I feel horrible but it feels right.

10 years ago

This is going to be a long story. I haven't really spoken to anyone about it and I need to get it off my chest.

I had to write my father out of my life recently. I feel terrible but I believe it is the right thing for me to do for me and my sanity.

My father and mother were married and got divorced after I was born. I think I was around 2-3 years old. My poor mother was mentally ill and by all rights should not have been left with a child. It was not her fault she was the way she was and I know that she loved me with all of her heart and did the best she could. When I was younger unfortunately I did not understand her illness as I do today and many times have wished I could tell her but she is gone and has been gone for 14 years now. She died when I was 30.

When my mother and father got divorced he left and I did not hear from him until I was around 17 or 18. He never paid child support, never sent a card for holidays, never called and never visited me ever! My grandmother his mother kept in contact with me and if it weren't for her I would not have known anything about him or what he was doing. My mother and grandmother ( my moms mom) would tell me things about him and they were all negative. Which looking at it from their point of view and the way things were I can not blame them.

When I was 16 my mother got much to sick to care for me and I was emancipated at just 16 and made a legal adult left on the street to care for myself. I had never had a job before. I did know how to grocery shop and be alone because I had been left a lone numerous times from the time I was about 10 and my mom would go in the hospital for weeks at a time and I left home alone to fend for myself. I would take taxi cabs to the grocery store to buy food with checks from her check book until the money ran out. My great grandmother would also try to bring me food but was no allowed at my house because of something her husband did to me when I was younger.

Anyway fast forward to when I was 17 I had gotten pregnant and had my son. So now I was not only out on my own I was a single mother with a new child. I worked and had a place to stay, continued to go to school even graduated on my own. My mother's mom offered to take my son but did not want me. I believe she always hated me because I was part of my father and my mother who was mentally ill and my grandmother could never accept her child was not perfect.

I was scared and alone and asked my dads mom if he could get in contact with me as I had no one else. He called and we got to talking. He ofcouse had an excuse as to why I had not seen or heard from him and he blamed my mother and her family. I listened to him but in the back of my mind things just didn't make sense to me and since he had abandoned me once that thought was always in the back of my head. We talked back and forth for years, my son and I would go see him and he would come see us. But he lived in Az and I in Ma so we were never around each other on a regular basis. I thought I knew him now and I felt bad he was out there alone with no one there if something happened.

So when I got divorced last year, I was very fortunate that my ex husband gave me a rather large settlement so I could buy a house and never be left out in the cold again. I decided to move back home to Florida and I asked my father if he would like to come live with me and my son. He was thrilled at the opportunity. So I came down here to find a house that would work for us. He offered to pay for half of my mortgage since he would be living here and half the utilities. I thought win win. I'd have help and get a chance to spend sometime with my father and get to know him. I got us a nice 6 bedroom home with a master upstairs and a master down stairs so he would have his own room with bathroom and not have to climb the stairs since he is over weight, diabetic and has knee problems. I thought I did good. He did not get to help pick out the house because he could not afford the trip to Florida with the move coming up which I understood.

Since I knew the move was going to be expensive for him to move from Az to Florida. I gave him $1000 in cash and told him not to worry about paying on the mortgage for 6 months so he could pay off the expense of moving. Which in total added up to about $10,000. I paid the down payment on the house and for my move on money that I had to borrow from my mother in law because my settlement was taking longer than anticipated. We all get here and I have no furniture yet because I had to wait for the settlement. He thought I guess that I was going to buy him brand new bedroom furniture, new computer and TV for his room. I had never ever said that infact told him to keep his things and bring them with him. He chose not too.

So I got here end of July and my settlement did not come until Sept. My son and I basically camped in the house for those few months, slept on air mattreses. I did buy a TV and some basics but not nothing major. My father on the other hand went out and financed all new bedroom furniture, TV, computer and set him room up. Then proceeded to tell me and my son he felt awful he was all settled and my son and I were roughing it over and over he would say this. I would remind him he had to pay for those things he bought and he would say well I have money. Yes, because I am letting you be here mortgage free for 6 months. I brought my car which was fully paid for and no car payments. The car is 10 years old with 50,000 miles on it. My father had no car because he lived in the city before and did not need one. He would not drive my car and kept calling it a hunk of junk. Decided he was going to go buy a brand new $30,000 car with $600.00 a month payments on top of the other stuff he had financed. Told my son and I we were not allowed to use his new car. That was fine I had my own no big deal.

