Hi -

Oh my! I can certainly understand, businesslady, how, under the circumstances, that a person may wind up being propelled into the arms of another. It is a situation that no one would want to be in and it causes much pain.

Newton's Third Law - Reciprocal Action: "To every action there is an equal, but opposite, reaction".

By the time I figured it out, I had children. Life was ok otherwise. Even though I struggled with the issue, I had no interest in anyone and couldn't even conjure up the desire to think in that direction. I just learned to live that way. It took a while to extinguish the desire to change it. It was a journey.

I feel for anyone who has to live within the context of that kind of relationship. I understand completely the need to find someone to share the human need for intimacy.
It just ain't for me, though.

It sure does sound like you had an exciting time!

As I read your story, I was able to appreciate the fun you were having and trying to imagine myself in the same situation.

Believe, it would never happen!

I don't know.. I would think some medicine or seeing a therapist would a better option for suicidal thoughts. I still just can't seem to condone seducing a married man just because it would make me feel better. I agree there could be times that ANYONE, and I mean anyone may 'consider' having an affair, but I still think free will comes into play, and many will not go down that road no matter how bad their life is. Even though your life may have been exciting and the relationship somewhat medicinal for you, just think of the unhappiness you could have/did cause another woman/family. You didn't just snuggle up to some single guy at a bar, you seduced a married man, and sorry but that says a lot about your personal character. We usually have more than one option when life presents us with big problems and I highly doubt having an affair with a married guy when you're married is ever the right answer. The guilt alone would eat me up; have you no shame?

Carla -

As many people who wouldn't do it are as many who do.

I have never considered it as an option. I do think that if someone starts to feel tempted to, they should step back and think hard before making the leap. Although, I don't like divorce, I think sometimes it is better to consider that before going into an affair. There are moral, religious and economic reasons.

Most of the time the damage done as a result is not repairable and the marriage ends. Often times it is a cry for "help" and a way out for the person without have to go through the mental exercise and stress of doing it in the more conventional manner.

I don't think the average, happily married person goes ahead with it unless they are miserable in the relationship to begin with and I wouldn't judge. I know how painful life can be.

Also, I would consider it an insult for a married man to try to engage me in that activity. I would feel that the person had no respect for me and wanted a safe person (married) to fool around with so he could be certain that we both had something to lose.

As much as I do not believe in it for myself, I feel compassion for people who are suffering in dysfunctional marriages. It is an awful situation to be in.

tenderchichi,

Your point being??? Not sure why your post is directed to me. Obviously, I feel the same way you do about not cheating myself, although I don't codone businessladies' behavior and would never reply to a post about someone having an affair with a married man with: "I was able to appreciate the fun you were having and trying to imagine myself in the same situation." What is this world coming to? Or, did I just read something wrong?

Of course I feel for people in bad marriages, but that doesn't give them the right to do whatever they please. It's not an all out pass and excuse to not have to be accountable for our actions. You may not JUDGE cheating and seducing a married man as wrong, but sorry, I do, even if you are in a really bad marriage. Obviously, people do it.. and everyone is capable of bieng fallible, but there's a difference in doing it and knowing it's wrong and doing it and bragging about it like there's nothing at all wrong with it. Most people would be ashamed of seducing a married man in a moment of their own weakness, they wouldn't/shouldn't look back on it as something good. That's the big difference.

Hi carla -

I agree. I, personally, would not do it.

My comment to businesslady was not taking into account that her partner was married. I was acknowledging the need for fun, joy, intimacy and sex! I understand the pain she was experiencing and was glad that she found a little happiness for herself. I didn't mean to condone it just acknowledge her pain.

I am in a relatively sexless marriage. I have chosen to remain faithful. I do not seek it outside the marriage and don't expect it inside either. However, I am aware that it is missing in my life.

Even if an affair does not break up a marriage it is harmful to the people doing it and their families.

As much as I feel that it is wrong, I don't want to judge anyone.

I'm sorry if I offended anyone.

Tenderchichi and Carla:

I was not trying to justify what I did nor did I think I had a "right to do whatever I pleased." It was something I had to do at the time. I could have gotten a divorce, but then my husband would have been all alone when he was diagnosed with heart disease, and he would have died alone. As it was, I was able to be there for him and give him comfort. As for the therapy and medicine for depression, I tried them both for years with varying problems. Suffice it to say they didn't work for me. Your comment that I should have tried therapy or medicine sounds like you thought I just did this on a whim. It was a last resort. I had tried everything BUT divorce.

I have to say one thing about your comment about my character. Character is a funny thing. I was faithful to my husband for 23 years. I forgave him calling me names in front of our children, belittling me and using our children to hurt me, knocking me down on a public sidewalk outside (also in front of our children) and many, many other things I consider every bit as damaging as infidelity. I never berated my husband to our children but taught our daughters to love and respect him. I took them to church, served other people in the community and ministered in a prison outreach, had a summer bible school for the kids in our neighborhood out of my home, took care of a parent with Alzheimers, in short, did everything I knew to do that I thought was right and of good character. I lived this way for over 20 years. One day, I had finally had enough. I knew if I didn't do something soon, I would end up wrapping my car around a telephone poll. So, how long does one have to be a good person before they can be judged as having a good character? If I had died before I had the affair, everyone would have thought I was a model wife and a "good" person, but because I chose to do something radical rather than kill myself, I have a bad character? I have learned that everyone has something in his or her heart that makes them less than perfect. Infidelity is easy to point a finger at because it's "out there" for everyone to look at and judge. But we all have something. Some sins are just more easily concealed. Tenderchichi doesn't have to go after a married man. But if her husband doesn't care enough about her to give her the affection to which she is entitled, how can he fault her for going somewhere else? Fidelity is not the only responsibility in marriage. Love is just as much a part of the vows as fidelity. If one person in the marriage is withholding their love, then they have already broken their vows. I heard someone say once, when we come to the end of our life, it will be the things we didn't do that we will regret the most.

"It was something I had to do at the time".

No one ever has to have an affair with a married man. Sorry, but you had options other than divorce. The fact that you don't see that is what makes me questions your judgment. You could be Mother Theresa otherwise, but the fact remains that you think you had a right and HAD to have an affair with a married man (in order to not leave your husband or kill yourself). I'm just not buying it. If you were that suicidal you should have left your husband or gotten better medical help. You did have other options, people do live through marriages like yours without affairs. It was the choice for you at the time that gave you the happiness you think you deserved; it's as simple as that. Did you think of the other family at all? Deserved or not, it doesn't make it a right choice IMHO.

ps: In my book, marriage is a covenant NOT a contract. That means you still have to hold up the end of your vows even if your partner doesn't. Not always easy but just because one partner fails isn't an excuse for the other partner to do the same.

