Sorry you are feeling down, Ded. Both my parents and DH's passed many years ago.

At worst we are dealing with DH's sister who is only 3 years older than DH yet keeps running to doctors complaining of back pain. Some we think is warranted, most not. Her aches and pains are all we hear about.

Aw, Dedtired, I hope you have a better day tomorrow! My mom broke her hip several years ago, then ended up in having to stay in rehab for about six months due to catching several horrible bugs in the rehab facility! She was about 84 at the time - she was getting a little frail but her mind was still very sharp. When she broke the hip, then got so sick, we didn't know if she would ever return home, so I just brought home all her paperwork and took over. :) She didn't have many bills and the rehab was handling her prescriptions, but just that little extra work, combined with all the emotional turmoil surrounding the situation, really put a lot of stress on me.

She recovered from the illnesses, and the rehab basically threw her out when the Medicare copay ran out (even though she could easily pay on her own). She went to an assisted living facility for two months till she felt strong enough to go home. One of the first things I did when she got settled in the AL facility was bring her box full of paperwork to her! :)

That was a long story just to say it's okay to let yourself be frustrated and tired by everyday life. Hang in there!

Donna

I understand completely. Get on your mother's checking account ASAP. It really will make things a LOT easier now, and in the future.

Not to be insensitive but life does come with responsibilities that have to be dealt with. Yours don't sound all that terrible to me. On the plus side you're alive and well, get to take a trip and you have a dear parent who's still with you. Maybe to help yourself feel better about the nature of what you are dealing with you can consider the plight of the people in Syria among other places. That quickly puts it all in perspective.

Dedtired, I'm with you on all counts, as well has having a high school senior deciding which college acceptance letter to take while struggling to graduate, he's such an enigma, and dealing with the school over it all. I used to say "working with" the school, but the reality is it's not working.

Jeez, 3katz, that was a little harsh. All I wanted was to vent a bit about feeling overwhelmed at the moment. Yes, I am lucky to be going on a trip, yes, I am lucky to to have my mother (and she is lucky that I can do this for her), yes, I am lucky to have my health and yes, I am glad I am not living in Syria. We should all be happy for that last one. In general, I am very blessed. Nevertheless, it helps to let it out once in awhile.

I know that nearly everyone has to deal with life's irritations at times, and nothing about my situation is unique. I do have my name on her checking account as well as having POA. All that is in order. Sounds like many of you are or have dealt with these sorts of things as well. Bpa, glad the college application days for my kids is well behind me! Somehow they all end up wherever they were meant to be.

Vent away my friend. It helps to get us through the day. May I suggest you find a small pocket of time where you can go play in the garden?

3katz,

Life maintenance -- a gripe

I am having one of those days.

Capish?

Aw, ded, I understand that feeling of being overwhelmed. Went through it with my parents, too. It isn't easy keeping up with your own responsibilities AND those of your parents. Taxes were a nightmare. Had to search for all sorts of paperwork that was no longer organized and easy to find. I must have made a dozen trips to the accountants with "oh, look, I just found this..." Making reservations that involve coordinating with a friend is so stressful. Sending virtual hugs. Hang in there.

3Katz, I would venture to say that most of those here do recognize and appreciate our good fortune to be living in this country with the advantages we have. I think our hearts break for those in war torn countries in Africa, the Middle East, everywhere (in fact, Africa barely registers on most people's radar). That, however, does not mean we are walking around grinning and happy all the time. Life has a way of turning things upside down sometimes in large or small ways. Frustrations and sorrows occasionally need to be voiced. I know Ded and she is the last person who deserves to be called on the carpet about that.

eta: oh and any time someone begins with "not to be insensitive" you can pretty much count on them being insensitive.

You know when they tell you how, like the oxygen mask on the airplane, you need to take care of yourself first? And then you do? And get chastised for it? Yeah, I have that happen. Venting, going to the dentist, spending an afternoon at the Botanic Garden, helping someone else, or getting your hair cut, there always seems to be a price to be paid.

At least you weren't forcibly removed from a United airplane in a viral video, so there is a bright side ;) and you don't work for United PR so someone's having a worse day LOL.

Yes, I want to add that the point of this forum is to be able to discuss anything on our minds , even if it might appear inconsequential.

This is supposed to be a place where we can come and say things that we don't want to say in our real lives, or to have a "dress rehearsal" for when we do.

Ded, vent all you want. The last two years of taking care of tons of stuff for my elderly parents and driving down there every weekend has been very stressful. I will probably also get flamed for saying this, but I am so very tired of it! My mother has gotten very demanding and difficult to be around. That plus all the stuff of my own life sometimes seems overwhelming. Just wanted to say, I get it!

