DH just asked me last night if there was anything he could have said or done to make my grandmother like him. Hah! I told him not to feel 'special', as she only liked one young man I dated -- and not as future husband material! Gram said there was only one good man in the world. She'd married him -- and lost him during his middle age. (I was unable to accept her point of view until I did some genealogy and general 'poking around', considering the history of her life and the times. She was a Scots-Irish immigrant, arriving on a sailing ship into NYC before 1900.)

My parents pushed the idea of a "nice young man" from their office. It seemed I kept bumping into him by "accident". And I heard on and on about how he was smart, ambitious and came from a nice family. I did go out with him a few times and he liked me very much. I was never so bored with a human being in my life.

End of story.

My dad never liked the guys I liked in high school. I'm not sure who they would have picked. Poor guy, we probably would not have been compatible. I met dh just before I permanently left home and was on my own. They didn't meet him until afterwards. Lol!

My kids are all teens. The oldest has a girlfriend. I think they are too young for this to last. So far, I like the girlfriend. She reminds me of me in some ways.

I wanted something completely different than my parents wanted for me. They wanted me to marry someone from the neighborhood and stay forever near them. I wanted adventure. I wanted a different religion. I wanted a different mindset. Basically I wanted everything different. I have moved all over the country, and now live on the opposite side of the country. My mother has had the opportunity to visit all the different states that I have lived in and explore new things. I would have never been happy if my parents had picked my spouse.

My mom would have picked someone I dated in my senior year of H.S. in 1969. My mom really liked him and had hopes it would last. She was constantly singing his praises. He was very good looking, smart, well mannered and polite. It didn't hurt that he was from a very well off family. I liked him as a friend and kept in touch through college, then we drifted apart. I heard later that he came out at the 10th H.S. reunion. I didn't have a clue and neither did my mom, obviously.

Well that was certainly an important little detail!

I have read so much about arranged marriages in Indian families - even if the children involved are Ivy League graduates. The young people all say that their parents know them SO well and know what would make them happy, and it appears that it works - very low divorce rate.

My parents were thrilled when I married my first husband - his family lived next door (but we'd only lived there a few years). It's hard to know if the marriage could have worked if he'd wanted it to, but I doubt it. And now when I see him at all holidays (at my daughter's), I sure wouldn't want to be married to him! We married 50 years ago and were married for 9 years and 2 children.

My parents weren't as pleased with my 2nd husband as he was a Yankee and they both had strong southern roots. But they came to like him very much and we had a very good marriage until cancer took him 28 years later.

I definitely would not have chosen the people my two children married, and I was right! Son's marriage was to a very spoiled, self-absorbed girl from a very wealthy, but dysfunctional family. She divorced him after 12 years. Daughter is still married and I'm very fond of her husband, but it's been a difficult one.

I do believe if one marries someone from a similar background it can make marriage much easier. Expectations are the same about so many things. It rarely happens these days,

I don't think I'd be married to him as long as hubby --38+ years.

Hubby was from the ONE family my parents did not want me marrying into...so we eloped. Still going strong!

I think my parents are happy with my choice but after 18 months of marriage my MIL told me that I wasn't her choice in a wife for her son but after 33 years of marriage, too bad for her. She lives 20 minutes from us and I see her, maybe, twice a year which is my choice..

Blfenton- my Mother-in-law also said that to me about 20 years ago. Now though after she has seen that we have raised two children that both turned out really well, she told me that she has changed her mind. My parents weren't religious and I think that bothered her. I am surprised that a MIL would say that as a DIL has a lot of power. I hope that I never offend my children's future spouses in that way.

My parents died when I was still in school. So they did not meet my spouse. My father lived for another 8 years after my mother died, and as my older sister dated and met her husband, he seemed to always find something wrong with every guy she brought home. He liked one friend that my sister had no interest in. He was not that way with me. I think he saw me as more realistic in my evaluation of others.

Considering my two parents, and that they chose each other, never!

Nope. After 50 years, my parents still don't understand me. A neighbor lady did try to talk up her divorced son to my father while I stood there gardening. I said " I'm not for sale".

What great comments, everyone. The reason it occurred to me to post this thread was the many threads that are started here and elsewhere about family disharmony, esp. at this time of year.

We know a Pakistani woman who has lived here a while but told us her marriage was arranged and 38 years strong. She told me the two families get together and discuss the possible union. If there is agreement, then the young couple meets and marry, totally confident that their families know them better than they know themselves and therefore believe and trust mate choices. She also said that in the less traditional families, the prospective couple a has a bit of a say so family tries again. However, they can't nix choice over and over again. she says very seldom there is "in-law stress". I thought about it and decided that a great reason these arranged marriages are so successful is b/c of that collaborative element so very little drama, unlike westerners. And yet, I cannot imagine that anybody my Mom might have picked could have been the one.

Never had any indication that they wanted to. Besides, I was living 600 miles away. They liked my choice and he liked them.

Of course if you grow up in a culture that practices arranged marriages you know that married life with a comparative stranger is coming and you don't expect to be operating as a free agent. It would be completely different for somebody that expected to make their own choice and then had their parents try to choose for them.