And you say,
"it will be the things we didn't do that we will regret the most"
Again, if you are attributing this type of quote to your having an affair with a married man, I just don't think you really get what you did.

Carla35:

Why exactly are you even in this forum? You seem to be quick in judging the behavior of others, yet if you are in a less than desirable marriage with your spouse, you have neglected to share that information. And we are here for support and advice - not for someone to point a finger at us for past decisions.

Hon,

I've been here for years and you, only a month, so get off your own high hypocritical horse and quite pointing your fingers at me. There is nothing on these forums that say we have to support what every poster has to say.

I offer advice when I think it is needed if I have something to share... Which I have done more times than you could count. And, if I see something that seems wrong or off, I say so... sorry, you don't like it.

And, let me get this straight, you're one of those people that think only people that agree with them should be posting? 'Free speech only as long as you're saying something I agree with'.... I don't think so. No one died and put you in charge. I can say what I want. You can disagree with my opinion all you want, but don't imply I shouldn't be here or shouldn't have the right to express my opinion (for whatever lame reason). That is just wrong on so many levels and the biggest type of bullying there is.

If you think this forum is all about everyone holding hands and agreeing with everyone, you are wrong. Why don't you find the Nurse Christine post and read it or some of the other posts? Kum ba yah!

Hi -
Searcing for an answer, I found a scripture that I go back to when I start to judge or feel judged. I often fail but know that there is the better way.
The Way of Love
13:1 If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, [1] but have not love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; [2] 6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

8 Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. 11 When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. 12 For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.

13 So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love. (1Corinthians 13)

We cannot judge things accurately when we don't have all the information - however, it is what makes us decent human beings to discern right from wrong - when we no longer identify things as unacceptable, we become a chaotic society.

I agree with Carla in that we always have choices. To describe being perfect for 20 years is inaccurate. Perfection would have been to have dealt with abusive behavior appropriately - with boundaries and limits. To 'act' as if, is not perfect behavior. It is fuel for a ticking time bomb to explode 20 years later into doing something that will affect generations to come.

That's not judgment, that's fact. Judgment would be to say,
you're evil or you're going to hell. Rather, to say affairs are unacceptable because of the long term ramifications on children and individuals is simply a fact.

"...we are here for support and advice - not for someone to point a finger at us for past decisions."

You're here for your reasons and I'm here for mine. You say what you want and I'll say what I want.

Sad and lonely:

I am so sorry you are sad and lonely. I appreciate your attempt at defending me. I have seen Carla types all over the Internet. They are commonly referred to as trolls. This is the name given them because they arent looking for help and they never have anything constructive to offer. They troll around to different message boards and chat rooms eavesdropping on others conversations. Then, when they see someone who has exposed themselves or says something they disagree with, they jump on that person with both feet. All they really want to do is quarrel. They dont even care what the argument is about so long as they come out looking right. Their main objective is simply to parade their moral superiority. They are generally very hostile and insulting. They do this to try and illicit a reaction. I think trolls probably have very low self esteem. They cant feel good about themselves unless they can find someone worse off than they are so they can say, "Well, at least Im not as bad as THAT person."

I have found the best way to deal with trolls is to simply ignore them. Eventually they go away.

I wanted to say to Chi Chi that I went back and read all of your previous posts. I didnt have time to do that up until now, but you really have some good insights. Its obvious you have been dealing with this issue for a long time. You certainly seem to have your head on straight. You said one thing that really hit me like a hammer. You said that sometimes we take out our anger on our spouse, but we are really mad at ourselves. I probably knew this on an unconscious level, but seeing it in print made me realize that was what I was doing. I kept asking myself "How did you get yourself into this mess?" I remembered a therapist once saying that depression can be a tool that we use to punish ourselves. I am hoping that if I can work on forgiving myself for falling for and marrying a man who is physically distant that maybe my depression will start to lift.

I also wanted to ask you all, where do you get your joy? Women have such a tendency to get most or all of our joy from our husbands and our intimate connection with our husbands. When that connection is not there, we have to find joy in other ways. Do you have friends that you get together with, have hobbies or close relationships with your children? I was just wondering about this. Thanks for sharing.

My office is closing at noon tomorrow (Yeh!!) so I probably wont make it back here until Friday. I have a lot of work to do getting ready for the holiday. I want you to know I will be thinking about all of you, and I hope you all have a blessed and happy THANKSGIVING!

OK, now we're on to name calling? And, what, you've only been here a few days....

You did say something intelligent, though:

"I have found the best way to deal with trolls is to simply ignore them. Eventually they go away".

Is that a hint I should try to ignore you ;-)... Now come on... you're so fun to "bother with the truth". I can't help myself... I HAVE to tell people things they don't want to hear (sort of like you 'HAVE' to have affairs) because I'm so insecure and love to live vicariously through people with marriage problems. Or, maybe I've indepthly studied interpersonal relationships in college and like to help people learn from their mistakes to be able to better their futures, or maybe even, I am working on a Masters in Family Counseling and like to try to help or just like to read the stuff that's out there. Who knows???

Just because people don't take the nice or even a religious approach all the time doesn't mean their intention isn't in the right place. Sometimes I find people here have to be hit in the head with a brick to be able to see things clearly. Maybe not your favorite approach, but sometimes the truth does hurt, and more importantly, sometimes the truth really does NEED to hurt.

Take out your frustrations on me and call me all the names you want. If I have even made you think about not cheating with another married man ever again, I've succeeded in doing what I've intended. I truly wish you luck with your marriage problems and I hope you personally have a very Happy Thanksgiving, and will keep you and your marriage in my prayers.

Oh, and if you're looking for ways to find joy...best bet, volunteer in an activity or give time to help an organization, say for example, collect food and gifts for the less fortunate or help out at a food kitchen. Don't focus on trying to make yourself happy... focus on trying to make someone else/others happy... that's usually more fulfilling and where the REAL joy should come.

In my own experience, joy could not come from sleeping with a married man.

Self esteem is directly related to living consistently within one's value system.

Doing something hurtful in order to deal with one's own anger is damaging to the self worth, and cannot result in joy. Fun, perhaps, but it is short lived.