Oh my gosh, vent away!!! Been there, done that, have the battle scars to prove it.

I'm an only child and my dad was my last surviving parent. He got Alzheimer's, and for the last year or so of his life, his disease consumed both of us. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do as an adult.

The only thing I would say is, give yourself a break and remember none of it will be forever. I agree some level of it seems inescapable too though.

Vent all you want to vent! I know each of us has probably had days where we'd much rather go dig in the dirt and enjoy the sunshine than deal with all the mundane tasks that seem to get the best of us (and our good mood). Next thing you know it's time to get dinner together and the sun is going down. Blah! Tomorrow is another day. Hope yours is much better!

Caring for our parents may be the hardest thing we ever do. It doesn't seem natural.

Like someone above advised, get on the bank account and start using online banking for your mother's account. Even deposits can be done from your home. Snap that picture...boom! the money is deposited. Magic!

Hang in there. I cared for my aging parents, with sibling help, for many years. I still feel that I was privileged having the opportunity to do so. (Although there were godawful days when I bit my tongue and walked around the house for a few minutes break).

ml

Arrggghhh! Life: can't live with it; can't live without it. Sorry you're a bit overwhelmed right now!

(LOL, Beagles!)

So sorry - didn't mean to sound harsh as I wasn't thinking harsh thoughts about your vent. I just find it helpful to look on the bright side of things if something adverse is getting to me. And I do find that I don't have to look far to see someone with greater struggles which helps me put my situation in perspective. The Syrian people have been on my mind a lot lately which makes me count my many blessings every day and why that came to mind. I should have realized you were just venting and not looking for tips from me.

I have done all that and, it gets a lot worse. Something that always helped me was to be grateful for my parent ( took care of both mom 1998- 2000 and dad 2000-2016 til the end at home) and to think how would I want someone to take care of me?

Personally, my faith in God helped me, but in general, remembering the good times, hiring help for time getaways, and just doing the Right Thing goes a long way.

It is money well spent to have a day off, maybe you can't go shopping then, but you can not be there.

Sending you a bouquet Ded and hope tomorrow is a better day. Wish I could take you out for tea!

Maire

Oh dedtired - been there and still there. Vent away. Forget the tea, bring on the wine.

Beautiful flowers maire_cate

Coming back to this b/c I realized I may have sounded too flippant with my comment. I'm sorry you're having a bad day and I should have said that first!

Yes, sometimes life gets too demanding. All you want to do some evenings is stretch out on the couch and watch TV. It also seems like the simplest things take longer. I was trying to book a hotel room and change my email address on Wyndham Rewards today. Since it's not easy finding out how many points you have, I just checked the redeem points box. After finding the room, I find I don't have enough points. Log out, log back in, start over. Then search five minutes for where to change your email.

This is how I spent my relaxing lunch break.

And I'm grumpy because I was too busy over the weekend to take a nap. :(

Oh gosh, thank you all. Love my flowers, Maire-Cate! My perspective about things has improved (despite having gone to the pharmacy and finding they did not have one of her prescriptions so I have to go again). Some days it just feels like an unending list of "to-dos" that I don't feel like doing. Other than elder care, do you ever feel that way? That life is just so full of things you must do?

Cooper, that's just what I mean. It's the little annoying struggles.

Beagles, I think that video showed up on my Facebook feed a minimum of 25 times. I just flew home from CA and they were begging for people to give up their seat at the next gate over. No one was budging. In the end, there must have been some no-shows since everyone got one. They were offering a nice deal -- free tickets and cash. And no, you did not sound flippant. BTW, did the Philadelphia get-together ever happen?

Thank you, Katz3. I do understand that looking st the bright side can help. So nice of you to say that. I read an article about positive thinking anf one tip was to use the word "maybe". It kinda works. So if I am thinking things are going to be just awful, I follow it with the thought "maybe they won't".

Caring for elderly parents really can weigh on you, despite the fact that you love them with all your heart. My mom keeps saying that she never wanted to put me in this position and I keep reminding her of all she has dine for me for my entire lifetime. She can't possibly live more than a few years she is nearly 100. I will be so heartbroken when she is gone.

Anyway, I flopped on the bed and read my book for 45 minutes, and that cured me. Thanks for all the support.

Glad you're feeling better!

Glad you got those moments to read. Reading is my number one escape. I try to look on the bright side after I've acknowledged the dark side, sometimes long and loudly. :?/ Vent whenever you need. We're here for you. :)

I hear you on thinking that everything seem very complicated and takes a long time these days. For example, SO is still waiting (5 weeks later) for his check to come from his new account, plus getting his auto deposit started from work.

