So your husband thinks it's okay if they stay in your home? You two have to get on the same page on this. Don;t make reasons or excuses, just say no, because you are uncomfortable with it. If your husband really wants them there, then it's time for you to get a hotel room. And don't give reasons to his mother either. Say, "There are some lovely hotels nearby, and we will be happy to visit with you and get to know your friend. But it is not possible for you to stay with us."

Thank you sushipup1. I wanted some opinions from people that don't know either of us. I don't want to be unreasonable in this but dear God, it is uncomfortable. I just feel like I'm going to have to entertain every minute they are here. We will not be on vacation and we both work hard and I have several pets etc. my husband was really taken aback and could not believe that she would come here with the boyfriend he never even met, granted, she is in her mid 60s! But of course because it's his mother, he won't say anything. I feel like I am damned if I do damned if I don't. I'm damned if I give in because then I will be uncomfortable for a week including my weekend off, but if I say no then I am a bad guy and will feel guilty and he will hold it against me. I know everyone grew up differently, but I grew up with my parents telling me that when you get married, your spouse comes first. It seems like even though he is uncomfortable with them staying here as well, that he's not willing to say anything to her. His aunt, Who I am close to, was appalled that she would even ask to stay here with a man we never met. It's just a very uncomfortable situation and I appreciate any advice given because boy do I need it LOL

Well, if you really will be horribly stressed over this, then I agree with sushipup about the same page, no excuses etc. and I agree with you that it is your husband's job to manage this. However, count me on the some will suggest compromise side. Your excuses are poor (take the clothes into the bathroom, etc., etc.) and this is family. Your MIL lost a husband and she would like to introduce her new situation; and your life will be stressful? I think a neutral observer would fall on my side and you would appear unfavorably. On the other hand, your posts make it clear that you actually are already severely stressed over this. If you are on regular medical care, your stress level may already be known and accepted by all concerned and your husband can do his hotel duty without repercussions.

There really is no compromise here,unfortunately. Im like you. No kids and very private. I very much value my personal space and privacy. I dont like staying at other peoples homes either,not even immediate family.

I feel the same way when SO'S son decides he needs a place to stay for a while. I can honestly say that is the only thing we can never agree on,because it really is only yes or no. We have had very nasty fights over it. We currently live in a small, one bathroom house while we are waiting for the work on our new house to be completed. It is EXTREMELY uncomfortable for me to share a bathroom with him. I usually hole up in the bedroom for the most part when he's there,unless SO is there too,and sometimes even then. I hate having to get dressed to walk down the hall to take a bath,and then get dressed again to walk back from the bathroom to the bedroom.And even though that it is his father's house as well as mine,I feel like there is an invader there. SO doesn't want him there either really,but does not want him out on the street. Me,I don't care, he's grown and the only reason he can't provide for himself is because he's a lazy loser. And creepy.

But if it was just for one week,I would probably just suck it up. I would hate hate hate it the whole time,but for one week, to avoid causing stress in my relationship, I would do it. If he does something out of line,or would be up to SO to kick him out.

Maybe you could agree on that. You could sacrifice your comfort for a short time,but if it becomes unbearable,DH should agree to ask them to go to a hotel. You are absolutely correct in your thinking that it is his responsibility to handle this. But, I mean,closing the bathroom door and stuff like that isn't such a terrible thing to endure for a mere week. It's going to be an awkward situation whether he tells them no beforehand,if they stay the whole time at your house,or if they are asked to leave halfway through the visit. I am sorry you are going through this.

I can remember once,when SOs son was staying with us,I woke up to go to work(at 3pm I work nights), and he was sleeping on the living room floor,surrounded by empty chip bags and snack wrappers, and there was a sock hanging on the ceiling fan. The ceiling fan. On the ceiling. How do you even get a sock up there? Or better yet....why? I bit my tongue, went to go get ready,and found that several bottles of my bath and body works lotion was missing from the bathroom closet. SO later found them in sons room. Ick. Ick. Ick. NO I DO NOT WANT THEM BACK!!!!!!

