Hi, hope you had a great birthday! Was thinking we should get together and have a belated celebration - are you free for lunch any time in the next couple of weeks? Things are good with me, kinda crazy with a toddler and getting ready for our second baby, but I'd love to see you. Would next Tuesday or Thursday work for you? Love ,Shee

I think Oly's example sets the perfect tone.

My thought was the same as Olychick's. Call her and tell her you'd like to take her out for her birthday. And don't make a big deal about having forgotten hers. Where I dissent from Olychick is to give detailed excuses as to why you forgot hers. What's heard is, You are so not a priority so it went right by me.

I am single, but I like being single. among the very few things I don't like about being single, though, is that you are "forgotten" a lot by peers, married ones in particular, and that does sting. It's like you're on the sidelines, not in the game. That is how it feels a lot.

Honestly? (ironic) I'd actually make a joke about it and tell her that you are sure your brain is turning to Swiss cheese because hers is, you think, the fifth birthday that flew right past you this year, including your (relative - aunt, nephew...).

Yes. Lie.

I think Oly's response is perfect. You don't have to make a big deal about forgetting, the point is you are doing something to make her day special - even if you are late doing so. Don't beat yourself up.

I agree with Running. My DH is terrible with birthdays so he set us both up with reminders. However it only gives a two day notice, so not enough time to mail a card.

Because I do keep track, I have important ones on my old fashioned calendar. I review the weeks ahead and know what is coming up. I too stock up on cards. I like the ones at Papyrus. They have a buy 3 and get one free promotion most of the time.

I have a cousin who always mixes my birthday up with a friend. She sends a cards but usually emails me on the wrong day! Sometimes it bothers me, other times not.

If this concerns you enough to post a thread here, than it is time to do something about it.

ETA: Tibbrix, when you say you are "forgotten", is it by those that you have been diligent about sending cards and remembering birthdays and anniversaries?

eld, it's more societal, I think. I think there is a subliminal prejudice against single people by married people ( this is a "gross generalization, as HRC would say! but I do believe it it is there) that there is something "wrong" or "lesser" with people who are not married. They just don't view us as peers because of our single-ness. Maybe some other single people here will chime in and disagree.

Generally, my married friends invite me over for dinner and it usually begins with, "DH is out of town or has a late business meeting tonight. Want to come over for dinner, or go out for dinner?" That kind of thing. I can't have dinner with my friend and her husband, many of whom I am friendly with and know well as well? It's just a subliminal thing, probably having to do with odd numbers. I'm certainly old enough (and moral enough!) to not be a threat to any married woman friend! I just think we are viewed as being in a different category, so to speak.

Married people here I'm sure have some perspective on this too.

I spend a lot of time with my single friends (many of my friends are singleish) and I'm married, but my husband has one single friend with whom I didn't socialize much until he got a nice girlfriend. He's sort of a dirtbag so he's not very fun to socialize with on his own. Nice enough guy but just not very housetrained. Wouldn't invite him to a dinner party on his own. We invited him and gf out to our cottage this summer and he was miserable the whole time because he would either rather be drinking at a bar or watching baseball at home. A tame yuppie outing in nature was super boring for him. Meanwhile I'm thinking "I cooked and cleaned for this ungracious guest!" and he was thinking "Kill me now, this is sooooo boring!"

I do think being paired up means naturally gravitating toward pairs for the most part, and also is associated with having less time for single friends. When I get home at night my social needs will be met like 90% by my husband. When I was single I used to have a phone list I ran down of people to call when I was doing the dishes or otherwise lonely/bored. I can't remember the last time I picked up the phone just to chat, I just don't have that urge at all. I am also more likely to call single friends, or any friends, when husband is out of town because suddenly I don't have someone around that is filling that social need. That said my husband and I socialize separately more than most couples and both have friends independent of the other.

I have also noticed this extra time/need that single people have disappears instantly when THEY get in a relationship.

Birthdays mean nothing to me and I never send out cards or greetings, nor do I care if I receive them, so I'm not much help there.

Shee, you have a very good reason for forgetting. Hope everything is going well in that regard.

Do you use a calendar? I write all the birthdays on my new calendar. I should say I USED to write birthdays on my calendar but it's all Facebook now and no one sends cards anymore.

"Birthdays mean nothing to me and I never send out cards or greetings,
nor do I care if I receive them, so I'm not much help there."

But do they mean something to your friends?

Oh and on the married/single friends, my MIL (widowed) says the same thing as Tibb. She feels like she's not included as much with couple friends she and my FIL had before he passed away.

I'm with Running. If it's important to remember (and acknowledge!) someone's birthday or anniversary, make a point to do it. It's all about priorities. I realize it's hard to remember everything in our busy lives. If you call or write to someone you've missed, please don't give excuses or reasons, because then it's about you and the missed person needs to be all forgiving. Just say you're sorry you missed it and own that.

I also live alone and generally agree with what Tibbrix is saying. There is a certain otherness to being single. Because of my age, I do have many friends in the same boat and that affords us a circle where we feel included. I generally don't get invited where couples prevail. I hasten to add that I had a wonderful life with my late husband and have made peace with my single life. I don't really see a new pairing in my future, but Mr. Kinda Right, if you're out there, I'll send you my number. Must love cats and a bossy, opinionated woman.

I try to adopt a no-honest-it-really-doesn't-matter attitude for my birthday. I may get one or two cards. Plus a call from my daughter and brother. I have to say, it really makes my day. I don't so much think less of those who didn't remember, but I do feel a welling of appreciation for the one or two who did. Amck2's wonderful doggy birthday greeting for me this year was one of the sweetest things someone I've never met has done for me. xoxo

I also find that folks rely heavily on Facebook for sending birthday greetings. It's better than nothing.

