Keep in mind that every family is different and dynamics can change or be amplified after the death of a loved one. Estate law varies from state-to-state. I've included a link regarding Louisiana Estate Administration. I suggest you google Louisiana Estate Law to learn more. I am the executor of a relative's estate. I won't go into details, but it is still a huge mess and it's been almost 3 years. Here are a few things to keep in mind..... The conventional wisdom is that if there's a will, there won't be any problems. That is not true. In your case, your father could contest the will. Sure, the lawyers could say he won't be able to get anything, but the estate would still have to defend itself in the legal proceedings and court if it goes that far. Any expenses outside of "normal" probate expenses are not covered under the probate fees of an estate (in most states, the amount of money the probate lawyer and executor gets paid for their services are determined by statute). These fees will have to come out of the estate. And they can add up very quickly - just because your father won't get anything the estate still has to file motions and respond to what your father and his attorney file. Depending on your father, he could just drag things out to deplete the value of the estate. So depending on your father (and any other relatives or interested parties) they can contest the will and let me tell you that unfortunately I have found from experience that the costs associated with someone who doesn't have standing can get quite high. Just because there is a will, doesn't mean things will go smoothly. And, just because an attorney drafted the will does not mean there won't be problems. An individual can take a will they drew up to an attorney and have the attorney use that as the will (with or without changes) because "that is what they want done." The individual thinks that the will makes sense and that's that. Again, depending on the will, the circumstances of the estate, etc. the intentions of the individual will not be realized and there will be problems with the estate. Case law evolves and what was the "norm" years ago when a will was drafted may now have unintended consequences. In my family, a family member drafted a will and took it to a lawyer. It was a huge mess. In hindsight, the lawyer should have made suggestions regarding the wording of the will (for all we know he did and the advice was ignored). When wills are drafted, they sometimes are done without taking into consideration changes in family dynamics - the death and remarriage of family members, etc. The will was drafted at one point in time and it can be difficult to make contingencies for every possible situation in the future. From your post, it sounds as though your grandmother doesn't 100% understand how her wishes will be carried out by her will. In my experience with my own grandparents, I found that they had varying levels of understanding of how their will would dictate the handling of their estates, and in reality some of that did not come to fruition. It is your grandmother's estate and she can do what she wants. I don't know how your family dynamic is when it comes to discussing money, wills, etc. You could suggest to her that you both go to her attorney so you can make sure that her intentions are carried out properly. In my family, you didn't air your dirty laundry in public, and that included discussing these issues with an attorney. If your grandmother is more "old school" and this is the case, her attorney could be under the impression that everything is fine and there is not going to be a problem when in fact there could be major issues. I suggest you check if her attorney specializes in estates. Sure, any attorney can draw up a will, but you want one who knows this area of the law. If her attorney does not, then I would suggest to her she ask this attorney for the name of an attorney who specializes in estates or find one who does. If her attorney is not an estate attorney and he was your grandfather's attorney, friend, etc. she may not be willing to find another attorney (loyalty is great, but there is a place for it). I would use the analogy that you wouldn't use a cardiologist to deliver a baby to justify finding an attorney with this area of expertise. Since she has discussed the issue of the will with you, there's a chance she will be open to taking you with her to the attorney. IMHO I would think the lawyer would have given a copy of the will to your grandmother to give to you if you are the executor (in my case, I was named executor after another family member on two wills and I was given copies for my files - I guess different attorneys do it differently). This is about protecting your grandmother's wishes and making sure that she will be able to have the means to carry out her intentions if she gets into a situation where she will no longer be capable of making decisions. I hope your grandmother is doing well and her wishes are carried out as she intends. Good luck.

I decided to redo this since the format got messed up on the above. What I’ve realized being a SM for over 16 years: • As a SM, you will never have a traditional marriage. • Manipulative, controlling BM and weak, enabling DH = Step hell. • Most people will see you literally as the second wife, meaning that BM gets to overrule you any time, any place, over anything. In the US, BM gets to overrule her ex- too. If bio-dad remarries, he is still seen as being owned by and an extension of BM/his -ex. He is incapable of independent thought and just a remarried old fool that BM (and SKs sometimes) still gets to play on. This is the imagine often portrayed in the media and what most people think. • There is very little genuine research that has been done on SPs, and even counselors will lap up unproven "givens" about SPs. For example, the so-called given that SMs hog all of dad's time and won't let him see the kids. For me, and I know for other SMs, since day one, I have nearly begged DH to do more with his kids, and he would definitely have an even lesser relationship with them if it wasn't for me. • More than likely you will get screwed at weddings and other similar family events. Since society sees you as the 2nd submissive wife, with BM in control, everyone will expect BM and DH to hang out together at family events. Yes, BM and DH are parents, but they are NOT a couple. Despite you and DH being married for 20 years, for example, whenever BM is around, pretty much everyone will think and treat BM and DH like a couple. Even after 20 years of marriage, if you try to take your place next to your husband, you will be accused of trying to usurp BM, and “how dare you!!” At these events, SM or step-dad is usually seen as an annoying object in the way, because everyone knows that BM and bio-dad are the REAL couple, despite that fact that their first impulse when laying eyes on each other may be to beat the living crap out of the other. • You will never get anywhere near the kudos you deserve for what you have done for DH’s family and how you have kept it and them all together throughout the years. As a matter of fact, you may even and probably will be punished for your good efforts. • AT the end of the day, try to put up with it the best you can until the SKs are adults, and then if the family still hasn’t figured out that you and DH are a couple and deserve to be treated like a couple 100% of the time, disengage from a family that expects you to continually pay the price for their divorce that happened XYZ years ago and that you had no part in. Just say NO whenever you feel No. Use NO wisely and use it well. You don’t have to go to events where you are treated little better than cattle fodder. The divine family can all hang out together and sort out their own family ills. Granted, they may not miss SM, but they will miss their scapegoat. • YOU on the other hand, love your DH, let him deal alone with the adult SKs (and SGKs) every chance you get, and enjoy yourself! You know you’re married to your DH, and your DH knows that he is married to you.

