Death of my spouse age 46
agvirtuous
8 years ago
Featured Answer
Sort by:Oldest
Comments (9)
Miz_G
8 years agolast modified: 8 years agoMeris
8 years agoRelated Discussions
How to live after the death of a spouse
Comments (42)I lost my husband of 38 years 30 days ago and it has been so hard. He needed a liver, which was diagnosed in June, he was in and out of the hospital. His last stay was for six weeks and until the last couple of days I just knew he was going to get one. I was devastated when I lost him. I feel empty and lost. even though we have 3 wonderful grown daughters it is not the same. sometimes I feel like I cant go on without him. I feel like a I have no purpose. Everywhere I look or go, reminds me of him, my heart hurts so much. I know that God doesn't give us more than we can bear, and I am trying to believe that but its hard. I have my family,friends and church but its still so very hard. I know life goes on but I feel at a standstill and don't really want to go on. I feel like it was just happened yesterday, its just been so hard to go on....See Moresudden death of husband at 46 years of age
Comments (34)I'm so sorry. You'll never be the way you were, nor would you want to be; as you said, he was your true love, & he wouldn't want you to grieve & be miserable & not enjoy, relish, & revel in the life you still have on this earth with your/his children. You are a vibrant young mother with 2 dear children tethering you to this earth; your mission here is important & it won't be complete for many many years. Your precious sons are the next links in your beloved husband's chain of life, & you're the one who can nurture their connections to their roots, for their sakes & for the sakes of their children., Please take care of yourself, in every way. Eat right, don't drink, make sure you see people every day (isolation is an enemy). Grief is deep & dark, but depression is a physical malfunction that can be beaten. Get outside that house & get your heart pumping; oxygenated blood is the best medicine for...well, many things. I know you don't feel like jogging or playing tennis or swimming, because not wanting to do anything is a symptom of depression. Make yourself do it anyway. If you can't summon the strength, have someone call you every morning & tell you to get up & get dressed & get outside. I always managed to get up if I knew someone was on the way over to take me to jazzercise, etc, somebody who wouldn't be embarrassed to bang on the door & holler at me to get my @ss out there. & go to your doctor: this is the year 2014, & there are sophisticated medicines out there these days to help you. Enlist some help; go to your family, friends, neighbors, church family, people at work, people you meet in the grocery store (seriously, I've found that saying "what a beautiful hairdo!" or "is that the best peanut butter?" provides a tiny little spark of human contact that really helps you to keep putting one foot in front of the other). & this may sound off the wall, but do something for someone else: it lifts the spirits & affirms...something, I don't know what. I do know that researchers have discovered that giving makes people happier than getting, or as our grandmothers said, it really is 'more blessed to give than to receive'. I wish you the very best, including a long & satisfying life, filled with the memories whose pain will fade in time, leaving only a sweet joy....See MoreMy spouse is retired...
Comments (13)You are not wrong for feeling that way, but after 5 years, it's highly unlikely he's going to suddenly change on his own. Life appears to be more than ok.....for him! As women, we sometimes just want those big lugs to figure it out on their own because it will just make us feel so much more valued that we didn't need to tell them what we see as the obvious. My experience is sometimes ya just gotta lay it out there. So just because you didn't have "the talk" before, doesn't mean you can't have it now. I wouldn't even presume to tell you exactly what approach to take because you know him better than we would. But I do know that with my husband, if I broach any topic when I don't have his full attention is doomed to fail. Insert sporting event, on his laptop/PC, online shopping. I find conversations in the car to be productive. Used to work with my kids too. Captive audience. No shame in saying that you're feeling spread pretty thin and need some more help. Not sure what his skill sets are. If he's a passable cook, no reason he can't throw together a casserole from time to time. Even say he's going to be responsible for meals on Monday, Wednesday, Friday. Whatever you work out together. Get on a schedule to check the pool water......does he do other pool maintenance? Even if he's never actually paid a household bill, he should be very aware of what the household expenses are via regular "family meetings". I pay the household bills but my husband is acutely aware of all the details. If you can shift some other responsibilities his way, maybe the bill paying won't bug you so much. I wouldn't turn that one over until I really trusted he could go it well. Laundry? Change the sheets weekly? Why not? There have to be enough chores that you can both agreeably distribute. Good Luck! Looking forward to see what's he's making for dinner next week :)...See MoreShould spouse pay rent?
