I have long since forgiven myself for some dumb decisions early in my life, but wouldn't trade those decisions for what I have now, which include great kids and a wonderful, dear second husband. I do wish I had spent more time with the kids when they were little and at home, and I do wish I had gone back to school earlier than I did for my engineering degree. It was a huge changing point in my life. Girls were not encouraged to do this in the late 60's of course when I first went to college. I also wish I had not been afraid in my early 20's to go places alone and see the world. It just wasn't done much back in the day. Again, no regrets, just learned from it all, made up for it later, and encouraged our kids to go for it.

I don't think I would have done much differently. But I would say that at the time I saw only one path--straight through college and law school, with kids coming after. Then after working for about eight years we adopted ds and I decided to stay home with the kids, for some pretty compelling reasons. At this point I doubt I'll ever use my law degree again as it would be very hard to get another law job.

If a young woman asked my advice now, I would say that if you want a family it might work out well to get that college degree, then have kids, then pursue the graduate degree part time when the kids are in school. Then the degree is fresh when you are ready to job hunt. Not that it is a better path necessarily, just an alternative one that is worth considering.

The only regret I have is not urging my husband to take a job in Paris 2 years ago. We were concerned that my work would not be terribly transportable, and then soon after he turned down the job, my non-transportable work dried up!

My life has turned out pretty good so in retrospect probably best not to change anything. I ended up with a great husband (at age 21) and a nice career though I fell into that. At times I wish I would have been more career oriented in high school and college and maybe chosen a more rigorous curriculum even if it meant a lower GPA. For some reason I was rather focused on having a 4.0 GPA in college - not from the start but once I was on a roll I didn't want to ruin it. I had cancer when I was 15 and wasn't supposed to live beyond age 20 so I guess it makes sense that I just kind of bumped along and did what I liked and thought wasn't too difficult. Like I say my life turned out to be quite wonderful so I guess it was all meant to go down as it did.

Rose - You can regret a decision but still move forward
successfully. I am sure we all try to do the best we can and we when know
better we do better.

I know. Of course. Reading over my post it sounds like I was being jerky.
I wasn't. I typed it quick and didn't spend much time polishing it up.

I feel very strongly about this topic and that is does no good wishing you could change something. There are people out
there that don’t actually realize this. I think it’s terribly sad and a waste of our precious time here on
earth. There are lots of people that read the forum and don't participate. If that can sink into one person it's a good thing.

Not much. I thank myself at least once a week that I waited to get married until I'd gotten my degree, established myself a bit in my medical field so that I could pick and choose jobs when I relocated to Florida. There, I had the best life as a single. Great job and great friends. We spent most all our free time outside, active and having fun scuba diving, surfing, swimming, playing tennis and beach volleyball. I never even owned a tv until many years later. It was a very healthy lifestyle, for which I'm very grateful for now. And, when I met and married my DH, I was ready. We will be married 33 years this coming January and he's still the love of my life. If anything, like Mtn and others here, my biggest regret is probably not being more in the moment. With my kids and husband. Don't get me wrong, I think I was, and am, a terrific mom and wife, but being in the moment more on a daily basis is so important.

I want to thank Rose Abby for this starting this thread. I appreciate how much everyone here has shared about their past. It truly is a way of feeling very connected when we share our inner most feelings and are not afraid to do so.

If I had it to do over again with the knowledge I have now, I would've picked a terminal degree and gone to the end. I may get my Master's (I'm 48 now), but if I'd just been brave enough, strong enough, known enough... to have persevered, I'd likely have more to be proud of. I do love my work and workmates, but I could've contributed so much more. Maybe I still will. Never too late to go for it!

Thanks ellendi6161. I was also going to post a thank you to all for sharing once I thought the posting was slowing down but so far its going pretty strong. There are a few names I know that havent posted, hoping they still will.

There are a million things I deeply regret. Wish I would have been more accepting of my father as a child (he was an alcoholic-- I should have just loved him as-is). Wish I would have not worried about what I was good at and instead worked hard to be good at something. Regret my music degree. Regret marrying my husband. Don't regret my kids, though, not one bit. And yes, of course, the logic is that-- without my mistakes, I wouldn't have the kids I have, but that's pretty silly. Had I followed a different path and been happy with that path, I wouldn't know the kids I have now to regret not having them! Really, I wish a better life for my children than they have now, and that is a very deep part of all of my regrets. I am hoping for a moment of clarity that will show me the path I am supposed to be on now, so that I don't have regrets from this time, later.