MMM..i have my skids EOW and these are interesting questions. I also was a stepchild (but due to my mothers death and my father remarrying) So i've been on both fences.. My answers are as follows: As a stepmother, do you ever hold your stepchildren to a higher standard than you do your own children? I do not hold my stepkids higher in standard for the mere fact i did not give birth to them and do not and will never have that 'biomom' connection they have with their mom. My stepmom didnt put me above her kids and i will not put my skids above my child either. The key question here is whether i would put them beneath. The answer is : No. I respect them and care for them because they are my husbands flesh and blood and they are human and i've been where they have been. Being a stepchild doesnt mean you are selfcentered and selfish. That has to do with the raising done by their mother and father and the company they hold as people. I will not put them beneath my child but depending on the circumstance i believe its their fathers and mothers job to do certain things for them. like: 1. open a bank account save money for their school buy them clothes when needed etc..etc.. Do you expect your SKids to be self-sufficient and stand on their own the second they turn 18, yet have adult children who turn to you when they need support or comfort? I expect all of them to be selfsufficient and not be moochers! I will help all of them in the best way i can. I will take my sons care first and my husband can take his kids interests. I will only help if they are sincere and need the help. Same goes with my son...he must need the help with sincerity..i do not like being used by anyone..including my son or husband or anyone. Do you ever (be honest now) feel as if the stepchildren coming for a visit are "intruding" upon your happy life with you and your husband? No i dont feel they are intruding at all. I accept that they come over every second weekend to see their father. Its their right. Who am i to disagree or be unhappy for that. Unfortunately its my husband who feels they intrude! Yes ! shocker to me as well! i've noticed his behaviour is irate and just plain sour when they are over. He sees them as a reminder of his failed marriage. and what he lost materialistically. Do you ever take out your feelings of jealousy or anger over your husband's ex upon your stepchildren? I do not feel jealous of his ex. She's a piece of work and her undoing with her actions will be reflected in her kids. Unfortunate but the damage is already done. Anger...i used to feel angry at her but now i just feel its a waste of energy on my part and she doesnt' deserve the attention. Did i ever take my anger out on the kids? NO WAY ! Respect is the key. It is not right to take out your anger on any child. These kids have suffered enough because of the action of both their parents..they do not need my emotions to burden them. Do you ever wish your ex doesn't have anyone to remind him of his past life with another woman? No i wouldn't wish that. The accumulation of your past makes you the person you are today. We all make mistakes...we learn..hopefully:) Having kids from another marriage is just proof to me that they did love one another and that people changed..that's all. I guess my final question is, do you think that you do anything to contribute to the negative interactions you have with your stepchildren? Nope...because i give respect and demand it as well from anyone around me. If they dont give it to me, the door is open. Or i shut them out of my mind completely. Difficult to do but possible. I mind my business when it comes to my husbands issues with his daughter. I will give my opinion when asked but other than that...its between them and i want nothign to do with it! Lately i noticed an anger building in both skids. It has alot to do with them seeing what i do for my son...and what both their parents do not do for them. I cannot change that...i keep certain things discreet as best as i can so not to rub in salt into their open wounds but as i said before their parents are responsible. I cannot step in and take over. What i do for my child surpasses them because of my upbringing and culture. I save $ for my child , i keep him well clothed and happy. I always think of him. I also think of my skids but must keep it at bay to not insult biomom as well. Its out of respect. If she wishes to raise her children in a certain manner it is her right to do so and i will not interfere.

So typical for the women to be fighting. And so typical for the men to be absent, big-hearted, out of touch, clumsy, passive and will do anything to avoid confrontation. Ask yourself this, as women: Would you allow your grown children to treat your spouse with disrespect? Would you allow your spouse to treat your children with disrespect? One example in the original post, was that the stepmother controlled every second of the father's time, and didn't allow him to speak on the phone with his children. How many women would allow a spouse to ban then from speaking with their own kids? Women who would allow this need to call an abuse hotline. As women, we are nurturers and protectors. We are fierce about protecting those we love. We can mediate, moderate, set limits and still show our love without preference. Everyone knows how much we value them in our families. Showing love to one doesn't mean we have to abandon anyone else. I think this list for stepmothers to adult stepchildren is a surface reaction to the symptom. I could write an equal list of directives aimed at adult stepchildren. The problem as I see it, is the difference between men and women, how we think, what motivates us, how we deal with family. We expect men to think as we do. We don't understand when they don't. And in their absence, we square off and attack the opposing females. Then the men are forever victims, "stuck in the middle", like big, fence-riding whiners. Disengaging is a great tool many females in step-roles use. It's next in line to being married to a man who can actually love equally, be fair, have expectations and boundaries for the people in his family. I disengaged several years ago. I went from unsuccessfully trying to have a relationship with my stepchildren, who made it clear for many years that they weren't interested, to losing interest myself. It is unrewarding and defeating to continue trying to have a relationship with someone who doesn't want one. No more fighting. Part of disengaging means I am also not responsible for reminding my husband of birthdays, initiating visits to see his children, encouraging him to call them, etc. He and they are on their own to navigate their own relationship. They aren't banned from our home and are welcome to come, they just rarely ever do. Nobody is to blame, it's just often how these stepfamilies go when they don't work for everybody. I find it better when we lower our expectations, accept the reality (or not), and stop thinking that our lives will be glamorous if we all can just be one big happy family. Being one big happy family is no longer on my bucket list. If it happens, that's great. Will be another nut on my sundae, but that's about all.