Now that I think of it every time my home is invaded,I am irritated the whole time,and SO knows it,and knows why. So, as a result, he seems more inclined to bring home little gifts, do more around the house and otherwise give in to me on everything else for a while..........

You say this is something that DH will hold against you in the future. Is it the same the other way around? If you have to give up a week of comfort,is it something you would hold on to and resent him for,even when it's over? Or will you just be uncomfortable, then hugely relieved when it's over,and move on? If not the former,and you are just worried about the weird out factor, I would just suck it up and bear it,or try anyway. Again,I sympathize. :(

Chaos, while I understand what you are saying and know that I am the one that said I wanted unbiased comments, I did not get into the whole story for time purposes. My mother-in-law hurt me and betrayed me in a very sneaky way A few years years ago. I loved her and felt blessed and happy she was in my life. Then she did something so awful to me that most people probably would not speak to her again. I think that alone would end it for most people, however, I am always nice to her when I speak to her on the phone or when we see her. I've never been a grudge holder, but being that she was someone I loved and cared for very much, the hurt will stay with me in my heart and my head forever, unfortunately. You mentioned her husband being dead, he is gone about 12 years now. Not that a timeframe matters, but it's not that it is a fresh wound to her. I do feel that One should compromise in a relationship, but the fact that she caused that problem in our relationship and my marriage is a big deal for me. My husband never really stood up for me, us when she was doing this until very late on. I think had he stood up to her, I would feel differently about the situation.

. And like Amy Lou, another poster, I'm not comfortable staying at other peoples homes either, and even if away with friends or for group events at a hotel, I always preferred to have my own room than stay with other people. I am social and have great relationships with people, but I always either lived alone or have been private and very regimented.

Honestly, if it was just my mother-in-law, I wouldn't be making as big a deal of it. I wouldnt be happy about it but I wouldn't make that big a deal of it, but I just cannot get past the fact of a man I dont know staying in my home for a week. Having to entertain him and feel like I cannot be comfortable in my own home is not something I look forward to. This may not be understand it by everyone, but I am heavy into animal rescue and I have two newly rescue cats in my spare bedroom. That is there safe haven, where they spend all their time and where they feel safe and comfortable. What am I going to do with them if they stay in that room? I know some people think humans are more important than pets, but i'm not always one of them. My pets are my family and they live here and come first.

I truly do thank you for your comment. I did not want to get into what my mother-in-law did in the past, but I felt like I had to mention it to make this a little bit more clear. So unfortunately there are several reasons I am uncomfortable with this. I know she hurt me in the past and that will always stick with me, the animals are a big issue, being uncomfortable in my own house is a big issue as well, but the biggest thing is having a strange man staying in my home. I just don't like it.

Thank you.

i know how you feel. i value my privacy, and wouldn't like a stranger staying with me, either.

Have you told your husband how you feel, and your reasons?

You are not being unreasonable at all, so please don't add stress by being hard on yourself for feeling the way you do.

The fact that your MIL apparently hurt and betrayed you only adds to the problem. It's like inviting the enemy into your camp! You've done wonderfully in not making this into a feud, but when it comes to having her in the sanctity of your own home, I can see why you're not thrilled with the prospect!

I would offer a compromise and offer that they can stay for the weekend, and that's only if you think you and your husband can handle it. You're both private and busy and have the rescues, which is understandable.

No one is a bad person for not providing free lodging!

I totally get that entertaining stay-over guests is stressful, so I hope you can work this out.

I think sushipup is spot on. Have YOUR HUSBAND talk to them and suggest local hotels. I would not want people (even family) home all day when I am at work, much less a person you don't really know.

Thank you all for your replies. I guess it could be worse. One of my friends husbands family comes to stay with them and they take over her house! Sleep on the couch, the spare rooms, food and clothes all over etc. I'm very neat and tidy and would probably have a nervous breakdown LOL.

