I'm sitting here smiling. I routinely rip out large beds, do a few every year. Thugs or not, I need a visual change and doing the work is good for body and soul. Earlier this year I hired my niece and nephew, home from college and not yet at their summer jobs, to help me whack back an overgrown shrub border and take plants to the compost heap as I shovel pruned them. Usually I do it all myself but it was nice to have the help and these two young collegiates worked hard to earn some pocket money. One of the best aspects of being a winter sower is the lack of any significant expense to create new swaths of plants--you can rip out and redo to your hearts content and not feel it bite your wallet. I've got a back border very overgrown with massive clumps or Siberian iris, hibiscus, herbs and assorted shrubs I've all WSed. Some will be 'rescued' and go to a holding bed and then donated for charity sale next spring, but the rest of the plants will feed the compost heap. Once upon a time I felt guilty about doing such a thing, but I don't anymore. Rip out and make new. It keeps me busy and my garden is not static, it's a perpetual work in progress. Earlier this afternoon, I was looking at the new growth filling in on the shrubs which were cut to ankle-height a few months back and I am very satisfied with how it looks now. There's lots of room still for new perennials and I've got a few pots of eupatorium to go in to the emptiest areas, but I'm not in a rush. Lots more still to rip out and lots of seeds to sow in August, and then I'll put in the seedlings by late September and they'll snuggle into their spots through October and November and then comes blessed December when the garden gets put to sleep for the winter and the Winter Sowing season begins again. It's a constant ebb and flow of plants in and plants out in my garden, the life cycle is in full force, as it should be. T

FD, I am the least interfering mother you would ever meet. I know I come off as uptight, but really I'm not so much. I don't call while she's there, literally last summer we talked on the phone maybe two-three times, and that was because X called me for whatever reason. I've talked to her twice since she's been there, but she's been sick... and both times it was because X called me to update me on her status. And, a lot of the drama in the past day has circled around that drama. Yes... there's more. DD had to go to the doctor, Gpa was supposed to take her but delegated to Smom, who gave totally conflicting info to X and I, and then said she couldn't fill the prescription because she "didn't have the money". LOL x a million. We have insurance, the doctor is 2 blocks from her house, and she lives off my dad's money. That was pretty much the last straw for me. I know the interfering mother. She's my DH's ExW. She calls 4-5x a day "what are you doing... now what are you doing... and now what are you doing...". It's crazy-making!! Let the kid make her own time. She loves you. She knows you're her mom. Now butt the heck out and let her have her own experiences!! X... well, he's an adult, yes. In most aspects. While he means well, and is a good father, he is really bad at interpersonal communications. I've told him that I support his stance on my family, and that if they don't listen I will step in. But, I'm not there, I didn't experience it first hand so I'm not the front-fighter, he is... but I'm not going to stand by if it continues either... and here we are. The behavior has continued, and it's not ok. And Smom is not an adult. She is the biggest princess you'd ever meet. AND, X had some work contracts that came up suddenly during this time, so he's gone most of the day, unfortunatly, so she has to stay with either WBSM or Gpa/Sgma or or or. HAHAHAHAHAHA on the wild parties. I haven't had a party in ages, and have no desire to go anywhere. I skipped the gym and I've been in my jammies all day (ALL DAY!!!) and am enjoying Pretty Woman on TV and a nice glass of vodka and fresh orange juice. I had popcorn for dinner. I'm slumming it. :)

I want to bring up something that no one probably wants to consider, but should be considered, considering it is a reality with the elderly and the handicapped. Note: I am not implying anything...but if she is so resentful of you, and she is cold and indifferent to your sister, how do you think she treats your sister when no one is around? Is you sister able to communicate with you? The small gifts may be given to make your step mother look good in your fathers eyes. They may be to cover guilt. Or they may be perfectly innocent and come with good and kind intentions. I don't know, but consider all possibilities. My guess is that she adores your father, but resents the burden of your sister. And perhaps she is deeply bitter and resents your happy carefree life, while she struggles with the hard reality of caring for a totally dependant person, who is not her own offspring. (It is hard enough when it is your own child/sibling whom you love dearly, let alone when it is the enormous burden of being the caretaker for someone you do not love, but resent. Possibly even despise. She must wish that she was free as you are to enjoy her life and husband as you do with yours, without all of the responsibilities. A marriage with just your dad, able to go out to dinner alone together on a whim, enjoying a social life on a whim with friends, travel, hobbies/interests, and having her home all to herself whenever she wants. That is probably where the resentment and bitterness comes from. Perhaps she feels that you should be the full time caretaker of your beloved sister, (even though that may not be possible right now) and that she wishes that she and your dad had the carefree life of a normal marriage. Even when you are able to care for your sister one day, I would not expect her feelings towards you and your sister to change. As you read the step parent forum, you will find so many who describe their husband as wonderful. They adore their new spouse "BUT" hate his children. This seems to particularly true when the new wife gets pregnant with "their" child. The new wife then wants to push his children out of her "nest", and resents everything about them. (Read the forum). It sounds as if she wishes she had your dad all to herself...only you and your sister do exist, and she resents it. Like so many women on this forum, they are marrying a man that "first belonged" to another family with children. They want to pluck him out of his role as a father, move him to her nest and make him a father to her own children, and push his children further and further away, until she finially has him all to herself...hurting his chilren in the process. This she actually does to the man she professes to love. Anyway, you sound like an incredibly kind and loving person. And forgiving. Understand that her feelings towards you are probably not personal...but instead it sounds as though she is not the kind of woman who is able to embrace another womans children as her own, even if they did not come with the caretaking your sister needs. All you can do is help her and your dad in any way you can. I wish the best for you.