Comments (89)"why would parents repeatedly tell their children that they inherit something? why would this topic even come up? how would it start: hey i am going to leave you XYZ. lol repeatedly their whole life? why? I can see how maybe when they wrote the will they said something...but repeatedly tell them their whole life...what for? I get upset to think of my parents dying, as I watch them getting older, why would they be bringing it up my whole life?" In my case, I suspect it was a need on my Dad's part to periodically "set the record straight" because SM (for many years GF) brought up money issues incessantly. (Generally with the theme being "gimme, gimme".) I never once brought up these issues. My Dad got together with SM when I was 13 and inheritance (again, among many other money issues) was already being brought up then, long before I could even really comprehend the issue or had any reason to imagine my Dad would ever die (kids don't think about stuff like that). Another major talk occured when I was about 18 (surprise, surprise), then another one when I was about 20, then again when I was 24, then again when I was about 29, then several after he got sick when I was 30 up until he died when I was 32. His statements were always pretty much the same, with his wishes being to pretty much split everything he owned 60/40 (SM's favor). The only major change occured when *I* told *HIM* that I didn't think it would go well if he left the house for me and SM to split thusly, that it could cause any number of problems for both she and I. I told him he should just leave her the house outright. He then took it upon himself to arrange things so that his intended 40% to me was maintained by allocating other assets to me, but I had not asked him to do that. Overall, his wishes stayed the same for years, even though SM kept insisting she should have more. And even though she might have *expected* that she could make him change his mind. One very crucial little encounter, especially in hindsight, really drives home the point to me why he kept feeling this need to "set the record straight". (Sorry in advance to those who've read this story before... and sorry, too, that it's a little long.) It was about 1996, I was about 20, and my SM and I had gone last-minute holiday shopping together. I had only so much cash on me, which I'd used up on presents for my Dad (and her, btw) and others. We were kind of far from home and really hungry, and discussed going to the McDonald's that was on the way home. But this decision became a full-on philosophical crisis for SM, as she agonized out loud: "Hmmmm... well what should we do? I mean, you don't have any money left to get anything." And I said: "I can pay you back when we get to the house, I'm really REALLY hungry..." and after some serious moral rumination she finally agreed that was do-able. In hindsight, I think she was so consumed by her one-track mind obsession that as an ADULT, I, stepchild, should not EXPECT ---literally--- a dollar for ANYTHING that it next precipitated the following exchange, once we were inside the McDonald's eating our Happy Meals: SM: "You know, when Dad dies, everything's going to me. And then, when I die, if there's anything left, you'll get it at that point." ME: [bewildered as to where in the heck this subject was suddenly coming from] "Why are we talking about my Dad dying? Is he sick or something?" So over a decade later, when I finally had the nerve to tell my Dad about this little exchange (b/c he asked why I don't trust SM), and when he reacted with shock and said "I never told her that!", I believed him. Because in all those times he sat she & I down and told us what's what, that little plan of hers didn't enter the convo. I believe she was either 'testing' me out, trying to get some kind of rise out of me to start a family feud, or living a freakin' delusion in her brain. Which to me clearly illustrates why my Dad kept feeling the need to divest her of her persistently unfounded expectations. Which leads back to the orginal question. So to sum it up I think the reason my Dad regularly had these "sit-downs" with us all together about his will and what would happen is precisely because he wanted us both to hear the same thing out of his mouth at the same time in case either of us [she] tried to pull some deceptive little crap on the side. And he didn't want either of us having expectations that would be disappointed... especially her, apparently. My point with all this is that the situation that some SP's may view as "typical" ---that is adult kids "demanding" an inheritance--- is just simply not always so. Sometimes it's adult spouses who "demand". That's the main difference with my story, and perhaps it's unusual. I'm sure there are plenty of bratty, spolied adult stepkids who not only DEMAND an inheritance but who mean-spiritedly believe their parents' spouses should get nothing. I can honestly tell you that even though my SM has been a royal arse to me for many years, I would never think she deserved to get NOTHING, or less than what my Dad promised her in my presence....See Moreagvirtuous
8 years agoacadiafun1
8 years agoJoAnn_Fla
8 years agoagvirtuous
8 years agosrsmith
8 years agophoggie
8 years ago
Related Stories
FUN HOUZZ14 Things You Need to Start Doing Now for Your Spouse’s Sake
You have no idea how annoying your habits at home can be. We’re here to tell you
Full StoryBATHROOM DESIGNHow to Design an Accessible Shower
Make aging in place safer and easier with universal design features in the shower and bathroom
Full StoryMOST POPULAR4 Obstacles to Decluttering — and How to Beat Them
Letting go can be hard, but it puts you more in control of your home's stuff and style. See if any of these notions are holding you back
Full StoryLIFEHave the Kids Left Home? 16 Things to Consider
‘An empty nest is not an empty heart’ and other wisdom for when the household changes
Full StoryLIFEWhen You're Suddenly Solo at Home
Whether you stay in a home alone or move on, these strategies from professional organizers can help you with the process
Full StoryLIFERetirement Reinvention: Boomers Plot Their Next Big Move
Choosing a place to settle in for the golden years? You're not alone. Where boomers are going and what it might look like
Full StoryECLECTIC STYLE5 Reasons to Hit That Secondhand Store
New things have their place, but old things have a history and beauty all their own
Full StoryLIFECreate a 'Forever House' Connection
Making beautiful memories and embracing your space can help you feel happy in your home — even if you know you'll move one day
Full StoryHOUZZ TOURSMy Houzz: Cozy Country Meets Bohemian Artistic in Australia
Healthy helpings of salvage and rustic art give a pastureland home free-spirited style
Full StoryBATHROOM DESIGN14 Design Tips to Know Before Remodeling Your Bathroom
Learn a few tried and true design tricks to prevent headaches during your next bathroom project
Full Story
agvirtuousOriginal Author