30. Right?

My parents rule was no dating until 16. That was all well and good for my brothers. But when my oldest sister hit 16,they started adding all sorts of conditions. (Your grades have to be this, we have to meet him AND his parents before you go out, HIS grades have to be this, he has to be catholic, one of his parents AND one of our parents have to go on the dates with us,etc.) It was absurd. But I daresay it accomplished their goal. Neither me nor either of my sisters dated anyone until we were adults. I was 20. Oldest sis was 19. Other older sister was 21. (None of us ended up with a nice catholic boy btw) Fourteen is a little young I think. Of course,I have no reference either. What the heck does a dating relationship between two people so young really consist of? I guess,like you observed, pretending to be adults. I remember being in 4th grade and one of my friends was caught up in a teeny bopper love triangle. Two little boys got in a fistfight by the swings on the playground over her. Ridiculous. However, I noticed most of my friends started dating around 15 or 16,with mixed results. Some took it for what it was worth,some took it waaaay to seriously. Then their was my one friend who got pregnant at 15 by her "boyfriend." And then there is the one couple in my class who started dating at 13, and are happily married with 4 children today,none of them conceived before their marriage.I think it really depends on the individual child. Most parents know when their kids are mature enough to start dating, and are smart enough to set reasonable boundaries for them.

I recently read a book called "Untangled" by Lisa Damour. It is a parents guide for helping girls make it through those tough teenage years. There is a whole chapter on dating and she talks about how much of the "dating" at an early age is just a social designation within a group and often the two that are dating, don't even speak to each other let alone touch (I remember this from my own early teen years). It doesn't sound like this is the case with the couple you saw cuddling, but something to keep in mind when/if your daughters come home and say they are "dating" someone.

I'm raising my fourth teen now and also work in middle and high schools.

In middle school, many kids in my kids' school start "going out", which means they call each other boyfriend and girlfriend but not that they actually go anywhere together. Only one of mine did this. She only saw the young man at chaperoned dances outside of school, and at school, beginning in in 8th grade, but they still called it "going out".

In my work, I see a few pregnant middle schoolers, so I know that for some of these kids, "going out" means more than a couple of chaperoned dances. There are sexual assaults and consensual sexual experiences daily in the schools where I work, so the fact that kids only see each other at school isn't the same as never being alone together :(

My other two DDs had boyfriends starting in 10th and 11th grades who they went to movies, etc. with. These young men spent time with my DDs and with the whole family at home as well as on outings, even camping trips and holiday travel. Now they are all in college and some of their boyfriends we have loved and some we have really not enjoyed much and a couple I have mentally dismembered a few times.

My son has been told no dating until 15 but he says he will "have to" get a girlfriend in 8th grade just to cut down on the number of girls who try to talk to him in the halls. Oh, the ego of the 13 year old boy...

My heart goes out to other parents who have yet to ride the roller coaster of teen relationships with their dear children. It's not for the faint of heart.

I had my first "serious" boyfriend in ninth grade. Dated him for most of ninth grade.

Had a different boyfriend in 10th grade, one in 11th through the beginning of 12th, and then another the last part of 12th.

These were actual dating relationships, going out in cars, etc. The boys were all older than me by at least a year or two. We never got into any trouble, though, even though my 10th grade boyfriend and I slept over at each other's houses all the time (our families knew each other pretty well).

The rule for my kids is to not start dating until college, and very s-l-o-w-l-y when that begins. Dating in high school is little more than a flirtation with sexual temptation years before they are prepared to consider someone a prospective husband or wife. But of course, I'm a dinosaur who actually believes kids will live up to (or down to) the standards we set for them.

When young people begin "dating"/going with/having a "boyfriend" is really out of parental control. These students do what is done in their world. They may hide it from you until YOUR designated time, but do not be fooled. What those words mean is as vast as the differences as the young people involved. In the high school where I work I can only wish these things of parents:

#1 DO have that talk and let your kids know your standards.

#2 HAVE STANDARDS. Do not give your child permission to play adult before you and they are ready to deal with the consequences. Most of the physical consequences of sex can be managed..the assault to the psyche and heart cannot. Do not be fooled, and do not give permission or encouragement. Guard these young people as precious and FRAGILE!!

#3 The sooner they "date" the sooner they are having sex.

#4 DO NOT give these CHILDHOOD dalliances the support you would give a 20 something who is ENGAGED. That means NO FAMILY vacations/reunions/formal photos buddy buddy with the other's parents. Give them room to move in and OUT of these relationships. Parents who give them too much weight trap kids..the stakes at breaking up become TOO HIGH.

