It is very hard for us to comment on your situation because most of us are living in a culture very different from yours. We don't want to give you any advice that will make trouble for you.

Marriage has its challenges in every country and there are many ways to deal with it. Usually the first years of marriage are a tough period of adjustment, no matter how many years you knew your husband before. Without knowing how the women of India deal with the usual problems of marriage, I can only say to keep the lines of communication open with your husband and work together with him toward a relationship that works for both of you. For example, he may not have any idea of your expectations about birthdays, etc. so you have to let him know what you would like him to do.

Is there a trusted person you can talk to? Don't prepare to throw away your marriage before you have tried to make it work. We all have marriage problems from time to time and we have to learn skills to make it work. Nothing great comes easily in life, we have to work hard for our relationships.

I do wish you every success and hope you will come back to this site again and let us know how you are doing. I have many Indian friends and my first love was a wonderful man from India. Unfortunately we could not marry, but I will never forget him. Good Luck! Please stay in touch.

wise words from colleen.

Having gotten involved with truly awful men in the past, I know how easy it is to be lulled into believing that the man *really* loves you & that the relationship is romantic & wonderful...until he has control of you & his true colors show up.

I wish you the very best.

There are cultures in which a woman may be legally executed for asking for a divorce.

If you have a minute, please Google "A Girl in the River". This is an Oscar-nominated documentary about a girl in Pakistan (neighboring country to India) whose family arranged for her to be engaged to a young man. Although they only met once, they spoke by phone a lot and fell in love.

Then her uncle interfered, saying that the young man's family was of lesser status and declaring that she would marry the uncle's brother. She eloped with the boy she loved and lived with his family.

Her father and uncle came to pay a friendly visit. They shot her in the face and arm, put her into a bag and dumped her in the river to die. Nothing personal, you just don't disobey your family.

She managed to survive and pressed charges against her father and uncle. However, there was enormous pressure on her from both families and the elder men of the town to forgive them and drop the case. It seems that with those two imprisoned, the economics and social status of both families would have suffered to the point where their livelihoods would become almost impossible to sustain.

She legally "forgave" them and the father bragged on camera that he now enjoyed the increased respect of the community for his handling of the situation (attempted murder of his daughter) and that his remaining daughters would never consider taking their futures into their own hands like that.

This is real. "honor killings" are real. The OP states she married a man of another religion and without the permission of her family. Without knowing the culture or religion of the OP, it's good to be careful of advice given from the background of our own viewpoints. Just sayin'.

I am fully aware of honour killings, but the OP stated that she is from India. I would bet serious money that she is a Hindu and her husband is Muslim. Hindus don't honour kill.

Since she did not say, it's better to be cautious.

Even so, I haven't said "Rush out and get a divorce". I said, "These are things you have to consider and decide for yourself." Presumably the OP is aware of whether she is likely to be the victim of an honour killing. Just sayin'.

thank you everyone for taking some time out and replying .. I will explain

I beolong To Sikh religion the turban guys and my Bf is Hindu. I am not muslim neither my bf. but in Sikh religion we are only allowed to marry Sikh guys that too arranged marriage n some cases love marriage also take place.

and I work 2 jobs 6am to 2 pm them 2pm to 11pm because I have to pay half rent and bills and then I payed for all my lawyers fees to get permanent residency and all stuff. so I have a lot of debt on my credit card I need to pay that and my husband never helped me in anything nor I asked I thought that's ok I can earn I am not old too borrow from anyone. I have took around $30,000 from my mom to pay my fees in Canada which she never ask me to return but my conscious says I have to pay her back if not money then in other way which is taking care of her bring her here far from my dad.

so now he says

after marriage girls should not help her parents until they are in real need

girls should not keep her parents with her but guys should never leave his parents after marriage

even though I always pay my rent my every lil expense and then I never got any single gift it kills me because I am a girl I need pampering at times

and I am far far away from my country it takes 2 days by air to reach there I cant see then every m9onth or even every year its not that close so I have to bring them here,

my question is if he haven't helped me in anything then how can he control my life and force his decision on me.

I don't want divorce but I want atleast I can do what I want as I have been loyal to him in past 6 years then I have caught him cheating me thrice, he put his hands on me, he never treated me good, I know these all reasons are enough to leave him but I am not getting that courage to take any action I need help how and what action should I take and what should I ask him and how. because when he comes infront of me I feel week

Oh sweetie, he's an ass. If I was your mother I'd say "Come home and we'll work it out." You deserve better than this jerk.

