From my own experience with my Mom and her Alzheimers,it took me a bit to figure out what was going on,as she too,went waay back in her mind to about the age of 14-18.

I then learned to go along with her,and would ask what she was cooking for her Dad & brothers,and she seemed almost as if in a glorious state to talk of her past.

This is when I realized "why"my Mom didn't know me-she couldn't possibly know me,as I hadn't been even born yet in her mind.

She loved my name,and said she knew of "someone"by that name-to her,I was "nurse".

My Dad,who didnt live where my Mom was,and had normal dementia,couldn't grasp this Älzheimers thing whatsoever,and would give her whatfor whenever she drifted back to her own minds reality-he would argue that the year was 1997 and that I was who I was & what the H was wrong with her-THAT sort of stuff sent her spiralling into severe confusion.

Any change,and interruption of her train of thought did a number on her mind-so,you ,in my opinion are doing everything right-keep on doing what you have,and when the others are present,make them understand what they are doing to her.

I can only speak from my own experience here but that's what I've done with my Grandad and an Alzheimer's nurse praised me for it.

One time he saw a receipt on the counter and started fiddling with it so I asked him what it was. He looked at it for a bit and then started telling me it was a receipt for a fundraiser luncheon he and grandmother had gone to the other day (she had been dead for years) but he was confused as to why the receipt was still there.

So, instead of correcting or explaining, I asked about the fundraiser, the organization, etc. It got him talking and you could tell he was years away, reliving some moment in the past but it got him out of his shell.

The receipt he was fiddling with was actually a receipt from the grocery store earlier in the day, btw.

If I would have immediately corrected him, he would have been more confused, instead I let him live in the moment.

From my experiences in volunteering in nursing homes, this is pretty standard.

Perhaps your relatives could speak to some nurses and/or counselors who work with the elderly. They might find that what you are doing is actually good.

No, Pawprint, it is NOT BAD! It is GOOD! You are absolutely RIGHT to play along with her! ! ! Correcting her or trying to get her to remember it's 2016, will only upset and confuse her more. If she has something in her mind that happened, then as far as she is concerned, it happened! ! ! Agree with her! Alz.org and all other Alzheimer's associations that I know of all say the same thing about dealing with an Alzheimer's patient when they get fixated on something that may seem absurd, or set on doing something that is not feasible at the time, "validate and distract". If the family members that want you to correct her won't believe you on this, try to convince them to go to www.alz.org so they can learn about this horrible disease. The more everyone who is involved with your Grandma in any way knows, the easier the situation will be. Although there is no way anything to do with Alzheimer's can be called 'easy'. But there is no sense in making it harder on everyone than it has to be.

Rusty

Gosh that is good to know. Not because I have anyone in my immediate life, but I do have a neighbor and that would be a courteous thing to know. Not that I would correct anyone....but it is nice to know that not do so is a good thing.

That is exactly the right thing to do. Someone with Alzheimer's is living in their past and it really makes no difference what year it is, just talk to her like you are doing, otherwise she will get frustrated. I took care of my husband who had Alzheimer's until he got so he couldn't walk and I just couldn't care for him anymore. His affected his motor skills so he got so he couldn't talk or walk in time. If he fell. In the house, I would take a chair and put beside him, then I would get on the floor and show him how to get up which worked until he was no longer able to do that. Let her talk about whatever she wants to, just be there to show her love.

Grandma used to tell my mom about when she and grandpa were riding the dog sled through the yukon! Gotta love her imagination...

What you might consider - contact a local dementia support group and ask your family members (one at a time) to accompany you to on of their get togethers. With some luck that person will learn and help you to educate others about communicating with a person with dementia.

YOU DID GOOD!

Go along for the ride with them and you'll be enhancing their live's. I had so many wonderful times with my mother. She had Alzheimers and she came home to one of her children every weekend. She also had two of the offspring every single day for two and a half years keeping her pretty much in a happy state of mind. We sang and told jokes and acted as silly as we could to keep her happy. It worked, the people at the Alzheimer's unit asked us to share our secrets of how she was so much more animated than the rest. Sooo for her entire stay I went and visited many more patients and we had song gatherings, painting classes etc. I had a ball, loved every second of it. Learned soooo much from the patients. One woman was very closed up and alone and just talking to her and finding out about her brought her to be a much happier person. One day I saw a tattoo on her arm and I realized the sadness. In the course of learning more about her with her relatives we learned she was a pianist so the staff helped to encourage her to sit at the piano which she did every day but never played and then one day during our sing a long she started and it was beyond AMAZING. Not a dry eye in the room from the staff and I bawled. They need us to just be patient and show happiness and go along. It's quite easy to do.