And yes I have tried to talk to my husband about this. At first he was very upset and could not believe his mother would even ask to bring a man that he doesn't know into our house with her. For some reason I think that would be hard on the man, to see his mother with a new man, especially in his home! But of course he doesn't want to say anything to her and likes to tell me I am whining and complaining. Sadly I'm sure he will leave me to be the bad guy. I will update you all and please, pray for me LOL

But of course he doesn't want to say anything to her and likes to tell me I am whining and complaining. Sadly I'm sure he will leave me to be the bad guy. I will update you all and please, pray for me LOL

******

I'm sorry to read that your husband treats you abusively. If it comes down to you being the 'bad guy', so be it. It is your home, too.

I'll take a different direction here. Let me say up front that you clearly are completely overwrought about them staying, so I agree with others that different arrangements should be made. AND that your husband should be the one to communicate it to his mother, as long as you trust him to not diss you to her and blame it all on you.

However - you're all over the place in your reasoning. At various points you blame it on one thing and then another.

1) You're uncomfortable that it's a man you don't know

2) His mother was cruel to you and you've never forgotten it and are uncomfortable around her

3) But you'd probably be better with the visit if it were just her

4) Then it's the rescue cats (I completely understand that)

5) It's because you don't want to have to get dressed to go into and out of the shower (bathrobe?)

6) It's a new man in your MIL's life and you're thinking that your husband will certainly be uncomfortable with that

7) You're concerned about this guy's morals

8, 9, 10, and so forth - - - -

Get the idea? You keep focusing on different things; it makes it seem like you're trying to justify. What is the real reason? If it's just that you don't like having company overnight, then that's fine! Nothing wrong with that. But don't keep searching for excuses.

Perhaps you and your husband should suggest that you two go visit your MIL where she lives, instead. And stay in a hotel.

Good luck!

Suzie, all the reasons are true and bothersome to me. My first msg didn't want to get into all the reasons, but they all bother me. I don't know the man, she did something awful to me, I don't know what I'll do with my pets that stay in that room and I'll be uncomfy in my own home. And yes I do object to the visit as a whole , but it is indeed worse bringing along someone we don't know! Thank you for your words i do appreciate all perspectives :)

chloenkitty

Suzie, all the reasons are true and bothersome to me. My first msg didn't want to get into all the reasons, but they all bother me.

******

I find your reason to be, in fact, reasons (and very relatable), not excuses. You might need to give yourself permission to act upon them, even if you have to be the "heavy".

I think as women, we're taught to be always the hostess with the mostess, polite and passive. But hells bells, we should be taught to listen to our gut!

And set boundaries, and insist they be respected.

You don't need a lot of reasons -- the whole idea makes you uncomfortable and you don't want to do it. Does your Mil have email? Maybe you can let her know that way, since your husband won't tell her.

I totally agree with cacocobird, mimipadv, sushipup1 and tackykat.

This is what we would do, tell her.... we are looking forward to your visit and meeting your new SO BUT we know you both would be much more comfortable in a hotel and we have made reservations for you, the stay is on us.

Then give them a list of things to do and see during the day and meet or have them over for supper in the evenings.

I want to thank everyone for their comments and advice, I truly do appreciate it. Unfortunately my husband and I have not spoken all week because of this and are sleeping in separate rooms. Isn't that a shame? What is one to do when they're spouse speaks to them disrespectfully? I was never one to stop talking to someone but my husband can go on like that forever. I don't want to run to counseling because otherwise we have a good relationship but my biggest complaint about him is that he is disrespectful and coldhearted when it comes to my feelings and thinks nothing of calling me names, talking to me terribly or not talking to me at all when something like this comes up. How does a person get someone else to stop doing that? What kind of action are you supposed to take? I don't mean threats or something so drastic is that, but seriously, how is someone supposed to handle it when they don't like the way they are treated?

If your husband won't go into therapy with you, please, please, go alone. If you don't know why you absolutely should go alone AND together, all the more reason to seek professional help and support.

No one deserves to be treated punitively, callously and cruelly.

My ex husband was like that -- verbally abusive, nasty. i left, and it was one of the best decisions i ever made. Going to therapy is a good idea, to clarify how you really feel and what you want in your life.