My parents weren't happy with some of my dating choices (with good reason!), but never tried to interfere. They were welcoming when I started dating the man I eventually married, and some might think that was surprising because he was 13 years older and a divorced father of three. But my dad was 11 years older than my mom, and also divorced when he met her, and he was always grateful that her mother had welcomed him.

My son and daughter-in-law started dating when she was 16 and he was 20. That was 17 years ago. I think she's perfect for him, and perfect for me too. We're neighbors, and see each other often.

One thing I was unprepared for was growing attached to my kids' girlfriends or boyfriends. When my daughter broke up with her first boyfriend, my husband and I missed him! Nothing like that happened with my parents and my boyfriends, and it unexpected.

I was disappointed in my daughter's first marriage, but tried to be the best mother-in-law I could be. I'm a lot happier with her second husband.

Interesting topic!

In a way, my (divorced) parents prepared me for the choice *I* made. I wanted someone more honest and reliable than my womanizing father. My mother thought I should have waited -- maybe for someone more 'dashing' -- but she was loyal to my DH once we were married. (I was 22 when we started dating; 23 at my marriage.)

Well, actually, they did. I had no desire to get married but I had graduated high school, my parents had retired and they wanted to travel and needed someone to "watch me". I had never given them any trouble at all, but my older sister ran off at 17...probably pregnant...went to Tennessee. Had a baby boy and got a divorce and she was pregnant when she came home. In between those two babies, my mom had me. My parents were very strict and my dad was crazy. He actually pulled a gun on a couple of different boys...both very nice boys. My mother liked Jody (my future husband) because he was an orphan, so she felt sorry for him. My dad liked him because he worked hard. He was mature beyond his years....the only one they should have run off. I had a best friend who lived in Houston but had a weekend house in the little town where I lived, so when she came out for weekends, and summer, I stayed with her, and dated from her house. My dad embarrassed me so many times. It was easier to get married, like they wanted. It never would have dawned on me to say no, or to move out or do anything except what they wanted me to do. I ended up taking care of my mother for 30 years after my dad died. I guess it is good I married Jody because he was always very good to her and she was extremely difficult to get along with (for me) as she got older. I couldn't have taken care of her, without him. However, if I had my life to do over, I would have left home when I finished high school. I was the youngest by 16 years so I felt obligated to stay near by, and take care of her. Next month I will have been married for 51 years. It has been difficult sometimes. We have one daughter, and I stay completely out of her life as far as her decisions go. She got married a couple of years ago. They had lived together for 12 years before that. Longer than most marriages last nowadays. They have a lot in common and are very happy. They have chosen not to have children. I support her decisions in every way. I would never try to interfere about anything in her life. If she asked me for an opinion....I would probably give it, but she hasn't asked and I can't think of anything that I would change for her. By the way, she went to Houston when she went to college....loves the city...and never moved back home. As far as I am concerned, that is the way it is supposed to work. I am happy for her.

I don't even want to think about who my mother might have chosen. She always liked the dorks. On the other hand, I didn't do such a great job myself since I have been divorced for many years. I would not want to choose my child's spouse. If they were miserable, I would feel horrible about it.

My mother liked my future DH from the start...We were 15 & 16....18 &19 when married. I believe she had second thoughts soon after marriage, as HE , very quickly, let her know that HE was in charge of our life together. Nearly 63 years married now, and life has been good to us.

Well, that's a question that never occurred to me. My mother did do some 'steering' but never outright picked a mate. Instead of picking someone, she would voice her concern if she did not approve. My Mom and I had similar preferences, so there was little conflict about mate choices. Another factor was that she had no input other than my upbringing because I had left home to earn my way through college and she was not present when my mate was chosen. It was unfortunate that the two of them could not have met before the wedding day; Distance was the reason.

Being a third generation AmerAsian my parents wouldn't have thought to do any formal choosing, but I certainly remember in the '50's and '60's there was a very strong if unvoiced pressure to marry within the local community. One of my maternal uncles had married a Caucasian in the late 1940's and that was considered pretty shocking on both sides, so soon after WWII.

In fact, I don't believe her family spoke to her for almost 40 yrs.

My DH is a first generation immigrant. Being of mixed race it's a tight little community he grew up in, and not at all unusual for parents to set up dates between their offspring and the parents' friend's offspring. His own parents were fourth or fifth cousins - the family tree shows the same surnames cropping up on both sides pretty consistently.

He said his parents set up his first date, in fact. But then we met in a class and that was the end of that, LOL. His parents weren't happy about it, but they're very nice people and eventually accepted me.

There were a fair number of culture clashes with my in-laws through the years, however!

Still together, and still in love after 42 yrs, so we must be doing something right [smile].

For my kids, I always have followed a "speak only when spoken to, answer only if asked" practice concerning opinions on boy and girl friends. My parents did the same with me, I appreciated it.

My mother was married 4 times! I'm still on my first. Nuff said.

I can't even imagine it!

However, my father did voice an opinion of marrying a college graduate. If the truth be known, that was his reason for making sure all four of us went to college!