SO and I tell each other all the time that we are "lucky not to be living in Syria" etc. but it is still demoralizing to have spring springing and us being sick, stuck with moving and unpacking tasks, not taking care of our home and life tasks, and having to readjust everything once again (addresses, accounts, etc.)

I hear you, too, Lpink! Sometimes you just want to get on with things rather than having to beat the same stuff to death over and over again. This morning I had to call my financial advisor about a concern over my tax returns (yes, I was right. It was wrong), then I had to make three calls about my mother's latest prescription and it is still not resolved. Is it as bad as being gassed in Syria -- no, not by any stretch of the imagination, but it does make me sigh and roll my eyes a lot!

Thank you, Honu. I think what people don't always understand is that the worry about the elder is always with you. I take vacations and leave her in the care of my son, who is close to her and very responsible. Then I have double guilt -- leaving her and burdening him, plus thinking about getting home fast if something goes awry. When your parent is nearly 100, that likely means that you are probably a senior, too. I am lucky to be healthy and I want to enjoy the good years that I have left. Caring for an elder is nothing like caring for a child. A child has no choice in things. You can take them along places, stick them in the stroller or grocery cart.

I am fortunate that I get out and do what I want most of the time, but I do go over to check on her very frequently. We have three doctor's appointments in the next month. I still haven't straightened out that last darn prescription! I have given up on getting her to use her eye drops. She just can't remember and I can't run over there twice a day to do it. If she lived with me I would jump out a window!. I am lucky that she is well set financially and when the time comes I will hire someone to stay with her or move her into a nearby retirement community that is top-notch.

Good luck to you, too. Can't you stock up at the grocery store instead of going every day? My mom barely eats. I feel bad that i don't cook much. I should do that more often. I will NEVER do this to my kids. I plan to move to the retirement community as soon as I feel the need, or maybe before. Let someone else wait on me!

Okay, vent over. I feel better now. I'm sure most of you are dealing with similar tasks. It's inescapable.

I've always thought that the nicer, more helpful, more ethical you are, the more difficult your life is and will be. Those who live for the moment and do not care about others often escape the inevitable drudgery that comes with the unending efforts that a caring, careful life entails.

I wonder though if those who don't care are really better off. Even though it was a burden to care for our elderly parents when they were alive I found something good in having such a purpose that was so important to another's wellbeing. It took awhile to adjust to the void that was left when the last of our parents passed.

I'm not sure how gratifying it is to care only about yourself and if people like that are really happy. I know it would not be a fulfilling life for me.

Let me know if you want to get together some day and I promise that I am a very good listener on this subject. Take care of yourself, and that's not easy by any stretch.

Honu and dedtired - you are not alone, I'm right there with you.

When my kids were infants and I would be breastfeeding at 2am and then 4 am and then 6am (you guys remember those days) what gave me comfort was knowing that all those new moms who were in the hospital at the same time, were doing exactly the same thing as me.

Nowadays, it's this kind of thread that gives me comfort (sorry, not trying to wish this on anyway) in knowing that I'm not alone in managing this. My mom has Alzheimers as well and so I have just moved her into a care facility. I know she is better cared for and I finally have less worries.

Dedtired: I don't want to hijack your thread but just to respond: yes, I want to be more organized in the shopping. I just can't keep enough food in the house for DM. I've never seen anyone eat as much as she does. And she is TINY! I'm pretty good at keeping a list, but my mind has been mush lately. I keep my list on a white board and snap a photo with my phone before I leave the house. That usually works pretty well unless I'm rushing. And mom goes on special diets of her own design and wants her own menu so I am shopping for 9 meals a day, although DH and I eat the same menu (he takes home lunch pretty much every day). Bless mom's heart, though. She cooks her own bfast and makes her own lunch. My girlfriend calls it European shopping since we buy fresh veggies almost every other day. And yes, senior here (ugh), active, fit and healthy.

Blfenton: No, I don't remember those days. LOL. DD slept through the night at 2 weeks! Yeah, such a good kid and she only got better. I can't imagine dealing with Alzheimer's. You are fortunate to have your mother in a facility. And lucky that the time you spend with her can be quality, especially since her needs are so much more difficult to deal with.

Right now DM is able to spend time alone and I do take advantage of that. I know the time will come when she needs more care. I think caring for her has helped me gain patience and tolerance and made me acutely aware of when I am impatient. So caring for her has been a blessing through the difficulty. I'm not jumping out windows, yet!