You're working your butt off 17 hours a day to support yourself (and partially your husband, I suspect), and he's cheating on you (if you caught him three times I'd bet there's more instances when you didn't catch him), hitting you and not caring for you as he should.

Marriage is a two way street- you help each other and support each other's decisions. My own husband was fantastic when my mother was in her final days and then again when my stepfather was fading. He cares about me and shows that he cares in so many ways. I do the same. That's why we've been married 33 years.

So what is the attraction to this guy? You admit he's not nice to you, and even actively nasty- cheating on you and hitting you. Why do you stay?

Are you in Canada now? I'd suggest you see a counsellor to sort out how you feel and where you want to go from here. You should also look into couples counselling- if your husband will not cooperate, then nothing is going to change as far as he's concerned. Then you'll need to decide if that's how you want to live for the rest of your life.

okay I know why everyone Is wondering that if I am in so mmuch of trouble why I am not leaving him

1. I have loved him from core of my heart and trusted him as he always promised that he will be with me.

2. I married him and in my culture and for me marriage is really big deal. all my life I wanted to get married and have a family and just after 4 months of marriage I am looking for advice is killing me deep inside

3.i am married is ok I can make my self understand and quit this marriage but my parents they are in india and I don't know if anyone of u know about that place getting divorce is a big shame for your parents they cant stay respectful life in society because their daughter got divorced

4. and In my case no one knows I am married and on top of that divorce two big shocks my mom and dad will not survive and if by any chance they will survive they wont let me stay here in Canada and wil l call me back to india and that life will be hell.

so basically I am fucked up from all sides. I now for you guys this seems stupid but if u google about indian culture then I have done sin by living with someone before marriage and on top of that marriage without anyone knowing about it and. I did this because I trusted him that he will be with me and he will be my side but now what ????????

I am fucked p

We can only comment from our own cultural viewpoint and sympathize.

I know I will get jumped on from all sides for saying this, but, can you find it in your heart to decide what kind of a life serves you best and then have the courage to pursue that? If you want to stay in Canada, it will be easier in many ways. Sometimes we have to look at the ideas of our parents, our cultures and our upbringing and see if those things will allow us to live in a way that is going to work for us. I know many Indian women, living in the west, who have chosen to adopt the more liberal ways offered here. Perhaps you know some and could have an honest talk with them? Ask them how that has worked for them.

My parents were Christian, my BF was Hindu and there was a major fuss when I dated him, first because we slept together unmarried, then his culture, his color, the whole thing. (Both mother and father told me that it would "kill them", that I would never see my brother and sister again, etc etc.) Finally I decided that my parents had the right to decide their own lives and I had the right to decide mine. They dropped me for about 5 years but eventually we reconciled. Kirit could not give up his family, he was the oldest son. He returned to India and to an arranged marriage. I never saw him again. Buy guess what - life went on.

As for "love"...that is as fleeting as fog. It's good to love yourself, too and be your own best friend. Ask yourself where you will be in a few years, What can you do to get the life you need to live? Are you brave enough to do it?

We are the first women in the history of the world who have had so many choices. It's exciting and scary, but women everywhere are doing it, making their own futures.

Darling girl, you are not fucked. You're just in a hard place at this moment. I learned a long time ago that the best thought to keep in my head when everything is going wrong is, "Even this will pass". Few things last forever and you just have to outlive the bad ones.

You say you love your husband. This is all very well, but your love is misplaced. You have given your heart to someone who will not look after it. Similarly your trust.>>he always promised that he will be with me.<< But he's cheated on you at least three times so you _know_ that's not true.

I know that marriage is a big thing in your culture, and I understand your desire to be married. But going into marriage with a guy whose track record of caring for you was already bad was perhaps not the best thing you could have done. I guess if your parents are not aware that you are married, then they may also not be aware that you are divorced. And as Beverley says, your parents get to decide their lives, you get to decide yours. You will be living your life long after they are gone, and how sad it would be to be cemented into a miserable marriage just for their sake, and then when you are free you've wasted all those good years.