Finally in Sept my settlement came in. I went and bought brand new furniture, TVs, dishes and all the needed stuff I did not have. He would not participate in helping to pick anything out. He complained about everything I bought even though I tried to get him to help us pick stuff out because it was our house. Nope! to this day 7 months later the man will not use anything I bought. Has his own dishes, stays in his room, does not particiapte in anything. Complains he doesn't like his room and that he got told where to stay blah blah blah. I got him what he wanted a room downstairs, nope he wants to be upstairs, nope doesn't want to go upstairs will stay where I put him sigh. He complained about his TV in his room. It was new I'm not buying him another one, tells me and everyone how he is broke now because he moved here. I did not ask him to buy a new car, new furniture and all the other things he bought.

He then tells me he isn't going to share groceries anymore. I buy things he doesn't like so he will buy his own and I can buy my own. Fine, I cook and when I cook offer him what I make. He happily ate that but would not help me clean up. Would never load or unload the dishwasher, nothing. I told him only thing I ask is you clean your room, your bathroom and help me clean up around the house. I asked him one day if he had did his bathroom and bedroom. Yes. I said you cleaned those? He says yes. I said how you have no cleaner. Oh, I bought cleaner. Oh ok, can I use it I ran out. Oh well I thought I bought it but I didn't know what you liked so I put it back? Soooo you didn't clean your room and bathroom then? I'm not getting into this with you he says. I'm retired and I don't do domestic work! Oh really? My mother had said he was lazy and lied a lot. Proof right there! I hired a housekeeper. This house is almost 5,000 sq ft I am disabled and can not clean it alone with just me and my son. He starts calling me a spoiled lazy princess with a drug problem. I have told people on here before I suffer from a neurological condition that requires me to take narcotics. He tells everyone I use them to get high. I have had 7 heart attacks and 2 heart surgeries and I am lazy because I wont do my domestic duties and hired a house keeper. My ex husband spoiled me. He calls my son a lazy bum. My son helps me around the house and does the lawn work. My father does nothing.

Then comes the final straw. We decided the house was much too big for us. I got offered a nice profit on the home if I sold it and we were going to go down to 4 bedrooms instead of 6 since we aren't using them. About that time his time to start paying on the mortgage comes up and he starts telling me he can't afford it. Shocker! I had paid a year in advance when I got my settlement so I could have a nice cushion for awhile. I said well with a smaller house and the profit out mortgage will be much cheaper. He said we should use his VA loan to get the new house since no down payment. I said ok. Dumb mistake on my part but I still held out hope this would work.

We find a house, get the financing started using his VA loan. The finance people said since he had racked up so much debt could I give him $10,000 to put in his account for reserves and he could give it back to me after close. I said sure. He asked about putting me on the mortgage. They said since it was a VA loan I could not go on but we could have legal papers drawn up with my responsibility. He said fine.

Next day he comes to me tells me the finance people called him and I needed to give him another $40,000 on top of the $10,000 I had been told. I asked why? he made up some lie and I almost fell for it. He also asked me if I could get financed on my own? My son said here we go he is going to back out on you. Sure enough when I hesitated on giving him the other $40,000 up front he comes in my room tells me my son and I treat him like crap, he is just a roommate to us and we just want him here to pay bills. Remember he has not paid a dime to me since he moved here. He said he fears I will screw him over with the mortgage in his name and he has decided to move out. I was like wow!

So I call the finance company tell them what happened and tell them I need to get financing on my own. I told them what my father had told me about the other $40,000 the guy said I'm sorry dear he is scamming you we did not tell him that. You are fine on your own and I can write you a pre approval letter right now.