What would I do differently?

Wear more sunscreen!

Anele, I sincerely hope you find that moment of clarity.

Oh, GOSH yes! Sunscreen! I would've slathered myself with it, instead of baking myself summer after summer after summer. ::sigh::

Oh, me, too (sunscreen). Hello, age spots! :/

(((Anele)))

I wish I would have gotten to do more stuff w/ my mom as an adult (she died when I was 23). We were very close and we did get to do a lot of stuff, but we didn't have the financial resources then that we have now and I now do a lot of stuff w/ my MIL and w/ my dad that I know MY mom would have loved. And I wish my mom got to meet my husband.

Nothing much could have been done about that since she had aggressive breast cancer. But I think about gifts of stuff we exchanged over the years and I wish we'd spent all the money on experiences instead. We almost never give stuff as gifts to each other or to my in-laws/dad now. We always give trips, really super fancy one-of-a-kind dinners out, etc.

I also wish we had some of her recipes.

I wish I'd been more considerate and kinder to my mother when I was younger. Ours was the typical mother/daughter relationship - nothing bad. But her life wasn't easy and I wish I'd been more tuned in and helpful during tough times. That's my life's true regret.

Most every other major decision I've made that wasn't ideal at the time likely led to things I wouldn't want changed now, if given the choice. My life's not perfect, but I feel very blessed.

Thanks, RoseAbbey and MizGG. I have only myself to blame, for better or for worse.

I read this post early this morning and I've been thinking about it all day, probably because I've been thinking about this subject quite a bit anyway, and feeling stuck because of decisions I've made. I really appreciate reading all of your thoughts-- there are many valuable insights here.

I'm 43 now, and for me, this phase of life has led to a lot of wishing I'd done some things differently. I am proud of what I've accomplished, and very grateful for all the opportunities I've had, for my wonderful son, and for all the good people in my life.

I got married when I was 22, right out of college. I wish I'd lived on my own as an adult, and taken the time to think through my priorities and goals for the future. My DH and I were very happy then, but we have matured into people with different goals and interests, and my marriage is very difficult.

I regret not fully realizing that my choice of profession (yes, an MSW!) would lead to frustration, burnout and low income. There are so many other professions that might have led to a better quality of life.

I regret wasting so much time worrying, and being anxious and depressed. I wish I had gone on antidepressants earlier and not seen myself as a failure for needing them.

I regret not developing healthier habits with food, exercise, etc, and allowing myself to get to how I look now. I deeply regret ever smoking that first cigarette.

And sunscreen!! I've had four skin cancers removed so far!

Like button in this thread really should be: "I really hear you and understand how you feel."

This is a really powerful thread; thank you all for sharing your stories so honestly. I like not dwell on too many things and look to the future, although I realize the door is shut on some things (or timing delayed). However, it is good to reflect back on the paths I didn't take, and where it might have led me today. Some circumstances don't change, however, and they inevitably influence your future.... so I try not to dwell on those "what ifs".

Things in my control? Maybe I would have been less responsible, more open and more of a free spirit when younger, and let my creative side run more free. But it's not too late to change that, or so I'd like to believe. At times, I feel like I should have headed off directly to grad school, but that may have just caused me to miss some great opportunities down the road.

(Ordering some more sunscreen, stat)

Je regrette rien.

I am that person who lived on my own, went to grad school and got married at age 43, so I have no regrets there. I had no interest in getting married at an early age or ever having kids. I owned my own small condo and two cars.

I changed jobs when I got married to DH. This job does not pay as well as my former job and it's a long story, but I sometimes wonder if I should have taken a slightly different career path overall and chased more money although I loved my grad school experience. I still work long hours, we are understaffed,and I have little free time which is not fun when you are in your 50's. I have to think about retirement and if I can do this 15 more years. But I am looking at what else I can do, where else I can go, and since DH is not that thrilled with his position either for long term, we can at least work on a plan.

As my 93 year old uncle lies comfortably, but in his final stages tonight, I regret that I didn't cancel my work meeting (was at work til 9:30 PM) and go to him instead. Pray that he makes it comfortably to the morning so I can see him one last time :(

Prayers, for you both, Butternut.

This thread has touched me deeply. Today, as I was doing some major cleaning and reorganizing here, my thoughts continually went back to this thread. And I prayed for forgiveness, for any unintentional hurts I may have caused. With my parents, grandparents, family or friends. Reassessing how we have acted or reacted to any situation helps so much in our spiratual growth.