It seems like it would make for a much nicer visit for both of you if you let her tell you what is in her experience or imagination. You might feel like going to visit even more often if it would be an adventure to look forward to. What a bummer it would be to say, "No Grandma. You live in this boring convalescent home and the people you loved in your childhood are all dead."

My mom has Alzheimers and I have taken a number of caregiver support courses. You are doing the right thing. To correct them results in frustration, anger at themselves and sadness. If one doesn't like listening to their stories then the option is to distract them with an activity or tea/ice cream.

Don't call them on their stories though. At one time they knew what was happening to them in terms of losing their memory and they still might. It often becomes their only way of having a conversation and at some point they may lose that ability and then silence becomes the norm.

I think you're not only doing the right thing, but you may even be able to learn something about your grandma that really did occur in much younger years, that you never knew before. My step-grandfather who passed at 88, was lucky to have only progressed to the late stages of Alzheimer's in the last two years of his life. But his mind went back into the time of his late teens, I'd say, judging from our conversations.

The amazing thing was, we knew the stories he was relating to us were true, because he had younger siblings who confirmed that everything he was telling us were exact accounts of his life back then, that they all remembered. My grandmother had been widowed from my biological grandfather before I was even born. So her second husband was the only grandfather I'd ever known. But as he was already 65 when they married, even my mother never knew him as a younger man.

So it was actually lovely to hear him relay these amazing accounts of his life as a young man, prior to even marrying his first wife. Of course he was thinking he was speaking in the present time, but nevertheless, it was sweet to hear the excitement in his voice as he described all the wonderful things he 'was up to' that we knew actually had happened 7 decades ago!

One time after he'd just woken from a nap, he told me he had needed to rest because he had a big day ahead at the logging camp. Then he described what it was like working at the logging camp in Northern Quebec, and told stories of all his friends. We knew that indeed he had been a lumberjack for several years as a young man, but never really heard any details about it, until his wonderful accounts of those times came out, in his late stages of Alzheimer's.

It brought me even closer to him before he passed, as I felt I'd gotten a rare chance to know him as a 20 year old, (my own age at the time!) and see his life as he had seen it, 70 years earlier! Best wishes for you to have many more wonderful conversations with your Grandma, because regardless of how factual they are, you are still spending time with her, which is something you'll never regret!

I always wonder at the people who insist on correcting and get angry with the person who has dementia. Don't they, or why won't they, understand that the victim simply can't?

Thanks to all who have related their inspiring experiences with Alzheimer's patients.

DH and recently watched the movie "Iris". It's based on a true story written by a man (played by Jim Broadbent) who married a brilliant woman author (Judi Dench), famed for her precise use of language. The story goes back and forth between scenes of their early years and her descent into Alzheimer's. He cares for her at home until he is exhausted. When she needs constant surveillance, she goes into a nursing home.

My hairdresser's mother has dementia and has been in a home for two and half years. Physically, she is very healthy. She could live another twenty years. The family doesn't know how they will be able to finance that. It's $60,000 a year for a semi-private room at the nice facility she is in. Can anyone comment on how their family coped with the financial end of this problem?

I wouldn't cause her more problems, let her enjoy the stories she's telling. No harm in letting her believe them.

Ah, it is quite expensive! My FIL was a retired Colonel from the Army and was eligible to be in the Veterans Home. It still cost thousands per month more than his retirement. All of the kids just paid the difference.