Blfenton, wise words! We are certainly the generation that is doing enormously more care giving because there are so many more elderly. including the super-elderly over 85. Here's a stat from the 2010 US census report:

"Between 2000 and 2010,
the population 65 years
and over increased at a
faster rate (15.1 percent)
than the total U.S population (9.7 percent)."

Combine that trend with the fact that women are disproportionally the caregivers, and that more women are in the work force, and that Gen Z off spring are less likely to attain financial and lifestyle independence as young adults and you have.... a lot of us who are overworked, overworried and overwhelmed!

As for assisted living and nursing home care, we have seen this process play out in our family and it's a mixed bag of results. My MIL was able to stay at home living 'independently' although it was anything but, for several more years than she really should have been because she had HUGE support coming from my husband, me, and to a lesser extent my BIL and SIL. She had dementia and by the last year or so it was an agonizing and incredibly draining life trying to take care of her. My husband and I were at the house at least 3 times/daily, and he was driving her to all appointments and shopping although her mind had slipped so badly she wasn't even competent do do grocery shopping for example. She was also stubborn, passive aggressive and insistent she was never going to go into 'a home'. After several bad falls she finally tripped on her sidewalk, hit a brick wall face first and ended up with a 3rd hip fracture, wrist fracture and concussion. When the case manager told us that if she appeared in an ER with another injury, under state law the doctors would be required to report the family to the elder abuse hotline....that was it.

Now she is in assisted living and frankly it has taken off a tremendous burden-and added one. My poor husband sees her twice weekly to take her out to eat and most of the time she rails at him about how awful he is to have "done this to me" and how she is living in a prison etc etc. Meanwhile she is eating better than she did at home with 3 healthy meals cooked and served to her daily, her studio is cleaned and her laundry done regularly, and she is given her hypertension meds to take daily. The staff makes her use a walker (her falls came when she stubbornly insisted she didn't need help after the first hip break and subsequent refusal to do PT left her barely able to balance). I know we could not physically or emotionally have kept her at home and I salute those of you trying to do so.

However I do have a message. My late stepmother was an occupational therapist specializing in geriatric care and she always said that the limits of caretaking are reached when one person's requirements for care to live an independent life rob the caretaker of the same requirements. In other words, at some point it just makes no sense to literally destroy your life in service to try to accommodate someone else whose age and physical and/or mental impairments are just too severe to handle.

I've been very pleasantly surprised too that the ALF is not the nightmarish hell that everyone seems to associate with being put into elder care. It's a small facility, always clean, and the staff is genuinely caring and warm. I know not everyone can find or afford this and it's a vast range of situations. However, the point of this longwinded treatise is to share that this option is out there for some folks and it's not the end of the world-it can save a caregiver's sanity.

Thanks for your words of support. Truly, I don't have it so bad when it comes to care giving. I think the worst of it is the guilt I feel for not devoting even more time to her and for feeling as if I would rather be doing something else. Wouldn't we all? On the other hand, I am glad I live nearby and can watch out for her. My mom is in very good shape for someone her age. No dementia or Alzheimer's. She walks and climbs stairs with no help. She takes care of her own showering, dressing, laundry and even changes her own sheets every week. Her short term memory is bad so I take care of her finances, medications, doctors appointments and so on. My amazing son does her grocery shopping. I take her to the hairdresser every week -- now that is a pain, but I am glad that she wants to look good, even though not many people see her.

If it gets to be too much or she is no longer safe in her home, I will hire a caregiver or move her to the assisted living facility, which is lovely. Someone said it's like being on a cruise that never ends, until you reach the ultimate port. Costs a small fortune, though!

Anyway, this post turned out to be more than I imagined when I posted it. I was thinking more in terms of all the stuff we all have to deal with to maintain living, such as car maintenance, paying taxes, home repairs, etc, -- the things that never seem to go away and are constantly picking at you. I remember a book title that was "Nibbled to Death By Ducks" and life feels that way at times -- something constantly pecking away at you!

Dedtired, if you have an ALF in mind, contact them now and get on the waiting list if there is one. If an opening comes up and you're not ready, they will go on to the next person but you won't lose your place. My parents waited too long to get on the list: they are 93 and 91 and the waiting list for the preferred ALF is 5 years.

"Anyway, this post turned out to be more than I imagined when I posted it. I was thinking more in terms of all the stuff we all have to deal with to maintain living, such as car maintenance, paying taxes, home repairs, etc, -- the things that never seem to go away and are constantly picking at you."

