Perhaps reframe how you're viewing this remodel. A home remodel/addition represents your vision of your family's future. Focus on this--it's where you and your DH will continue to live and raise your family. It's hope, right there, all around you.

Thoughts are with you, Roarah.

My DH had a health scare a few years ago and what did I do - chose new colours for the rec room and started painting. My SIL was going through a very stressful time that affected my DH and what did I do - yep started painting the bedrooms. Perhaps that's why I'm supportive of you continuing with your reno.

And I do like lisad82's point about it being a part of your families future. I'm assuming that this problem would affect the entire family and it does provide a sense of hope for the future.

My thoughts are with you and your family.

Sending you much love and positive thoughts. Been there, done that. The best I can say is that the one thing I've learned to be true is that time does wonders for the heart-but it just takes so d@mned long to pass.

As noted before, you have received excellent advice. If I can add a couple more pieces-keep hydrated. You might not feel like eating, but if you don't keep yourself well hydrated you're just not going to function or think well. And keep a diary or notebook. Write down everything you learn, who you spoke with, dates and times even. Get phone numbers and email addresses and keep that book with you. It helps to keep control when you're feeling out of control.

Best wishes.

I have nothing new to add, just remember that we are in your corner thinking of you and hoping for the best. I'm so sorry that you and your family are experiencing this.

Roarah I am so sorry for your situation. Many years ago my family was in a similar waiting game with a medical issue and I still think of it as "the dark time". I remember my world became a dark and heavy place. You will get through this.

To handle life during that period I had to make lists for each day, this helped me remember to do the everyday tasks, including eating, showering, child care related items like what activity to do with two pre-k little ones. If i hadnt had the list to look at to see what to do next i would have fallen into a nether-time and start fretting.

But you have to have time to mentally process too! I am a big thinker while running and showering. During those times my mind scampered to all the "what ifs". Schedule time to fret.

Have someone to talk to. This person should listen a lot and talk very little. They need to be able to hear you and your support you. This is not your DH, he has his own stuff, this is an extra person for you to hear your crazy stuff in a no reprisal zone. Mine was my brother. I swear he listened for hours while I literally sobbed, I doubt anyone else ever saw me cry. He processed all the crazy with me so I could return home cleansed and ready.

Someone upthread mentioned, " giving it to god", this is something that helped me greatly eventually when I found the courage to do so.

In terms of your financial worry over the addition, take some comfort in knowing your house will be much more marketable IF you needed to sell it. If that is really worrying you, take the time to talk to a realtor or have one visit your house and get a new market analysis. Knowing that your investment was a good choice can at least help you feel you haven't thrown the money away.

I have been where you are with medical issues. We've just had an unexpected bump in the road ourselves this very week. When things seem hopeless or just more than you wanted to deal with on a daily basis, you have to Keep to your daily routine and do all the same things you know you have to do.......eventually that will help you adjust to the feelings of dread and worry because you will demonstrate to yourself that life continues. People can tell you that, but it is in the plowing on that you do adjust to the new reality. Things don't actually change----the way you feel about them changes. One of the Greek philosophers observed that your actions can change your feelings and indeed change your thinking. I know from my own life that is true. Your will is what drives your actions.....you have a very strong will and now it's time to put that into rough service.

Talking with a financial advisor about your / husband's disability insurance if that is likely to be needed can be helpful. Most policies have a three or six month waiting period and that can be difficult if there is no additional short term policy in place. If you are likely to need living expenses help during the waiting period, come up with a strategy before it is needed. I am not trying to pry and if I am overstepping g I apologize, but frequently the financial burden of illness is as harrowing as the medical issues. Get your ducks in a row for a worst case scenario. As a planner---which I know you to be from these forums---you will feel calmer if you have information and a plan.

Message me anytime if you want, I have insomnia!

I'm so sorry you are going through this Roarah. The waiting is the absolute worse. At least when you have answers, you will be able to make a plan of action. It's not easy. We have been hit hard with cancer in our families and it is of course hard on the affected individual, but it is also hard on the caregiver and other family members/friends. What helped me most were our very closest friends who I could talk to, who supported me/us, who picked up the slack at times we needed a bit of help (meals, mowing the yard, various little things), etc. I also have a strong faith and that helped. The support of our church family. Prayer.