If I were unhappy in my marriage, I would probably do everything in my power to get happy in my marriage. I'd also find healthy ways to add to my joy in life. I know I would because i've been there and done that, with much agony, tears, depression meds, and have come out on the other side. It required looking HARD at myself, and no longer accepting anything but the best for myself and my marriage.

Even when I'm really, really, really short of money and really, really, really frustrated that I can't have what I "deserve" because of the shortfall, I still don't go out and take it from someone else.

Some people do that with sex. I doubt there's anyone here who hasn't been used that way at least once...and/or been the user. I suppose it works for the best in some cases but I've never known any of them.

Maybe it might have worked for business lady, but i wonder how well it worked for the married man, his wife, and their children?

And DID it work for business lady? Where is she now? That's a hypethetical question. this is twice (three) times now she's mixed up with an emotionally unavailable man. I don't see that as so great.

Sorry Business, you've become a topic more than a person - that's what happens here, but we're all trying to relate stories to general life, and here is a philosophical question, we're all quite interested in for whatever reason.

Hi -

businesslady: "You said that sometimes we take out our anger on our spouse, but we are really mad at ourselves."

I don't take my anger out on DH. Strange as it is, DH is more angry at me. Maybe because I do not pursue anymore.

Often times the refused becomes the refuser. Not necessarily on purpose. Why would you keep beating a dead horse? It becomes normal for you and you adjust. Imagine if you went to live some place where it was unusually cold. You would miss the change of seasons. You would bundle up to keep warm. After a while you would adjust to it. You could leave but you put down roots and had a family, job, etc. Those are some of the practical reasons. In the situation at hand, however, there are additional variables. Those being, moral, ethical, religious etc. If those reasons did not exist, then (we) could take mini vacations to tropical islands (affairs) to tide us over the frigid weather. But, our situation is complex and other people's lives (as well as our own) can be torn apart.

businesslady "we are really made at ourselves"

That seems true enough. We went into a situation without "emotional intelligence". That is a skill that often times is learned from our family of origin. A script for our life. Or, a roll of the dice. We made important life decisions without the maturity, wisdom, experience to know better and got "set up" for failure. There isn't really a reason or need to seek blame at this point. What good does it do? During the process of coming to terms with it, yes, we might go on a journey seeking answers. At first, we try to figure out what caused the spouse to be that way. (does it matter whether it is drinking, violence, sexual anorexia or any other thing?) You finally realize that you can't figure anybody else out nor can you fix somebody else only yourself.

During this process you might experience small little glimpses of understanding. There are moments where you realize that there really isn't any controlable reason for it. What is good about it is that you come to realize that there will never be a place of permanent comfort that you can sit in. Just when you think that you have gotten a handle on life and 'believe' that you have reached homeostasis something or someone comes along to throw a monkey wrench into the illusion of comfort and safety.

I think that the biggest problem with relating to this issue is the deeply personal and complex nature of it. When people address posts about money, affairs, drinking, domestic violence, etc. there isn't the element of the profound personal rejection that goes along with this. It is obvious that the drinker or beater owns the problem. A women who is beaten and violently abused or denied the economic resources to raise her children and sustain life will immediately be told to get out of the situation. People in those situations are in danger and need help. When intervention occurs there is an obvious positive result. Our "scars" are invisible. There is no blood or gaping wounds or starving children. That is why we are left to feel not just alienated from our spouses but other people. We are like the lepers of old who are sent off to live on an island. Who could understand us better but other lepers? And, lepers tend each others' wounds.

We are also in danger of depression and anxiety as well as ill health. Sometimes physical danger as some may argue and fight to the point where violence can occur. It can get very destructive. No one can intervene unless you do it yourself.

That is where, I think, Faith comes into play. Faith is, to me, the Belief in a Future. It is possible that the situation can be overcome even if the spouse never changes. You have to decide what it is you want from Life and if he or she comes along with it. If they don't then letting go of them and the resources that go along with them. If the loss is only about fear of tangible goods then you will have no joy only disappointment and frustration. You will lose all hope. Fear is the absence of Hope.

Perhaps, Forgiveness might be at the core of moving on. Often times when a person forgives, they do so conditionally. Expecting something in return. "I will forgive you if you do_____(fill in the blank). It would be really nice if that would happen and from time to time it does. Forgiveness means that before the person who hurt you does anything to address your pain, you forgive without any expectation. That disconnects you from what they did/are doing to hurt you. Sometimes they don't think they did anything are shocked at the revelation and can't understand that there should be any issue at all. No one has to stay in a situation that continuously causes them pain. If you can't get above it then you will be a player in the game of anger and hostility. The damage done is obvious as the bitterness comes to taint the surroundings. A decision needs to be made or you wind up staying in this hell of your own making. There is no way out. If an individual is having a problem with deciding whether to stay or go and the reasons are spiritual in nature then you need to explore your relationship with G_d. He never gives us more than we can bear and when things are rough He opens a door. He makes a way. Maybe we look for permission to do what we know would be the right thing for our life. I think a person needs to reach down deep inside to get it. Whether you decide to stay where you are or go must come from within you. Whatever anyone decides is a deeply personal decisions and they are the ones that need to do the work necessary in order to find the strength and peace necessary to live out their life as fully and abundantly as they were meant to.

Jerimiah 1-5
"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you
before you were born I set you apart"

I totally feel like I'm in a marriage by myself. I've communicated my need for intimacy over and over again. We have been married for almost four years and things are just getting worst. I have a 7mth old baby and I'm contemplating leaving next year if things do not improve. This lack of intimacy has been shattering my self-esteem and I just refuse to go on like this. I am in counseling to deal with me and issues involving all types of abuse that took place in my childhood... I plan to continue counseling , but I know that this relationship will not improve. I find myself fantasizing about being on my own and I'm just convinced that I will be better off. I wish all of you the best and hopefully unlike me you want to work it out...