(((((Butternut))))

to borrow from elledi61, (((((Butternut)))))

((((Butternut))))

Well said, Patty!

More hugs, Butternut. If you're so inclined to be by his side, I don't think you have anything to regret. It's clear you had a loving relationship with him all these years. Our relationships aren't defined in these final stages.

Hugs to you Butternut. And I agree, well said, Patty!

Ellendi said: "Like button in this thread really should be: "I really hear you and understand how you feel." So true!

This has been very interesting, moving, and powerful to hear our stories. I think we all have those 'what if' moments in our lives, but the trick is to not dwell on those, and like Lynn said, pray we have not hurt someone along the way. Not that any of us have ever used bad judgment, but remember that old quote, 'Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.'

I keep thinking about this thread too...

I think we need to take it easy on ourselves about the past. I've read so many examples above from all of you that left me thinking "Well, how would you have known?" Many decisions (like getting married, choosing certain career paths) certainly seemed like good choices at the time and probably prompted by natural personality tendencies.

Lately I've been focusing more on what I'm doing now that I may regret later. There's a small but powerful list, and unlike in my youth I have no excuse today for not working for change. For example a few months ago I posted a lengthy thread about my marriage and part of it was my evening alcohol drinking. I think I forced myself to write it down so I couldn't deny it. Since then except for the occasional social drink I've stopped the habitual evening drinking. I'm so grateful I made this change now because it's been relatively easy to break that habit. 5 years from now, who knows where I'd be on that slippery slope but I'd probably be looking back in regret.

Jlc712 your note above prompted me to write this. Stop looking behind you and look to where you're going. You have nothing but the here and now. Even the most subtle of changes can be powerful.

As I read thru the comments and try to think about my own regrets...everything that might have been a reget for me actually led me to something better, so I don't think I can regret a thing. Yes, I did some stupid things, like marrying a guy when I was 21 and leaving him 6 months later (the stupid part wasn't leaving, it was getting married in the first place). But if I hadn't married that guy, I might not have taken the job I had at the time, which is where I met the guy I have now been married to for 25 years. See what I mean?

Sunscreen. Yes, that's a regret. I am a big spotty mess now.

One of my favorite songs. "I Lived" by OneRepublic.

"I Lived"
Hope when you take that jump, you don't fear the fall
Hope when the water rises, you built a wall
Hope when the crowd screams out, they're screaming your name
Hope if everybody runs, you choose to stay

Hope that you fall in love, and it hurts so bad
The only way you can know is give it all you have
And I hope that you don't suffer but take the pain
Hope when the moment comes, you'll say...

I, I did it all
I, I did it all
I owned every second that this world could give
I saw so many places, the things that I did
With every broken bone, I swear I lived

Hope that you spend your days, but they all add up
And when that sun goes down, hope you raise your cup
Oh, I wish that I could witness all your joy and all your pain
But until my moment comes, I'll say...

I, I did it all
I, I did it all
I owned every second that this world could give
I saw so many places, the things that I did
With every broken bone, I swear I lived

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KINfQbfZwik

I would be afraid that if I had changed even one tiny thing that I wouldn't have my four children. There might be other children that look like someone else, but not the exact children that I have.

If we could have a crystal ball, would we choose to do things differently? If that were the case, we may have missed the experiences that made us who we are today. IMO, you either 'go' with them and accept, or fight against them, sometimes leaving you bitter.

MizGG, I was widowed at 27, with 3 little ones~I don't know what I would have done without mt wonderful parents who took care of me. I literally felt dead inside, going thru a horrific depression. It was over 2 years when a good friend recognized my illness, and 'dragged' me to a doctor for help.

My second DH passed away 4 years ago at age 69, i was 68. We had lived separate lives for 20 years, never chosing to divorce, and remaining friends in a platonic relationship for the good of our 5 children. We still celebrated all holidays and birthdays as a family until the day he died, Easter Sunday 2011. Being together with the kids made us happy, it was US, as a couple, who were not happy. Like youself MizGG, he didn't teach me things I needed to know, but am slowly learning. Thanks to his 44 years of hard work with a large corporation, I have a good life w/o worry. I was blessed to have had him in my life, and he is missed by so many.

One more regret. I wish I had exercised my upper arms so I wouldn't have bat wings now.

