This may sound discouraging, but Organic pest-resistance takes a few years. First you must build up the micro-organisms in the soil. Introduce ladybugs, lace wings, and other "good" pest control bugs, while completely eliminating insecticides, including, maybe especially, the Bayer products which poison the pollen and nectar eating insects, etc. Use John and Bobs soil conditioner with regular additions of mulch, organic fertilizers, and compost. I have roses of all colors, and after 5 years am completely pest free. I also have lots of birds, gnat and fly catchers, hummingbirds (they love the small protein rich insects)and the only problem I notice is a small amount of mildew on roses that are in too much shade. I do use Spinosad for occasional chewing/sucking insects brought in by ants, being careful to apply it to unopened buds, and using a little Neem oil with it to make it stick better, because the ants do bring in and guard some virulent pests. There are a few companies that specialize in friendly ecosystem bacteria, bugs, nematodes, etc., and are worth checking out for ridding specific problems without throwing your organic ecosystem out of wack. Anne

Sounds like a few things going on. I don't eat out much; but years ago (80's); I don't know many people that did not take the jelly that was given. I don't know why it was taken except enough for each piece was given & some didn't use it so someone always grabbed it. They figured it was included with the price. With her & older people; it very well could be that buying their own jelly goes bad because they don't use it in time. I'm throwing out tons of food with my hub on the road. Seems every time I go to cook something; it's expired. I realize that she's now living with you; but habits are hard to stop. My ex-neighbor also takes Splenda. He doesn't make coffee at home; when he goes to McD's he grabs a few packs to put in his pocket in case he's at someone's house & they do not have Splenda (or whatever color packet he uses). Yeah; why doesn't he just buy a box? The box would go bad. Depending on what she's taking & from where; I wouldn't worry about it. Smaller places that are more mom & pop; yes because you know it hurts them financially but larger places like McD's- I doubt it puts a dent in it. We don't buy McD's often but if we do; they don't even ask if you want sauce for the nuggets & if they do give; most do charge for extra if it's not enough. I wouldn't even worry about sugar packets; how many people don't use sugar these days or take black coffee? Chinese never gives enough sauces; especially duck sauce. I'll leave the soy they give & exchange it for duck sauce. I've tried buying duck sauce in the store; not the same as what they give. I personally don't wipe them out but make sure I take enough for what I bought. With things like fern table decorations; I think that's just changing times & they don't get out much. All of my life; if there was a function; they always had one person from each table take the piece home. These days it's not the same. Taking the gift bags was out of line; if you do something like that again; keep them out of sight. You can also take her shopping with you to buy extra candy that she likes. It's "funny" that this is pretty common that as they age; they seem to regress to kid behavior. I'm pretty sure my neighbor pocketed a few things when he stayed here; my favorite nail file that I've had for years that never seemed to wear away. The grit was also perfect. I can't find a similar one. It was a freebie marked woman's center; I caught it in his pocket once; wish I could remember what he told me other then he was still using it; I took it back; it disappeared again.

