This may sound discouraging, but Organic pest-resistance takes a few years. First you must build up the micro-organisms in the soil. Introduce ladybugs, lace wings, and other "good" pest control bugs, while completely eliminating insecticides, including, maybe especially, the Bayer products which poison the pollen and nectar eating insects, etc. Use John and Bobs soil conditioner with regular additions of mulch, organic fertilizers, and compost. I have roses of all colors, and after 5 years am completely pest free. I also have lots of birds, gnat and fly catchers, hummingbirds (they love the small protein rich insects)and the only problem I notice is a small amount of mildew on roses that are in too much shade. I do use Spinosad for occasional chewing/sucking insects brought in by ants, being careful to apply it to unopened buds, and using a little Neem oil with it to make it stick better, because the ants do bring in and guard some virulent pests. There are a few companies that specialize in friendly ecosystem bacteria, bugs, nematodes, etc., and are worth checking out for ridding specific problems without throwing your organic ecosystem out of wack. Anne

Cat, I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds so similar to my SD's mom. A couple of years ago, they shared 50/50 and we came to an event during BM's time, she grabbed SD and kept her from talking to us because it was HER time. She says she gives SD her medication but she probably hasn't even filled the prescription because she won't spend the money on it... sounds SOOOO familiar. Fast forward to a year and a half ago, she met a guy and dumped both her girls after knowing this guy two weeks. She moved three hours away to be with him. She doesn't bother coming to school events... tonight was SD's play & no BM. SD tried to call her twice after and got her voice mail... no call back. She's going to be 10 next week & she is beginning to see what her mom is all about. It has been about her mom, not her. When a parent grabs the child to keep the child from seeing or talking to ANYONE else that the child cares about, the parent is hurting the child. The child will eventually see that it's more about mom wanting to be in charge/control and not about mom caring for the child. Kids will figure it out, even if it's when they become adults. Sometimes they side with the parent that does that because they feel sorry for or obligated but eventually, they will resent or even hate them for it. I've been dealing with it for almost five years now. It does not get easier. It has been hard for me to see a mom that was what I thought so involved.. she used to be at her school all the time, take her to activities, etc. and now she is hardly involved at all. One of the factors may be that we simply try our best to disengage from BM. We are not 100% successful and I come here to vent when it gets to be too much, but when we stopped fighting with her (and she does try to start spats all the time over trivial things as well as big issues), she backed off. I'm sure the boyfriend helped take her attention too, but I hang on to the belief that if she truly was the involved parent she first portrayed herself as... 'lovingly possessive' of her daughter, she would never have cut off her daughters at a time when they probably need her most. I wholeheartedly believe she is so self absorbed that her prior 'involvement' in her daughter's life was more about 'appearances' and making herself appear to be a great mom rather than genuine concern for her own kids. I don't doubt she loves her kids but she is so wrapped up in herself that her own happiness is more important than her kids. So I do understand what you are going through. I used to stay up late, wake up in the middle of the night and lose sleep over BM's antics and at times, it's put a strain on my marriage and it's a constant strain on my relationship with my SD. When I have to pay for fillings and BM doesn't make her brush teeth; When I have to take SD to the doctor and stay home with her because BM let her play outside with shorts in the freezing cold or let her eat nothing but junk or let her stay up all night or whatever else she does there; When I would try to fix things for SD because she counted on her mom but mom let her down... SD resents me, probably because she wants her mom to do the things she knows I will do but her mom won't. I resent BM for doing these things to her daughter and I feel I am forced to sit by watching SD suffer. The only thing that has helped is me letting go of the resentment I have for BM, which isn't easy at all. Like making a lame excuse for not coming to SD's play after she promised several times over the last few weeks that she'd be there. She told us nobody told her about it.... well, her daughter told her many times and heard her tell us she knew nothing about it. Sadly, SD pretended that she 'forgot' to tell her mom and repeatedly apologized to BM for not telling her.. then cried on the way home from BM's house. I guess my point is that there is nothing you can do about what BM does. She doesn't give meds... nobody can 'make' her, not even a Judge. She doesn't bathe him... nobody can 'make' her. The Judge can change custody. The Judge can put her in jail. She can be ordered to pay money or perform community service. But, nobody can 'make' her do anything. Jail is about the only thing they can 'make' her do... and it's usually a last resort. It makes me sick to think of kids being treated that way and the courts give crappy parents too many 'chances' in my opinion but hopefully.. the child eventually ends up in a better situation. Either the parent that doesn't really want to parent will get tired of playing the 'battle' game because the other parent won't play back... or the courts will intervene and put the child with the clearly better parent. Parenting gets harder, it doesn't get easier and the older a kid gets, the harder they are to control/manipulate and if the parent is only using the child to stay engaged in the battle with the other parent, then they will eventually go away when there is no longer a battle... it isn't 'fun' anymore. Without the battle, there is just the hard work of parenting the children. If a parent is focused on doing the hard work of parenting, they don't have time for games. You need to let it go, support your husband if he seeks custody and focus on having a better relationship with your stepson when he is with you. His mother may be trash but she is his mother and always will be. It already says a lot that his mom is right there and he asks you to do for him, not her. As angry as I get at BM, it makes it easier when I change perspectives and feel sorry for her. I was SO angry when she lied to say she can't make it tonight because nobody told her about the play. As I was sitting there watching her play, I thought 'BM is missing out on watching her daughter perform and I get to see it.'

From what my BF has said, and from what I have observed, A__'s mom usually wants what's best for him... But sometimes what's best for him has to be pointed out to her. His basic needs are always met and he's well cared for, but I've noticed that she sometimes confuses "What's best for him" with "What she wants"... An example: A few weeks ago, she had some plans several evenings in a row (I think one was work and two were social) and devised a bizarre and elaborate A__ care schedule where he was at three places each day (Mom's, Dad's, Papa's, Grandma's)... The reasons for the elaborate swapping scheme included things like that she wanted J__ to change her car battery in the parking lot during A__'s soccer game (so he should pick A__ up from school and take him to soccer), but J__ was on call that night, so couldn't keep A__ for the overnight (so he should sleep at Papa's) Grandma (BM's mom) pointed out that this was a lot of traveling for A__ and perhaps it would be better to change to just one change each day, so whoever picks him up from school is where he stays that night. Once someone pointed out that this was going to make for a tired and cranky A__ with little consistency to his week, she said ok and went with the revised plan... So she DOES want what's best for him, she just seems to think that "what's best for A__" = "what's easiest for her"... So J__ might have to point out that it's good that A__ and are getting pretty tight, but I think she'll be more-or-less OK with it if he does (he had to point out that it was important for A__ to spend time with Papa, and then she came around to the idea, so I'm banking on that. As BM problems go, I have it pretty easy! No drug addictions, no taking J__ to court all the time, no not feeding A__ because she had no dishes... Just some immaturity and occasional crabbiness - nothing I can't live with.

Hair spray actually used to be dangerous. The propellant used was vinyl chloride. It was hardest on barbers and hairdressers since they were around it all the time. The danger was a significantly increased risk of liver cancer. I think the show I watched was called the Chemical Revolution. There was also something in maybe the hair dye?? that caused a surprisingly high rate of bladder cancer in hairdressers. (Obviously this is not a commonly occurring cancer.) Here is a link that might be useful: PBS link about Hair Spray Propellant