Wife Cannot Function Without Clubbing

10 years ago

My wife of five years has suddenly these past few months done a complete 360 on me. She went from being a stay at home mom to her two children and my one child. She was in an abusive relationship with a control-freak for 10 years. She never had a car of her own and wasn't allowed to go anywhere. Now, she has a car, won't look for a job to help me with the bills, but instead has devoted herself to long bouts of walking to lose weight and look better, and she all of a sudden needs to go clubbing every Saturday night. Clubs are not my thing, so I have never desired to go. She always goes with her girlfriends, or one of her cousins, but now she has decided to go with another man. This joker knows she's married, and she knows how inappropriate I find it to be for her to hook up with him. They are old high school frinds, and she said they are going to catch up. I know this guy doesn't know how to dance, so I find it strange that she has chosen the club to catch up on old times. Isn't that what a cup of coffee is for? Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you.

Featured Answer

sushipup1

10 years ago

last modified: 10 years ago

Then you should consider going your separate ways. Sounds like you've been trying. Take good care of the kids, they sense that somehting is going on.

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Comments (20)

tete_a_tete
10 years ago
She might not be looking for a job through lack of confidence. When you have been home for a long time, your confidence goes downhill.

Communication is vital if you want to save your marriage. Why not try to join her on her walks?

Regarding the clubbing, any attempt to interfere will only cause resentment. You might have to let it run its course.

I have a friend who gave ultimatums. ("If you walk out that door, don't come back." And she never did.) That is not a good strategy.
sushipup1
10 years ago
Clubs might not be your thing, but what do you actually do with your wife? Try to do something with her, like go out on a Saturday. And please try to fake enjoying yourself. It won't work if you sit and pout and act like you are there against your will. If you are there, her friend won't be there.
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carman83
Original Author
10 years ago
I have tried walking with her. She slips her earbuds in and shes out the door. She saysI distract her. As far as going out: I take her out as much as she will let me. We frequent places like the river, the beach, her favorite restaurants when she's available. But anymore, she seems to not want to do very much with me. She deliberately hides things from me...Spends excessively...And treats only herself. Since this change has occured, I have found that she wants to do very little with the kids and I.

I have been to the club with her only twice, and to be honest, I had a blast with her. I have asked to go since then, and she's just gotten mad. It's at the point now where she is twisting every little thing I say, and in turn fueling her own fire. I see the kids already distancing themselves from her and she doesn't seem to care. All she cares about is going out--with other people.
Tammy Allen
10 years ago
Hmmmm I agree with Sushi....

It does not seem she wants to spend time with you or the children...

Have you tried talking to this friend ? But must say that if not him, could very well be replaced by someone else.

Sometimes ya don't know what you've got till it's gone...could be a wake up call for her.

Best of luck to you and your family. Focus on the children.
colleenoz
10 years ago
I agree, it's not looking good for your relationship at this point. IMO you need to sit down with your wife and ask her what her intentions are, because it doesn't sound like her heart is with you and your children. Better to fix it (if possible) or end it now before everyone gets more hurt.
Beverly Hills
10 years ago
OMGosh - I misunderstood what you meant by "clubbing" and thought this was about domestic violence, LOL.
Mrs. Nash
10 years ago
I'm sorry that you're experiencing this. Have you two tried couple's therapy? Are you religious? If so, can you speak with your spiritual leader/mentor. Do you two have any friends as couples that you can go on group outing together with?

It seems as if though she has already "checked out" of the marriage. Hopefully, she hasn't stepped outside of your marriage. You need to have a heart-to-heart with her and she where she's coming from. You deserve to know her intentions rather than being strung along. Staying together for the sake of the children is unhealthy; they're witnessing everything and are unable to connect with their mother.
mitchdesj
10 years ago
It seems to me that you are hoping this will resolve itself but honestly you have to initiate a serious conversation , I think it is inappropriate that she goes clubbing regularly without you. Good luck to you.
Tammy Allen
10 years ago
Hello Carman,

How are things going at home ? Were you able to talk with your wife ?

How are the children ?

Thinking of you....
popi_gw
10 years ago
Going out clubbing without you is rediculous. She sounds like she is 18.

Plan some outings together, tell how how you feel, in positives words.
j_brown_1974
10 years ago
last modified: 10 years ago
Thank you for asking, Tammy Allen! Things, I do believe, are moving along as they should. I'm surprisingly taking them quite well, considering the circumstances. I just recently caught my wife of 5 years having an affair with another married man. I immediately confronted her and then contacted the man's wife on FB. My wife ended the marriage in the span of a two minute conversation, and then hung up on me to meet him. She has since started seeing different men, and is gone until the next morning. She sent her kids to live with their father and is enjoying the free life. My son and I--aside of the pain and suffering her actions have caused--have been busy packing our things to move. We are heading back to Phoenix to be around all our family and friends so that we can begin the healing process. She can now have her lifestyle without me in the way.
kitasei
10 years ago
Good for you for being decisive.
Tammy Allen
10 years ago
Dear Carman,

i am glad that it all is out in the open now. I am so sorry for your pain you and the children are experiencing. I believe in my heart that you will be better off for it. No one deserves to have this happen to them. Know it was nothing you have done....if she wanted to stray she would.

Best of luck to you in your move and settling into your new life in Phoenix. Please stay in touch on this site once settled.

My thoughts and prayers are with you dear.

Best Wishes

Tammy
j_brown_1974
10 years ago
Thank you, Tammy!

My son and I, along with the dog, survived the long 1600 mile trip. We just unpacked and I've already found a new job. The good Lord is watching over us and things will be just fine. It's time to move forward...
colleenoz
10 years ago
Well, I'm glad things are working out for you. Staying in a toxic relationship is never good for any of the parties concerned, least of all the children. I wish you the best for the future.
Suzieque
10 years ago
Congratulations!
Tammy Allen
10 years ago
Great !!! I am glad that you've made the trip successfully. Getting settled in. Fabulous. I am pleased that you, your son and your four legged friend are now with family.

Good luck in your new employment. I hope you all get settled and "back to normal".

Take Care, and stay in touch with us here on the forum.

Tammy
BB Galore
9 years ago
I'm so sorry your wife ended your marriage. May you and your son find peace and comfort in this adjustment. If she comes back to you with her tail tucked between her legs, don't consider making any major decisions without insisting on joint, individual, and even family counseling. Her shameful behavior was unfair not just to you, but to all the children involved.
cacocobird
9 years ago
So glad to hear that you are doing well. Sorry that it ended like that, but you are dealing with it. Hope you love your new home and job.

Wife Cannot Function Without Clubbing

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