Hotel. That's just gross.

I keep a relatively clean house, but it does get dusty. My mother is one who can spot a dust molecule at 100 paces. I showed her where the cleaning supplies are stored on her first visit and let her know that she should feel right at home and clean as much or little as she wished. Perhaps you should make yourself at home and clean what's dirty in a respectful and non-judgmental way.

I'd make a reservation at a nearby hotel and be comfortable. You can have a clean cozy bed, a bathroom you are not sharing, and spend lots of quality time with them during the day and evening. Then escape to some privacy, regroup, refresh and be ready for more visiting - that's what I do.

Another vote for hotel

I vote for staying in a hotel.

There's no way for a guest to show up and spend time cleaning and arranging without it being insulting. A home with three teenagers and one or two working parents is never going to be in Open House condition. Your words suggest to me that you have a lot of feelings and baggage in this relationship perhaps having nothing to do with this family's domestic habits.

Stay in a hotel (because "we want to give you more space when we visit") and accept the place and the people in it as is.

I'd go and clean. Lol! It depends on who it is and if you are ok with staying there when the house is clean. We visited my sister last year. She was working two jobs at the time and her house was trashed. We would have been ok with a hotel. She really wanted us to stay at her house. She left a key to get in. I walked in and started cleaning. I had the place looking good by the time I left. For other people, I would probably just get a hotel. She helps clean at my house too. I do provide a clean place to sleep and restroom.

I don't actually know which is worse - staying in a hotel room which really is probably filthy and you don't know where all the filth came from or staying in your son's home where you know where the yecchy stuff comes from.

There has been a thread about this before but when I stay at someone elses home I always take my own soap, towels, shampoo, etc. My excuse is sensitive eyes and perfume allergies. Take an extra cloth and clean the bathroom with your own soap. Maybe try that.

After the first meal give the dishes and counters a good clean.

I vote for a hotel. They would probably be relieved not to feel like they should clean. I always appreciate having to clean for visitors as it forces me to do it. My children are very clean by nature, if they weren't it would be a nightmare preparing for visitors. Honestly it's amazing how much better a visit is when my parents and sister stay in a hotel. It absolutely changes the dynamics for the better for everyone.

They evidently see you as 'family', and this is how their family lives. If you stay elsewhere you will not have as close a relationship with the family, but maybe you and they would be relieved not to be quite so on top of one another for three or four days. In three years, Ms. Teen will be in college, leaving her hair in another sink, and the twins will be driving their parents nuts. (Hmm, maybe now is a good time to start staying elsewhere!)

I work and have children living at home, my house stays pretty clean, but if I have anyone coming to stay I make sure bathroom is clean and has plenty of toilet paper, soap, clean towels. Clean sheets and blankets for beds they will be using, also.

If it's just the weekend, could you get away with bringing your own toiletries and pillow?

Personally, I would never not prep a bathroom for guests. It's just not me. Clean sheets, clean towels, cleaned up bathroom, new soaps etc.

You're driving 5 hours, for the love of Pete. You want your accommodations to at least be clean. They don't have to be fancy, but clean, yes.

If you are still icked out, suggest you plan to stay at a hotel and see how that goes over.

Your hosts might get the hint and make more of an effort.

Your hosts might get the hint and make more of an effort.

OTOH, your hosts might breathe a sigh of relief that you finally took the hint and got a hotel room.

Hotel.

Hotel for sure. That's a no-brainer. They will likely be relieved.

Giving them a housecleaning service as a gift would forever damage the relationship with your DIL. Not worth it. Go to a hotel.

I would stay with either of my siblings for a short time however neither would be comfortable here at my house. Neither are big animal lovers, and that's ok.

I agree with Elmer, that there's no way to clean a host's home without having it being taken as an insult. An exception would be if there is a very close relationship involved, and even then, there is the possibility of hurt feelings. I would vote for staying at a hotel and would guess, along with a couple of other posters, that the hosts might feel relieved to have a visit with family without having them as in-house guests.

Thank you for your responses. And moonie57 - they used to have someone come & clean & now don't. I would LOVE to get that as a gift!

That may make a difference, krmarchese.

Ditto the hotel.

My kids live close by and we barely set foot in their house, there's no way in Hades I'd sleep there!

My daughter and son in law appreciate anything I clean, or bake, while I am there. Occasionally I even cook dinner, while Lori has the late shift. But there are always clean sheets on the bed, and clean towels I can help myself to (if she forgets them).

