Time for me to join this forum

10 years ago

My 88-year-old mother-in-law is moving to our city in two days, and I'm getting nervous. She has been living in Florida in assisted living, but after her boyfriend died -- shortly after his 100th birthday! -- she did not want to, nor was she able to afford to, stay in that facility, so she is moving to an assisted living apartment in our city.
I am not a caregiver as most of you seem to be -- at least not yet. She is starting to have a few memory and confusion issues, but not much (although she is anxious about it). That stage may be coming, and I recognize many of your stories, as I remember the challenges of the last years of my father, who died of Alzheimer's. (My mom handled it so well, I think she should write a book.) Mobility and initiative are bigger issues. She is very outgoing, so we are hoping she will make friends (and maybe even a boyfriend, if we are lucky!), but I have to be prepared to become her best friend for the foreseeable future.
So it was a relief to find this forum, because I know that I already need a place to look for advice and vent. GW people are the best. As I gain experience, I hope to be able to help others, too.
My husband's older sister lives in another state, but Mom chose here (she worships her son :-) ). It's fine, and I have the time to help a lot, and I'm glad to do it. But I am already getting frustrated, and she's not even here yet.
I have spent a lot of time buying, collecting, and arranging the furniture, appliances, linens, and all the thousand other things she needs for the apartment. I know there will be lots more work ahead, every week, forever. I truly don't mind doing it -- until I get micromanaged by my husband, or his sister completely fails to thank or even acknowledge me, or something stupid and little like yesterday when I asked MIL what kind of coffee she would like me to buy for her, and she said, "Oh, get whatever kind DH likes best! Because he will be coming to visit me!"
Now, I know she didn't mean anything by that. She didn't mean that she doesn't want me to visit, or that she is implying that I won't, or that she doesn't care if I like the coffee. But it was in the middle of a very, very long day of getting the furniture moved in, cleaning, shopping for, and setting up the apartment, on top of which it just happened to be One Of Those Days where every little thing went wrong, you know? (Even, amusingly and ironically, that the little treat I bought myself to cheer myself up -- that was one of my mom's self-preservation tricks -- turned out to be rotten and made my hands and my car stink unbearably.)
At times like this -- and, again, she's not even here yet! -- I feel like I just can't be the kind of person I want to be: patient and unselfish and mature, but not a chump or a doormat, either. At those moments, it feels like I either have to be a b***h or a saint, and I don't want to be either of those things; I resent feeling like I'm forced into that position. And then I feel guilty for not being able to set aside my ego more than that; why is it so important that I navigate this, even my own emotions, with impossibly perfect serenity?
Reading through some of the posts on this forum has already helped me, if only by seeing that I am not alone and reminding me how much harder so many others have it (and I may later).
So thank you already, and in advance, too.

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Comments (3)

sushipup1
10 years ago
What a journey you are on! My heart goes out to you, my wish for you is for strength and peace. Starting today, set aside time/place for you. Not to do your other chores, or things for other people, but just time for you. Make an appointment with yourself. It can be a walk in the city or in the woods. An hour at the library or a museum. A silly movie. A yoga class or an ice cream sundae. But it's for you. Time to be by yourself and for yourself. Be selfish for yourself, and keep it up, week after week. Make it a habit from today on.

To more practical matters, my helpful hint for you is to set boundaries, especially time-wise. My mother would call and need something at the store. Unless it was an emergency, I'd say, even if I had the afternoon free, "I'll take care of it tomorrow," or "We'll put that on your shopping list." I was rarely at her total beck and call, and I didn't feel guilty. I had to have a little control of my own life. Set schedules from the start. Your DH will run errands on Saturday morning, for example. Not on demand, but save up things for that time. Make sure that his investment in time for his mother is also structured. When you make her doctor appointments, make them by your schedule. Never ever change your own appointments for hers unless it is an emergency.

Hope this helps a little. Caregiving feels like a lonely road, no matter how many of us walk the same way. Reach out to others, find a support group. go into the woods and scream. It all helps.
gellchom thanked sushipup1
CA Kate z9
10 years ago
Ditto to everything Sushipup just said.

Also, it is important that your MIL get involved in the activities at the new place and meet new people. This won't happen if you spend all day everyday with her. At first you might make all your visits ones that take her out into the 'community' to get her started. (Some Homes are more proactive about this than others so you'll have to make a judgement on that.)
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sunnyca_gw
10 years ago
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Time for me to join this forum

Comments (3)

sushipup1

CA Kate z9

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