#5 Do not give undue credence to these relationships. PUBLIC DISPLAYS OF AFFECTION are not cute..they are distasteful and young people need to be told to keep their hands to themselves in front of on lookers. NO ONE wants to see that!!

The drama many of these young people get caught up in when "dating" TOO YOUNG is stifling to their futures. Instead of attending to their education they often become hyper focused on their "love life". Phyllis Shafley died yesterday. For all her ground breaking for women she would be appalled at how young girls become entrapped/obsessed/controlled by relationships these days.

My first boyfriend was in grade 6 and I nicknamed him the lizard because he had a horribly long tongue. I was very nerdy and my next boyfriend didn't come until grade 8, then grade 12 I think was my first really serious relationship. In between I was chatting, calling, meeting and making out with guys from the Internet. My poor parents!

MY DD's are now 27 and 29. When they were in middle school and high school, they ran in "packs." There was no boy ringing the door bell, escorting them to the car, and going on an actual date.

When in college, boyfriends were introduced to us either at college or at home.

I think each child is different. My parents did not restrict us with rules.

If a child shows interest at 14, I think you need to set up the parameters. Teens are difficult. They will find ways to do things when they really want to.

I was 14 when I had my first boyfriend-I broke up with him for trying to get to past just kissing me. My girls were around 17 when they started dating, but they had boy friends-not solo hanging out or dating. My son started having girlfriends around that same age-before that he was too in to skateboarding to pay attention to the girls hanging around him and his friends. They actually had an aversion to the young girls-11 to 14 who tried to get the attention of the older boys in high school. My stepson was 'dating' much younger, probably 13, but his mother allowed him to do whatever he wanted. He was 17 when one of his girlfriends drove up to where we live (3 hours away) and she tried to spend the night with him but we put our feet down and said absolutely not and called her parents (who were ok with it) so they could put her up in a hotel.

ETA: I had always been very frank with my kids about hormones and sexual attraction. Once I knew they were getting interested in the opposite sex, I discussed birth control and date rape. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done but it was one of the best things I've ever done. I talked to my son about how it is for girls, and how he should never, ever pressure a girl-and to the girls about how they may think giving in to a boy is what is going to keep him, it's just not worth it. I think they really appreciated the talk, I even told them that if they ever felt they were going to be sexually active, I would take them to the doctor for BC, or if they didn't want to tell me, I gave them the number for Planned Parenthood. I was quite clear that i didn't condone sex between teenagers, but I was also pragmatic and knew it could happen. They never came to me directly, but I know they used BC. I found condoms in my son's room when he was 17, and it was a mixed emotion for me!

We were always taught the purpose of dating was to help dicern a spouse. None of us ended up dating in HS, some during/some after college, although my parents never put an age/arbitrary limit on it. This was in the early 2000's.

My experience is similar to MtnRd with my kids. They go to a small private school and have been there since kindergarten. My two high schoolers went on to the affiliated h.s. where they were exposed to some new kids, but probably 3/4 of the kids were ones they've known since elem school. My 17 y/o has had one brief boyfriend when she was 15 but has no desire to date anyone again in h.s. as now one interests her in that small pool. My 15 y/o ds has only recently become interested in girls. Like Mtnrd stated, the inability to drive really affects social lives. My son is very active in sports and has very limited time off. His Friday nights are spent on a football field (required attendance). There are some parties apparently among his peers but he hasn't been to any. Any socializing he does with girls is in large groups with adults present, and typically in daytime. For instance, on Saturday during the afternoon, he went to a college football game here in our town with a group of girls/boys. Occasionally over the summer, during the day, he went to the community pool or pool at someone's house (adults present) with a small mixed group of kids. While a few of his friends have "serious" girlfriends who spend time at each other's houses, with parents' home, that is not something I would ever encourage at this age. Fortunately, with a house not so big, and several siblings, it is doubtful they would ever want to bring a date here if it ever came to that.

I dated quite a bit in h.s. but didn't have a serious boyfriend until senior year. While I wouldn't encourage any of my kids to have a serious boy/girlfriend in h.s., I don't have a problem with casual dating, especially in groups which seems to be the case around here, at least until they start driving, then it gets trickier I imagine. I think h.s. is a good time to learn how to communicate with the opposite sex. I knew many boys (including my husband) who went to all-boys' high schools and were pretty clueless about how to talk and treat girls. Some were just downright immature in an annoying way, while others were just incredibly shy. I also think that if they start dating while living at home, it will give dh and me a chance to guide them appropriately especially if we see them making mistakes. But like I said earlier, I would not encourage a serious relationship by any means in h.s. I do wish my dd was more social with the boys at school (not necessarily dating though), but at the same time, I appreciate that w/o that distraction she can focus on her studies and applying to college this year.