However, I seem to be allergic to something there. Not sure, if it is the house, or the whole areas plants etc. I am thinking of staying way shorter (like only 3 days) or in a hotel next time. I have not thought of how to tell them yet.

Moni

Of our 3 kids our son and daughter-in-law have the cleanest home. It is spotless all the time. Our oldest daughter has way to much stuff!! Crap sitting everywhere. She has great decorating ideas but it coveres every flat surface!! Youngest daughter is in between. Most always neat and tidy!!

bring a camper or stay in a hotel. I don't like staying with other people if I can help it.

Moni, say what you just said here. You love staying there and feel welcome, but seem to be allergic. They may even find out what it is with you, so you can continue staying with them. Can't hurt. I know I'd not be mad at my mom if she said those things to me. Good luck whatever you choose.

I would probably opt to stay in a hotel. I personally think I would be uncomfortable in that situation and be afraid it might show and cause issues with my family. I have terrible OCD and it would bother me.

When I have guests first thing I do is clean extra, extra well especially the areas my guests will be using. For each guest I make a basket with shower gels, Excedrin, bottles of water, sunscreen and after sun ( I live in Florida) toothbrush, toothpaste, mouthwash and other toiletries they might have forgotten. I also add their favorite snacks if I know what they like or if I don't know I try to offer a variety of chocolates, cookies, nuts etc. Along with the basket I have towels and wash cloths rolled up in the bathroom they will be using with a note where to find extra towels, blankets and pillows if needed. If I have someone like my mother in law or a family member I will usually provide a new bathrobe and pair a new slippers for them to use in their room. My mother in law comes a couple of times a year and has a small drawer and space in the guest closet she keeps those things to use on her next trip.

Once, when I stayed with my sister, I had to be there for two weeks, she had her step daughter(age early 20s) living there at the time and she used the guest bathroom, the same bathroom I had to use. It was filthy...well the tub was filthy. The rest of the bathroom was OK. So I wanted to take a soaking bath and there was NO WAY I was going to bathe in soap scum and hair! I cleaned the tub before I used it....OMG, the step daughter was beyond offended. "Does she think I have COOTIES?" she says. As a matter of fact, I do! HAHA! Who here would bathe in a soap scum bathtub? I even wash my own tub before I take a soaking bath. My sister didn't care at all, it was just one less cleaning job she had because lord knows the step daughter didn't do any cleaning!

Hotel.

Moni, a hotel room may not be a bad idea. If you still have a reaction, you'll know it is not their house. I think I'm allergic to the sage that grows in Northern New Mexico.

I had an allergic reaction one time where I had to go see a doctor because my eyes were swelling shut. The doctor told me a lot of people move there and then develop a reaction. They didn't know what caused them and she said we might never figure it out. I think it may have been the carpet cleaner my dh was using. I reacted again. My dh had just cleaned the carpet and I had felt it and probably touched my face without thinking about it. I'm allergic to a couple of soaps so that would make sense to me.

No matter where I stay... I travel with wipes, and a bathroom cleaner spray. I don't think it's odd to travel with shampoo, soaps, toothpaste, lotions etc.

Another vote for staying at hotel but I'd be lying if I'd say my feelings would not be hurt if SS and family didn't think we rate a pre-visit cleanup. I'd say something like I've been having trouble sleeping and would be more restful to stay at hotel. I would not clean their house and I would say NOTHING about poor housekeeping, not a word.

I never found the humor in everybody Loves Raymond when Doris Roberts belittled DIL cooking or cleaning.

Phew! A lot of responses to read through... Here are my thoughts...

If I were in your situation, I would first make a hotel reservation, then inform your stepson and his wife that you will be staying in a hotel. You do not need to say or imply anything about cleanliness (or the lack thereof). You have a wonderful "excuse" without substituting fiction for the truth. You said they have "twin boys age 12 and a girl age 15" which is all the reason you need. A 15-year-old girl spends a lot of time primping in front of the mirror, and I'm fairly confident she isn't happy about sharing a bathroom with her brothers, much less her brothers and a couple of "old fogeys." (Hey, I'm 67 so I'm sure I'm older than you and, yeah, I'm an old fogey, too.)

Just tell your stepson that in the interest of keeping peace within the family by allowing his teenagers to follow their normal sharing-of-the-bathroom routine, it will be easier for you to stay at a hotel. He will protest (he would have to, to be polite), but you should remain firm and then tell him that you've already made the reservation.