Years after we were married my DH told me that on the morning of our wedding (nearly 34 years ago) his father had told him, "It's not too late to back out". It wasn't that he didn't like me, but apparently he was concerned that I might have somehow manoevred a not entirely willing DH into the wedding. FIL was (and MIL was and still is) always loving and kindly towards me and did tell me after DH and I had been married a long time that I was a lovely daughter in law.

I didn't choose DD's husband but told her from the start I thought this one was a keeper- not that there was anything wrong with her previous BFs, but we really loved SIL from the start. We were thrilled when after 12 long years they finally made it official :-) I've just farewelled them from visiting us over Christmas and SIL seems to find me an A-OK MIL too :-)

I think my parents would have chosen someone similar to my DH. They didn't like him much at first. We were in college, and he showed up to take me to a football game, in his VW van with six colors of paint and a cot in the back. He wore a denim jacket with the sleeves torn off. Great first impression! But we were together all through college, and have been married almost 30 years. My parents came to love him by the time we wed. They're both gone now, but I know that they approved.

My in-laws loved me from day one, so no problem there. DH had a whack-job girlfriend in high school, so I was a breath of fresh air! They still adore me and consider me their daughter.

To be clear, I didn't mean to suggest arranged marriages were better. In Houston area our Women's shelter has a dept with only International counselors to help the Indians, Phillipinos, Chinese, Africans etc women and I have listened to the horrific, mostly mental abuse that some of these women have endured. Most of them were arranged marriages.

but it does seem that the inlaw drama is virtually nonexistent, again, maybe b/c decision to commit is a group rather than a couple effort.

my mom was so worried that I might end up "barefoot and pregnant" that she avoided the mate topic. Didn't discourage my interest in boys but I don't recall her ever saying so-and-so would make a good husband.

My late DH and I were both 17 when we started dating, so neither of my parents had time to scout a husband for me. I think my father would have preferred that I never marry, but stay home to take care him and the house, since my mother had a business--and a mind--of her own. They immediately liked my DH, and came to love him as a son, even though there was a long-standing feud between our grandfathers' families.

Whether my n-laws would have chosen me, IDK. DH later told me that his parents were not so thrilled that he and I started dating at such a young age--they were afraid that I would get pregnant and he wouldn't finish college. We married when we were 20, our first child was born six years later, and in the meantime they came to love me, too. My MIL later told me that she "knew I was the one", by the way DH talked to me on the phone.

Last night Meet The Patels was on Independant Lens. I fell asleep. I thought maybe you were anticipating watching this...then saw your comment on verbal abuse. Oh!

No, they had no say. My Dad was a physician, and my Mother was bound and determined for me to marry a physician. When I was a young nurse she would always ask me if I had met any nice doctors. It totally steered me away from even being interested in any of them. In the end, I married the kindest, handiest man. He grew up on a farm and can fix anything or build anything. I met him working in the peds ICU, and the kindness he showed when caring for those sick children was incredible. He really liked me, me not so much, so he chased me. He was "only a nurse" when I married him, but we both went to grad school and are now CRNAs. He was loved by my Dad, and certainly by my Mom, but they may have been a little disappointed at the time. Almost 30 years later, with two beautiful and smart children, no one is complaining.

I think my parents would have done a good job in finding me a mate. In my early 20's I was in two serious relationships and they knew before I did that they weren't right for me. They never said a word during, but afterwards just made brief comments..... "You would have gotten bored with Bob" and "Greg didn't have enough on the ball for you." I met and married DH in my late 20's and I think they were happy with my choice....they never said anything negative about him and got along well with him whenever we were all together...we lived on opposite coasts.

>but it does seem that the inlaw drama is virtually nonexistent, again, maybe b/c decision to commit is a group rather than a couple effort.>>

For Asians there is a cultural difference in viewing marriage. A woman LEAVES her family and marries INTO her husband's. There is "in law" tension but it is not something you are ever going to see unless you know one of the principals very, very, very well. Asians do not display 'dirty laundry' in public; it is a serious "loss of face" for a family's reputation.

One of the biggest tension points between me and my in-laws was that I am thoroughly American in attitudes and upbringing, and they were very traditionalist Asian; e.g., the social equivalent of my grandparents who emigrated to the U.S. in the late 1880's.

It wasn't easy for them to accept a DIL who was a different religion and non-Chinese. I give them full kudos for doing it graciously. But as I said to a friend once, "It wouldn't break their hearts if I died in a car crash and DH married his father's goddaughter, the way they secretly wanted him to."

interesting analysis jakkom

I was quite surprised to find the same ethnic divisions in 'melting pot Hawaii', where you see offspring with every kind of heritage obvious in their physical selves. Native Hawaiians want their 'lines' to continue undiluted. A man of Japanese heritage risks a lot to marry outside that community. Etc. One woman I asked about this had married a primarily Japanese man; the opposition was greatest from her Native Hawaiian grandfather.

My maiden name is uncommon outside of Scotland, but I have a distant relative on Maui with English and Hawaiian given names and that surname. That 'mix' happened when a captain of a whaling ship *was* seen as a good match for the daughter of an ali'i family -- early 1800's.