Well, here is a post from the other side. I am 30 yrs old and I've been with my wife for around 3 yrs now but we've only been married for 1 year. We have probably had sex only 10 times in the last 12 months and I must admit it is basically due to my refusal to have it. Most of the time the problem is that I really just am not in the mood. When i am in the mood, for whatever reason, i would rather masturbate and gratify myself this way - and I do. I know this is completely selfish of me but the truth of it is, I have lost almost all desire to be physically intimate with my wife. I don't really know why. The crazy thing is that my wife is very beautiful and sexy and has a wonderful body. I am attracted to her from the standpoint that I acknowledge her as being beautiful and truly am honored and proud to be with her and I know that many people see her as very beautiful and many guys would love to be with her. However, even though I think she's beautiful, that doesn't equate to me wanting to be physical and wanting to have sex with her at least not anymore. When we first met, this was obviously one of the main reasons we were together - because we were very attracted to each other. But this sexual attraction has unfortunately diminished. I am confused as to why I am feeling this way or why this has happened. For whatever reason, now, when I "get in the mood" and gratify myself, I tend to think about my past and previous sexual escapades with other females that I had before meeting my wife. When we met we were all over each other and the first couple years, sex was great and passionate and we had it several times a week. But it has declined significantly and now we rarely have sex. I know she is completely fed up with my coldness and although she doesn't want to bring it up a lot, when she does, it usually turns into a fight. It's important to note that one reason I may shy away from having sex is that I have always suffered from Premature Ejaculation. Having to have sex and not being able to last long is very humiliating and sometimes it feels better to avoid a situation like that then failing to satisfy your partner. It's also important to note that my wife is one of those women who has never had an orgasm (or so she claims). She had a few partners/boyfriends before me and she says she wasn't able to have orgasms with them either. She says it's always been a problem for her and has told me that we she has been close many times. She claims that if I last longer and if we try harder then she might be able to orgasm. She claims that she can not orgasm because it is just "too much for her to handle" physically and it overwhelms her she gets to the brink but just cant get there. I don't really know how to explain that but that's what she says. I know it bothers her a lot. It has me confused thoroughly since I was able to bring previous girlfriends to orgasm in the past. However, the fact is, we have tried many times, especially early in our relationship, and there have been many times when I have been able to last long (30min to 1 hour or more) but she still wasn't able to achieve an orgasm. I've even taken Viagra a few times which basically allowed me to have sex all night but she still couldn't have orgasms then either. We have tried toys and all sorts of lubricants, etc and those were fun but like everything else, it failed to get her to climax and they eventually lose their appeal. Needless to say, those toys are now collecting dust. So my reasons for not wanting to have sex are related to both with my frequent inability to last long coupled with her lack of ability to reach orgasm - not a good mix. She claims that sex is still good even though she doesn't orgasm but it just seems like a waste of time on both our parts to go through the whole charade. I wonder what the point is. I know people will say sex is about expressing your love for that person, etc, etc, but to me, if I cant last, and if she cant get off, whats the point. Why bother? I havent given up completely but now it's getting to the point where I recently had sex with her and I could not get myself into it at all and I had a hard time maintaining an erection simply because I wasn't into it. I realize that the longer we go without having sex the worse off it is but I don't know how to get myself to wanting my wife physically again. I know she tries hard to get me into the mood and she even buys nice lingerie and stuff and when I turn her down I feel really bad. But the fact is, lingerie doesnt do anything for me. Ive read a lot of women on here saying that they get all dressed up and made up and stuff to get their man in the mood but what women dont understand is that that kind of stuff really does nothing for a man - at least not for me and most other guys. If he isnt in the mood in general, dressing up in sexy lingerie wont do anything. As rude as this sounds, unless you are a different woman in lingerie, its not going to do anything. This brings up another point: I had been with many other women in the past so sexual variety is what really kept me going. I think now that Im relegating myself to one woman, its taking its toll and Im getting bored with the monogamous relationship. Please note, I have NO plans to cheat on my wife. But I really think that Im getting bored sexually in addition to the aforementioned problems. The thrill of the hunt is no longer there so theres somewhat of a void there. I do love my wife so much and she loves me too but this part of our relationship is really in trouble and eventually its going to create major problems. Im not sure what to dothanks for letting me vent. Any comments are appreciated.

Maybe if she tried a long Blonde wig with that new lingerie it'd get you going - LOL

I really think you are taking to heart and blaming yourelf for your wife not being able to climax. Let me tell you; she's got a problem and it's not you. She should be able to climax even without you. Has she talked to a medical professional herself? Granted, maybe she is very content with the way she is, but it's bringing you down... no pun intended. It sounds like you have tried to solve or correct your problem, but it hasn't helped her at all. You're doing all you can. I'd tell her it really bothers you that she doesn't climax and that's it's not just her problem, but yours too since it's probably affecting your sex drive towards her. At least that's what I would think is happening. I'm not sure I would be attracted to a man I knew I could never really please. Ask her to talk to someone.

Carla35 - the fact is, she already has long blond hair...so the wig wouldn't help! thx tho! ;)

About the lingerie thing.....

Can be very enticing. Can be a wonderfully enhancing gift to the partner.....if everything else is OK. However, it can also be an unspoken announcement. Like..."OK, big boy, I'm doing my part here so you're really going to perform tonight, aren't you?" Then if things don't go according to expectations, it becomes another chip in the blame-game. Fun and enticement can be turned into a bad-news sexual set-up without any words being spoken. Scenarios assume mutual assent. If, as in nick2007's case as he described it, so many things are wrong to begin with it can be just one more complication in and already bad mix.

Condensing...I view it as an enhancement to something that already works. I don't see it as a solution or even part of one.

Solutions or help for what nick2007 described? Don't have.

Nick2007- Do you have kids? My husband has the ability to acknowledge that I am attractive but has no interest in having sex with me anymore. That developed after we had kids. Prior to having kids, we had a "normal" sexual relationship. I'm curious as to whether something changed in your relationship such as having kids....

I never post to this forum, but Nick's post compels me to do so. Nick, please get yourself and your wife to a sex counselor or marriage counselor that works with sexual issues. I'm sure that a competent therapist can solve your problems or at least help a great deal. Some women never orgasm, but that is rare. Given your decription of the situation, your reaction is perfectly understandable to me. Don't let it continue. Also, do some reading; there are many sex advise books out there. You and your wife may have some misconceptions about what's going on and what is needed. Good luck.

Thanks everyone for your comments.

The problem with lingerie and those types of things is that I already see my wife naked everyday and we even shower together sometimes so having her dress up in lingerie doesn't do anything for me for some reason. (There even used to be fun sex in the shower but the desire for that is completely gone as well. I know she still wants to though...)

According to her she has never reached orgasm even when masturbating. In fact, she doesn't really masturbate anymore because she says she can't ever reach climax. So I know she doesn't practice it (maybe she should). But I guess I should practice methods of lasting longer as well. But I guess I have to address the issue of even wanting to have sex again to begin with and being intimate in the first place. I'm having major problems getting aroused by her and even wanting to kiss and make out and this really scares me! I know she's never seen a doctor regarding her issue of not reaching climax and neither have I with my PME.

sohurt - We don't have kids yet so that really has nothing to do with my lack of desire sexually to her. I too see my wife as a gorgeous woman and am proud to be out in public with her as she gets a lot of stares and is always being hit on by random guys during the day. However, looking to the future, I really hope I don't experience the problems you are going through but I see them as very possible for me too once my wife has kids. Guess I should be more positive...