My Mom was on social security by the time she got it so she was eligible for Medicaid. My husband and I bought the house she lived in and she had very equity. She never worked so she got half of my Dad's ss and my Dad lost his pension when the company he worked for went belly up. He used to say he'd be worth more dead than alive but that wasn't the case. My sibs and I paid for all her clothes, she was a beautiful woman even when old and dressed like she was going out every day. We washed them and pampered her like she did us one time. She lacked for nothing. Funny thing, I was at my salon and my sister dropped her off to get her bi weekly hairdo and also said "I put Mom's clothes in your car, they're in a green plastic bag. Fast forward to leaving and I had two trash bags of towels that I was delivering to Salvation Army and I accidentally left all three. Yikes, when I discovered my error, my sister told me all my Moms jewelry was there as she brought it home to polish. My husband and I took off to see if we could recover it. Nada, the towels were packed and shipped. I won't go in to the rest but I felt like a ten year old child who had to fess up to a naughty thing lol. I warned her she might get upset and she said " I would never get upset with you" (not sure she knew me that day) and she didn't but, for the rest of her life when she was dressing for the day, she would request one of the items from the GONE bag and one of my sibs would say, sorry Mom and she would relive the whole scene again and again. It was sad. I have to add that I took her to Johnny Appleseed to purchase new clothes plus we bought all new jewelry, she still wanted the old stuff. Their minds are amazing in what they CAN do. She had an incredible voice and had her own radio show. They had a pub where the patients were allowed to have one drink if dr. allowed and they gathered and chatted so one of the times, I said, "want to hear me sing" They all stared. I started singing one of my Mom's songs and she joined in, I backed off and harmonized with tears streaming down my face. To the very end she would ask one of the team if she could sing at the party downstairs and she sang every single week. One of us went to see every performance and taped them. Gosh I miss her so much. Sniff, sniff.

I wouldn't confuse her more than she already is. If she believes this stuff happened at a different time, let it be. I would do the same as you.

To clarify, Medicare is not the same as Medicaid. Medicaid varies from state to state, but is tied to very low income. Medicare does not cover nursing homes, except short term for rehab.

You are right and your relatives are wrong. She is living in a different time. Everyone should just go along with her stories. The constant questions from well-meaning people to find out how bad their memory is are also frustrating. My sister does this even though I've begged her not to. She quizzes my dad on things like his parents' names, our mom's name, etc. Someone with Alzheimer's is likely living in a different time. and maybe they are imagining things, but correcting them doesn't help. Your relatives need to understand that short term memory is the first to go and that grandma won't even remember them correcting her, but while they do it, it is frustrating to her because her story is real to her. What does it hurt to just let her tell it? In my case, I actually try to get my dad to talk about the past. We can't have a conversation in the present because he literally can't remember something I said to him less than a minute ago.

When my dad first started showing symptoms I did the same thing as your relatives. Sometimes I'd even almost argue with Dad. Then I went to a presentation by an Alzheimer's nurse for family members of Alzheimer's patients. Now I just play along, no matter how outrageous the story. For a while, Dad thought that he was back in the Air Force and was living in the barracks. He opened his closet and determined that he could wear his khaki slacks as his everyday uniform but was worried that he didn't have any dress blues. I told him they were held up in shipping but would be there soon. There have been many other similar situations. To make the make easier on him and upset him as little as possible when we transferred him to a different facility, we told him that he had orders to go to a different base. Staff in both facilities were told in the lead-up to the move what to say to keep the charade up.

My mom is on a wait list for a memory care facility which is private and there are no government subsidized memory care facilities where we live. It will be about 2-3 months.

In order for mom to qualify for government care facilities she has to require nursing care which she currently doesn't require. Alzheimers is not classified as a nursing care condition and so private care is our only option. (unless she lives with one of us which isn't happening for a number of reasons) Government subsidized care would be about $3000/month while private care will be about $8000/month.

She has her pension, my dads pension, CPP (Canada Pension) and OAS (Old Age Security), some investments and the proceeds from the sale of her house. She is 87 and if she lives another 10 years we'll be ok. Beyond that hopefully she will require nursing care (sad to say) and then she can move into gov't subsidized care and that fee is based on her pensions incomes only.

There are also very limited day programs for Alzheimers patients and they all have wait lists. With the aging baby boomers this problem is only going to get worse. The medical system can keep our bodies alive with drugs and our bodies moving with joint replacements, rehab and nutrition but they can't do anything to keep our minds from deteriorating (so far). There's a day of reckoning coming with this problem.

ETA - kittiemom reminded me that one of the things we were taught in one of the courses that I took was that it is ok to "lie" to the one with Alzheimers and to put things in a context that they will understand. What kittiemom did is what Alzheimers experts recommend.