I wish you the very best outcome to the situation!

Don't add feeling selfish to the mix! Being sick with worry about an ill loved one isn't selfish at all. It's entirely normal. Imagine if you weren't! Now that would be weird and something to worry about! Indeed, if your DH is sick, be prepared to be purposely selfish on occasion because it is imperative that you take care of yourself, esp. in a time like this. You are no good to him or your child if you haven't paid attention to how you are feeling yourself and taken care of yourself.

Be selfish!

Laura, I don't have any advice to add to the wisdom above. Goodness, I hope this group is here for a long, long time. I'm uplifted by the consideration and love that is conveyed here. I hope you are, too. I hope you feel loved and cared for.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I wish we could all take turns being there, in real life, for you during this time. My thoughts have returned to you and your situation since I read your post yesterday, as I tried to think of some wise words of my own. Just know that there will be a time that you are past this. It will be behind you. Not knowing is the worst. Just keep moving forward toward that time. Big hugs and kisses.

(((Roarah))), I have no advice for you because the advice above pretty much says it all. Please know you and your DH and whole family are in my fervent prayers.

I love you guys! Your experience, wisdom, kindness and let's not forget great decorating style amaze me!

my DH wants to continue as if nothing is different than before and believes in thinking all will be well till he is told otherwise while I have a habit of planning the funeral before the diagnosis is complete. At this point we know he has at least stage one invasive cancer but will not know more until after further surgery and he wants to go full steam ahead without doubts that it might be worse.

We have a great disability insurance and have less debt than savings at the moment so the immediate financial situation is under control. However, he is the family bread earner and I have not worked outside of the home in years and worry about my future earning potential compared to what we are accustom to earning. But I was planning to address this reality before anyway so now a little career training might be good as a distraction too.

i thank you all so much for all the thoughts and personal experience you have shared and it really has helped to lighten my load today.

Roarah, I am so sorry for the blow to your life. It never is a good time for such news and the waiting must seem endless. I don't have anything to add to the excellent advice except to stress the value of exercise, read mindless stuff, carry on with your current plans for the remodeling, and use this time to do any assessment of your and your DH's financial planning which would likely help put your mind at ease about many things as kswl suggests.

It must be very hard to get your mind away from the medical issue potentially facing your DH. I wish the best of outcomes for both of you.

Kswl2, I hope you are ok too! I find myself awaking at 3 so I just might PM you just to get some decorating advice;). I hope you are able to get some sleep tonight! I am able to nap during nap time and have no trouble falling asleep during the day it seems so it is not all bad but I could not function without a nap when I have insomnia.

Hi Laura,

I was thinking about the pretty common advice given (including by me) about not spending time on the Internet trying to understand the illness. After reading what KSWL said I started to think about it and I thought … Honestly if it were me I would probably be all over the Internet no matter what anyone said. First because it is private and no one would know that I spent hours and hours, whereas a friend would probably be really tired of me spending hours and hours on the subject. But also because it's nonjudgmental and allows you to ask whatever question you are really wondering about or may not even want to voice

i think the cautions are two fold. One to keep patients from wanting to pursue nontraditional cures which can take their eye off the ball and be tedious to their care providers. Two, to prevent patients from making assumptions that are not applicable to their particulars. I think you're a levelheaded enough that the first issue would not be a concern. As far as the second issue ...with friends or relatives that I've gone through this with, I myself found that fairly quickly, the information one could find was not specific enough for their case. So, understanding that limitation, I would say, use the Internet. In fact your husband's care provider might even have some sites to suggest.

As far as carrying on as normal, I had a friend go through colon cancer starting about 18 months ago. She's had a terrific outcome and is doing very very well. But it was quite serious, and in the beginning I was actually a little bit surprised that her child went off to college as planned. It was her oncologist whose advice was to change your life as little as possible for as long as possible, and go forward. In retrospect that was excellent advice. My friend says no matter which way things had gone,what you really want is to live your life, just the way it would've been.