Gosh, 14 is sooo young and IMO too young but I don't know the family and I didn't have girls.

We live in a pretty small neighbourhood with an elementary school of <300 (K-7) and a high school of <800 (8-12). Everyone knows everyone, including the parents and the parents talked, a lot. For the most part we tried to dissuade any dating. Was there some "dating" sure but not a whole lot. Kids were kept busy in sports, work, school and there wasn't a lot of time for coupling up. My kids and their friends were both boys and girls, a real mix and the same core group right from kindergarten. They socialized in groups, taking the bus to the show or hiking to the swimming hole or hanging out at parents homes.

In high school kids don't have cars because you don;t have a full license until you're 18 so you're either taking the bus or mom and dad are driving you for your date. How fun is that.

For my own kids, unless the girl skied and skied well, they weren't interested.

Mtn...speaking as someone who's been trying since 30 to have a kid, if they really want kids, 30 or even late 20s would be a good age to start. All those years of freaking out when I skipped a pill I needn't have bothered!

Fair point, Robo!

Yeah it's crazy how precipitously fertility drops off after 35. All the time I was focused on the opposite problem I never paid attention! Then you have to (well, would like to) track down a suitable partner first since single parenthood is so much work...let's just say there's more than one lady my age freaking out over the whole shebang.

I have teens and wish they would date! They're just busy and socialize in groups. I don't want their first time "dating" to be in college. I don't want their first time "anything" to be in college! I'd like to be able to provide some guidance and expectations (like, you don't do PDA esp at family functions) so they have a baseline of what should/should not occur in a relationship before they go off to college.

Thank you all for your thoughts. I don't know how I forgot, but my cousin (the teens mom) started dating her now husband when she was 12, and she married him at 18. So I guess early teen dating is the norm in her family.

Beagles, just curious, when you slept over your boyfriends house, were you required to be in separate rooms?

i hope my girls do not have a serious boyfriend until college--I want them to be free to focus on their own goals and dreams without having to consider a boyfriend. Right now my 6 year old may not even get married as she is not sure she wants to kiss on the lips at her wedding in front of people lol!

lol Furby!

We slept in the finished basement on separate futons at his house, and at my house I had a separate connected sitting room that he slept in.

We were friends for a while before we started dating and had sleepovers so it wasn't a big thing (almost all my close friends in high school were guys so mies gender sleepovers were very common). We did not engage in adult intimacy b/c our parents trusted us and we were basically good kids, probably in big part b/c our parents trusted us.

His parents worked ALL the time, so had we wanted to get into trouble, we would have had an empty house during the day to do it very easily, so it seemed like it would be kind of silly to keep us apart at night. We also lived about 50 minutes from each other (we went to private school so our houses were far apart) and it was preferable not to have him driving him home, or driving me home, after dark when we could just stay in one of our houses...

I don't want their first time "dating" to be in college. I don't want their first time "anything" to be in college!

Please clarify. Are you saying you hope your children become sexually active as minors?

BB...I think LisaD is saying if the dating/whatever was happening at an earlier age she should be around to give guidance or advice.

I'm glad neither of my kids are boy/girl crazy. I think they are gonna be late bloomers which is fine with me.

Kids had boyfriends/girlfriends in middle school. I was a very good kid, but if my parents had said not to, I would have anyway. I just wouldn't have told them.

Yes, that's what I mean, Always.

BBGalore, I don't believe any of my children will magically become smarter and more capable of handling this world, and relationships, the day they turn 18.

I think kids are on the average dating earlier now. I know I didn't start dating until I was in college, I agree with lolauren that kids will have a mind of their own, and just not tell parents. Much dating at that age will be just hanging out, although that's not always obviously going to be the case.

I find it interesting the wide diversity of experiences written about in this thread. I think this means not one shoe size fits all.

I was very very introverted, (still am, but we can leave off the "very"'s now). So I was intimidated by the dating scene, and besides it wasn't much talked about by my peers until I was in the last two years of high school. High school for me was all girls. So no real opportunity, either.

Oh, I did have one opp.. When I was 14 or 15, my parents boarded in a boy for the summer of my same age by his father's request. Looong story but never mind. He and I hit it off highly. We got along great with each other. I have no idea how well or often my parents watched us.

Nothing ever happened. On my end, I didn't want to ruin a great friendship with whatever sporadic hormones I was feeling -- introvert much? Why risk something fantastic.

It wasn't until some years later that I learned he later ran off to San Francisco, became a short order cook, and contracted AIDS. That would have been by then the early 80's. So I think he was also glad for that one summer of friendship where romance with someone of my gender was not expected, required, or anything pressured upon him. I seriously just wish I or he had been the type to keep up correspondence.

