Prudent in marriage?
I posted previously about some issues we had with my spouse. We seem to have resolved them. However, I learned that he a) has been checking my phone several times to see who I'm texting and what I'm doing in times of conflict "just out of curiosity"; b) has been taking notes and journaling our fights. I asked him why.
He said that he is jornaling because he just wants to keep sane and have a record of something in case he needs personal therapy or we need couples counseling in the future so I don't change the story. He says he's being "prudent" in marriage and if I have a problem with it I'm a controlling person. He said that he hopes I'm also a prudent person if he beats me and drinks a lot, I wouldn't tolerate it. He believes it's a good thing.
e.g.: He got us a puzzle to do together. We were doing it together but he seemed to compete, not cooperate. I asked to relax and do it together. He kept pushing pieces where I was putting them. I turned and asked: "Could you please work at a different spot? I've been doing this one, can't you see?". He stormed off saying: "Why don't you do it on your own, you're such a negative person, you can't see anything from another person's perspective", and went to sleep. I apologized, tried to apply humor, talked, but he wanted to sleep. In the morning the first thing he did was apologized and said he overacted.
Now he's saying that he won't tolderate me treating him like I did on the occasion of the puzzle. He will record everything. But he says he's not building a case against me and he's not going to use it against me because he says he simply won't be able to.
He started journaling when we started fighting over MIL. We went to therapy back then and it helped. We seem to have resolved those issues. Yet, he wants to keep the record of it just in case. He also keeps journaling other fights to see "often we do it".
In my opinion, it's not that often. He agrees and says he knows happy couples fight sometimes and we are okay. He just wants to keep track on how often we fight and not to let me beat him up.
For whatever reason I don't feel right about journaling the fights. I'm an idealist at nature, and to me it's kind of betrayal of the unconditional love vowed for when we were getting married. I don't journal fights with my parents, friends, or anyone else, and hope they don't I explained this to him. He said he doesn't fight with anyone but me (he doesn't have many friends, and all family live far away and keep in touch rarely), so I'm the problem. He got mad at me for not liking his journaling and said that he thinks that I "want to beat him up and by him journaling I can't do so, so I'm controlling and unhappy". This hurt deeply that he thought so of me. I told him that we need more therapy and I can't open up in a marriage like this one, I'd feel on a trial. I'm scared to raise a concern that will be redorded. I also do not want to beat anyone up. I have never heard of anyone complain about that to me.... not that kind of person....
I asked him to schedule a visit to a new therapist, since he doesn't like the two previous therapists we went to. He believes they were on "my side" and sleezy but I thought they were ok.
Do you think it's ok to be prudent in marriage? What does it even mean? Is it normal to journal fights? Can he use it against me? Should i do the same?
thanks in advance.