Seriously? This is how you handle it : you leave. You deserve better. I would not put up with that for one minute. How can you say you have a good relationship when he treats you so disrespectfully, sorry that is NOT a "good" relationship.

what ingeorgia said.

Take care of yourself.

I wish you the best.

Emotional abuse is as difficult to deal with as physical abuse. Do you want the rest of your life to be like this?

Here's another idea -- they could come visit, and you could stay in a hotel for the week. That might even be fun.

I'm so glad to hear that some other people feel as I do - uncomfortable being a house guest and having house guests. I just like my own space like being able to sit around in my undies if I want to, etc.

I would just butch up and tell everybody involved that you are looking forward to seeing them but not comfortable with this arrangement - no excuses for them to shoot down. Sometimes you just have to stand your ground, in a polite but very firm way. Go ahead and suggest hotel or motel arrangements for them. If money is an issue, your husband should offer to pay, which will be a subtle disincentive for future house guests. This is not just for a week; it is a precedent for further visits.

Last year I converted the "guest room" to a really big walk in closet/storage space. Took away the bed so it's not a dual purpose room - now when people want to stay, we have the perfect response.

Just the fact that this man is ok staying in YOUR home doesnt sit right with me. What kind of 60 year old man is ok staying with someone HE just met for the first time? My 25 year old son was meeting his girlfriends mother for the first time a few weeks back. The girlfriend wanted them to stay at the mothers house house for the weekend. My son said, maybe next time we can stay at your mothers, but for the first time meeting her, its not comfortable, i think we should stay at a hotel! THAT is what a man does! Not take a free ride for a week because its available! UGH! A 60+ year old man? NUTS! As for your husband, tell him to grow a pair! He's not speaking to you because he's afraid to upset mommy! HIS MOMMY is causing an issue in her sons marriage. Your husband needs to stand up to her and say, its causing problems, WE are not comfortable having someone we have just met for the first time staying with us for a week, MAYBE NEXT TIME! END OF STORY!

This is an easy one: if it make you uncomfortable, don't do it. As for being the bad guy and feeling guilty, those are emotions and thoughts inflicted either by you on yourself or by someone else in order to get what they want from you. Don't fall for it. Put your foot down and do what's best for you.

So often it's hard to maintain our individual perspective when we're living with another person.

We want the other person to be with us, we don't want conflict, etc.

Since husband has *not* got your back here, since he's *not* going to say no to his mother, & since you are a human being with a brain & a backbone & homestead/territory rights, email your mother-in-law & tell her that you just can't handle a "new" man in your home overnight & that she & her boyfriend must sleep at the XYZ Motel, where you've made reservations for them.

that you look forward to seeing her, can't wait, etc. As they say in the south, "slop on the sugar".

If husband throws a tantrum (which he obviously knows how to do), let him.

When we try to negotiate with a brat, we empower the brat.

I wish you the very best.

cloenkitty, I have been thinking about you and your situation. It really pains me for anyone to be in an abusive relationship. I hope you will seek counseling, any man who is disrespectful and coldhearted when it comes to your feelings and thinks
nothing of calling you names, talks to you terribly or does not talk to you
at all is abusive. You NEED counseling. No one deserves to be talked to and treated that way. Unless you get help, or leave, this is how you will be treated for the rest of your life, maybe even worse, unless he leaves you. Is this what you really want...

When did it become acceptable to nurture antisocial neuroses and disregard a spouse's desire to try to maintain relationships with extended family? Guess who will shoulder the blame if your husband is griefstruck that in the final years/decades of her life, his relationship with his mother deteriorated? Alternately, making his mother feel welcome, and being gracious in spite of past grievances, is the kind of thing that will only raise you up in his eyes. It's a week...suck it up. If something goes horribly awry, then use a hotel or a foreshortening of the visit as a plan B.

P.S. Your husband and you would probably both benefit from a brief stint of marital counseling, to learn tools about how to argue productively, and create satisfactory compromises, without taking cheap shots or hurling hurtful accusations that can't be taken back. From this outsider's perspective, it seems like there's mutual pigheadedness going on.

