You just...do it.

People sometimes joke about men thinking with part of their anatomy, but women do it too, often with devastating results in our own lives.

& in our cases, the organ in question is the heart.

We'll sacrifice our own security, put ourselves in danger, make fools of ourselves, because we love.

This guy loves himself, he loves the woman he doesn't have, & he says he loves you now because you're here, she's not, &, just guessing, it'll cost him money & comfort if you leave.

Think with your head & not your heart.

I wish you the best.

Staying in a situation where you don't feel comfortable is painful, and the pain goes on the longer you stay. Ending a relationship hurts too, but eventually you heal and have a chance at a better life.

But, Lizzie (the OP) says she is tired of it and _wants_ to leave.

Lizzie, you will heal. "Time heals all wounds, and wounds all heels" :-) The trick is to just keep putting one foot in front of the other and doing something else to keep your thoughts occupied until that happens.

Learn a new skill, throw yourself into your favourite hobby, travel, join a club, whatever. Enjoy life!

You turn off your heart by doing what is right for you. Your husband does not love you any longer. If he did, he wouldn't be with other women and hurting you. You turn off your heart by putting one foot in front of the other and making a better life for yourself. Not saying it will be easy at first. But it will be better then what you have now. You will do things that you like to do. You will be with people that you want to be with. The hurting will stop and you will wonder why you stayed with him so long. But you have to take that first step in making your new life. Best of luck to you

I see you're still dishing out passive/aggressive "advice" to people in pain, bb.

One does have to wonder why bb even responds to posts. She is giving advice to people...something that she stated the OP shouldn't take.

It sounds like you and your husband have not completely resolved issues caused by infidelity and his affair. You may want to read this book, Surviving An Affair.

Not sure if you have heard about the author, Bill Harley, who is a well known Clinical Psychologist and author of many best sellers. His website Marriage Builders® site is the #1 infidelity support site on the internet. I think they also provide counseling sessions.

http://marriagebuilders.com/index.html

A few years ago, I helped a couple good friends going through their painful torture of infidelity and marriage problems, it is how I learned about this site and I have even read the book. Mr. and Mrs. Harley are Christians, they respect personal accountability, marriage and family. The content and concepts in their books, website and radio shows combine academic and practical, none bias and informative. No religious fanatic content at all.

I hope I don't sound like marketing for the site. In fact I mentioned the site once before and a HT member accused me for it, it was so funny.

Regarding personal relationship and marriage, I am for reconciling if it is possible. Long term marriage is invaluable, it is obvious there are something still holding you back, and there are love between you and your husband. Why not get more knowledge and professional help? Indeed, people do survive through infidelity and have better marriages afterwards.

Stories like this are so sad. My father began an affair with another woman after 20 yrs of marriage. He was very cruel, taunting Mom, telling her how much younger and beautiful his new love was. He didn't want to leave, however, he figured Mom would never throw him out because she was a stay at home Mom who hadn't worked in years, to raise her children. Yet he had no intention of giving up his girlfriend either. He underestimated Mom, she told him - give her up or get out. He made his choice, he picked his girlfriend. It was hard, but Mom went back to work and raised 4 daughters as a single Mom. But - karma gets each of us eventually. Dad married his girlfriend, who was much younger than he was, of course. After 20 yrs of marriage, she decided he was too old for her and left him for another man. You can survive a divorce, you are stronger than you realize and deserve better treatment than your husband has given you.

You don't.
It's simplistic to say that divorced couples no longer love one another. I suspect many do, but the hurts and deal-breakers don't go away. I stayed married to an alcoholic. I loved him, but there would have been much less angst and damage if I'd had the courage to leave. Loving him didn't make him sober (or even want to be sober) He died some years ago, but starting over again becomes harder and harder as one gets older. I'm sure he does love you - but the memories of a long-lost romance are compelling, especially since he doesn't have to deal with the day-to-day effort of making a relationship work.

Lizzie2,

Sorry that you have had to deal with this situation for so long. I know first hand how difficult it is to leave a relationship when the love you have is still lingering, however, it's time for you to think about yourself and take care of your heart. This man may truly still have some feelings for you, but it's clear by his actions he doesn't care about the emotional toll this has caused you. You will not be able to immediately stop having feelings of love for him, but once you leave it will become easier. You still have an opportunity to rid yourself of the emotional attachment to him and start the next chapter of your life. I hope that you garner the strength to move on and love yourself.