Hi All, I've been so busy. I made cookies and stuff all night after work and then I answered some email. I wasn't going to write anything tonight because I'm tired. I was ready to go to bed but I realized it may be awhile until I can post again. So I want to tell the story I promised before. 11 years ago in August, Gary's brother, Joe, died helping a motorist who's car had been hit on a major highway. He got struck by a motorcycle that was speeding and then a car driven by a drunk driver. It was as you can imagine was quite an awful time. We as a family decided to donate all of Joe's organs. We felt that he died trying to help someone and it is what he would of wanted. Thanksgiving with Gary's family wasn't the best that year of course. Christmas as far as I could see wasn't going to be much better. On Christmas morning Gary and I got up. He was watching tv, and I was reading the newspaper. I started to read the letter to the editor part of the paper. There was letter from a woman from NJ writing to thank the family who made the decision to donate the organs of the man who had died on the highway. At that point, I just started to whell up with tears and Gary of course couldn't figure out why the paper would make me cry. I tried to read out loud to him, but I couldn't get it out and by that time I was bawling. The woman's brother had received Joe's heart, and surely would of died. It was a wonderful thing she did sending that letter. We were very sad, but we were also very happy to know that people were alive because of him. It made a tough Christmas bearable. So the best gift we ever got cost no more than the time it took her to write a letter and the stamp to mail it. (As a side note,Gary's parents eventually found out about all the people(info without names) he helped. And they did meet the man who got his lungs and became friends with him. They also are active members in UNYTS, the local organ donor group. Also the next year Gary's sister had a baby, the first grandchild. There's nothing like a baby to help lift people's spirits.) Ok, I've got to go to bed. Tomorrow is a long day at work, and then I've got to visit my baby brother and his family in the evening. Wishing you all a very Merry Christmas, Remy

LindaB, I hope you're still lurking out there. Though I love family gatherings, my husband does not, so I often go to weddings, funerals, family and friend functions and the like alone. When I arrive, my hosts and their guests demand to know why Hub is absent AGAIN! It's been like this for 42 years. Sometimes I don't want to go because I don't want to face the firing line again, but I always enjoy myself when I do. On the other hand, in the last few years Hub has become a wonderful, attentive host, attending to our guests needs and comforts like no other. He is a marvelous conversationalist in our home, but in someone else's, trying to make small talk, he is extremely uncomfortable. We have several dinner parties and a big bash or two a year. Maybe he's being standoffish as LindaC suggests, but I don't think so. It is who he is. Nothing can change that. I wish I could give you advice on how to handle your family, but I haven't any. Even though I've lived with Hub all these years, I'll never understand his reluctance (refusal)....I love family functions, Hub does not. It's a simple as that. As long as you continue declining with grace, be comfortable with yourself and your decisions and let the rest of them work it out for themselves. Sherry

HI again, Thanks all, for taking the time to respond. I do appreciate it. India won't happen for years, and let's face it, I'm not going to forego yearly vacations in order to save for that trip...we all work too hard to be saving for a big trip like that years down the road. And, it does need to be years down the road as he turns 6 in June (same as his 'sister' in India) and we just 'adopted' her last year. I would like them to have established more of a rapoort, letter writing, ability to communicate and understand each other...she doesn't yet speak English but will apparently learn it now in school...before we go there. She also lives in a very dangerous area at present. I'm not going there alone with a small child in tow....I may not even go alone with pre-teen in tow...I have travelled with friends and still found myself in precarious and scary situations in Asia and Africa...India is no different....and now- this is back to my original query :) If my fiancee can't be guilt-free enough to go to Disney without his 2 girls, he won't be getting to India with us either! And unlike me, he has not travelled the world, he is very envious of my travels and hopes that we get to travel together to some of these places.....but we need to sort this stuff out. So, will we also not be going to India without the girls??? And yes, India is maybe my son's #1 choice right now, but don't take that out of context and turn Disney into 'my' want.....remember in my first post, I did say that HE (my son) initiated conversation, he has been asking about it and having me 'google' pictures and videos and talking about it with his cousins. Yes, I would like to give him the opportunity- but is it for me?! Nope....I wish another family was going to Disney and wanted to take him along, I would only be too happy to avoid the commercialism and line-ups and hoopla....the only thing I would miss of course is making the memories with him, seeing his expressions, etc., can't miss that! Really, I would love to lie on the beach for a week- that would be MY choice...my job is cut-throat and so is my grad program...I would rather chill out. yes, guilt is an issue with my fiancee, and he will need to work on it. I'm hoping the counseling sessions and getting 'permission' to be somewhat of a disciplinarian in order to help his 12 yr old daughter by having some structure, rules, consistency, will help with this... plus the course he starts in a few weeks on parenting kids with behaviour challenges. I think he has