We have in fact actually recently starting seeing a marriage counselor and the sex issue will definitely be coming up soon - we just haven't gotten their yet. We've got some other issues that are being addresses. And the counselor so far has definitely helped us with those so far. So I'm sure all this will come out and be discussed. Because none of these details I've described above have been talked about yet. We are both fully aware of them but don't really talk about them much.

Definitely need help!

I'm just throwing this out there... but, do you think you could subconsciously think your wife is too good (physically) for you? It sounds like she's model material and we know nothing of you. If you are say, just average, (and have PME problems on top of that), you may be very insecure with her looking so good. I know a couple this has happened to. The husband's 'insecuritites' made him not sleep with her. It was like he wanted to make her feel undesired to be more on level with him because he was jealous of her beauty. Does that make sense... Could that subconsciously be going on with you?

And, do either one of you take medicines? I know it's been discussed here on many threads but various medicines can affect sexual desires and climaxing. I think steve probably hit the nail on the head though... your wife may not know what is needed for her to climax... a book may help (or, heck, even a good bottle of wine!).

I have a feeling your counselor will be able to help. Good luck and keep us updated because I know a lot of people on these threads would be interested to know what happens and if you ever figured out what the problem was and how to resolve it.

Yearning for His Touch

My head laying softly on the pillow..
I stare over in the darkness..
Yearning for the man I married to want me
Tears fill my eyes as another night gos by with our his touch or reach..
What is wrong here..
A sex that seemed once so great
My thoughts go wild : he has no desire for me anymore
I hurts so bad inside.
Him touching me only to get it over now.
As my thoughts so believe

Husband not interested..
Is there another woman
Or does he enjoy pleasing himself only..
Or sex is not of interest to him anymore
Other things go though my head..
My thoughts so many..
As I hurt inside..

If only I looked better..
Was skinnier
Looked younger..
Dressed better..
Will this help
Or could it be the way I act..
Am I a turn off
I just dont know ..
My thought go on..

What is really going on..
Do I go on like this..
DO I just keep letting it go..
Can Imy thoughts so wild

When you choose to marry someone, sex is a very big part of a marriage. If you do not share the same feeling about sex with your spouse or significant other ..It gets hard, especially when you are unable to talk about it, or wont. Someone is going to get hurt. Get help if you really love each other and want your marriage to work..

Carla35 - thx for the suggestion but that is absolutely NOT the case. I am very secure with how i look. I know I am quite attractive and always have been considered so. That's def not it.

Neither one of us is on medication either.

I truly need to dig deep to find out why i just don't want to be physically intimate anymore with my wife or why she just isn't doing it for me anymore. I don't know why I have to think of other women to get turned on since this was never a problem to begin with...

Here's another idea that probably isn't it, but how about... are you afraid of getting her pregnant and/or having a child with her?

Here's some info from Wikipedia... Maybe you can find some ideas there:

carla35 - I'm not afraid of getting her pregnant or having a child either.

However, ISD sounds interesting but the problem with that is that I'm not disintersted in sex. Rather I'm disintersetd in sex with HER. I think about sex with other women (past girlfriends) but can't seem to gather the sexual energy to focus on my wife anymore like i used to. Things were so great at first and now it's fading fast.

Now I'm even more weary of having sex with her dreading the possibility of not being able to maintain an erection from not being turned on at all. Which in turn would cause her great emotional pain I'm sure and I definitely don't want to hurt her.

Some people here may read this thinking that I just dont' love my wife and that we're not meant to be together or that we're not communicating or not close enough or whatever. The fact is, I LOVE my wife, I love being married to her and she's my best friend, I tell her everything (except of course going into details about my recent sexual apathy towards her). I wish I didnt' think about sex with other women. I really wish I would be able to come home every night and just want to ravage my wife but I just don't feel like doing that ever. It's so weird. I think having many sexual partners in the past spoiled me in a way and now I'm just getting bored with having to be with one woman. The thing is the first couple years were great with my one girlfriend but the first year of marriage has only made my sexual desire diminish. I never thought I would get "bored" so soon in life! I always thought that maybe older couples after 25-50 years of marriage would eventually lose interest or get bored with their partners but never thought it would happen to me at the age of 30 and after only 1 yr of marriage...

But, Nick according to the link..

"ISD may also be either situational to the partner (where he/she has interest in other persons, but not toward the partner)"... that's why I thought of you. I would look into ISD further. And, can't recall if you are, but if you're using porn, stop for the time being. It's probably only hurting matters. I think there's something going on other than just normal marriage boredom. I'm sure you can get more to the the root of it with a good therapist. I agree with you though, don't mention your total lack of desire for your wife to her; doesn't seem like a good move.

Nick -

Do you know what limerence is or have you ever experienced it? Definition taken from Wikipedia:

"Limerence, as posited by psychologist Dorothy Tennov, is an attempt at a scientific study into the nature of romantic love. The meaning of the word, which was coined by Tennov in 1977, is an involuntary cognitive and emotional state in which a person feels an intense romantic desire for another person, the limerent object."

Some people fall in love and live out their lives happily attached with no need for being in this state. Others have experienced it and need to feel this way in order to fall in love and marry. It can sustain for a very long time. Are you feeling this for someone else even if unrequited?

Sometimes people wind up in relationships where their partner is limerent but they are not. They think that everything will work out because they ride in the wake of their partner's passion. Eventually that may not be enough to sustain the excitement of being with someone who is madly in love with you when your feelings don't match up with theirs.

If you didn't feel the same way as DH from the start then you lied to yourself and her.

I recognize that you do not want to hurt your DH's feelings and don't want to tell her the truth about your feelings. I think eventually this situation is going to "blow up".

Even if you can conjure up the urge for sex, and produce the goods, you are faking it. By your own admission you state that you do not want to.

I would give this situation a little time so you can, at least, make an attempt to try to feel something "real" for your DH.

If not, you should come clean with her. I know for sure that I wouldn't want to engage in sex with someone who did not want me. DH should be given the right to decide, too.

I think it is only fair.
The following is a link to article on limerence on Wikipedia.

tenderchichi,

I recall reading about limerence on this board before. I had never heard of it before then. I don't know if you have studied it, but I have a question for you. Last time I read about it, it reminded me of a sort of soul mate type of undying love, but this time I'm getting a different impression... In part of your link it says...