I heard canada isn't prepared for handling Alzheimers patients and many will go out of country to another country that has care. I read where a husband whose wife got alzhemirs and he built a beautiful facility over seas and they had one to one care for each patient. It was awesome what he built from love for his wife. I wish more were out there, now don't know the cost or if covered being overseas but elderly deserve wonderful loving care. I don't like the idea of lock up and patients beating on each other. And their love one seeing bruises, etc. on them. I read where in Holland they have like an area they live and they walk around free there are no restraints and its like living in their own village with all there and I love that idea as maybe all this lock ups and tying down and not letting them walk freely and be they might be more not frustrated as they are now. I heard that they have found out like music is so calming to them and I can believe that as in those days especially they went to churches and hymns are what they remember fully and can sing it all. That would be neat to hear those kinds of stories and relive it with them and they just get more angry and abusive to anyone when forced to live in this world today they don't know or remember about. I know many find it extremely hard when they don't know who they are and that would be hurtful your own loved one or parent don't know you. Some do pictures and someone suggest you do that copy them as they will destroy and rip up and so this way the original ones are kept safe with you. Maybe bring in pictures if you have them of their young lives growing up and their relative and parents and siblings, school? And see what they say and if there is a connection and that would be neat to hear stories of those long ago days and live through their eyes as they think they are in that time frame. But then you got to have everyone go along with that

and that would be hard, nursing staff, family, relatives and even if you have kids your own kids, that is alot and then others where they live too and so don't know how that can be worked out.

We do need alot of help in all of this especially they say people in this day and age are going to be as young as 30 and up having this. Who will look after who if we end with lots coming down with this dementia/alzhemirs?

I'm glad to read everyone here knows that the best thing to do is agree with the patient, not make her/him anxious with "the truth." As one poster said, what does it hurt? It's not like the person's memory is going to improve. Kittie, I love how you dealt with your dad. :)

It's my understanding that if the senior citizen needing an assisted-living home can spend down assets to a couple of thousand, a place will be paid for with government funds. Granted, it may not be a place family members want, but there will be a place. Perhaps you can check on that, Chisue, as I have to leave now. (This was my mother's friend's situation ten or so years ago.)

Kathleen, they have to be locked up because they are unaware of their surroundings and easily frightened and confused. Often those that escape their caregivers and go missing are found victims of a fatal accident, like falling, drowning or being hit by vehicles.

My husband's uncle was cared for by his wife in their home. She just couldn't bear to place him in a facility away from his home. One night at 3 am, while she was sleeping he got into the car and drove the wrong way on a busy freeway, eventually crashing head-on into another motorist and killing both himself and the other driver.

I have to admit that your dreamlike vision sounds wonderful, but that is not the reality of this disease.

One of the things that I learned many years ago was eye-opening. I had not clue about the situation until it was explained to me.

In a forward thinking nursing home, they made a change in the color of the floor tile at the end of the dementia neighborhood. It became black. Many (not all) of those people had a tendency to wander (or elope) and the color of the tile reduced that. The folks with dementia would see that blackness on the floor and they didn't know what was happening. It seems that they believe that they would be stepping off into nothingness, a black hole as it were. I saw several of the folks just stand there, look down and not know what to do. Eventually, a staff person (could be dietary, maintenance, someone from admin or nursing) would see the confusion and get that person turned around. That was all it took.

Some folks with dementia needed to be on a secure neighborhood. Their wandering was more pronounced. Their conditions were sorta neat, one continued to knit perfectly, but she had no sense of place. Another one did some awesome coloring, never once going outside the lines, but she had to be coaxed to put food in her mouth.

And remember, not all dementias are Alzheimer's. There are others; however Alzheimer's is the one most people associate with dementia.

It seems that they believe that they would be stepping off into nothingness, a black hole as it were.

I'm thinking a simple locked dementia unit would be more humane than confusing and scaring them.

Kittie, wow, your right about the quizzes as everyone does that to her. Doctors included.

I can honestly say she can't remember anything, anyone or any time. Her stories seem to be a figment of her imagination although she usually will say Edwin (her deceased husband).

A couple years ago the only thing she would constantly ask is: what time is it & what's the weather like. But she no longer asks any questions.

When asking her questions, she will either recall an incident that may or may not have happened, but her usual response is "I don't know, I'm too dumb".

It breaks my heart hoe she always feels dumb. The only up-side is she won't remember she felt dumb 1 minute ago.

