I am so very sorry for your loss. (((Hugs)))

I was widowed 6 years ago; my husband, 48, died after a very long and brutal battle with Leukemia (and suffered severe complications after a bone marrow transplant). He'd had late stage Testicular cancer four years before, and after chemo, everything went well -- we thought -- until he got Leukemia from that chemo, which is rare.

Our daughter was 15 when he passed. We held his hands until he took his last breath, five hours after life support was turned off. It was still a horrific shock, I believed until the very end that we'd get a miracle. There was no preparing for or discussing death. It wasn't an option. I don't believe in the concept of pre-grieving, nothing can prepare for them actually being gone forever. There were no soft-focus Lifetime movie moments with heartfelt goodbyes. No, there was a man wasting away, in unbelievable pain, and us fighting every day for his life. I focused all my energy on him surviving, not dying. So hearing the nurse say it was over ... I felt like I'd been pushed out of a plane with no parachute. I just remember screaming, and not wanting to let go of him. I couldn't face that once I left his side, I'd never see him again.

We were married 21 years, together 23, and met when I was just 17 years old. He was my life, and losing him sent me into a hellish nightmare I didn't know how to survive. But I did, somehow, it just takes time and learning to accept the unacceptable. Early on, I found a wonderful support board specifically for widowed people, and talking to others helped immensely. Grief is hard work. I miss him every second of every day, but I can smile at memories now, rather than go to my knees sobbing with searing anguish, as I did in the first year. Certain days still knock me down (anniversaries, etc), but not as hard as they did. It will always hurt in some capacity, grief will be a constant companion, but I've learned to co-exist more peacefully with it, and it's quieter now .... not ready at any moment to wipe me out. It does become easier to cope with over time, as life evolves.

It is so painful watching our kids grieve and suffer this loss. My daughter and I clung together like two people in a lifeboat on the stormy sea. I tried to find a healthy balance of staying steady for her (even on days I could barely muster the energy to shower or eat), but letting her see me grieve, too. And encouraging her to open up, and share her pain. We tried counseling in the early months. I did realize later that in those early months, she held her grief in, until she saw that I was better able to cope with the worst of mine. It seems to be common, after hearing from other widowed parents. Our precious kids trying to be strong for us. She is now in college, Dean's List, volunteers, and I'm so proud. I know her dad is, too. They were extremely close, she was always his little shadow. She is so much like him! It's bittersweet, to see his looks and mannerisms in her. It hurts, but makes me smile, too.

I won't write a book here of my past six years, this is long enough .... I just want to send my support and understanding to you and your children. Please be gentle with yourself. <3

I'm so sorry for your devastating loss.

Thank you both so much. Your comments meant a lot. My kids and I have a strong support system with our church and family and that has really helped. It is still a shock to me that my best friend and husband is no longer here with me. I miss him so much and I know that with time it will get better. I have learned to lean on God and my children are amazing. They encourage me and I know their Dad would be so proud of them. My husband's birthday is coming up soon as well as mine (husband's b-day is Oct. 22 & Oct. 24) and also our wedding anniversary is Dec. 23. I am preparing myself for the holidays since this will be the first without my husband. I think about my husband every day and I reflect on all of our good times together and that helps me as well.

I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. I wish you strength always and pray you will have extra strength during the holidays. The way you speak of your relationship- I can tell he was a very special man.

I am sorry for you loss also. I feel your pain. I never thought it would happen to me and after 4 yrs its still hard to believe he's gone. Sometimes I think its harder now. It's been so long I know its real and he's not coming back. It just never stops hurting. It will get easier to live with but never the same. We were together 40 yrs. Never long enough.

You are so right JoAnn. It's never long enough no matter the amount of years especially when you're with the right mate.

I also recently lost the love of my life. My 49 year old husband passed away from a massive heart attack in Feburary of this year. He had been diagnosed with early onset atypical Parkinson's about 2 years ago. So I assumed I would naturally also take on the roll of caregiver in the years to come as his disease progressed. Needless to say I was shocked by his sudden death. I completely understand so much of what you said. We would have been married 27 years in April. He was my best friend, my soulmate. I miss him so much. Like you, I know where he is and that I will see him again one day. I know that even though it's painful, it's part of God's perfect plan. But oh how I want to see him, talk to him, feel his arms around me again! He truly made me feel loved. I pray that God will continue to give you and your family strength. Thank you for posting.

I am so sorry for you having to endure such sorrow. I lost my first husband when I was only 33 and had 3 small children. I was at a total loss...we did everything together and were also business partners. I stayed widowed for 26 years while I reared our children. Every time one of them graduated, married, had grandchildren etc., it was like a knife in my heart because he should have been there for the occasion.

Time passed and in 2000, I married another fine man and was married only 10 years and he had a heart attack and died....so I am alone again. But time goes on and I try my best to live for my children and grandchildren and wait for the time when God calls me home.

Hold on to your precious memories and I send you hugs.