worked so many hours that he doesn't 'trust' in his ability to parent in these difficult situations, his daughter's outbursts are scary and would probably scare most veteran parents. We will just have t work through this together. As to the money issue, it's not an issue as of now. Yes, I said I pay more than 50%, it's only slightly more than, AND, it's for our shared expenses only...his 'personal' expenses are not included in that (ie. child support, car payment, credit card, etc.). We each take care of our own personal expenses and share the joint/household expenses. So, I don't have to pay for a "lazy BM to sit at home" and take our money...he does. Nor would I, ever. And, where I live (Canada), I would never have to unless I became a legal guardian in a formal way, and/or he stayed at home instead of working 'by choice', and he would not be allowed to just avoid child support by being a 'kept man' or something...in that instance I would have to pay. That will never happen. As I said he is extremely hard-working. He works a full time job plus another more casual job to make the money he needs to, to pay for he and his girls' way. I hate emails...so much miscommunication :P I don't begrudge his time with his girls alone AT ALL! I encouraged and supported the camp idea (he and girls-alone a week each summer) that started last year and will continue...my son can't go for 2 more years, so I won't go either (they want to employ me as well - so my son could then go free as well) but until then, its them alone...fine - it's all good. I encouraged and am absolutely FINE with him going to the cottage with his girls each summer without us - I hope they go and 'bond more' this summer too! I know that a dad and daughter's relationship is absolutely critical to their normal development and socialization...that it will form how they see themselves in the eyes of the opposite sex, how they will learn to teach boys to treat them in a relationship, etc. He has to do everything to ensure that they are not left with anything else except of a feeling of love, respect, closeness, trust, etc., with him - I get that this is priority #1....although somewhat challenging given the limited time they have together, the behaviour issues that need to be overcome, and the undermining at our attempts to instill normalcy, routines, standard expectations of respect for self, adults and each other, and each persons' responsibility within their home, by the lack of any of this at the BM's home, or even at the grandparents. He is not comfortable with the idea of travel without them, but we can not take them everywhere everytime, so does he never come with us then? Do we travel/vacation as single parents or all together or nothing? This is my question. If the expensive camp, cottaging, girls going to Disney, etc is 'ok' without us, why is nothing we do without them 'ok'? The BM has had boyfriends, just no one serious enough to have stuck around thus far...but when that happens and they travel together as the 'family' that they will then be, is that what will make the difference? Surely if they get to vacation together, we (fiancee, son and I) can vacation together? But why would this make a difference? So, I need to wait for her to pick a boyfriedn that travels with them, or a stepdad for them? I'm now confusing myself! :P Ah..."special one on one time that my son gets with my fiancee"....that's half the issue here, and part of the reason why I would like him to come along! When someone works 60-70 hrs per week, and then fits in time alone with his girls, and is painting their home, fixing that home...all away from us...(girls and BM, and grandparents) live 40 minutes away near his full time job so to maximize time with his girls he will go from work to his parents where girls are often living, and stay in order to try and ensure healthy eating, help with homework, try to establish routines (videogames, bed time, etc)....as we live 40 mins away, my job (and whole extended family, etc) is 40 minutes in the opposite direction, so we aren't about to move any further away from my work and childcare...we are right in the middle and this is the best we can make it for the time being. So, with all this going on, he isn't at home with us much at all! We might get one hour before my son's bedtime, if we see him at all, sometimes for a couple of days at a time (if he is working night shift he will get off work, get his girls breakfast, take them to school, go to sleep at his parents, get them from school, get dinner, do homework with them, and then go back to work), yes, sometimes we might get a whole day with him on a weekend, but its rare... this is why I would like him to come on vacation. My son loves him to bits, is always asking where he is, if he's coming home, asks to sleep holding his PJ shirt :), but will whisper things in my ear that he is too shy to ask him himself, he never asks him to read to him or to play with him...because despite the years passing, he doesn't yet see him as another parent since there hasn't been the time spent to establish that type of routine with him. I thought we could at least vacation together...and goodness knows, working as hard as he does, he deserves to get away. And it is 'guilt', and not what he 'wants'....he even started toying with the idea of not coming for the whole week, but kind of 'sneaking down for a few days at the end, and flying back home with us". He doesn't really want us going alone, he will also worry about us, I know him. But he worries about what other people will say, think, and of course what would be told to his girls and if they would 'snub him' like they did post the 'engagement trip' in the fall, and only forgive him after copious presents were bought, restaurants attended, etc... He doesn't want the BM calling him a bad father or his parents judging him... The BM, although not 'enjoying' or optimizing her opportunities with fulltime motherhood from my perspective, has this as her sole identity (I