I went to my father and tried to address his complaints about him feeling like a room mate and all the names he has called me and my son. I told him to participate in acting like a family and we will treat you like family. You are the one who stays in your room, seperates everything, wont go with us anywhere when we invite you, wont watch movies or anything but will eat what I cook and not help. He said he would try. Two days later my son and I are the spawn of Satan and we are aggressive and abusive. Oh here we go again. I tried one more time to make peace. I wrote him a letter and told him everything I felt and that just because him and my mother had sex does not automatically earn him the title dad. He needed to work on our relationship, show me that what people had said was wrong and 7 months was not long enough to make all my hurt go away from the past. I wanted him to show me he wanted to be my parent. By participating and acting like one. I told him it was my last ditch effort to work things out as a family. He has not spoke to me since. He will not look at me at all. Yet continues to live in my home. Well one more time. I tell him house has sold. I will be closing on a new house soon and I need to know what he plans to do because I need to know what size house to get. He never said a word still wont speak to me. So I have decided that he wasn't in my life really ever. I gave it a chance he doesn't want to work on it, calls me and my son names and tried to scam me out of $40,000. I'm done. As far as I am concerned I have no parent. My son and I are the only people left in family. When I move to my new house in June he is on his own. I feel awful that I am doing this but I just can't do it anymore. I tried.

Thanks for listening. I don't have any family to talk to about it and my best friend is going through something very similar with her mother and I don't want to burden her.

Do you think I made the right choice?

Featured Answer

moonie_57 (8 NC)

10 years ago

What the hell were you thinking?

Is that suppose to be helpful?

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Comments (31)

Suzieque
10 years ago
I think you definitely made the right choice, but it's one you should've made long ago. This man is simply a sperm donor - that's all. What in the world do you have to feel awful about? Taking care of yourself and your son? F'gedaboudit. That man (man?) is a loser and a taker. Your mom may have been ill but it sure sounds like she was right.

Your son is what ... 27 years old? Is he helping you with the mortgage? It's great that he can help you around the house and with yard work. Sounds like you did a good job of raising him.

Let go of your hopes of having a wonderful father with whom you have a warm relationship. So sorry.
Aprile thanked Suzieque
phoggie
10 years ago
You have had a rough life, but I can not say if you have done the "right" thing or not...only you can decide if your decision was something you can live with. How old are you? How old is your son? Why isn't he working if old enough? You are very fortunate your ex was so generous. Sending you good wishes that the rest of your life will go more smoothly for you.
Aprile thanked phoggie
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I'm so sorry for what you're going through. For what it's worth, I was in a long marriage to an emotionally abusive man, and I also (now, not then) have a child with special needs. I can't imagine how you could possibly have dealt with all that you've been dealing with for as long as you have been. It has to have been intolerable. Don't worry about how you're "supposed to be feeling" -- Just go with what you do feel, and allow yourself to feel it. Give yourself permission to let go for a few days. If you're sure it's the right decision, then tell the kids that you're sad that you and their father could not be happy together (not sad you're splitting), and that it's important to allow yourself to feel sad for a few days -- But that you know it is the right decision and that you'll be happier next week. It might actually help to put a date on it -- I'm going to allow myself to be sad until Friday (so they don't worry too much). Then CRY. Just hug your kids and cry, and let them cry too. Then pull yourself together after you've washed out some tears and start moving forward. You may be surprised actually behow relieved you feel. More than anything else, I felt relieved, and like I finally had a chance at reaching something good. You may be scared right now, but IME, it's much easier to have NO help than to have almost no help and lots of criticism. Clearly, you've got incredible resources, and you're going to be OK -- probably better than that.
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I really hope you have been in therapy or at some point will get some.I have been through similar things (although probably not as bad) I was also molested (by a cousin).In my teens I was pretty promiscuious and got mad when people called me a slut because I didnt think I was.In hindsight,I know It was a reaction to all I had exprienced. My mom kicked me out of the house alot and always put her loser boyfriends first too.They never tried anything with me,but were alcoholics and abusive to my mother. My relationship with my mom and sister has been a disaster for the last 15 years.Neither one of them has been there for me at all,and have only made my life more stressful. So I finally went to therapy because it was causing all kinds of problems.Severe anger,depression,anxiety...I learned alot.My therapist said it was more healthy for me to not have them in my life.Of course,they make that impossible,but I have learned to shut them out more and not let them interfere with my life. I think you are doing the right thing.Obviously your mother hasnt changed if she still has Jack in her life.Dont justify your mom's actions by saying you were supposed to help her have a better life.You didnt ask to be born.And unless your a moron,everyone knows having a baby doesnt make life easier! I'm really surprized you turned out so good considering.I have too only because I try to do the opposite of my mom at all costs. Just think how it good it felt to get it all out here.If you had a therapist you could really dig up those issues and even free yourself of all (or at least most) guilt. If you cant afford it,most counties have some kind of free mental health plan.Or on a sliding scale of much money you make. My husband has kinda saved me too.He has been the most stable person I have known.He has put up with alot from me because I was so "flighty" when we met cuz of all the drama.I essentially went to therapy for him,because I didnt want him to have to constantly hear about it or put him through any grief. It sucks to have a crappy family life.I'm sorry about all you have been through.But in a way it's nice to know I'm not the only one.
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amylou321
10 years ago
The only thing you have done wrong is wait this long to cut him out of your life. You reached out,for that he used you and tried to steal from you. I wouldn't waste another thought on that thing. I would call him a man, but he does not seem deserving of the word. Don't give in when he comes looking for a handout and a place to stay,which he undoubtedly will.
Aprile thanked amylou321
moonie_57 (8 NC)
10 years ago
I'm sorry but I had to quit reading your ordeal. I see a woman that was desperate to have her father and did all the wrong things to have him in her life. Time to move on!