Will maybe his mother should have thought about that before she caused so much problems in our marriage! What about that? I was nothing but kind and lovely to her our entire relationship. I have some very severe health problems and I should be thought of first in a situation like this. I have gone above and beyond for his mother despite what she has done and I have always been kind to her even since then. However you are entitled to your opinion, but I do not think it is right to have a man that I don't know and she does not know very long come and stay at my house for a week. I did not know him well enough to be comfortable for him to be here when I am not home, snoring like a lumberjack and keeping me awake except you. I'm just not comfortable with it and that's that. after we meet him, if we feel comfortable with him and they are still together on the next trip then it would be something I would consider but without ever meeting this man, I'm sorry it doesn't work for me. and you mention my husband being grief stricken if something was to happen to his mother. My parents passed away and although my husband was there for me in a way, he's not very expressive in his feelings when it comes to empathy or compassion. Friends and acquaintances were more compassionate and reaching out to me when my parents died more than my husband did. I have nothing to feel bad about. I have always been very good to his mother despite her hurtful ways and betrayal of me.

as far as counseling, time will tell. This is the one and only problem my husband and I deal with. We don't have financial problems, we don't have children to fight over and we get along well besides when the subject comes up. Counseling? Perhaps. But picking up and leaving the house we just built and saved so long for and my marriage? I don't think so. Unless I was being mentally and physically abused so badly, I would not walk away from my house. It's never a good idea legally, I would make him move out to protect myself.

there is not one marriage out there that does not have issues. If everyone was to walk away from one problem in their marriage when the rest of it was good, everyone would be divorced.

I will not stand for his treatment of me and we had a long talk about it. I have not been well the past few weeks and have been off this subject for a while. I have a serious heart and lung disease and other physical ailments so I just have not felt well recently or had the energy.

well I do appreciate and am thankful to everyone, including you, for their comments, I do not feel in the wrong here. I do not want this man or anyone that I have never met in my home. Coming for a visit is fine, staying for a week and not knowing them is not fine. If I'm a horrible person, then so be it, it's just not who I am and I'm not comfortable with it. I am very good and kind person, I have spent most of my life rescuing animals and helping people so I don't think I'm so bad.

"Nurturing neuroses"???

Unwillingness to have a stranger, a man, spend a week in one's home does not a neurosis make.

In fact, calling a reasonable expectation for safety, privacy, & respect in one's own home "neurotic" sounds a lot like gaslighting, & blaming someone for another person's regrets at the end of his/her mother's life is emotional blackmail.

My mother-in-law stayed with us once before since she moved. I am not an unreasonable person and I love family. In fact if you all knew the entire story of what she did to me and my husband, it's surprising I would even speak to her let alone have her in my house. However, for the sake of my husband and myself even, I have been very nice to her and when I see her I bite my tongue and try to let it go for the moment but it will always be in my head and in my heart how she hurt me. I am normally not a grudge holder, but sometimes you just have to say enough is enough and stand up for yourself no matter what your relationship to the person is.

I understand that this is my husband's mother and I have tried to respect that but I'm sorry, I draw the line when she wants to bring a stranger in my home that she doesn't know very long and frankly was running around with other women on her. If she took him back, that's her business but to me that's not a very honest person so why would I want someone like that in my home?

Besides this stupid situation that has come into my life, my husband and I do get along. I absolutely 100% do not condone his coldness and the ridiculous way he speaks to me if something like this does not go his way. I partly blame his mother for this honestly because like him, she is cold and narcissistic. I know it sounds ridiculous to say that because in other ways he is a good man. Not making excuses for him, just stating the facts. I am not afraid to be alone or to move on if needed. I just do not like the fact that she is causing problems in my marriage where they're normally is none.

For now she has changed her plans and is not coming in. My hope is that by the time she decides to come in again she will not try to bring this man with her. If she does I will put my foot down with my husband and that will be that.

I am so grateful for all of your responses, if I like them or not. That is why I asked, to get responses from people who are not in the situation.

You guys are great on these boards and I love you all!

Frankly, I think it speaks to this gentleman's lack of boundaries, or understanding of boundaries, or even sense of decency and character, that he would entertain the notion of occupying his girlfriend's son's home for a week.