"New Relationship Energy (NRE) thrives on open communication and known mutuality of feelings and is mostly seen as a positive bonding experience, while limerence can dissipate once reciprocity is established, and is characterized by uncertainty and anxiety. New Relationship Energy also carries implications of active contrast with relationships in different stages, while limerence does not."

That, along with some other references make me think that limerence may not really be a deep love situation, but rather an emotional problem related to an anxiety or an Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder that some people have.... Thus, that may even account for suicide tendencies amoung these type of relationships. Now that I think of it, I have friend that seems to love like this and is somewhat of a stalker-- she's bipolar and has some OCD tendencies.

I'm just wondering what your take on limerence is... Is it a wonderful thing many are missing out on...or, is it probably part of an obsessive-type mental disorder? It seems like it could be great to love and be loved like this...but at the same time, it just seems sort of scary.

Sorry to hi-jack the thread with this question...

Carla -

Limerence does seem kind of "crazy. Have you ever experienced it? From what I read, many people keep it hidden and the object of their desire remains unaware. It can last for many years and the person experiencing it does not stalk or do any other undesirable or risky things. They may suffer but they do so in silence. Limerence is not under the control of the person stricken with it and there is no way to stop it. It can sustain within the context of a vacuum. For some, the duration may be shorter than others who may suffer with it for years, even a lifetime without the desired object knowing it or returning the feelings.

There is a risk that a limerent person might stalk or harm the desired love interest if unrequited. However, doing so would probably indicate that there are other underlying problems such as obsessive or borderline or narcissistic personality disorder. Also addiction issues as well as bi-polar might be present as well. I don't know if these dangerous types are limerent or some other thing.

I don't know what research has been done on it but the person who coined the name has written a book based on her research. (as indicated in the article)

I think that it can exist independent of the undesirable traits mentioned above. I believe that it is common to all peoples everywhere. It has been written about and is in literature all over the world, in particular, Shakespeare. (Romeo & Juliet) Thousands of songs where the feelings of not being able to get the person out of their mind or not being able to sleep or eat, ......etc. are the subject matter of the broken hearted songs. LOL! However, it truly is not funny because people suffer intensely over the feelings of pain and loss when they seek to fulfill their need to be romantically involved with a person.

People who never experienced problems with obsession have been stricken. At times a person can reach middle age without ever having experienced it and are struck with it out of the blue.

Other times, a person thrives on the feelings which surround it and need to feel it in order to start a relationship. They are not satisfied with a romantic partner unless they are experiencing it. When it wanes, they move on. In a sense they are "limerence junkies".

Whatever the underlying biological basis for this state/disorder is is unknown but for sure many people do experience it.

P.S -

Carla,

you postulate that it, (limerence), may not be a deep love experience. That is true in that when the limerent goal is reached it may begin to fade and the limerence ends. It may end if the limerent object shows very undersirable traits which the limerent person did not know about.

Otherwise, the desired limerent object may be obtained and the feelings sustain long enough for bonding to occur and a relationship then develops into true or lasting love.

Consider that people may enter into couplehood and neither one is limerent for the other (in the sense described in the article). However, they are attracted to each other physically and in other respects. They, too, must bond, share experiences and life together while that kind of pairing matures into love.

I don't think the aftermath of the pairing is any different other than that the limerent types are on fire for the person desired.

But, and I guess, this is what I don't understand... limerence itself seems like a fantasy infatuation obsession thing... with no real basis for true love. Not to say true love can't evolve...it can always evolve. But, really, though, what Romeo and Juliet experienced was probably not real love (at least the way I know it).. they barely knew each other. It was more of an obsession. And, the forbidden fruit, so to say, is a powerful thing too...

I have experience heavy crushes (with fantasy thoughts and even hints of obsessions) and those good pangs of beginning love where you feel you can do anything, don't eat, don't sleep, etc.... but I see and know them as such (crushes and chemical reactions) so I am not sure how limerence would differ from any other heavy crush or new relationship feeling...

I guess the length of the crush, the hard to attain concept, the obsession quanity, and the fact that you generally keep it to yourself may be different. Maybe I experienced degrees of it, but I can't help but think I would have to tell my 'crush' within a normal time period... and then, if not reciprocated, my feelings would fade and I would move on.

Have you experienced it? Anyone else here?

And, am I the only one that had never heard of this term before? For some reason, it just seems very interesting to me and I'm surprised I had never heard it before since it does seem to describe the type of relationship in many 'love' stories (Romeo and Juliet, etc).

You know what...I went ahead and started a new thread on this subject - Limerence-- If anyone else is interested in the subject, please post over there. Sorry for hi-jacking this thread.

Ok - limerance...not sure i have anythign else to contribute about that...but here's an update on my side:

Woke up this morning "in the mood" and made a move on my wife. I started out with a back massage which she enjoyed but when i made my move, she giggled and she said she had to go to the bathroom and that was the end of that. She came back to bed but that was it. I'm not really hurt in anyway that she wasn't receptive since, geez, it's usually the other way around. Plus I really think she just wasn't in the right frame of mind. Hopefully I'll be in he mood again. The point is, I was able to get that feeling of wanting her...not just wanting the act of sex but to actually want to be intimate and to feel each other as sexual beings.

If men are having a hard time getting in the mood and just not into getting sexual with their wives, I think they shoudl just stop masturbating for a while. Women should hope their husbands could at least try to stop so that their desire comes back. I think the more we refrain from masturbating, the more we will desire our partners. Not that I've figured it all out or anything but I have tried stopping from doing it at all the last few days and I'm thinking this morning's results were due to that. There's still a lot of work on my end but this morning was promising.

Our pastor just completed a sermon series where he said that God had created women to want Romance and Intimacy, and created man to want sex and tranquility! Well, I got to tell you, I want it all! But my wife of 47 years will not even talk about it! The lack of sex (which was always the missionary position only...never, heaven forbid, "forbidden touching and kissing of other body parts!) with us came just after our first son was born (46 years ago!) Since then there were times when I would spend a lot of time with foreplay and finally we would engage...but there continued to be more and more distance from her. My frustration at one time caused me to tell her that I could do my job better and be in a better frame of mind if we could at least cuddle and have sex at least once a week...she said to not press my luck!

