Stress to your husband that while she may be an old friend, by her own admission she does not abide by the terms of the will she is supposed to be administering. Point out that the worry of whether his wishes will be followed and the possibility of you being cheated will cause you even more stress at such a difficult time, making it much worse instead of easier. Suggest someone more trustworthy to be executor.

I think you should both agree on executors for your respective wills. Would he go for whomever you've chosen to be yours?

I never rewrote mine so it's my mother but maybe we need to both rewrite and name each other. Initially, I didn't care but I've invested a lot of time and money into our savings and the thought that someone other than me might have the ability to dip their fingers into it makes me squeemish

If "many years" have passed, you both need to talk to your attorney about updating all your documents, including medical POA, etc. We just re-did ours after almost 20 years, and there are changes, altho slight.

I think you should listen to your gut on this and open discussions to make a change in executor.

This seems very odd to me. Why in the world would your spouse *not* be the executor of your will? Our lawyer set ours up that way. We had a second choice in the contingency that we both died at once.

It seems very, very odd not to trust your brand-new wife with whom one would be in love, right after the wedding, too.

You don't have to deal with everything. A funeral director handles most of the things needed for burial, cremation, interment, etc. If your husband is that concerned about the stress, there are now options for pre-planning for one's demise and pre-paying so there's one less thing to cope with. He should have a cemetery and a lot picked out to spare you the trouble. I also wonder if the two of you have discussed specifically his service and what he wants, or will his good friend (not you) decide where he's buried and how? Your attorney will walk you through probating the estate. The estate doesn't turn back into a pumpkin after a certain amount of time. All those things you're left with are yours to deal with, *whenever you feel like it.*

I was widowed seven years ago. It's sad. The stress of wondering whether the executor was honest wouldn't have made it better.

ct, I'm sorry to hear about your loss even though time has passed, i'm sure it is difficult. I really don't understand his logic. He says he doesn't want me to have to deal with it but honestly I'm sure I would like something to focus on during such a sad time. I also find it exceptionally stressful to think about having no ability to get documents and paperwork without being the executor. He has also asked that I name someone other than him to be the executor when I rewrite my will.

I agree that it doesn't make sense. If there was an executrix I did not trust, I would try to get deeds, titles and bank accounts in my name now so the executrix would not have control over them. DH might think changing the executrix is a better option.

Sorry for your loss ct.

If *your husband* doesn't want to deal with probating the estate, I guess you can name another executor. *Taking that task away from you* because he wouldn't want to do it is not good partnering. I'll try to illustrate.

Suppose for your birthday, what you wanted to do would be to spend a sunny afternoon at the garden center and pick out new rose bush for your garden. Your spouse went out to Harbor Freight and bought you an 11 drawer industrial roll cabinet, instead. The cabinet costs waaaay more than the rose bush, but that's not the point. Providing you something HE finds valuable is not what a partnership is about.

I don't think probating the estate took more than two visits to the lawyer's office; one to hand him the papers, and one to pick them up once he was done. I would second gardener123's suggestion that now would be a time to re-do wills, durable POA, and advance directives, make sure the deed to your house is worded as a joint tenancy so it automatically goes to you, have each other's names on your checking accounts. You need to update the beneficiaries on life insurance policies or retirement accounts. Hubby and I didn't have each other's names on the checking accounts, but that frankly wasn't a huge deal. You do need to talk about (gulp) burial and stuff.

Truthfully, I can only see doing what your husband has done in a case in which there was huge animosity between parties set to inherit portions of the estate. I have spent time on forums for widows and widowers. I can tell you that it's sometimes heartbreaking to find out you can't inter your spouse where and how you want because somebody else holds the power or the purse strings. I don't want the responsibility of doing something, but not the authority to carry it out, and that's precisely what your husband has set up. If a husband trusts his friend more than his wife, I don't know what to say. As for "What would you do?" I'd be having a come-to-deity meeting with hubby, and depending on how that discussion went, may be thinking about a Plan B that didn't include him. I would be wondering what else was going on, particularly since he cut you out of the process immediately after marriage. Sorry, that just makes no sense, and I can't fathom his lawyer advising him to do that, unless you've got some AnnaNicholSmith situation and multiple sibling groups vying for money.

My DH is not the executor of my living trust, just because he doesn't take care of business and would procrastinate forever. I also have some contentious relatives who would make life hard for him. Our lawyer is the executor and there is a clause that says anybody who contests gets automatically cut out.

Strange that he should name a third party as executrix. You did not mention if you also have a will. Both of you should have a will. This is most important if you have young children. Assets willed to a child are held in trust until that child reaches the age of majority. I think it's time to redo your wills

can the will be amended NOW so the items you care about the most are specifically left to you and still keep friend as executor? She wouldn't have to know about amendment until his passing when lawyer gives executor amended will. A down side might be a negative reaction for this lack of confidence gesture and she might really dispose of assets in the worst (but allowable) way.

I’m not an attorney but I have had lots of experience in this area in the past few years. An executor of a will cannot ‘dip their fingers into your savings’ or any other jointly held property unless they are named in the will as being a recipient of a certain amount. I am assuming the savings are in both you and your husband’s name. In most states, probably all, all marital assets automatically revert to the surviving spouse.If your DH wants to spare you added stress at his passing, making final arrangements before they are needed will go a long way toward this end.

'An executor of a will cannot ‘dip their fingers into your savings’ or
any other jointly held property unless they are named in the will as
being a recipient of a certain amount.'

The friend will be inheriting something.

'When we first married, my husband rewrote his will and named one of his
close friends as executor who is also receiving a small percentage in
the will.'

I'm with the others. I don't like the sound of this arrangement at all.

Still working on this issue. I have hired a financial advisor to guide me through protecting our joint assets as well am my own. I don't believe he will be moved on this issue so I am simply going to protect what I can and have opted to keep my earnings separate. Recently, he brought up splitting the cost of a repair to one of our properties which is not in my name. I declined and let him know I could not contribute to something that was not protected. I think it got him thinking that his plan is flawed. It's made things more complicated financially but I feel better. Admittedly, he has anxiety and abandonment issues

Sounds good, newgardenelf. I like your response to him.

Tete, I believe I stated that an executor will get nothing unless they are named in the will. Then, they will get what has been granted to them. They cannot help themselves to whatever they want.

Whitelacey, I believe in the opening statement newgardenelf said that this person helped herself against the terms of another will she was the executor of. So she has a track record of nefarious dealings which newgardenelf is understandably concerned about.

yes, she was named in the will to a small % of money. In another case she was directed by a relative to disburse family heirlooms and admittedly hid some expensive pieces so she would not be asked for them. That's my concern- hiding information or moving funds to pad her small share.