Sending you hugs today and wanted to know I'm thinking about you. The waiting can be awful and frustrating.

Also wanted to send a link your way. When Mom had her cancer, I find a great deal of help from Cancer GRACE. It is a website where you can find a lot of wonderful cancer information as well as ask questions of oncologists from around the country who volunteer their time to support patients and their families. Not only did I learn a lot from others, but I was able to ask specific questions of oncologists that I didn't feel comfortable asking in person, esp with Mom right there. It's a great resource.

Here's my experience when my husband was diagnosed with cancer and spent most of a month in the hospital and then 4 months of daily outpatient treatments:

I kept to my routine as much as possible. I went to the gym every morning before going over to spend the day with him. I maintained by normal diet, I didn't skip meals or stress eat (which was hard because it's my default setting but I knew an unhealthy diet would only add to my stress).

Whenever someone offered to do something for him/me/us, we said yes, thanks. People want to help, allow them to ease your burden, you don't have to do everything yourself. But you don't have to accept help that you don't actually need or want. A neighbor cut our lawn, his sister came over to weed and trim bushes, a friend brought me wonderful, fresh salads, another friend sat with him so I could attend an event. It takes a village to raise a child and to support a loved one. Embrace the village.

That said, we are both introverts so being in the hospital and constantly dealing with people (who are there to save your life!) is exhausting. Speaking for myself, I had to be sure to get my alone time. At night when I returned from the hospital, I didn't want visitors or to talk on the phone or to interact with anyone. I guarded my alone time because I require that to recharge. Don't apologize if you need time to yourself.

I kept a notebook and made notes of any medical interaction - names, discussions, treatment plans, medication schedules and changes, questions for the doctor, etc. We still bring that same notebook with us to his annual oncology visit.

The first few days you might feel like you were hit with a ton of bricks. But once we had a treatment plan, wonderful medical providers, loving family and friends, that feeling went away. There were still plenty of stressful moments but after the initial shock, things did improve. I'm sure that will happen for you, also.

Then there is the moment, usually in the car, when I start ranting in my head (or out loud!) I never thought it would help, but I tried this that I've heard of: breathe in slowly through your nose. Hold for 3. "Whoosh" the air out through your mouth, let the lips puff out. Repeat. It doesn't make it all go away, but it relaxes so i can function.

sorry to hear that you are going through a very stressful time. fear of the unknown is really the worst fear, so hopefully, regardless of what the news is, your emotions will be easier to deal with in early may...

i can't stand that feeling of pent up anxiety-- i have to move when feeling super stressed. i am not a runner, but if i was i would run!! but a hard walk, or hard exercises or something that gets me panting always makes me feel better- best with loud, rhythmic music in my ears to compete with/drown out my own thoughts...

hoping for the best for you....

I am so sorry

Last fall "my guy" did not check in like usual one night-he is a new kind of "ok" now

In the months that have followed I have had to learn to deal with being just along for the ride and not driving the bus. I can't control or change the health issues. I can't change or control his options in his care or what the doctors want to do. All I can do is take in what I need to and be supportive of the "trip". It not easy but it is all I can do

Just checking in to say that I have not advised Roarah to stay off the internet looking for healthcare information----although I have advised against it in the past. I recommend the mayoclinic.org site to anyone and everyone for the absolute best and most current information and excellent links to related topics.

'amen' to the advise to research reputable medical sites!!

I agree wholeheartedly kswl! There are sites to go to and sites NOT to go to. Last year when I had my D&C/biopsy, I needed to research the situation in order to know what questions to ask! I just try not to read the "horror stories".

Roarah, no new advice-just another virtual voice saying I'm very sorry you are dealing with fear, worry and anxiety and I hope things will be ok.