Oh wait... your son is 27? Time for him to move on, too! You need a little one bedroom place.
justlinda
10 years ago
last modified: 10 years ago
Still wondering why you bought a 6 bedroom house!! You - your son - your father, right? What the hell were you thinking? Maybe your thinking requires the help of a counselor and maybe you should think your problems and solutions out thoroughly before acting upon them.
lucillle
10 years ago
last modified: 10 years ago
" my best friend is going through something very similar with her mother and I don't want to burden her."

It is OK to burden friends in times of need. They know you and they are your friends.

If your story is as you describe, you need to talk to a counselor, and an attorney to get your head and your finances straight, so you can live a happy life with less drama, and live in a place that meets your psychological and medical needs.
User
10 years ago
What the hell? Is this even real?
Lindsey_CA
10 years ago
You said your mother has been deceased for 14 years and she died when you were 30. That means you are 44 years old now. You said you got pregnant with your son when you were 17, so he is 26 or 27 now. He should be working full time and contributing to the monthly house payment, the utilities, the food, etc. And he should continue helping you around the house and doing the yard work.

I can certainly understand your wanting a relationship with your father, but to have essentially not spent any time with him for 90% of your life and then to move him across county and in with you and your son was expecting a lot.
Aprile
Original Author
10 years ago
Yes sadly it is real.

As far as what was I thinking with a 6 bedroom house. I was trying to find what he had asked for a downstairs bedroom with his own bathroom. The only way you really find those types of houses is to go on the bigger side. We used 4 bedrooms total between him, me, my son and a guest bedroom. Other bedrooms were made into office and extra tv space.

My son is 28 he works and helps me. I think he is afraid to go out on his own because of my heart problems and worried about me being alone in case I have another heart attack. I have told him I will be fine but he is very protective especially now that this all has happened.

Who ever said I was desperately looking for a father you are right, I wanted a parent. I have been to counseling. I spoke to her at length before I made the decision. She told me only way to know was to give it a try.