LOL dedtired

PattyCakes, thank you for sharing your story. If I could hug you right now, I would! I can tell you're a strong and amazing woman, and I'm so sorry for both of your losses. Choosing to open our hearts again after they've been shattered is very hard. I'm remarried to a widower, but pushed him away many times, out of fear. Luckily, he's extremely stubborn. :) But I would have come here and posted that as a regret, had I let fear rule my heart. Love is worth the risk .... I'd marry my late husband all over again, even knowing what I know now.

I suffered years of depression, as I had very little support. I am in awe of you, being widowed so young, and with 3 children, then widowed again. It's a very exclusive club none of us ever wanted to join. The 6th anniversary of his death comes next Wednesday, and it's already hitting me, as it always does. It both feels like yesterday, and 20 yrs ago. We miss him.

Thank you again for sharing. <3

My sister and I speak of our regrets too often-- but this thread made me realize something. It isn't fair to my DH that I should regret marrying him and stay married. Since I don't want a divorce, I am going to work really hard on fixing what I can change about me, and love him and accept him for who he is. As I wrote, I already regret not treating my father this way when he was alive (died when I was 13) so I don't want to make that grave mistake again. Thank you, RoseAbbey.

Oh Anele, I am so very happy you have found that moment of clarity that you were searching for. That is what I love about being part of this GW family, we are here to help each other, sometimes it happens in the most unobvious ways. I wish you all the best.

MzGG, and I for (((you)))also. When you're so young, you don't expect tradgedy to strike. It isn't in the vocabulary. I think my kids gave me the strength after my parents 'picked up the pieces'. Losing a loved one also gave me the gift of compassion. How can you know it without suffering the loss, first? I also learned to live life with a passion, for family, my home, my animals, anything which stirs that emotion. Needless to say, i'm OVER emotional! ;)

As for the anniversary of your 1st DH death, there should be NO guilt. You shared a life together, memories which will never be forgotte, and shouldn'.

As for the risk of loving, I'm 'open' to giving my heart away. With love, loss is always the risk, even enevitable, be it thru death or just circumstances. Knowing that, I would take the risk again. It's worth it.

In grade 11, on the first day of history class the teacher asked us to think if we had done something in our lives that we regret. After that pause he talked about regret, and to live each day of your life deliberately so that in 30, 40, 50 years we could still be happy with the answer to the question.

The answer didnt have to be that you have nothing to regret, if you have nothing to regret does might that mean you didnt try enough, push hard enough, risk failure often enough. Just understand the choices you have made to those regrets.

I have thought on those words, that day many times.

I would never have smoked. I dont smoke now, I never smoked much, I havent smoked for 18 years or so, but I would never have done so.

I would have had more sexual partners before getting married. This is something I cant really do anything about and still honor my marriage vows, but I really regret this.

One of my sons was critically ill when he was a toddler, I wish I had been a different person through that experience. I had to dig deep inside myself to be very strong, to fight for him, to push through that, but i feel that it left me harder than I was beforehand. I miss that carefree person, I miss how easily she laughed.

localeater, your comment regarding sexual partners before marriage is interesting. As I mentioned before I got married at 18 right out of high school, my DH is the only sexual partner I have ever had. Probably sounds strange in this day and age. I did have boyfriends before him but never let things get too far. I was a "good girl" as they say. I sometimes have wondered if I missed out on anything. DH always says when you have had the best you dont need try the rest..LOL....

RoseAbbey- I was a good girl too, though no quite as good as you. I am not complaining, I just regret that the double standards regarding sex for men and women held me back from experiencing the physical sensations I could have had in my youth. I wish that I had the foresight then to understand sex is normal healthy and fun. My mum was of the 'close your eyes and think of England' variety. It took a long time for me to leave that uptightness behind. I think the bundling of sex with moral righteousness which in my opinion is a leftover from pre-birth control era is abating. I am envious of the young woman of today who choose sexual partners and relationships without condemnation.

I understand localeater, I know you are not complaining either am I!

I dont get "close your eyes and think of England" phrase, what does that mean?

It's a reference to Victorian England. Sex for women was a chore, to be endured not enjoyed. It was only enjoyable for men. On their wedding nights, young girls were told that to bear the embarassment of the 'dirty' act they should close their eyes and think of England, of the sons, and daughters they would bear for the greatness of the nation.

That reminds me of what my dear mom told me as I was heading out the door to go on our honeymoon. She said "every wife has to go through it" She never talked about sex to me before or ever after that.

okay; I'd take better care of my teeth