I too have these issues with my DH children. He has 4 (1 from a first marriage) and 3 (from second marriage). The oldest and I get along fine even though we don't see eye to eye on everything, we still respect each other as people. She is 26 with 3 beautiful children of her own. Her mother (first wife) and I have even been at the same events (funerals, Christmas, Birthday parties etc.) and can be cordial to each other, even though we are both uncomfortable with the other. However the second biomom........Whew.....Sometimes I can't beleive what this woman has done. Her children WANTED to live with me and my husband, however I had no idea how damamged they were (and still are). My DH was even paying her child support even after we were awarded custody (based on the kids testimony). We never said anything bad about biomom, choosing instead to take the high road, let's face it the low road is way too crowded! However she and her family continue to berate us and call us names in front of the kids. I gave her kids everything, and I mean everything. They told us such horrible stories of abuse and neglect that I spent all my savings and income to fight for custody and keep up a household. (DH was laid off for 2 1/2 years and mom recieved half of his unemployment even though we had custody). More money for yet another lawyer. Biomom finally dropped kids off and didn't see them, try to contact them, nothing for 2 years and 3 months. At that time she inherited a large sum of money (not sure how much, but she spends with little reguard and doesn't work and isn't married), then boom she wants to see them again. At this time SS was 19 almost 20, didn't go to school (which I helped him fill out papers etc. he didn't understand, talked with admissions etc.), bought him 2 cars (he wrecked both and his dad's truck), paid his insurance, he didn't pay rent, gave him a computer and video games etc.. He never did a stitch of work around the house, refused to even pick up milk for us, tortured his sisters both mentally and physically. When I found out about him hitting his sisters it was the last straw, I told him he would have to leave. Within 2 month he was living with BIOmom again because him and his buddy couldn't make rent. The last car (that his aunt loaned him $2000 to buy)broke down and he traded it in for a newer model, he never paid his aunt back. He showed up for Christmas, the same year his grandfather passed (2 days before Christmas), but never showed for the funeral and had his mom call to say he didn't want to be pallbearer and that if DH came near the house she would have him arrested. That is the last we ever heard from him (that was two years ago). He was over 20 by this time. DH middle child from second marriage was trouble the entire time she lived with us (from 14). She never liked me or any other adult. She told everyone what a loon her mom was and how she starved her and how the biomom's boyfriend and the biomom would make out right in front of her and so many other stories, that were not only shocking but that I believed. I tried to make her life as normal as possible considering the situation, but it was never enough. I got her a cell phone, but it wasn't good enough, I bought her clothes, furniture, class rings, yearbooks, talked to school counselors etc. Nothing was ever good enough. She stole money and things (including the only good jewlery I had), she posted seductive pictures of herself on the internet, starved herself (she was overweight) until she made herself sick and her dad had to take her to the hospital (we had no insurance at that time),was having sex with her boyfriend in the house, doing drugs, drinking alot.........In short she was messed up. We took her to counseling but she refused to talk to anyone. We tried to talk to her but she would sit there and say nothing. She too was a slob (like her brother). Not just with her room etc. but everywhere she went she left a mess behind her. It wasn't just a mess but filth. Did I mention at this time my DH was in and out of the hospital for kidney stones, colon removal (he almost died and it was 6 months of recovery time). The entire time I was working 2 jobs, doing laundry, ensuring food etc. was in the house, along with all the extras that teenagers have. Ride me here, ride me there etc. In short I was a single mom to another woman's children and my own. Finally the disrespect from this girl was just too much. one month after she was 18, I told her to leave. She tried to break into my house 4 days later AFTER I had spoken to her biomom and said I would call her that evening for when they could come get her stuff (I had already given her a few boxes to get her through). I am at the doctors with my son (whose face was badley swollen from poison ivy) when I recieved a hysterical phone call from the youngest SD saying biomom and sister are trying to break into house. I call the police, while in route SD calls back screaming sister has broken in and is taken stuff out of house (which is in my name only, owned before marriage). Cops arrive, allow SD to take one bag out. Finally make arrangements and SD brings a sheriff, which was totally unneccessary but okay, if she wants to waste her money (which she recieved from the $800 graduation party DH and I threw for her). Haven't heard from her since, except when youngest SD brings holiday greetings from her. Sent her a card, nothing. At this point the ball is in her court. I have nothing to be sorry about with either of these kids. I was never anything but caring and provided for them the best I could. I don't regret trying to help these poor souls, but at some point one must watch out for one self and those you love. My only regret would to have been to allow their abuse of me and DH and my son to continue.