I'm teary-eyed over the beauty of the letter and also over the thought that she didn't realize all this until her mother-in-law passed.

I am crying here too. I miss my Oma so much and she has been gone for over 25 years.

Every grandparent is one parent's in law, I'm not sure why that's relevant.

With no intent to offend anyone, there's something about this piece that makes me question if it's fiction or non-fiction.

Undoubtedly, it's fiction, but that doesn't diminish the universal message.

snidely, truly no offense, but I think there is a nuance to this relationship that may be escaping you because you're male. Women are about inclusion. We want to belong and when we love, we include. The woman writing the letter could be any woman. But... maybe the letter would be better entitled "Something Every Daughter in Law Needs to Know When you Become a Mother".

Since I had my son much older in life, I've tended to enjoy my son more like a more removed person might. That may not make sense, but I learned pretty early on, it's better to show him how, inform him, and let him fail or fly at things than it was to control what he did. Because I did, I can enjoy him right there alongside my sister by marriage, or my mother, or my mother in law did. Even though I'm no longer married, she'll always be my sister since she loves my son as her nephew. For instance.

Woman-woman relationship is hard to get if you're on the outside looking in.

I have to agree with Snidely. But, I agree with Rob too. Here's how I look at things. We do the best that we can with what we have at the time. There are reasons why I have done things,and maybe I would have liked to have handled them differently, but what I did made sense at the time.

I never look back with regrets.

It's great to see the best in others, and it's easy to do especially when it doesn't involve you.

Sometimes to the outside, things can look petty. Others don't know the years of history that have gone into your relationships.

I didn't read it as fiction, really, but I only skimmed when I got to all the "I wish you could come backs". I've known women who'd had this kind of mother in law. It starts with "You always stole my thunder." It sounds to me like the MIL was difficult, and wasn't particularly respectful to her daughter-in-law. What the DIL figure out after she was gone, however, was how wonderful her unconditional and doting love was for the children, and that it didn't spoil them, as she'd always worried it would. That was the point of the piece. That the woman didn't look at the MIL from the grandchildren's point of view, and that she didn't appreciate having someone else having a mother's unconditional love for these children until she lost that companionship.

SW, the point of it being the mother-in-law is that the mother didn't grow up with her, but had to accept her as a parent figure, as opposed to if it had been her own mother. Different relationship.

rob and p-log, I stopped scanning not long after starting. It struck me as an immature, jealous rant that got gratuitously drippy.

Irrespective of gender, whether with in-laws, other relatives, friends, or whomever, having any amount of jealousy or resentment will poison any relationship.

Just to survive, I had to be a realist from about the age of four. So I find it odd that some people might need to be told these types of fables just to understand themselves! Revisionist historians and their stories, whether fiction or simply those that become fiction with their alterations, are not my idea of something to hold up as examples from which to take life wisdom. The time to honestly assess relationships (and life events) is during the living of them. When people whitewash sections of their life after the fact, they are not being honest with themselves. If you are not capable of even being honest with yourself within the solitude of your own brain, then your critical thinking skills are severely compromised.

Of course, being such a strict realist means my interaction skills suffer in the trade-off.... :-)

I read it and got teary eyed...over something I've never seen, will never experience and honestly wonder if it is just the stuff of fiction. (Guess I'm a cynical realist like gyr)

My maternal grandparents died before I was ever born. My mom was raised by her oldest sister who always treated her "real" grandchildren better than she did me or my brother. As an adult, from her perspective I understand. She took in her sister when she (my mom) was 11. She "raised" her but it was always her sister, not her daughter. We were her niece and nephew and, while she cared for us, she wouldn't take off work and save up vacation time to travel half way around the world to see us but she did it frequently for her grandchildren who were living in Germany at the time. As a child, it just hurt because she was the only Grannie I knew and it was obvious that she favored them over us. She tried to make up for it by spoiling us when we were with her. Shopping trips, new clothes, treats, etc. I always liked getting new things (what kid doesn't?) but I remember, even at 10 years old, asking my mom why Grannie wouldn't be here for my school play.

My paternal grandparents retired when I was 4 and spent their retirement years traveling. They were "home" for Christmas where they lavished gifts on us grandkids but they were never there; I had no real relationship with them until my grandmother was dying and they couldn't travel anymore.

I find it hard not to judge them. I really do feel that everyone should be free to live their life the way they want to. But at the same time, I look at my kids and think about when they have kids and I can't imagine anything in my life being more important than being involved in their lives and watching them grow.

I guess I'm just a family oriented person.

I have no qualms with my MIL. She is a nice person who tries to spoil my kids but...much like my own grandparents, she is never there. It feels more like all the spoiling and gifts is an attempt to "buy" love.

I'm not jealous of her or her gifts, even when they are nicer than mine.

She doesn't know my kids. She has to ask me what they are interested in for gift ideas and she only lives 15 minutes away.

She is more interested in living her life and doing the "obligatory" grandma thing when it is expected.

I guess my (and my husbands) lack of what I would consider "true grandparents" is what spurred us to live next door to my parents.

My kids are extremely close to Nana and Papa. They have everything I always wished I had.

Knowing my luck they will grow up feeling smothered by all the familial closeness and do a complete 180.

Isn't that what kids do? ;)

snidely, if you only scanned it why are you offering an opinion? ;) If you read it to the end, deeply, you would see she was setting up what she truly wanted to say.

Men don't like that. They want the point first. Ya see what I did there? :)

There is a lot to be said for sometimes saying nothing.

It made me tear eyed too but then I'm a sucker for sentimental pieces. But I'm also a realist and whether the letter is fact or fiction I have to state that I don't want to be like that grandmother. The writer developed a wonderful, absurdly picture perfect, Norman Rockwell image of a grandmother. Yet if that grandmother did exist then she choose to treat her grandkids the way SHE wanted without any regard to her DIL's feelings or house rules. It just seems a tad selfish.

I hope when my DIL has children that we're able to develop a partnership in the process. I don't think it's necessary to parent and grandparent identically but I can't imagine just doing whatever I wanted without considering my son and DIL's opinions. I do hope I'll have the opportunity to 'spoil' them a little, make their favorite meals and give them special little treats.

rob, don't dwell on quickly chosen (and probably poorly chosen) wording. Drop "scanning" and my comment should be more clear.

You "I stopped scanning not long after starting" still comes across as you didn't read it? Not very clear. If you don't actually read the full letter, how can you get the full message?

;)

I'm usually the one who's too pedantic.

Must be a slow day for you.