Boy can I relate to this! Since Christmas life has consisted of months of almost unbearable stress due to dealing with various tasks, mostly involving real estate: the clearing/updating/renting of both an investment house we own and my MIL's house. Sometime in the middle of those efforts we also bought another house, and my daughter moved out of the investment house and back home while she was in the midst of a job hunt which successfully concluded with a position in another state meaning she's asking for help with the logistics of that move. And that's on top of working full time and taking care of the house in which we live and trying to stay in touch with my lonely widower father and volunteering for my student support group and.......

I can't seem to make my husband understand just how many moving parts there are to life--including all the stuff that's just normal routine maintenance. I've been repeating that hoary old joke about the housewife who one day ignores all her tasks, and when the husband comes home to a house in complete disarry and asks what happened she replies with "You know how you always ask me what I do all day? I didn't do it!" So much of these maintenance tasks are invisible as long as they are done smoothly and on time, but make a huge hassle if they're not. It is wearying.

I've actually had nights I think wearily that it's too damn much effort to shower, wash my hair, brush my teeth and get ready for bed :). My comfort mantra is to remind myself that busy means engaged means people count on me means I'm needed which is better than sitting all alone with nothing to do and no one to do it for or with!

runningplace - I loved that cartoon! I used to have it on the fridge and then when we redid the kitchen it got lost in the chaos. Mmmm....I wonder if DH "got it lost" somehow.

Oh, yes. I never mentioned finishing up a new build, running herd on contractors for call back issues. Following up on refrigerator repair is enough to make me collapse - I'm on my third fridge. 4th, if you include the garage fridge that started out as a loaner. Getting the old house ready for resale and managing a vacation rental. Maybe this is why my brain fogs when it comes to meal planning. lol.

Why do little irritations all travel together? It's never just one. Everything is going along and then suddenly many things go wrong together or one after the other. Hmmmmmm

I'm glad you started this thread, ded. Just reading it made me feel better about taking care of my dad.

I wonder though if those who don't care are really better off.

Of course they are not. Relationships /family are an important part of life, even though they come with more work and aggravation. To make things even more complicated, though, there are some toxic relationships that need to be ended, but even the good relationships take a lot of work.

I was thinking more in terms of all the stuff we all have to deal with to maintain living, such as car maintenance, paying taxes, home repairs, etc, -- the things that never seem to go away and are constantly picking at you.

It seems as if even with modern technology and labor saving devices there is always something going wrong, and it seems as if there are even more 'paperwork' chores than there used to be: renewing licenses, paying insurances and taxes, and the whole array of internet management.

Exactly!

I totally get what you are saying...when I retired I had an image of a life free of "must do's" (not realistic, I know, but just a daydream of how it might be). You know, not having to get up at a certain time, not having to go to bed if I didn't want to, shopping when it was less crowded, or not shopping at all! No worrying about whether I had an outfit ready for the next day (because maybe I'd stay in my pj's all day)! All those things that would change when I didn't have to work. My parents were both dead, so that was behind me.

Now, after 8-9 years of caring for two elderly relatives (just their affairs, not the personal care - they had no one else to help them), I care for my grandson 4 or more days a week. He's in school now, so it's only before or after care and not a burden, but a joy. Yet, still, those days of pure leisure seem to elude me....this last week it was the dishwasher wouldn't work. Repairman fixed it and replaced the broken glass top on my range. 3 days later the washer and dryer both quit working! Then a tree limb hit the gutter and bent it so the water is pouring onto the ground and flooding my garage instead of going down the downspout. Then I was driving home tonight and the emergency flashers started spontaneously on my car and wouldn't shut off - so tomorrow, off to the dealer (before the appliance repairman comes), leave my car so they can fix it on Monday, then back to the dealer to return the loaner and get my car (a 40 min drive each way).

I couldn't get into my deferred comp website - had to call twice, two different days before they fixed it....on and on, it seems never ending the line up of little annoying things to take care of!

First world problems; I'm thankful it's nothing worse, that I am capable and have enough $$ to be able to get things taken care of. I guess I'll be lamenting these days when I'm old and in a nursing home with nothing but time on my hands and nothing/no one to take care of!

SO spent most of the day doing his taxes and most of that was just fooling (I really mean another word) around with the software he got. HR Block was not a good choice for our taxes this year. Next year it will be back to TurboTax!

Pam, I don't have time to read through the entire thread right now, but feel free to lean on my shoulder with the eldercare issue. As you well know, been there done that and my mother repeatedly apologized to me too. It's a burden we bear with love, but it's still exhausting. I'm grateful to have a mate who helped and supported me through it.

Pink- is your SO with you now in MI?