It's been a year since we had any contact; we are just like brother and sister; I think I'm losing my mind! I still love her, and will not abandon her...she seems to still need me to be there......But, now because of her lack of desire for me, I no longer have any desire for her! I thought I had a erectile dysfunction problem, but lo and behold its not been a problem as I finally have brought myself to look at other women as possible mates!!!!
So, this next week, I am beginning my search to find a lady who is in the same boat as me....and begin a love relationship, if possible.... I know the statistics may say this is an impossible dream....but, as a self made businessman, I have tackled big odds before. Does anyone have any suggestions for me???

Twainmark-- Wow, that's an interesting proposition! From a purely practical standpoint... sure, I don't doubt you could find a sex buddy. Not that difficult, probably. What is difficult is how you are going to open your marriage out. If you do so without your wife's consent, you are exposing her to emotional devastation as well as the possibility of sexually transmitted disease (at least one of which shows up on routine gyno tests). I suggest you give her a shot at addressing the problem before you start an affair.

Thank you for putting my feelings into words. I am so surprised that I am not alone. I feel so odd, embarrased and lonely. He will not even touch (holding hands) without my initiating it. After 20 years of marriage, we finally went to counselling and while other issues have improved, he is not able to open up about this. We have four adopted children and have projected a married life that isn't "real". For now, I am staying in it but it is getting harder. I find myself actually jealous of friends who having intimate marriages. I'll keep watching this post for the support of others. It really does help to know I'm not alone.

Boy it took a load off my mind reading other people's posts on this topic. It's a hard one to talk about with any of the 'normal' people you would talk to about things in your life. I realize the original poster is a woman discussing issues with her husband and I'm glad she isn't upset that men are 'hijacking' her post and discussing their own sexless marriages.

I met my wife about 8 years ago and started dating just over 7 years ago. We got married in 2004. In my case my wife and I are the exact same age nearly 40 and just had twin boys a year ago; our only children as she had a tubal ligation during the C-section delivery. Our sex life was phenomenal during our first few years and I thought I had met someone with a 'matching sex drive' both for frequency and 'adventurism', although it hadn't been all that great even the last six months before we got married, but it was 'survivable' because while the frequency wasn't much and kept declining to the point of once every few months after we got married, the sex itself was awesome and not just 'orgasmic'. It also seemed that when we started trying to get her pregnant that maybe things were turning around. Not only were we having sex more frequently, but it seemed that we were laughing together more and definitely spending more time together outside the bedroom also.

Unfortunately, the last time we had sex or physical intimacy beyond a brief 'closed mouth' kiss and a hug was the day she told me she was pregnant. Nothing since... over a year and a half now. I'm nearly at wit's end as my libido is and always has been very active, and while masturbation can 'take the edge off' it isn't really satisfying and becomes less so after becoming the only sexual stimulation you get. An affair isn't an option as I made a vow and that is more important to me than I can say in words, and would simply add guilt and self-loathing to my misery of not having sex with my wife. I asked her if maybe there was something physical she could ask her doctor about... she didn't talk to me for days. I've suggested counseling a few times and her attitude is that it would be basically worthless, but that if I wanted to go alone I was welcome to...great...thanks. The few times I've tried to 'come on to her' she has treated me like some creepy cousin at a family reunion, and when I try to kiss her and maybe rub her shoulder or back a bit in bed she literally flinches. That got me to the point of changing my bedtime to be well after hers just to avoid the temptation to touch her. We still sleep nude in the same bed so that seemed most prudent...but sad and frustrating. I've tried suggesting 'date nights' which she'll agree to but once it's 'date night' she's always 'too tired' and just wants to sit and watch TV; which I'm very picky about... not controlling the remote doesn't bother me as I would just as soon read as watch almost any TV, but there is stuff I just won't watch and my wife knows it, but she won't do anything else like go to a movie, or even just sit outside and watch the sunset. I know she's not cheating for too many reasons to count, but trust me... here is just one reason... she ain't the type to have sex with unshaven legs, and I don't mean 'stubble'... and she has gone weeks at a time without shaving since the pregnancy started. She really is a great person, a wonderful mother, good with animals and treats almost everyone she meets with respect and kindness... except me.

I'm terrified that if our marriage melts to the point I'm miserable all the time I will be forced to get a divorce which in our country means I lose my boys. I'm not sure I can take that honestly. I never thought I would love something or someone so fiercely but I just can't imagine not seeing and playing with my boys every day. So what do I do? It's horrible that the only reason I'm not seriously contemplating divorce is that in our culture and legal system simply due to the fact that I have a penis I would never be given daily custody of my children unless she was simply incapable of caring for them... ala Brittany Spears... and thank God my children do have a mother who absolutely can and does care for them. So I reiterate 'what's a guy to do?' Any suggestions would be very welcome!
Peace

dsjersey,

I would try going to counseling by yourself. Please know that I am not suggesting this is your problem to solve at all. It's just that counseling can often open up our minds to other ways to look at things and even give us other avenues that have not been explored.

Your story sounds sad and I don't know what is going on with her. I'm guessing maybe some sort of postpartum depression or maybe she is just over tired having to take care of two babies all the time. If either is the case, you may have some hope that she will return to you. I would give it some time; try some counseling for yourself.

Oh, and, as a side note, help out with the housework and babies as much as you possibly can. I know men think they are helping out, but if you're able and willing to go to a movie for date night and she's too tired, you're not helping out enough. Help out enough so that you are the one that is more tired. The sex drive of most mothers (especially those with two babies) has got to be very, very low. I have no doubt she is probably exhausted.

Good luck. And, by the way I think this thread is at it's 150 limit. Just start a new one with the same title "A Sexlesss Marriage - Part 2" if you want to continue.

Dear dsjersey and forum,

Your experience mirrors mine. My wife and I have been together for 25 years, and married for almost 17 years. We have a long back story which would be impossible to recount here, but suffice it to say that we were inseparable for many years until we had children. Since then, we have not been able to find a good and equitable balance between home and work. Feelings of unfairness and lack of respect have come to dominate our relationship. I love my wife more than anything, respect her intellect and compassion, and consider her my best friend. For the past several years, however, our intimacy has dwindled to almost nothing. We haven't had sex for five months, and only 3 times over the past year. More than that, the casual intimacies we once knew -- holding hands, giving hugs, even a kiss goodbye -- are gone. We are in counseling, but she will not address the lack of intimacy in our lives other than to say that she is "not ready" for that after the fights we have had. For his part, our counselor never raises the issue. He seems to think it is premature before we resolve our emotional issues. When I bring it up, he expresses sympathy ("that must be tough for you") but then suggests that I talk with my own therapist about the intensity of my feelings and frustrations. He won't press my wife to open up even the tiniest crack to discuss that part of our life.