I'm so sorry you are facing this uncertainty. DH and I have dealt with some very serious health issues over the years and I think the time of uncertainty is the worst. Once you know what you're dealing with you can attack it in whatever way makes sense but until then you strive to find out what you're facing. Though I'm not a clinician I've worked in healthcare all my adult life so I'm reasonably familiar with a lot medical things and I do get on the internet and research things. In fact I was on my smartphone googling after I got back to my hospital room after surgery. There's no way I would not do this but I do take it all with a grain of salt and can pretty much sort out reputable resources from those that are not. I did want to mention another excellent online resource though it isn't free. It's called UpToDate and it's a product developed for physicians and other healthcare professionals but lay people can purchase a short term subscription and have access to all the same information including references to research studies, etc. It can be a bit overwhelming with all the medical terminology. I use it fairly often but I understand some of the lingo.

When I've been in the midst of some of these difficulties I needed to allow myself some time to think, be sad, research, etc. However at some point it's good to keep busy with other life activities so you don't dwell on it all the time.

Roarah-sending positive energy and prayers for you and your family. Repeating the Serenity Prayer helps to calm me. I meditate on each word as I say it in my head, or even out loud.

Roarah, so sorry that you and yours are forced into this terrible journey. I'm not much of a worrier but when something bad happens my patience and feeling of being in control are completely gone. I wallow in my misery until surrendering to the fact that I have no control over anything. Then I get used to the new normal and life continues. So no good advice, just know that so many of us have taken that same journey and are thinking of you.

Sorry, KSWL, I thought you advised using the internet in your first post, but I looked at your post and it must have been someone else. I didn't think you had ever advised against using it.

No worries. I have advised people against internet searches as a substitute for seeing an actual doctor, and against sketchy sites with names like www.igotdiabetesfromanalien.com and www.coloncancerisagovernmentplot.com . :-)

I made it through the day and even feel calm at the moment thanks to many of your tips. I made some decisions about the addition and handled some surprises better than I would have expected. I kept the kids happy, safe, fed, napped and scheduled amidst quite a lot of construction by focusing on our normal schedule instead of forecasting toward the future. I had a few quick cries but was able to regain my composure quickly by focusing on my breathing and finding a needed cleaning task. So today was not a bad day and really that is what matters I suppose.

Again thanks for all your wonderful support and advice.

Roarah, I am sorry that your life is in an upheaval right now. The good people here have generously shared first hand advice. - all worthwhile- As I was reading the posts about referring to the internet for information, I was thinking of UpToDate also. One of my physicians recommended it to me. She helped me with a temporary access code good for 30 days. While the medical articles have some jargon, most are understandable. The site is packed with abstracts and articles by the medical community. This site may be something to keep in mind for future if researching the cancer is frightening right now when you are waiting. As a wonderful homemaker, you will continue to provide a warm safe comfortable place for your family during this time. Take care

I'm very sorry to read about your husband's medical set back. It sounds like he's managing to keep a great positive attitude.

As stated, try to stick with sites like Mayoclinic if you're going to research. It's great to be informed, but can you can end up in a scary rabbit hole reading sites like a yahoo message board....yeeah, just say no!

Keeping to your normal routine as much as possible is a good idea. I'll admit I feel distractions only work for so long. The only thing I find peace with is God and my bible. I believe it's also important to think about what we're thinking about. I believe we can control our thoughts and replace the negative ones with positive thoughts and confessions. Also, to say and/or make a list of everything I'm thankful for can help with mood boosting.

Saying a prayer for your husband, you, and your family.

Roarah - I'm so sorry for what you and your husband are having to go through. You have been given such excellent advice. All I can emphasize is to remember to take care of you - the "oxygen mask theory of self care" - to care for others and to be able to be there for others necessitates first recharging ones own batteries; taking the oxygen mask in the airplane first. Take care. Sending healing thoughts.

Laura, I really don't have much of substance to add but want you to know that you and your DH are in my heart.

I did caution against using the internet for too much exploration before you have all the info. I didn't mean to say do not become well informed. But there's a time, and it sounds like Roarah might be there, when not all is known, and you can find some terrifying stories that possibly don't even apply in her situation. She's in a place I remember all too well, vulnerable, sad and terrified.