But I thank you for your concern about the counselor and my financial situation as I don't think I am doing to bad in the finance department since I still have plenty of savings hence the reason he thought he could get it out of me and also the profit I will make as soon as this house closes.
Aprile
Original Author
10 years ago
I am now 45 and my son just turned 28. My mother died in 2002. 2016-2002 = 14 years. 45-17= 28

My son does work. I said no where that he stays home and free loads off of me. I said he helps me around the house. Meaning when he is home.
lucillle
10 years ago
last modified: 10 years ago
This is not ringing true to me. If you had a counselor you trusted, why not go to her with these issues? At 29 your son is someone to talk to. But you are not talking to him, your counselor, or your best friend?
Aprile
Original Author
10 years ago
Because I saw my counselor in Ma before I moved to Florida. I do not have a counselor here in Florida. I had started seeing her after I found out I was getting divorced after 20 years and was going to have to start over again.

I can not believe that people would think someone would make something like this up. I posted here as I said because I really have no one to let it all out too. I just needed to vent a little which I appreciate every one who took the time to read it. I have no other living relatives except for him (my father) and my son. Everyone is gone last one being my grandmother who passed away 2 years ago.

I am lucky that my mother in law and ex husband still consider me family to the extent they can being we are divorced. My mother in law, husbands aunt and cousin will be here in 2 weeks to visit me. I have not spoken to them about it yet because I wanted to talk to her in person when she is here and my ex husband well it really isn't his problem. Who else would I vent too? Everyone here has always seemed so nice I thought it would be ok to post it here since I was having conflicting emotions about it.
moonie_57 (8 NC)
10 years ago
Aprile - but everyone here is NOT always so nice. One reason is because (insert word other than trolls) come along with these dramatic stories only never to be heard from again. So, for people like that, we don't want to waste our time and emotion. But you have been a participant on this forum for awhile now.

It sounds like you just wanted to vent, and hoped people would validate your decision to move on without you father. Not necessarily looking for advice? That's ok, too.
Aprile thanked moonie_57 (8 NC)
Aprile
Original Author
10 years ago
Yes, thank you. I needed to vent. I am open to advice just not being attacked and basically told things don't ring true. As I said everyone here has seemed nice. I thought it would be an ok place to post this as I have seen a wide range of topics here and people are supportive to others. I have been posting here for awhile. I have participated in Christmas swap and card exchange to my knowledge I have never posted anything troll like. I know I am one of the younger posters here and I kinda thought that maybe other people would be a bit more understanding and less snarky than other forums because of the mature nature here.

I made the mistake of putting myself out there and honestly never thought about some of the responses I have gotten. That is on me, I guess I should have known better. I hope that others do not ever have to make a decision like I did but also maybe there is someone out there like me who has been thinking about making the same decision and seeing someone else out there make that decision may actually help them as well.
Texas_Gem
10 years ago
There is nothing wrong with posting here, I'm so sorry you have been emotionally crippled your entire life by a mentally ill mother,a father who didn't want you and a grandmother who would t accept you.

That leaves a big hole in your heart and pysche and it is quite understandable that you would try to connect with your father so you could finally feel wanted and loved.

Has your son ever lived on his own? I understand him wanting to help you and be close but if he has never lived on his own I'm afraid you are enabling him and socially crippling him.

He needs his own place, it can be close to your so you can still see each other but he really REALLY needs to be on his own and you need to be on your own for a while too.

The last time you were alone was when you were a 16 year old kid with no life experience, you are an adult now and you need to adjust to being alone and not requiring someone to make you feel whole.

As far as dad, you made the right call. Sell the house, get a 1 or 2 bedroom place and tell son he needs to get his own place as well.

Good luck, this is a difficult transition in your life and you've already been through so many of those, I hate that you must go through another one.
Aprile thanked Texas_Gem
Bluebell66
10 years ago
Aprile, I'm really sorry you're going through this. I think you did the right thing and it's been a long time coming. Separate from your father and don't look back. Good luck!
Aprile thanked Bluebell66
User
10 years ago
last modified: 10 years ago
Aprile, it's great you had the courage to post about your very unfortunate ordeal. Online, people can be abrupt with judgement, and that's very rude and inconsiderate, not to mention hurtful.

