There's no doubt that your MIL sounds like a horrible person. Here's the real question, though: given her history, the fact that you and your husband find her so toxic that you 'steer clear' of her, and that she has professed a lack of love for your other child, why in the world would you have allowed/encouraged/facilitated you daughter to cultivate a relationship with her? Clearly, if your daughter was at her home alone it was as a convenience to you or because the two of them have a relationship. If you refuse to be subjected to someone's vile personality, why is it ok to subject your child (who until very recently, based upon her age, had no say in the matter) to that persons ugliness? Yes, your MIL bears a great deal of blame in this situation, but you may too. Based upon the background you have provided, this type of situation or occurrence was expected. It was only a matter of time.

My inlaws are the only grandparents my kids have, as my own parents are dead. We didn't want the kids to have no grandparents, and prayed she would never mistreat them or say anything harmful again. She apologized after the way she spoke about my son, and he wasn't allowed to go over to her house until he was 5, and her husband was always there.

Every time they have been over their grandparents house over the years we have always asked them how they were treated. Up until yesterday, her volatile behavior has never been aimed at my daughter, or my son again since he was a baby.

Believe me, my heart is breaking for my daughter and wish this hadn't happened, but after 16 years of never being mistreated, there was no way I could have predicted that my MIL was going to break loose yesterday over something so mundane as a college discussion.

My daughter being over at my inlaws had nothing to do with me being inconvenienced,

if you found it necessary to question your children as to whether they were well treated, and found yourself praying that they would not be mistreated, you knew in your heart that they were not in a safe and loving place.

Your MIL sounds awful. It's too bad that your daughter had to find out in such a terrible way. I think therapy might be good for her, to help her to process all of this.

You had no way of knowing that this would happen. She was fine with your daughter for 16 years.

I'm so sorry this happened to your DD! She sounds amazing and good on you for raising such an intelligent and ambitious child.

Your MIL obviously should be off-limits until and if she gets help. I think she sounds like she might have something organic underlying such a volatile and nonsensical outburst.

With her history, and the fact that it escalated to an agitated conniption, I would try to voice my concern to someone who can help her.

She needs a medical evaluation and although I would try to find compassion for her wicked display, I would separate from her for the time being.

fraker - your response has brought me out of my lurking today. I also have a less than ideal MIL (not as bad as Jody's) and not only do I "allow" my DS to spend time with her, I encourage it. You have to live it to understand it.

@jdez, yeah it's called keeping the peace. If I hadn't let my inlaws see my kids, my MIL would be the martyr who deserves pity. She would never let my husband have a moments peace, making me the villain and my whipped FIL of course always takes her side because she "really is a very kind woman." He has never stood up to her a day that I have known them.

Your daughter has gotten old enough now to have something more to say than asking for cookies and milk - and the old lady can't handle it.

I say forget about what is wrong with the in-laws and provide the best
situation that you can for your children. If the in-laws need to be out
of the picture most of the time for that to happen then so be it - you
cannot do anything about how they are.

Exactly Jody! (Fist bump)

@Embothrium You are exactly right. My daughter has her own opinions and she is not afraid to voice them, and as I said in my original post, no one is supposed to contradict Queenie. She did tell my daughter that she wouldn't be inheriting the life insurance money now; my daughter told her she didn't care about her money.

Good for your daughter! My daughter was very outspoken from a young age. I think my mother, who was abusive to me, was scared of her. I kept them apart as much as possible.

"She did tell my daughter that she wouldn't be inheriting the life insurance money now..."

I love the petty threat of withholding a death benefit your daughter probably knew nothing about, nor cares about. The snarky part of me wishes to tell the old battle axe...oops, I mean MIL...that she can spend her dotage years a forgotten resident in a nursing home, and to sign over her death benefit to someone who gives a hoot. And yeah, I may be projecting a little bit here.

@BB Galore I do believe my MIL has mental problems. No sane person would ever speak to someone they love the way she has, even with a bad temper. She acts like a child. When she gets angry, she has to do everything she can to hurt you. What really bothers me is my FIL will never stand up to her. I've never seen such a whipped man. Maybe if he stood up to her she wouldn't be so damn hateful.

If there ever is a relationship between my kids and her again, it will never be the same. It's a pattern with her. She can now count on TWO fingers how many of her family are still speaking to her. She has alienated 5 brothers and sisters, one son, and now 2 grandchildren.

I am still in shock about her telling my daughter she didn't love her, never has, hates her and always hated her. I can't believe that is true, but those words have hurt my baby so much.

I can't stand that witch.

She sounds very toxic to me. I would not let my children near this woman. My MIL was like this. I kept my 2 young sons away from this woman for over 2 years. We lived in the same city and I felt bad for her husband as he was a wonderful man just like his son is. She was also hateful to another daughter in law. She one day showed up at her house with gifts she had bought for the grandchildren and gave them to them before I even knew she was at our home. She came to the door and before I let her in the house I gave her the rules. Not coming anymore unless she called and no talking about us behind our backs. Any of us. She felt like none of the daughters in law were could enough for her boys. We showed her my husband and I have been married for 53 years and my other sister in law has been married for 47 years. Yes we became her care givers as no one else wanted that responsibility. We did learn to tolerate one another.

Jody,

I know this 6 months old, but I just wanted to write to you for the sake of your daughter.

This same thing happened to me with my mom's mother when I was 18. Eerily similar with the comments toward not needing to go to college, and even highschool being a waste of time. Well, hell no. I wasn't top of my class in high school and applying to great colleges to do great things because it was "useless" - And I knew that. So I did exactly what your daughter did and stood up for my convictions. At which point she turned to start yelling and bashing my mom (on her birthday no less!) and we all got up, walked out, and did not speak to her for years. My immediate family (Parents, siblings, myself) broke off all connection with them. My next interaction with her was a family Christmas years later after I had graduated from college and was an adult; I had to listen her racist rants about someone in my extended family having an interracial relationship and when I stepped up to say something, her attitude was the same as the last time.

The few times I've seen her in the last 10 years have never been good, and I've continually realized that I don't need that negative person in my life.

I'm 30 now, successful in my career, and happy in my life: All without having to deal with that woman since I was 18. I wanted to say, it sounds like you are raising a great daughter. She's strong and courageous, outgoing and determined, and obviously going to go far in life. And I think her separating from her grandmother won't be a loss for your daughter. Your MIL is unlikely to change - hateful people are people who are scared of the world around them. It's a defense-mechanism, but it won't get better if she doesn't want to change.

Looking back on it, have I ever regretted cutting ties with my 'grandmother'? No. Sometimes the people you are related to, aren't the ones who are meant to shape your life. I've got amazing mentors and family friends that have taught me how others should be treated by showing my kindness, compassion, honesty, and empathy. Those people have meant more to me than that spiteful woman who I used to call my 'grandmother'.

Just wanted to let you know your daughter isn't alone - Sometimes breaking ties, as horrible as it seems, might be for the best.

My husband saw my FIL the other day in town. Of course the whipped man wouldn't say an unkind word for his witch wife. He never said he would like to come see his grandkids or even tell them he loved them. I know he has to live with that witch, but to have such loyalty to someone who has treated his grandchildren the way she has is just mindboggling.

He's a weak man. Shame.