In 2002 my husband was diagnosed with Stage 4 stomach cancer two weeks before Christmas. Considering everything, nothing was as bad as those days. We came back into the light, and it was the most blessed of times.

Laura.. so glad you found some things to help you through today! Even better to hear that you found some calm in the day. Hope tomorrow brings the same!

Roarah, you wrote: I kept the kids happy, safe, fed, napped and scheduled amidst quite a lot of construction. Even on my best days, I barely manage what you did today!

When we go through traumatic stages, our lives rarely accommodate it. The laundry still needs to be done, the kids' schedules need to be kept, the bills paid, etc.

One of my kids recently had a serious injury that demanded I re-organize my schedule for a few weeks. I missed some deadlines, my bathrooms got dirtier than usual, and I'm not afraid to admit my other children ate cereal for dinner.

Give yourself credit if you're still managing the day-to-day. And when you're not, give yourself a break.

Roarah - I am so sorry to read this news. I can't add much to the tremendous suggestions which have been so lovingly made here, for matters both practical and of the spirit. But I am happy to see that today went well for you and that your skills of organization and motherhood are serving you well!

I will keep you and your DH and family in my heart and am sending up thoughts and prayers for a good outcome.

By focusing on daily life, you are giving your permission to take a break from the crisis.

When I went through an unexpected health issue, I think it was easier on me than my DH. Together we focused on creating a plan. For me there was a chronological order that I had to follow. Once the plan was in place, both DH and I decided to go on as normal.

We decided to share the information with only those closest and the ring widened as my surgery date came closer. In this way ,I didn't have to keep updating a large amount of people, or be reminded constantly about what I was facing. You might feel differently, so you need to do what is right for you and your DH.

Sending strength and healing thoughts your way.

Eld6161's comments reminded me of this:

We didn't create a page on one of those websites designed for updates but I did send a group email to keep people informed on my husband's status. I kept the updates light and informative. We received lots of positive and funny feedback from that and it helped my husband feel the love people were sending him. It was easier to send one email than to field 10 calls about what was happening.

He received an incredible amount of cards and silly gifts (he was immunocompromised so he couldn't have plants or food). Another cancer survivor recommended he keep the cards and re-read them on his 5 year anniversary. It was so nice to be reminded of who sent cards and how much they cared.

If you're plate is too full, you could assign the website maintenance or email updates to another trusted person, or even your husband if he feels well enough.

I want you to know that last night when I had trouble falling asleep - for no reason- I thought of you and hoped that you were enjoying a good night's sleep.

Also up thread you mentioned napping with the children. I remember those days- so needed. When my first was born, MIL told me when she naps, you do too. Take care

Laura, I'm sorry you and your DH are going through this. For me, the waiting and not knowing what was next was the worst. Once I knew what needed to be done... what was going to be done, I was able to focus on that. I was still terrified, but held it together for DH - if I fell apart, I knew he would.

Until the May date, my advice would be to dive into the biggest and smallest tasks of every day life but don't be hard on yourself when you need a break or a moment to break down. As hard as it is, try not to let your mind wander. Our imaginations are often worse than reality. Take care.

Laura,

I wish I had great words of advice. You have already been given so many. I just wanted to say I will be thinking of you and I wish I could give you an enormous hug!

Amy

I'm so sorry that you are faced with this issue. Nothing will help for any period of time until you hear what the diagnosis is. Hopefully it will be good news. The best thing that you can do is pray for good news, and the strength to get through this. For short periods,of time, try to get some exercise, walking is good... and the endorphins that your body releases will help you to feel better for a short time. Don't forget to listen to music while you are exercisimg because that might take your mind off of things for a few mins while you sing along with your fav songs. Good luck! A cup of decaf green tea also helps to relax me when I'm stressed.