Ont, what you said makes sense to me. She doesn't know me because I wasn't even born when she recalls stories from the past. Wow! An ahh-haa moment for me.

One thing she does that nobody mentioned is that she always carries her purse in the house or wherever she goes. She will forget to put her teeth in & forget to put pants on, but she always has her purse.

She is obsessed with that purse and mostly says "where's my purse"? Even when it's on her arm.

I was a hairdresser in a nursing home for a period of time and what I saw with dementia patients over and over was that their children were "familiar" to them, but because they were living (in their minds) long before their children were born, the children became their siblings. They knew that they knew them, but over and over I saw them relate to and call them by their sibling's names. They'd tell stories about their lives and their siblings, but few would relate stories about their children.

I'm so curious about this. Why would people's minds go back 70+ years to their families of origin, yet completely block out things 50+ years ago that would include their spouse and children? I guess it speaks to the power and influence of our early lives, in our formative years. That's who we are and how we've become that person. All that comes later seems to be extraneous.

http://www.alz.org/living_with_alzheimers_social_security_disability.asp

I don't know if it's right/wrong, but I too always played along. Seemed to put my grandmother at ease. I really didn't like that others would "argue" or "fight" with her, trying to get her to see how wrong she was about who, what, where, and when things were. I guess we all have our own way of dealing with it? You're not alone!

Just a note and something I find interesting - a friend is dealing with a mother with increasing dementia. She's observed her mother has 'lost' the names of people she loves in the order they came into her life. Mom sees her grandchildren are friendly caring young people but she doesn't know their relationship. The sons in law next. She now knows my friends husband is a kind man who drinks scotch, likes ice cream, she is happy to see him, will offer him a cocktail of scotch or join him for ice cream, but she doesn't know his name. Most recently its the youngest daughter. As the oldest daughter, my friend knows she's next ;0) And they treat the circumstance very casually, and respond to the 'I don't know you' with That's OK, because I know and love you so everything is alright.

Hospice nurse told me, firmly, to ad-lib, play along, whatever.

not under any circumstances was I to try to make her "see reality".

What she was seeing or experiencing *was* her reality;

denying it or arguing about it only agitated her.

about that locking up/wandering off thing...

I used to go to church with Bob & Flo, who were a very devoted couple;

then I moved & lost touch, never saw them again.

One day I ran into another church friend who told me:

When Flo developed Alzheimer's, Bob promised her he'd never put her in a nursing home.

He retired to take care of her.

By this time, Flo was in one bedroom & Bob in another, since Flo sometimes didn't sleep at night.

Late one winter night, a cold breeze woke Bob up.

He found the front door standing open, & Flo was gone.

He threw on his robe & ran out the door, just as a Dallas Police car drove by slowly...with Flo, in her nightgown, barefooted, in the back seat.

Bob waved them down, & when Flo saw him, she started to cry.

She begged the police not to make her "go in that house with that man".

They had been married over 50 years.

It is a very cruel disease.

I had a family member who had a solid case of dementia for their last 5 years or so of life, and certainly a slide into that state for several years preceding those. I thought of it as just an out of sync and slow staging of death, because the person's mental processes ceased to function and it was just a matter of time before their physical body did the same.

Loving care and compassion to keep the person comfortable and safe is about the best that can be hoped for. The person known to others pre-illness has checked out and is gone, as far as I'm concerned, and while visiting may be comforting to those still living, I'm not sure the elderly patient much knows or cares about what goes on around them. This particular person didn't recognize spouse or family members so while it provided some social contact, it was clear they didn't know who they were talking to.

It may be harder for family and friends to accept than the patient, who of course has no choice. It's a very sad and unfortunate predicament to be in.

Olychick -- A memory is reinforced each time it is recalled. It may be that our oldest memories, having been 'refreshed' the most, over the longest time, are the last to fade.

Pawprint -- My hairdresser's mother also needs to have her purse in sight all the time. She accuses others in the home of stealing her purse. She and her DH had five daughters. He and the girls, and their families, are all nearby and visit often. It's become too painful to take her out for lunch or just for a drive. She loves the activity, but wails when they bring her back instead of taking her 'home'. One granddaughter works as an aide in the home when she is home from nursing school. Grandma calls her by her eldest daughter's name. She is also convinced that her DH "has a ladyfriend".