selling it that way. I knew the person and knew they could use a little help. It was on my terms and I didn't feel like someone was trying to take advantage.

You don't get to choose your family. Nobody's family is perfect. At least none I know. Often I put up with stuff from family that I would not tolerate from others. It isn't always possible to distance yourself completely from relatives.

I would put her on the spot and ask, "what were you going to do and why did you decide not to do it? Make her explain herself. Sometimes people don't realize how ridiculous they sound, this will bring it to her attention. I am sarcastic though, when someone says, Maybe i'll stop by tomorrow, my reply is always, maybe i'll be there".

That's great linda. I'd forgotten that approach. I was in a relationship with a person who has NPD and I heard a great way to get them to see how ridiculous they were treating me was to repeat it back. "You were going to give me something, but now you're not?"

But the bad thing about that is that YOU will be the bad guy in their minds and they will likely be telling everyone how bad you are for the way you are treating THEM. That's the way these type of people think. Mostly likely, THEY will have everyone on their side too. They are great manipulators.

Honestly, I think your feelings are appropriate for the situation. And in my experience, as manipulative as some people can be, in the end although it can take time, people see them for what they are.

In the big picture of life, this is insignificant. Be cordial if you have to see them and don't enter the arena of the their manipulative ways. Say your hellos and good byes and move on to the next person. If they call you, say your in the middle of something and can't talk. Protect yourself. Keep smiling.

My response would have been "I'm glad you didn't. I'd really hate to have to say 'thank you' to you, especially if I didn't like what you did."

I like it cynic. Right along the lines of, "Whew. Does that ever take a load off?!" [having to be responsible for your bikes, thanking you, being appreciative, etc.]

very bizarre and hurtful. why would a relative put you and her in that situation.?? manipulative? wants to do something nice but can't afford it - so she says "i was going to" to make up for it somehow?? i don't know, very weird. maybe she is a very insecure person? more i think, many reasons.

i would probably say "oh, ooookkkk. (insert eyeroll)... whatever"

Obviously, every family has it's own dynamic and no one here knows all of the history, but from what you've shared, it's obvioous that your relatives have taken gross advantage of you and your generousity. I think you've made great efforts and sacrafices to maintain a relationship with them and their response to your efforts is pretty insulting. To me, there is nothing more important than family, but there's also no excuse for lying and being manipulative. Maybe it's time for you to take a step back and draw new boundries. You obviously have a very good and charitable heart; they just don't seem to value that. Since talking to them didn't work, pull back a bit and give the relationship a looong cooling off period. Maybe if you become completely unavailable for a while, (no time to take calls or visits) they'll finally realize that you're not their doormat. At the very least, I would expect them to offer a heartfelt apology before opening my door to them again.

Thank you all so much for your responses. You all have given me so much to think about, and I really appreciate that.

I am no longer angry or disgusted just sad that they don't value our relationship enough to be forthright and considerate. It's an immediate family member which complicates the situation. I read every response and really tried to see the situation for what it is. I am thankful to have such thoughtful and intelligent responses to think about. I tried to weigh out if the family member was so passionate to do a good deed that they forgot to consider my husband and I, or did they just not care. I think they just don't care which is very sad.

My MIL was like this. She always said "I should have" . . . she could have but didn't so there is no point in mentioning it IMO. I just ignored her after a while.

Hi, Sabbath - I'm so sorry you've experienced this with your relatives and you are absolutely justified in your feelings. All relationship upsets are distressing, but with family it somehow just hurts more, in my opinion.

Now, this question has nothing to do with anything and changes nothing, but I'm just curious. Did she actually say to you "I was going to do something extremely nice for you ..." or did she say "I was going to bring you some bicycles for you to use ..."? If the former (which is what I think), yes, she certainly was trying to create some mystique and curiosity. If the latter, she still was out of line and wanting you to say "why not?".

Either way, in my opinion she's warped. So sorry for the strained relationship.

After what you said, updated afterwards, the spirit of what you said is the same thing as the beginning of the post. You did nothing wrong.

Seriously you were great!!!!

I understand and sympathize, Sabbath. Perhaps in time you and she can work things out and accept what you've got and what you don't have. Again, you did nothing wrong.

She said that you hold them to a standard that she and her husband can't meet? Hmmm....courtesy doesn't seem like a very high standard.

Suzieque- there was a car thing that happened that was discussed later in the thread. The whole thing was just a hot mess that I hope to put behind me.

Oh yes, I certainly read all about the car thing. Just nuts. I guess you're saying that this won't be put behind you. I understand .... completely. I'm sorry for your lost relationship.

I called my Grandmother and told her everything and she told me that once she baked that family member banana bread and that she gave it away to another family member right in front of her. My Grandmother always makes me feel better. I tried not to talk badly, I just wanted her to hear what happened from me with straight facts. She wasn't surprised.

Let it go sweetie (hope that term isn't insulting, it's what I call my dearly beloved daughter), this is eating you up and it really shouldn't. It really was ok for you to get frustrated and angry because they did pretend that they needed your car. You gave without hesitation. They probably intended to give the car away when they asked for it.

I too prefer to choose my own charitable contributions and your relative's behavior and deception is just unconscionable.

Let it go and give yourself a break :-) It wasn't you that was deceitful.