My wife's lack of interest is having a huge impact on my self-esteem. She won't even touch me, and she flinches and rolls over whenever I try to caress her back or even squeeze her hand. I feel ugly, deeply unloved and unappreciated. My wife's emotional distance is having an impact on our oldest daughter, who is entering her teens and is beginning to display a similar lack of respect for me.

I am at wit's end. If one spouse is simply unwilling to talk about intimacy, how can you possibly make any progress? How do you begin a conversation when one person simply cannot commit to it?

In case you are wondering, it is not as if I don't help around the house. In fact, except for laundry, I do more than my share of cooking, cleaning, repairing, yard work, running errands, grocery shopping, and ferrying the kids around. My next door neighbors have commented on my energy in doing things in and round the house. I also intiate, asking my wife out to go for walks, go shopping, go to coffee, go out for dinner, see a movie, etc., but she rebuffs most of my efforts. Apparently my timing is terrible, though she seems to be able to make time to go out with her friends on a regular basis.

Help, I need insights and/or suggestions.
Thanks.

Huh, 151! That's why I started the new thread!

MNLonely, I'm sorry to hear about your painful situation. I'm a little puzzled why the therapist is blowing you off regarding your wife's rebuffs.

I totally get why you would feel unattractive and unloved, as our spouses are like a mirror and if the reflection isn't an affectionate one, it warps everything. Personally when I am feeling underappreciated I like to go to the gym, which works off frustration and also brings you in (strictly superficial!) contact with attractive people of the opposite sex who remind you that you still Got It, more or less. Have you tried raising your feelings of being unattractive and unloved in counseling? What does your wife say?

Preteen daughters can have issues with speaking respectfully, I think that may be as much her age as conflict in your marriage. I do think it is *very* importantly to require respectful address. Teenage children are allowed to have opinions, kowtowing not desired, but a certain baseline level of courtesy should be a non-negotiable item.

My last thought (I'm full of them today!) is to try to change the dance a little. Personally, I find this hard, but it does seem to be effective. Rather than being available and pursuing your wife, what would happen if you just withdrew and did your own thing? Not in a mean way, but work on doing things that help keep your tank filled rather than hoping that she will do it. Go to guy-movies your wife would hate anyway, garden, tinker, pancakes with friends, gym-- whatever you like doing. You could start playing World of Warcraft and your wife would have to plead for your attention (A joke! Really! Don't do it!)

Best of luck to you.

demeron,

Thanks. I have started to do my "own things," something my wife encourages, but they do not fill the void. Hopefully the arrival of warmer weather will enable me to develop a broader network of friends based on the outdoor activities I enjoy (biking, running, hiking). Yet my efforts to fill my time and/or "cultivate my own soul," so to speak, still feel empty.

Perhaps I am just insecure, but knowing my wife is interested in and loves me is incredibly important to me. Without that confidence, I find it hard to focus on other pursuits. It makes me neurotic and angers and exhausts me, as I expend a lot of time and mental energy wondering if she loves me and if she isn't just using me. I can't imagine just turning off my affection for her like a spigot in the way she has. I don't understand how I can go from being a confidant and lover to the "other" so quickly, or how the sense of trust and belonging can evaporate so quickly.

Your advice on my teen daughter is appreciated. I've read that dads tend to take their teenage daughters' mood swings personally, something I keep telling myself to avoid. Still, I can't help but notice that I have become the "bad guy" in her eyes since my wife turned a cold shoulder to me, and I don't know what to do about it. Maybe the best course is to do nothing, or at lease try to step back and gain some perspective before responding to her (my daughter).

Thanks for listening.

Hi everybody,

I am a MWM with similar problems .. ever since my wife got pregnant, which was 7 years ago, the sex life went right through the window and never came back. We are both 42yo. but there is a huge difference in our attitude toward self and others. I am always full of energy, active, in great physical and mental shape, while she is constantly tired, passive, she is letting herself go .. at this point in my life I am fed up. I have come to conclusion that there is nothing wrong with me and my desires. We have had many talks on that topic with no results, she will always find some ridiculous excuse to reject me. I am now openly seeking an intimate friend, a woman who is in a similar situation. I have slowly been dying inside, but enough is enough. My wife has been informed of my plans, but she continues to ignore me.

I am curious if there is a forum for people like us where we could get to know each other and possibly meet in real life?

I am in central New Jersey, and would love to talk, meet with someone rel. close. How far we'll go really depends on us.

Thanks for listening, polymerase@fastmail.fm

My husband has had E/D for about 25 years and has other medical issues for which he takes meds. 25 years is a long time without sex. He totally enjoys being without sex or any intimacy at all. I use to nag him and cry out of frustration but in my heart I knew that wouldn't work. I finally decided to take my life in my hands and create a group of friends whom I enjoy being with. This group consists of married couples, unmarried men and women. I some how let myself get involved with another women and the sex was great and also other men, three somes and more. I'm really enjoying the sexual freedom. I think my husband knows whats going on but he doesn't say anything about it.
Maybe I sound like a slut but I'm a very sexual person and all this sex has made me feel like a real person again. I'm still legally married to my husband but have alot of sex on the side.

I have been spending many hours on the computer trying to get information and come to grips with finally accepting that my partner has no desire to make love with me. He is affectionate but does not become aroused by me or have any interest in creating an intimate bond and developing that aspect of our relationship. He is entirely happy with the situation and states that I am the one with the problem because he is happy.
For more than two years there have been constant excuses for why there is no interest.
I am 51, but I am very active physically, teach Yoga, try to live Yogically, have waist length dark hair and weigh 110 lbs. It is not a case of me letting myself go.
The constant lack of interest makes me scrutinize and obsess over every physical flaw I have, wondering if that is what makes me so undesirable to him.
It is absolutely heart-breaking and I now realize that no matter what I do, it will never change as I am the one with the problem.
I guess first what I have to do is accept that fact. It is what it is and neither hope, effort, prayer, makeup, clothing, no clothing, hair up, hair down, shaved legs, hairy legs, will make any difference to the situation.
The killer is that he is really good looking, everything I love in a man and lots of women want him constantly. He gets upset because he thinks I am jealous. Maybe if he actually had desire for me, I wouldn't be jealous, but again, I am the one with the problem.
sigh. Good luck to you all, men and women who are trying to navigate the waters in the same boat.