Birthdays mean nothing to me and I never send out cards or greetings, nor do I care if I receive them, so I'm not much help there.

Same here. My grandkids will come over and take me out to dinner (and I'll pay for it). :)

I try to remember my immediate family and a very few very close friends. You can burn yourself out trying to live your life for other people. At some point, just explain to your casual friend that it's difficult to manage to remember birthdays, and when you see her next, you'll have lunch and celebrate all the birthdays, anniversaries and holidays of the year. Send her a funny cute "just thinking of you" type card when you feel like it.

tinam, they might, but they might not care about things that are important to me and we all live happily with our differences. I'm legendarily absent minded, actually I think I might have ADD (if only I got the hyperactive component I'd be happy), so it's way too much stress on me to worry about it all. The negative impact on me outweighs any positive impact to friends. I send flowers to my grandmother and cards/call/dinner with immediate family but no one else. If I want to celebrate my birthday I invite friends over for a party/dinner.

I thought a situation like this was what belated birthday cards were for?

Robo, I'm curious. Was your birthday celebrated while growing up? I have a friend who didn't really have happy birthdays and she feels the same as you. We've given her a few wonderful parties over the years, but it hasn't helped. :(

Shee, do what I do, just tell the truth. I'm awful at remembering birthdays outside the family, unless I'm very close to someone. What I do is either call or email and apologize and tell them I inherited forgetting bdays and names of people from my dad. And I did! There's never any hard feelings.

If not, I also agree with Oly.

I just picked up a few belated cards. This is my favorite.

I think I'm winning this year!

Tibb said - What's heard is, You
are so not a priority so it went right by me.

Priorities. That’s
just it, as horrible as this sounds it obviously wasn’t a priority with me and
it isn’t for me to get together anytime soon. Life is hectic and emotionally charged right now and will be in the future
for an undetermined amount of time so getting together would heavily depend on how and when things unfold over here as well as her schedule, of
course. It’s more than adding a new
baby and she’s aware of some of it. Add into the mix that we also live pretty far away.

I can count my close friends on one hand. The list hasn’t changed since I was a
kid. Everyone else falls into an outside category. I’m good with this
btw. I realistically don’t have the time or desire to
dedicate adding more people to that close knit group. I truly believe this person and I have each
other in the same friend category so that helps a little, but it still doesn’t
mean I wanted to forget a birthday hello. She's a sweet person and due to past conversations I know she really appreciates this type of
thing; probably more than me. She
normally sends me a card and a text.
This year I got a quick text and that was fine. It was nice.

I don’t use my phone or email for reminders. Not making an excuse I just never found the
need before to use those features. I’ve
always been pretty good at remembering birthdays.
I will take the time to set it up now.

May – I have a handheld calendar and failed to write it
in even though I know the date.

ACTUALLY I did give my Grammy a birthday gift about a
week before (it made sense to do so in this case) and we talked about the day
and if she had plans, etc. Still wanted
to make a point to call on the actual day.

Tibb – I have some friends who are single that have noted
feeling ‘forgotten’ and some that don’t.

Generally, my married friends invite me over
for dinner and it usually begins with, "DH is out of town or has a late
business meeting tonight. Want to come over for dinner, or go out for
dinner?" That kind of thing. I can't have dinner with my friend and her
husband, many of whom I am friendly with and know well as well?....I’m
certainly old enough (and moral enough!) to not be a threat to any married woman
friend!

Interesting. I've never looked at it from this angle. I setup and say similar stuff not for
pity but because my thought is why would you want to hang out with me and my
husband, at least not every time. Especially if we were the ones originally friends which is usually the case for me. I'd much prefer to hang out with just the person I’m
primarily friends with vs. the whole family.
I also take this approach with getting a babysitter for my DS for the
same reasons. I thought it inconsiderate not to do this. I've always looked at it like a good thing!

At this point I think I’ll try and find a nice belated
card and write a little something. I
have no problem owning that I screwed up and I won’t lie about it. I just was trying to think of the best way to
handle it without adding more insult. And I
would like to get together just at a later date.

Thanks for the feedback everyone!

Oakley - I always had ok birthdays growing up. Although now that you mention it, I was extremely nerdy as a kid so have probably repressed some humiliating moments.

This year I did have a terrible birthday, I travelled for work to a rather desolate community and spent the evening dining with my boss and mentor, both lovely women. Sadly a horribly motormouth boring woman also popped up and the conversation was just absolutely torturous. The first hour was devoted to a blow-by-blow description of the last time she ordered Thai food and how drunk she got that weekend--this woman is well over 50--and the next two hours were her determinedly reminiscing with the other two in an effort to curry favor.

The restaurant service was glacially paced. The scallops were tough and cold. And I couldn't even drink at the time! Stuff of nightmares! My only worse evening this year involved lots of morphine and emergency surgery. Even then the morphine might bump that one up into second place.

You didn't forget her birthday. You remembered it on a particular day, and when you did you decided you would like to take her to lunch. Aren't those facts more important? I think so.

I have friends who clearly have a tickler list because they always call me ON THE DAY. I have a relative who clearly has a very large box of blank gender neutral notecards and never misses anyone's birthday or other event. It must be like a part time job. I have friends who forget, I have friends who are belated well wishers. I don't rate my friends based on their Birthday Performance or on the Swimsuit Competition. It's all good.

That's funny about the morphine, Robo. At least you got to take something for the "pain."

I had pretty good birthdays and now that I'm an adult I still feel the world should stop on my day. It doesn't and then I get bummed. lol

If it makes you feel bad to forget, then get a card for next year and put a reminder for yourself. It's not horrible to forget when you really want to spend time later. I think it should be like wedding gifts, for instance, any time in the month could be ok to celebrate. We need flexibility, people are busier than ever these days.