Since the subject of fertility was broached- I though you might enjoy this piece on the new Bridget Jones film. The author points out how unlikely it is to become pregnant accidentally at 43. http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/family/now-even-bridget-jones-is-perpetuating-the-great-fertility-lie/  

I hear a lot about kids having sex and related "activities" at younger and younger ages, but my actual experience (with my kids and my friends' kids) has been different. I guess I have late bloomers, and for that I am grateful! My first DS had a "girlfriend" (pretty much in name only) for about 2 weeks his senior year in high school, then they broke up. That was the sum total of his dating experience in HS. The summer before he went to college, he met a girl who was going to the same college he was going to attend. They fell in love fast and stayed together for about 6 months...then a couple years later he started seeing his current GF. They have been together for 2-3 years I think, but it's been on and off. It is not a good relationship in my eyes but he is 24 so he doesn't have to listen to me.

My second DS had his first relationship starting junior year in high school...they have now been together for 4 years! She is a great match for him and I won't be at all surprised if they eventually get married. They are both very logical and I know they will both have graduated from college and get settled in jobs first.

My DD will be 16 in Jan. and I'm pretty sure she thinks boys are idiots. Fine with me. I told her I'd like to see her go to the junior and senior prom, but she's not allowed to have a boyfriend until she's 25. (I am kidding. Sort of.) She has a ridiculously busy life so I don't think she even has time to ponder a relationship with a boy anyway.

On the other hand, I was making out with boys in the movie theater in junior high.

Sueb...you little hussy you ;-) Don't worry, we'll keep your secret LOL

I don't think things have changed all that much since I was young - and I'm 54 now. I do know that frank parent-child talks and disseminated information are more common now though. My niece is 14 and has had a couple of crushes and "hung out" with boys that she referred to as her boyfriend for a time, but she hasn't been on an actual date yet. I admire her nonchalant attitude about having a boyfriend, as in she's just as fine not having a boy who likes her in a romantic way. I had my first date at 14, and I was heavily chaperoned. The first boy I went out with was a year older than I and from a different school, and we dated for several months. Even though we were chaperoned, we still found ways to sneak off into dark places and make out. My parents set very high standards for me, and I was well aware of them. That did not, however, stop me from losing my virginity at 15-nearly-16 to another boy from my own school that I had strong feelings for during most of my high school years. We had sex a few more times, and I thank heaven that I didn't become pregnant. My parents found out about our intimacy by reading notes that had been passed in class, and crap really hit the fan. Because of my longing to please them and fear for what would happen if I "went all the way" again, I was not completely intimate again until I married for the first time at almost 20.

I was a very good girl, but the hormonal pull was stronger than my ability to maintain the standards set for me. I am quite sure I'm not unusual in that regard, and it somewhat amuses me when I hear parents basically say "it'll never happen" as regards their own children. You really can't make that claim.

Thanks Abby, interesting article!

I'm in the UK so not familiar with US school terminology, so forgive me using the English equivalent, lol!

DS (27 last month) was educated at a private (fee-paying) school from age 4. At 16 whilst in the upper school, he began dating a girl he had been in the same group of friends with since she joined the school at age 12. Soon after entering the school's sixth form they slept together at a party held at our house - they were both 16 and it was the first time for both of them. He told us about it next day. We were initially rather shocked, especially as he hadn't had a 'proper' girlfriend to go on dates with before, but had just hung around in a crowd of boys/girls.

They were very responsible - in fact even at that young age they were incredibly mature - and ensured she went in the pill. Rather than discouraging them and thus leading them to take risks having sex in unsavoury places - I had friends at that age who had sex under the pier - we gave permission, as did her mum and step-dad - for them to sleep in his room at our house when she stayed over.

They were both very academic - but her even more so - and their quite prestigious school had high expectations of them. One concern was that this relationship may have a detrimental effect on DS's educational prospects, but in fact the opposite was true. His GF encouraged him to work harder - he was initially only going to take 3 A levels, but with her encouragement he studied for a 4th - they were in a class of just three pupils for that subject!

Throughout the two years of sixth form they stayed together and ultimately came away with AAAA (her) and AAAB (him). We were incredibly proud.

At 18 she was offered a place at Oxford university (reading English) whilst he went to Sussex (reading philosophy), but none of us believed their relationship would last the three years of separation. However, most weekends he would drive up to her or she got the train down to him. They graduated in 2010 and bought a flat in London. Now, almost eleven years on they are still together. They haven't married and have no plans to. They have no kids either - just a cute pooch, lol! They have great careers and now live on the south coast of England in Brighton.

We couldn't be more proud of them both and are so pleased we didn't discourage their youthful relationship :)