Hi Trish (and others interested). I reread my last post and noticed that the last sentence of the first paragraph can be misinterpreted because I didn't place it in the proper context, so I would like to repeat it in the proper context here. The following paragraph was my response to your question: how do ethical vegetarians draw the line on what species are OK to kill and what species are not OK to kill? Here's a clue to understanding it when you read it: As it is in everything in life, people can only be expected to do the best they can do. Please, keep this in mind when you read it. Ethical vegetarians (people that don't eat animals for ethical reasons) are people that know that it's not necessary for humans to kill and eat animals. They prefer to live a life that doesn't result in animals being needlessly killed. Some go further than others and of course there are practical limitations. But, I think that all ethical vegetarians would agree that any effort to improve the lives of those of any sentient species is valuable and we don't want to needlessly cause suffering. Thanks :v)

I don't want anyone to get the wrong impression. DH is great. He isn't turning a blind eye to SS's behavior. He realizes there's at minimum an "attitude problem" going on. SS's behavior got worse after his biomom left (again) last fall. She tends to come (after being gone for years at a time), promise to be a real mom, hang around just long enough to make SS think maybe she really will this time, and then disappear which is where I think the majority of SS's behavior is coming from, especially the unconscious behavior aimed at women. The physical incident between the 16 and SS happened after the 16 yo didn't shut the van right and in SS's mind if something wasn't perfect, I might leave just like his bio mom so all his anger at biomom came out backwards at the 16 yo. There's only been one physical incident but in a household with austistic spectrum kids, it just takes one incident and they think there's the pattern. I really don't want to make excuses for SS but I do understand why he's acting the way he is. I'm just not sure how to help him, try to keep things fair in the meantime, and not walk around being constantly ticked off at him. I"m thinking this is going to be my plan of action. Let me know what you think 1- SS starts seeing a counselor - as soon as one can be found- period - I"m not his biomom and shouldn't be punished for what she did. I would never ever treat him or anyone that way. and most siblings of children with disabilities have problems adjusting or relating to them, why wouldn't a teenager thrust into the situation, especially with not just one sibling but 3? 2 - Anytime SS doesn't do his 15 min daily chore he will not leave the room the chore was to be in (even if I have to sit on him and he misses his baseball game, pees his pants, or I'm late for work) until he does (making DH enforce the rules isn't adding much to my credibility with SS - It's almost like SS wants me to be the one to punish him) 3- If SS doesn't mow the yard properly with the riding lawn mower, he will use the push mower, even if I or DH have to follow behind him the entire time and make sure he does it all. 4 - the attitude will stop. If he can't see that we all have to work together, I just might try the strike thing and see how much he likes doing his own laundry, own dishes, making is own meals (probably just sandwiches since he can't cook and I"m not buying special groceries for him to eat alone and he wont' eat leftovers). Maybe then he might come to the conclusion, that even if he doesn't realize it, we all work together and people are doing things for him. 4 - the lying, "storytelling, "smart alec comments", whatever you want to call them - I'll just immediately call him on it. NO more games, no more him trying to outsmart me, no more trying to catch him in the lie, just quietly, and simply state "that's bs and you know it" and move on 5 - any attitude directed at the other kids will become immediate and lengthy family discussion and we all know how much teenagers love those, most likely followed by a grounding where he's required to be around the other kids and has to get along - no going to his room, no going to friends, etc (I'm in the office only 3 days a week so this should be able to be closely supervised). 6 - as for unfairness in material possessions, they'll each just have a dollar limit for school clothes, etc. IF SS wants to blow all his on one pair of shoes and one pair of shorts, so be it - he doesn't then get to complain that he has nothing to wear. 7 - as for the homework, DH and I discussed at the end of the school year, that we can check on the computer for finished homework - if the homework shows as not turned in on Friday (too bad if the teacher forgot to update it), the TV from his room is gone (no more cable, no more video games, etc) and he spends each night until bedtime at the dining room table doing homework and has to physically show us the homework (the exact missing assignment and any current assignments emailed to me from the teacher) is completed before being excused - if he says he forgot it at school the principal has kindly volunteered to go open up the school for him (the principal just doens't want it to become a daily thing, but I think we'll only have to call this bluff a couple times) - this one is going to take a lot of time, but again I don't think it'll be something that will always require as much time, just follow up, once he sees we mean it ok what does everyone think?

That was written to be rhetorical. Obviously nobody gets married expecting to get divorced. You would have stayed with a cheater? Nobody wants their child to go through a custody battle or having to grow up in two homes. It's not what we dreamed of as little girls. But in reality, we have to make the best of our situation that we are in. I don't know what kind of work you do, but as long as you are able bodied and not relying on a fixed amount check (like social security or disability), then there ARE options, like changing the kind of work you do, where you can make more, etc. I had my first child at 17 and went back to get my HS diploma when I was 19 (and 9 months pregnant with my 2nd child at graduation) i had my 3rd child at 21 and by 22 I was left alone to raise my kids. I rode the transit bus to the community college to attend classes & walked with the stroller to get groceries. I also worked minimum wage jobs and got rides or walked until I finally saved up enough to buy a clunker. When I was 23 or 24, I got together with a guy that had custody of his 3 kids. I worked at Target (for just over minimum wage) while I went to school. He was a police officer that worked graveyard shift so I got the kids up and off to school, then I went to school, then to work. He was home when they got home from school & he would feed them dinner. I got home and put them to bed while he got ready for work and left. Eventually I got a job with the Department of Social Services and continued college. Our relationship fell apart when I was 29 and found out he had no intention of marrying me and I had raised his kids for almost 7 years(their mom was MIA). The hardest part of leaving was worrying I wouldn't survive financially. I never received any child support for my kids. I worked full time (4 -10 hour days) and that gave me a 3 day weekend, so I worked a part time then. Almost four years ago, I resigned & cashed out my retirement account. I used it to start my own company and I've been doing that for three years now. It's been very tough, I've only been married for a year. When I met him almost three years ago, he made more than twice what I did. He still makes about the same as he did then & I am now making more than him. If I had stayed in my old job with vacation/sick days and insurance/retirement benefits, I would be making about a third what I make now. So, I don't believe ANYONE that works has a "fixed" income. (and I am running my company, caring for my step mom and my 8 year old step daughter full time too)

I hope your brother is prepared for what he is getting into! I don't think it would matter if she told them she was cutting them off or he did they'll most likely still blame him since they are getting married and now they loose the support. Can he ever have a relationship with the kids. I'd say a lot of that depends on their personalities and expectations. There are way to many variables to give a pat answer. Two are adults, so if they can like your brother as a friend I'd say that would be pretty nice. A ten year old could definitely bond with him as Dad. If their Dad was abusive it is hard to say what kind of relationships or coping skills her children have in life, sounds like they had a pretty rough go of it. Counseling sounds like it would be a possitive thing for anyone willing to go. My Dad remarried after my mom was deceased two years. I didn't have a problem with that,however an older step sister had a very difficult time with the marriage, and still doesn't have a good relationship with my Dad. Some of that is the personality of the two of them though. The youngest of all was in third grade, she bonded to my Dad in a way the other two did not. I love my step mom, but she still isn't "mommy". They have been married 31 years. I have older sibs that were out of the home when the remarriage took place and they are friends with the steps, but don't look at them as parents.