Thanks everyone, it is nice to see others see it as I do. That makes me feel so much better, lol. Yes, my husband has heard the remark regarding not being able to love other children as much as the first. And, he made sure to let our little know he loves her very much. He was more concerned being sure she knew he loved her than putting SD in her place. As for her comment about needing someone to pay her bills, my husband did tell her right then and there, everyone would be fine if that was the case. And, told her that isn't how life works. I feel for him because as he said as a parent he wants to be able to say it will be ok, and it will. And, it hurts him to hear her so sad. But, like I have reminded him, she made these choices, and she has to learn how to stand on her own, and own up to the choices she has made. I am holding my ground that she can't move in here, or move into the other house. I know we will never get her out if that happens. And, I refuse to allow her to use our GS any further as a weapon. I honestly feel that is why she had him. Her Dad was finally making strides in holding his ground with her. She wasn't getting her way, and having her son made it where he wouldn't allow his GS to go without. So in turn it was her new way in, using GS to get what she wanted. I do my best to keep our daughter away from her. I do not allow her to take her anywhere. I don't even like her alone in a room with her. I just wish I could figure out how to handle her need to make everyone unhappy. Because truly that is the only time she is happy. She plays this wounded little bird game, to get what she wants. She has been doing this since her parents divorced. And, after many years has almost perfected it, sorry to say. Her relationship with her BM is horrible. And, SD has made it that way to ensure she keeps daddy wrapped around her finger. Her BM may not be the best parent out there, but from what I have seen tries. She had SD (pregnant)and her then BF, (now husband) move in with them for a few months. She gave then downpayment on a house. Paid to have all kinds of work done to make it nicer before they moved on. And, what she got was a daughter that cut her off, wouldn't even phone her when her GS was born. We called her. Then she let her in to help out and buy things she wanted that we didn't get her. Then let the house get foreclosed on and cut her off from her GS. The relationship with her BM and SD's behavior there would turn your stomach. Honestly if I was this woman I would have nothing to do with her. The fact that she tries tells me she isn't that bad at all. Again Thanks! Knowing people that have no emotional investment in this and can give a clear opinion means a lot.

Manipulative little brat. But it's your wife who must deal with this situation. You father is totally off grounds and wife needs to tell her daughter so in no uncertain terms. If stepdaughter is unemployed right now and living in another state, who is paying her way through rent, meals, ect now? You and her mother? Instead of worrying about going on vacations with her mom and you this girl needs to seriously start looking for employment, even if the position she temporarily gets is not up to what ever degree she has received in school. While she is and will always be her mother's daughter, this girl is no longer a child and for her to insist on being one and demanding mom (and you?) support her way through life is immature. No, I did not say, 'let the girl go hungry or homeless' but it is time this young lady stops expecting to be treated as a teen just out of highschool. How does 'mom' feel about it all and have to say in all this? Is she agreeing with you or is she on daughter's side and wanting to continue to enable the girl?

I completely share your pain with having to be treated as if you and SD are the same person to your husband/her dad. In my own situation, the cynic in me started to feel like I was my BF's daughter as well...because when he would show affection to me he would turn around and show affection to her. It's as if he didn't want her to feel left out. But what he didn't realize was that he was leaving me out (or at least that is how I interpreted it). I have an 8 year old son and we are very close. But he knows that my relationship with my BF is drastically different from my relationship with him. I don't kiss my boyfriend and then turn around and kiss my son so that he doesn't feel left out. Most men cannot distinguish between the fine lines of these types of relationships. Just yesterday, she made a comment to her dad "Well, your girlfriend is going to get all glammed up for you. I want to get my nails done too." So he gave her $40 and we both went to the same salon and got our nails done. Before leaving, her dad pulled me aside and asked if I would get the french manicure because he really thinks it looks chic and classy. I told him absolutely. His daughter (like most teens do) always got designs, bright colors, etc. but when we got to the salon, she asked if she could get the french mani done. And nothing is wrong with that. It's just that it's annoying to us. We are letting her behaviour and his get the best of us. Is this because we feel like an outsider...like she will be around for the duration but he can drop us like a hot potato. Does this mean that you and I are insecure? Maybe. But what it shouldn't mean is anything at all having to do with their behaviour as questionable or incestuous. He has lived this part of his life with her as the only other FEMALE. So naturally, the lines are incredibly blurred for the both of them (my BF and his daughter) (your husband and his daughter) for whatever reasons there are (and most times dad only explains it as being over protective of his little girl). But what starts to happen innocently enough is that the two have a relationship that mimics the ones that grown ups have without the physical part but certainly flutters on the psychologically romantic overtures but moreso just a pretty normal relationship between one person and another. Like fixing breakfast for the other, going out to dinner, going out to the movies, talking about cars, talking about sports, sharing the bathroom, washing the laundry, going on vacations, etc. The reason that I believe the trend is not to call us "Step" anylonger, is that it means that we are stepping in, replacing, barging, changing things, pushing away. It will take time (the same goes for me) to see that their relationship isn't salacious and questionable but that it's the only way these kinds of dads know how to treat their daughters. It only becomes wrong when we start making it wrong, when we step in and try to change things and not let their relationship exist and grow and mature. Yes, it is a juggling act to turn our feelings on and off and to not let things like, getting the same presents or surface affection (like hugs and kisses on the cheek or forehead)annoy us. But that is all that it is...an annoyance to us. It doesn't mean that dad prefers his daughter over you and we certainly shouldn't be thinking of it that way or in any way at all. What it means is that the daughter hasn't grown out of this attention seeking and re-assurance stage with dad and also that no one (namely dad) has taught her or steered her in a direction that shows that she is still a priority for him but that he has other priorities as well which are just as important to him. He doesn't want to feel guilty and inasmuch as she wants to be the apple of his eye, he too wants to be her hero and someone that she looks up to. It's up to you to find your middle ground, pick your battles and make yourself understand that your relationship is as beautiful as you believe it to be...but don't live in a fantasy land. If you let them flourish they (especially the daughter) will come to appreciate you. At least this is what I'm trying to do in my own situation.

Thanks for all of the advice (support). You know, when I originally posted this, I thought I was going to be reamed as "selfish" and trying to isolate my wife from her own daughter. (mostly, because that is what I get from my own wife if I try to bring up the subject). Unless I tread very lightly, I get a backlash. My wife seems to have to talk with her daughter at least by cell phone every SINGLE day. For example, when we got back from a dinner, she immediately got on the phone. I asked if she was calling her daughter. She looked at me and said, "Yes, do you have a problem with that?" (in a not very pleasant tone). I know that if I push, I know who the winners will be. If I make my wife choose between me or her family - I know I will be left out in the cold. I don't want it to come to that point, b/c it is a lose-lose situation. But I am getting tired of my wife putting first her own adult child, then her family, then her job, and then, finally, me. By the time she gets to me - there's not much left. I can't change her priorities, I know that. But I continue to try, try to treat her like I would like to be treated, hoping, that things would turn around. Trying to be the good, supportive husband. Give her freedom. But things with her daughter seem to be getting more and more co-dependent. The 3 times a week visits are becoming a routine. She even puts off things that need to be done around the home until she is not with her daughter - so she's usually busy when we finally have alone time. And don't get me wrong, I'm not into my wife has to be a maid... but I can only do so much by myself with my work schedule... For example, instead of doing laundry every Wednesday like she used to do when her SD was away at school, now she runs around town with her daughter all day Wednesday. Now, she does the laundry Sunday morning before her daughter comes over - which is basically our only possible quality time together. This is why I need so desperately for her daughter to "get a life" of her own without needed to breast feed so often.