Your post was very touching and I hope you can come to terms with letting go of your father. He probably will never be what you want and need him to be.
Aprile thanked User
matthias_lang
10 years ago
Absolutely you made the right decision. What a nervy guy he is.
Aprile thanked matthias_lang
nanny98
10 years ago
I find it hard to believe that you gave your father such a generous opportunity. Now, you need to spread YOUR wings and begin to live the life you can make for yourself. It is YOUR time, now. Take care of you!
pudgeder
10 years ago
You wanted to "get to know" your "father", and now you do.

You absolutely made the right decision to move on with out him. He's a user and won't hesitate to leave you penniless.

It's such a shame he's so full of himself. He's lost out on an opportunity for a wonderful relationship with his daughter, but his only concern is for himself.
Aprile thanked pudgeder
arkansas girl
10 years ago
You need to be very careful. He sounds like he could easily con you out of all your money if you aren't paying attention. I hate to be mean, but get that man out of your house ASAP!
Aprile thanked arkansas girl
ginger_st_thomas
10 years ago
You probably would have always wondered what he was like if you hadn't taken him in so it may be a blessing in disguise. Now you know so you can put that mystery to bed. He does sound like a con man so I'd be careful with any financial papers left around. Lock them up & when he's gone after the house sale, you can start a new chapter & have a very good life. Your ex-husband sounds like a decent man and you have a good son who cares about you.

To put his mind at rest about your health, why not try one of those life alert systems? It might give him peace of mind & he does need to get on with his life. Best of luck to you. I can't think of anyone who deserves it more.
Aprile thanked ginger_st_thomas
S Rodriguez
10 years ago
I believe you, and am sorry that some people gave you judgement instead of the sympathy you need. I support your decision, and while difficult, will be better for you in the long run. Good luck.
Aprile thanked S Rodriguez
glenda_al
10 years ago
Best thoughts for you!
Aprile thanked glenda_al
ont_gal
10 years ago
sell the house-kick his ass to the curb,and always remember what he has thought of you and your son-get a smaller place-do whatever you feel is right for you and your son.....and LIVE-"without" that man who is NOT a father
Aprile thanked ont_gal
User
10 years ago
I am so sorry to read that you have experienced this. I can understand our desire to have it work out with your father. I think you handled yourself well, and now realize the unfortunate situation for what it is. Please take good care of yourself and protect yourself. Your father sounds quite conniving (as you have verified) so please be vigilant and protect yourself. You sound like you have it under control and just wanted validation. Hopefully you got that here. Keep us posted . I wish you nothing but good, going forward.
Aprile thanked User
rhizo_1 (North AL) zone 7
10 years ago
last modified: 10 years ago
You have a bunch of company coming, don't you? Are they to help you pack and move?

What an ordeal about the father. Cut the ties for good and you'll be stronger for it.
Aprile thanked rhizo_1 (North AL) zone 7
OklaMoni
10 years ago
What a nightmare! I second the motion of a smaller house.. way smaller, like maybe 2 bedrooms only. It will be cheaper over all, taxes, utilities, and it will be easier to keep up, when there is less to work with. Good luck to you.

Moni
Aprile thanked OklaMoni
sleeperblues
10 years ago
Absolutely you made the right choice!!! If there were any way to get that bum out now I sure as heck would. But I know there are some weird laws regarding that kind of thing, and he sounds like he knows all of the angles. But that dude is not a father nor a grandfather, he is a manipulative user who sees you and your son as a free ride.

Your story is heartbreaking and dramatic. It is the M.O. of trolls in the past, which is why people doubted it. We just had the Crystal Harris post, which seemed really troll-like.
Aprile thanked sleeperblues
User
10 years ago
Aprile, you have been much more patient with your father than most others would be. You've given him opportunity after opportunity to change his ways. When someone shows you who they are, believe them, and he has certainly showed you. You should have no regrets about severing ties with him.

One question, how are you going to remove him from the house when you sell it? I am not sure about tenancy rights in your state, but if he refuses to leave, you might have to have him evicted, which could hold up the house sale. If so, you might want to get started on that as soon as possible.

I feel horrible but it feels right.

moonie_57 (8 NC)

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rhizo_1 (North AL) zone 7

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sleeperblues

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I feel horrible but it feels right.

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