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If you're feeling particularly generous (or if you usually end up taking the whole crew out to dinner during your visits), make a reservation at a hotel that has a good restaurant. You can take them to dinner there. :-)

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In answer to BossyVossy's comment about not rating a pre-visit cleanup, it's quite possible that the teenagers had been tasked with cleaning the bathroom. It passes muster for them, so they didn't think anything else needed to be done. Dave Barry wrote a column once in which he wrote that a guy's idea of cleaning the bathroom means flushing the toilet. I can easily see that applying to two 12-year-olds. And the 15-year-old sister undoubtedly feels that she shouldn't have to clean her brothers' mess.

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And I admit to being curious as to what your wife has to say about the situation. Since you say it's your stepson and his wife, that means it's your wife's son...

Lindsey, I didn't read carefully enough so not sure if Mom assigned cleaning duties to kids but wouldn't she take 30 seconds to ck their work? Good if she assigns cleaning duties as they're most likely responsible for 90% of mess but not so good w/o follow up.

IAC, the whole thing is resolved by staying at hotel.

If anyone came to my house and started cleaning it, I would take it as a HUGE insult. My clean isn't necessarily your clean. If you think the home you're going to stay in isn't "your" clean, stay in a hotel.

This just happened to show up on my FB feed a minute ago... ;)

To FB póster: Wrong!!!!! It means you didn't finish the job which is CLEAN UP AFTER! But no worries, you will get a gold star for effort. What if road construction crews did not clean up equipment, leftover materials/tools after building a road: would that be called a completed job? Could you drive your kids safely on new superhighway?

what if Doc and staff didn't clean up removed cancerous tumor from patient and left it sitting around where he's going to operate on next patient? Yes, he'd get a gold star for saving patient 1 but what about risk to next patient, and what if next patient was you, indignant FBer? Ha

To original poster. The thread seems to have taken a turn towards people resenting criticism about their housekeeping standards, which I totally sympathize with

but nobody is addressing elephant in room, which (possibly) could be that Son and family do not WANT to make home welcoming to visitor. Nobody wants to think about it but a reminder that we should evaluate whether we visit too long or too often....

What would I do? I would continue to stay with them during the visits because presently they want you there and you are family. The other solution such as staying in a hotel may cause some conflict with your family. When the kids were young we used to visit my sister and her house was a pigpen. I am talking about her family walking over week old cat feces on the carpet. It would have been nice to stay someplace clean when visiting, but my sister would have taken great offense if she thought I was judging her. So we kept our mouths closed. I often thought her kids stayed with us all summer because they wanted to get away from the filth and chaos.

My DIL made it abundantly clear that we were not welcome in their VERY large home (6400 sq feet). My son was determined that his family ALWAYS be welcome in their home. He rarely fell on his sword over things, but this was one. We offered to stay elsewhere but he was adamant.

How was this ultimately resolved? She filed for divorce - decided that it was not just his family she didn't like - didn't like him either. She was VERY high maintenance, but our hearts were broken for our son as he would have put up with her in order to raise his children with him in the home. He does an amazing job staying very close to his children, for which I am grateful for both.

Families are complicated. SO many hidden issues. And sometimes, it just doesn't work.

I'll echo the suggestion for hotels. As I type this on my phone, I am lying awake in a relative's home. I stayed here while in town for a family event because she was so excited to have visitors and we hadn't seen each other in a very long time. There are loud (but sweet) dogs, I have acquired a couple of flea bites, there is no privacy for bathroom business, four of us shared one shower getting ready for the event, etc. I have been awake for over an hour but the house is so tiny I don't want to wake anyone up by getting out of bed. None of this is meant to be a knock on my hosts, because they are lovely, but it really would have been easier to stay in a hotel.

Bluebell66- Sounds like the opposite of relaxing!

I would opt for a hotel if possible in situations like that. I would have been out at flea bites. Yikes!

A year or two ago, we were invited to friends of DH, whom we haven't seen in many years. They have a lake house/cabin and wanted to have a reunion of sorts with other couples invited as well.

We passed. I hope to visit where they live, which is outside of Memphis, but we'll stay at a hotel in town and meet up with them. Sorry, staying with a bunch of people I don't know in a house God knows how big or small is not my cup of tea.

You could invite them to your house, for a weekend. They might really enjoy that.

If the decreased housekeeping has only showed up in the past year, there may be a reason for that and perhaps they are not sharing- maybe a second job, an illness, etc. and perhaps they do not want to burden you with their troubles.

I second the have them come to you idea. If they don't have a good car or the budget is too tight, offer to help with cost for a rental car and gas.