I would not accept that long of an offer to stay with a boyfriend's family that doesn't know me from Adam. I would entertain an overnight stay, maybe, but I would never agree to spend a week at someone's home whom I've never met. It's too much to impose, imo.

Its even weirder that this couple works and is out of the house all day, leaving MIL and Joe Whomever alone!

Ah, no. Just no!

A man with any decency would insist on not making himself a burden, which an entire week IS, save close family.

Even then...

For now she has changed her plans and is not coming in. My hope is that by the time she decides to come in again she will not try to bring this man with her. If she does I will put my foot down with my husband and that will be that.

****

Or maybe next time, MIL and BF will get a hotel room. I'm glad you have a reprieve for now!

Glad to read you are putting your foot down with your husband. Although it should be he whom is putting his foot down with his mother. He needs to grow a pair. I agree with others that say no, you do not have a good marriage. Love is not supposed to hurt. He does not respect you or your feelings. He is cognizant of your illnesses and still treats you disrespectfully and childishly adding to your stress. That is not good for your health. As others have stated, get some counseling. It may help your situation. Best of luck to you.

Glad to read you are putting your foot down with your husband. Although it should be he [who] is putting his foot down with his mother. He needs to grow a pair. I agree with others that say no, you do not have a good marriage.

It's grotesque how some women will elevate any insensitive action or emotional slight some other woman's husband makes to the level of abuse. Should Chloe take this toxic form of commiseration seriously, it costs nothing to those egging her on to view her husband as a jerk and her marriage as a failure.

Do I think a husband should be willing to put up reasonable boundaries to protect his wife from in-law acrimony? Yes. Learning to set those boundaries is really tough. I'm sure it would be the same if Chloe's parents were the ones creating acrimony...assuming she loves them and doesn't want them to feel unwelcome in her life.

I'm an optimist: after more than 20 years of marriage, and still happily in love with my husband, I believe happy outcomes are readily achievable. BUT, it does require a desire to make your spouse happy, a willingness to empathize with his perspective, and the humility to not have to "win" all the time. (I think most husbands would be happy with even 60/40 in their wives' favor.) In this instance, I suspect the husband's silent treatment was less about who wins, and more about what was at stake.

Chloe, I'm glad you view your husband as a good guy. Sounds like you have the maturity to stand up for a good thing. I wish you two success in learning how to negotiate to both get your needs met...it's part of the learning curve in every successful marriage.

BB Galore, totally disagree with your characterization as what this husband does as an "insensitive action or emotional slight". Far from it. You are so off the mark imho. Her husband knows her feelings and disregards them. Childishly does not talk to her about the subject at hand. "Disrespectful, coldhearted, calls her names, talks to me terribly or not at all, making me out to be the bad guy". Those are her words describing her husband. It isn't about winning, it is about treating your spouse whom you are supposed to love with respect and dignity, not hurting them. When your spouse has serious medical issues, it is especially cold on his part. Being a happily married wife of 35 years, I consider what cholenkitty has is not a good marriage. As stated, love is not supposed to hurt and perhaps counseling is what is needed to help.

Absolutely, ingeorgia. That type of abuse is insidious and pernicious, and the people who exact this type of cruelty are often chameleons, whom no one would ever expect has a mean bone in their body.

Alright everybody! I started this thread to ask for unbiased, non-judgemental opinions on the situation. I just wanted an outsiders view on if I was being fair or not in regards to my mother-in-law and a man I don't know coming to stay at our home. I appreciate every single one of your opinions and time, however, I did not want any name-calling or arguments to occur so let's consider this thread finished.

If I could close this thread I would but since I cannot, I am asking that it just be finished. I got some really good advice on here and I agree with mostly everyone and have taken everything quite seriously but let's close it down now since there is some name calling and some not so nice words being said. God knows there is enough mean this in this world, don't want anymore just because of this thread.

Thank you to you all, I truly appreciate it and I hope you all enjoy the rest of the summer :)

Amen, let's put it to bed for the poster's sake.