Cat, I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds so similar to my SD's mom. A couple of years ago, they shared 50/50 and we came to an event during BM's time, she grabbed SD and kept her from talking to us because it was HER time. She says she gives SD her medication but she probably hasn't even filled the prescription because she won't spend the money on it... sounds SOOOO familiar. Fast forward to a year and a half ago, she met a guy and dumped both her girls after knowing this guy two weeks. She moved three hours away to be with him. She doesn't bother coming to school events... tonight was SD's play & no BM. SD tried to call her twice after and got her voice mail... no call back. She's going to be 10 next week & she is beginning to see what her mom is all about. It has been about her mom, not her. When a parent grabs the child to keep the child from seeing or talking to ANYONE else that the child cares about, the parent is hurting the child. The child will eventually see that it's more about mom wanting to be in charge/control and not about mom caring for the child. Kids will figure it out, even if it's when they become adults. Sometimes they side with the parent that does that because they feel sorry for or obligated but eventually, they will resent or even hate them for it. I've been dealing with it for almost five years now. It does not get easier. It has been hard for me to see a mom that was what I thought so involved.. she used to be at her school all the time, take her to activities, etc. and now she is hardly involved at all. One of the factors may be that we simply try our best to disengage from BM. We are not 100% successful and I come here to vent when it gets to be too much, but when we stopped fighting with her (and she does try to start spats all the time over trivial things as well as big issues), she backed off. I'm sure the boyfriend helped take her attention too, but I hang on to the belief that if she truly was the involved parent she first portrayed herself as... 'lovingly possessive' of her daughter, she would never have cut off her daughters at a time when they probably need her most. I wholeheartedly believe she is so self absorbed that her prior 'involvement' in her daughter's life was more about 'appearances' and making herself appear to be a great mom rather than genuine concern for her own kids. I don't doubt she loves her kids but she is so wrapped up in herself that her own happiness is more important than her kids. So I do understand what you are going through. I used to stay up late, wake up in the middle of the night and lose sleep over BM's antics and at times, it's put a strain on my marriage and it's a constant strain on my relationship with my SD. When I have to pay for fillings and BM doesn't make her brush teeth; When I have to take SD to the doctor and stay home with her because BM let her play outside with shorts in the freezing cold or let her eat nothing but junk or let her stay up all night or whatever else she does there; When I would try to fix things for SD because she counted on her mom but mom let her down... SD resents me, probably because she wants her mom to do the things she knows I will do but her mom won't. I resent BM for doing these things to her daughter and I feel I am forced to sit by watching SD suffer. The only thing that has helped is me letting go of the resentment I have for BM, which isn't easy at all. Like making a lame excuse for not coming to SD's play after she promised several times over the last few weeks that she'd be there. She told us nobody told her about it.... well, her daughter told her many times and heard her tell us she knew nothing about it. Sadly, SD pretended that she 'forgot' to tell her mom and repeatedly apologized to BM for not telling her.. then cried on the way home from BM's house. I guess my point is that there is nothing you can do about what BM does. She doesn't give meds... nobody can 'make' her, not even a Judge. She doesn't bathe him... nobody can 'make' her. The Judge can change custody. The Judge can put her in jail. She can be ordered to pay money or perform community service. But, nobody can 'make' her do anything. Jail is about the only thing they can 'make' her do... and it's usually a last resort. It makes me sick to think of kids being treated that way and the courts give crappy parents too many 'chances' in my opinion but hopefully.. the child eventually ends up in a better situation. Either the parent that doesn't really want to parent will get tired of playing the 'battle' game because the other parent won't play back... or the courts will intervene and put the child with the clearly better parent. Parenting gets harder, it doesn't get easier and the older a kid gets, the harder they are to control/manipulate and if the parent is only using the child to stay engaged in the battle with the other parent, then they will eventually go away when there is no longer a battle... it isn't 'fun' anymore. Without the battle, there is just the hard work of parenting the children. If a parent is focused on doing the hard work of parenting, they don't have time for games. You need to let it go, support your husband if he seeks custody and focus on having a better relationship with your stepson when he is with you. His mother may be trash but she is his mother and always will be. It already says a lot that his mom is right there and he asks you to do for him, not her. As angry as I get at BM, it makes it easier when I change perspectives and feel sorry for her. I was SO angry when she lied to say she can't make it tonight because nobody told her about the play. As I was sitting there watching her play, I thought 'BM is missing out on watching her daughter perform and I get to see it.'

There's nothing sibling rivalry about her bahavior. The resentment, embarrassment, and other feelings described here concerning a much, much younger sibling is nonsense, justified as normal or legitimate because they had no one to tell them their feelings were wrong. People think and feel all kinds of things, but just because it's the way one feels doesn't make it right, hence there is murder and much other wrongful doing in the world. If they had someone to set them straight, the subjects would never have entered into your thread as anything of concern or consideration. Given any opportunity, I think your SD will abuse the baby - smack him, pinch him, or anything she can do to make him cry, if not *accidentally* drop him - because she lives in a very dark place mentally and emotionally, and she wants the whole world to be as angry, sad, and unhappy as she is. For him to think it nothing more than sibling rivalry is turning a blind eye. He needs an intervention to make him realize and understand the damage he's doing his daughter, and therefore his marriage and his son. You might talk to a health care professional and tell them the same as you've told us (and everything you haven't told us). Then, ask them to help you talk to your husband. I know you don't want to leave, but I'm truly impressed you are seriously considering it as more than just threatening in order to get your way. I don't know how the women who threaten end up feeling when they don't get their way and don't leave either. You can't keep being walked on like this, but he isn't going to listen to you. He isn't going to do any more than he has been doing no matter how much you threaten. It might take you leaving to get his attention, and then you can demand he go with you to talk to the professional. You might demand it before leaving but if he refuses, then you have to walk out the door, realizing it is likely forever and no amount of tears and begging you to come back can change your mind unless he changes his. If you don't leave, then please don't leave the baby with him when you go back to work. He has a cautious mother to protect him right now. Who will protect him when you're gone? His father never will believe there is any danger or concern.