Get help. Lots of people want to help. All you need to do is ask. I had a monumental problem a year and a half ago when my mom died suddenly from a fall and my dad found her and went half mad. I was the only one there to deal with it all. I got some help right away from my Dad's godson, but I realized there was just no way I could manage to work and manage dad and get my mom buried. I ended up calling a couple of people to come and help me at the house with dad so I could do things I needed to do. Another example is tomorrow I have a big thing at work and I just did not have enough help and I scoured and asked everyone for idea of where to get more help and I got tons of it after I put the word out that I needed it. I have found that most folks want to help but many are shy about offering. Nothing wrong with asking for help and if some folks turn you down, don't sweat it, they may connect you with someone who can or the next angel may be just around the corner. Lots of others have walked this path before you, so find a support group in your community. For example, my dad finally started to get his head together after he joined a grief group at a local church.

Keep us posted on your journey!

Taking my mindfulness course, I learned the best definition for stress ever:

Stress is the perception that you have insufficient resources to meet perceived demands on you.

What I love about that definition is that it provides space for your perceptions...you may have more resources than you think, in yourself and in others...and you may, especially through fear and worry, be misperceiving the demands upon you. Simply by changing perspective, which is always a resource we have, we can reduce the stress from a situation and find that more is in our control than we thought.

There is going to be stress but fortunately the body can break down the chemicals that are created by stress through exercise. You need sleep and good food and exercise so you can help your husband heal. He needs you and you need your health to help him. Think of it as part of the cure.

Every persons situation is different but as far as I can tell, every cancer patient needs a great diet with fresh organic food without junky additives. That's one of the best things you can do. Foods that heal are up there with the best medical care. My aunt had a very bad cancer and finally saw a doctor who was one of the U.S. top cancer doctors. He said she had to switch to a healthy diet immediately. No exceptions. No restaurant food, no snack food, no sodas. Just home cooked food from the grocery store and water or juice or herb tea. He didn't even like regular grocery stores just Whole Foods and health stores because of the additives in meats and produce in regular markets. It made me wonder why he was so strict but if if makes the difference for people in the toughest cases then why shouldn't everyone do it? She was lucky to be able to see this doctor at all.

My mom had cancer surgery and I was so frightened for her. I think there's nothing you can do but try and keep your health and calm so that you can help the doctors heal your husband. I remember my best friends mom cooking apricot jam while her son was in the hospital and might have lost his arm. It was like she completely tuned out and was in a fog. I thought how can you not be talking to the doctor, instead you are focused on making 30 jars of jam. But she was shocked by the whole situation and that was how she coped by being busy and going Inward. I remember being scared like that too. It's ok to be scared, and cancer is always scary. I wish no one ever had to go through it.

You're in my thoughts and hoping for the best for you. It's normal to ride the rollercoaster of emotions in such situations.

It's also easy to imagine the worst. I have a new doctor and she sent me for another thyroid ultrasound last week (two nodules, one biopsied two years ago and one new) and I'll see an endocrinologist tomorrow to see if I need another biopsy. On Monday, I had a CT scan without and with IV contrast, of my abdomen because I have unexplained hematuria. The scan was good, but my doctor is sending me to urology to try to find an answer. I have to take deep breaths and continue on as normal as possible.

Hugs.

Telling yourself you are fine helps. I have talked myself down from anxiety many times with this mantra.

As others have said....breathe. Yoga style deep breathing. Clear your mind and slowly (not too slowly) count to four as you inhale, four as you hold your breath, and eight as you exhale. I learned this in a gym class in high school and still the best thing to do, when I'm stressed.

Sometimes breathing just doesn't work anymore...and you start freaking out a bit. Getting sad and depressed made me feel helpless, so I got mad. Not always a good thing, but it helped me not fall apart. Get good and mad...then go back to the breathing. That seemed to help me.

Just remember...you are a wonderful person. You didn't do anything to deserve this. You are entitled to get frustrated if someone is upset about a trivial issue, when you are facing really big, scary stuff! How much they spent on shoes or their child's report card seems so unimportant, compared to what you're going through.

Sometimes you just have to get away from everyone and go for a walk. Try to get outside and burn off some stress. And try to eat right (not always easy!) but try.

I hope everything turns out to be okay. Let us know what happens...and remember, even if you don't really 'know' some of these GW people, they can be amazing!