think). She does not seem to wish to have to work and sees the 'full amount' of child support that she gets as her 'income'. In Canada, if we have the children even 40%, he could apply for a small 'break' from the set amount (according to his income) and have to pay less. She will never allow for this. Plus, its only a 'small decrease' in the amount. So, he would still be paying alot, therefore have to work alot, and then who is looking after the kids who would then be with us 50%? I also work long hours and have my mom and a daycare lady helping me. We'd be paying more money in childcare and travel/commute for others to care for the kids! Plus, his girls do not want to change from their present school/friends, and we can't manage that commute in opposite directions for work, school, etc. I would have to be a stay at home mom -oh wait! I can't afford to, and, his kids need him, not me.... Yes, the BM is happy to leave the girls with his parents alot, but that doesn't affect the amount of 'custody' or child support- so why wouldn't she collect max dollars and have other people care for her kids, that's her M.O. The garndparents will never say 'boo' to her, they would be afraid she would deny them access, but its a joke, she needs them too much so she can have her free time. By the law, she could technically choose to send them away to boarding school and collect full child support even though she wouldn't be 'caring' for them for their day-to-day needs. So, getting 50% custody/access doesn't help us unless we all lived nearby AND she agreed to less child support so he would be around to parent his kids. The grand parents live 5 mins from the BM and they take the girls to school, pick them up, etc., it doesn't disrupt their school, friends visits, and their choices (pizza, ribs and videogames!), like coming to our home does. If the girls had a choice, the 12 yr old would choose to live with her enabling grandparents (the no rules, coca cola and pizza and chocolates for dinner everyday-house), and the 8 yr old would still pick her BM at this point. Anyway...still wondering if anyone is in a 'similar' family footprint, and could comment on the vacation strategies/options/etc. After all, we can't 'fix' the BM, might not be able to change much in 12 yr old' s behaviours if BM and grandparents don't get on board with the strategies suggested for kids with these challenges...and the fact that he will always be paying (and therefore working!) this much is not going to change either. So, while I appreciate the 'heads up' re: red flags...I'm aware and trying to work on things I can control, the rest I just ensure that I'm making an informed choice on the matters...I'm aware...not ignorant of facts, not naive...smarter than him (haha - aren't all women?! lol), and I am sure to keep my concern for my son at the forefront of all decisions I make. My fiancee is a really good, caring, trustworthy, loyal and nurturing man....he is good with my son, he is a good role model (other than the guilt-ridden and confidence undermined by the 'system' keeping him working like a dog to pay for the kids and try to parent them alone with a fraction of the time or support that many other parents might get)... good people deserve chances. We all have our 'baggage', and just because his ex is a piece of work, he made a bad choice in her as a younger/stupider man, and his parents are oldschool european passive/enabling spoilers of kids who think tons of videogame time brings great hand-eye coordination :P...just because of this, he shouldn't be written off. He loves me and deserves me -lol :) , and I would be hard-pressed to find a guy as nice as him in the world, who loves me as he does, and who shares my interests. So, here I am...giving it a shot... hoping to go on a vacation with my son and the man I love.... maybe could this happen? Just askin' :)

It doesn't matter if it's your first, second or fifth marriage, you have to look out for yourself because nobody else is. A second wife should not depend on a guy anymore than a first wife should. I agree that it's fair to be compensated when you put your career on hold to have children and take care of the family, but it's not fair to think you will walk away from the marriage with a better financial position than the person that is the higher wage earner. It's not fair but life's not fair. If it were, men would be giving birth, not us. Your advice KKNY to not get involved with a man with children and not expect him to provide financial and other support is good advice. I wouldn't date a guy that didn't see or support his children. I also wouldn't date a guy that talked bad about his ex. But, the flip side to that argument is that when you get divorced, you have to accept that when he gets remarried, he legally obligates himself to his spouse and possibly more children. His obligation to his first family don't go away and they shouldn't suffer because he remarries, but if he is able to support the new family by increasing his income, then it doesn't impact his first family. The problem is that when the ex wife sees his income go up (or the added income of his new spouse), then she wants her share to go up too. If his income goes up and he doesn't have more mouths to feed, then maybe it would be fair to give more to the first family. MAYBE. It also depends on the ex wife's financial situation. I agree with Ashley that an ex wife can't sit on her duff demanding increases because he's working his butt off to make more. She's not married to him, she needs to do for herself... how pathetic is that? My husband's ex has gotten spousal support for 12 years on a marriage that lasted only one year. (Well, she hasn't finalized the divorce, probably because the court may stop her spousal support) She will continue to get it until he takes her back to court to stop it. My guess is that he is afraid they will increase his child support and reduce the spousal support (which is tax deductible for him) and so he lets it go.