If they do demand you return to India, do you _have_ to? Why not stay in Canada? Who knows, if you are footloose and fancy free then you may meet a _good_ man, one who cares for you and who wants only the best for you. Your parents may cut you off or they may not, or they may cut you off for a time but then relent. But for them to insist on your unhappiness because of a conformity to a cultural expectation is not the act of loving parents. To dissassociate from parents who don't want your happiness is not the worst thing in the world that could happen to you, sweetie.

Be brave, be bold, be happy, be you. I wish you the best in life.

>>But for them to insist on your unhappiness because of a conformity to a cultural expectation is not the act of loving parents.>>

Being Asian-American and married to a first-generation Asian immigrant, I have to disagree. Our Western attitudes are a real clash with Eastern attitudes and to dismiss thousands of years of Asian culture is insensitive and accomplishes nothing.

I feel for the OP, but although I do agree she is in a bad marriage, she may have to face a serious and demoralizing cultural isolation if she divorces.

I know, because it happened to my mother. She spent the rest of her life independent and reasonably successful, but there was ALWAYS a "hole in her heart". She had lost the respect and closeness of her family, her friends, and the entire JA community....and she could never get it back, no matter how hard she tried.

Turning your back on your culture may sound like the "strong" thing to do -- but until you have lived through it, or seen someone struggle for 60 years with that devastating rejection, do not dismiss it as "you'll get through it okay."

I can't help you about whether to stay in the marriage or divorce the guy, but I do want to ask a question and make one comment -

If you are an adult over the age of 21 and if you are a legal citizen of Canada?

If you answered yes to that question, then nobody, not even your parents, can force you to leave Canada. EVER. They can express whatever displeasure they want, but they can NOT force you to leave Canada.

Firstly, this is 2016, not 1956; cultures aren't at all as isolated/insular as they were in our mothers' day.

My mother's stiff-necked old German father did things that would land him in jail today, & many girls & young women make choices that their mothers never could have made.

& the families accept it..

Secondly, I don't think that reflecting on someone else's experience is fair unless you've asked that person & that person has said, "I wish I'd stayed with that mean old so-&-so rather than getting away from him. *The behavior of the other people in my life* is the reason why."

Even though she wishes her family hadn't abandoned (or whatever) her, your mother would likely not choose to return to the unhappy life she had; to paraphrase a song, "if she had it all to do again, she'd do it all again."

Leave. Don't allow yourself to be used. Use better judgment in the future.

I think he is using you, and from what you've said, doesn't care about your feelings.

I was in somewhat the same situation, except I didn't marry him and I live in the US. I was in a relationship with a guy I met that works at an Indian restaurant owned by his 'family'. He came here on a tourist visa and after 3 months it expired. He made 1800 a month, which he said was enough to live on, but I noticed he has expensive taste in things like clothes and shoes. Plus he didn't ever have any money saved. He never got me anything, except food from the restaurant he works at because that came free, while I got him things I knew he would like. He was always borrowing money from his sister, and sometimes me.

The restaurant started exploiting him and making him work 14 hour days every single day, with maybe 1 or 2 hours of break if he's lucky. He had maybe 1 day off per month. He got so tired he just wanted out of the situation. I loved him but I didn't know if his love for me was because I was a citizen and he's not. He wanted to get married after 6 months but I wanted to wait and said I wasn't ready, and he got angry and hung up. We haven't talked since then, so we're broken up, but I think it was the right thing in the end. I didn't want to marry him to give him citizenship, and it was evident that even if he did get citizenship he wouldn't do much better in this country because he didn't want to go to school. He didn't have any kind of college degree, he had experience in lab research in another country which pretty much means nothing here.

In the end, we really didn't have much in common. He didn't like reading or learning anything new, and didn't have many interests except watching movies and soccer, and I needed to be with someone whom I can communicate with and that has ambition. He always said he could do much better if he just had citizenship, but didn't take any other steps to better himself. If I stayed with him, the possibilities were huge that I would have to support him whether he decides to keep working at the restaurant, get a minimum wage job, or if he decides to go to school.

you did the right thing Mango, smart move.

This is a really interesting situation. I do feel for the op. Sometimes, you just have to go your own way in life and it takes great bravery to do this. I wish you well.

Why do your parents need to know you divorced? They don't know you married....

I'd divorce and say nothing. Probably he would and it would get back to the parents. No one should be locked in a life of constant misery and threat of stds.