This was the thread that helped me put a name to the style of garden that I love best. I have been working towards the cottage style for many years and never get tired of the evolution of it. Loved reading them all again today. Cheryl

I have a very similar story as tiredoffighting its a hard situation to be in but for me i have full custody of our grandaughter who is 7 years old and severley handicapped!! I dont know why i love him so damn much i keep asking myself over and over!!! I also feel trapped because i do need his help with our grandaughter. And i have had a hip replacement and a back surgery i have osteoprosis along with other bone/muscle diseases. I cant get a job because i have to care for the girl. Plus my medical problems its a catch 22 situation. Hes so mean to me he will not give me money for anything hes on porn sites live chat sites and now dating sites im so upset all ive done is loved him. I dont know what ive done or what im doing wrong or even if iam doing anything wrong for him to treat me so bad!!! Even if i ask him a question he sighs and answers like iam bothering him and hes so disgusted with me and he cant stand the sight of me it hurts so much!! And the fact he would rather watch porn or whatever he does on his phone. And pleasure himself than to have sex with me!! To me thats a real kick in the teeth!! I dont know if iam right or wrong but to me thats a form of cheating!!! He doesnt tell me he loves me or hugs me at all unless i hug him first or say i love you even when he does you can just tell its with all his effort to say i love you or to hug me its just an arm around my shoulder with no meaning behind it!! WHY THE HECK DO I LOVE THIS GUY DO MUCH!!!! Iam so scared to be alone to move outta my home to be lonley and i need his help with the luttle girl!! Iam so damn scared to make a step and for fear of regret!! Ive had so much loss in my life including my oldest son comitting suicide. Any help and advice would be greatly appreciated thanks everyone have a great day sad me

None of my kids were diagnosed ADD and I'll admit I am a bit biased regarding ADD/ADHD diagnosis because I feel it's 'overdiagnosed' and many kids that don't have it are diagnosed with it and needlessly medicated. I'm not saying your SO's son is or isn't but I have to admit my bias and lack of experience with a true ADD/ADHD situation. However, I do have three grown kids. None of them got their driver's licenses until after they were 18 and it was by their choice. I would have liked them to get it at 16 but all three of them said no. I was baffled by that but now they are all licensed drivers. My youngest is 18 and got hers last week. My sons are 19 & 21. I can also relate when you say he thinks he's an adult because he's 18. I went through this with my sons more than my daughter, but they both decided that once they were 'adults', they didn't have to follow rules, can stay out as late as they want, don't have to come home at all (or even call), etc. It's taken a lot, I mean A LOT of tough love with those two. I did not kick them out but I did lay down the law and told them if they don't abide by my rules in my house, they were welcome to leave. My older son packed up his car the day after he got it, quit his job and was going to move back to the town where all his friends were. That lasted a week and he came back, now he was jobless and when he thought he would 'kick it' at my house, not work and be a 'grown up', I let him know the rules hadn't changed. He left again and bounced from couch to couch because nobody would put up with it. My mom enabled him for a year when he begged me to come back and this time, he did get two jobs but moved out when I wouldn't let him bring a GF home. So, he left (that was about five or six months ago) and he got an apartment with a guy from work but when the guy moved, he also had to move. He joined the Army and went off to boot camp last week. I'm proud that he decided to join, even though I was not happy he did it, I'll support him. I just wonder if he's going to be able to live with their rules if he found it so hard to listen to me and mine. We'll see. My middle child is very smart. He finished HS a year early and started college. He has also had the 'I'm 18 so I'm an adult' and I gave him the same speech my older one got. He does not want to leave my home, but he also doesn't like following the rules. If I don't stay on top of it, he tests the boundaries constantly. As long as I am on top of it, he has done what I ask. Of course, he blames my husband for my consistency and I admit, I was not so consistent when they were growing up and I was a single working mother. I didn't always have the time/energy to be consistent and that, I take responsibility for. But, he is also learning through a little bit of tough love that he is a grown up when he starts acting like a grown up. We helped him get a car (because grown ups get their own cars... we made him pay for half) and it was an older car that we told him he needed to do regular maintenance, check the oil, water, etc. and he didn't. He never did anything but put gas and drive. The radiator started leaking and he continued to drive it. Now, it has been sitting in the driveway for almost two weeks because it overheats every time he drives it. He doesn't know how to fix it and he refuses to ask my husband to help him with it, which he has a right to but a grown up would have to figure it out. So, now he has mom driving him to school and picking him up (or one of his friends does). It did adjust his attitude a little when he realized he can't drive himself anymore. He also has to be reminded to do his chores (which is not much... mostly cleaning up after himself) and when he argues, I simply open the front door. He has a choice, because adults have choices. If I choose to ignore my creditors, they will take things away from me and sue me. If I choose to not pay my bills, I will be sitting in the dark with no phone or computer. If I choose not to work, I have no money for food, gas in my car, or other things we need. My daughter is a different story. She's never given me any problems but she does get into a mood where she can have an outburst and a couple hours later, says sorry & I love you. I don't know how severe your SO's son's outbursts are but I know my daughter doesn't like conflict and maybe bottles up feelings until she bursts and lets it out and then she'll feel sorry for things she says or for getting that angry and I'm concerned about that. She really needs to learn how to express herself and I think she is working on that. She doesn't like to hurt anyone's feelings so she keeps it inside when someone upsets her. In your situation, it sounds like dad has been a softy and enabled his son for a long time. When my kids were very little, my dad had a talk with me and told me that if I don't stay on top of it, I was in trouble because my kids outnumbered me. I was a single parent of 3 by the time I was 21. I was too lenient and inconsistent when they were small and by the time they were going into middle school, I was having some serious problems with them (boys). (I wasn't always as controlling as I am now, I was pretty much a doormat I think) I decided I needed to stop being so soft and I admit I parented a lot from guilt over them not having a dad around, but I stepped it up and did what I had to keep them in line. They were not happy with the changes and it was very hard because I felt guilty that I had raised them to be used to walking all over me and now I expected them to listen to me, follow stricter rules and they didn't like it one bit. (and it was hard for me to stand up and do things differently than I had done all their lives) Then, I met my husband and a year later, when he moved in, he was supportive of me and I was even more consistent than I had been. That was when my oldest son moved out... just before my husband moved in. He didn't like ME telling him what to do, he sure didn't want my husband to tell him anything (or to be supportive of me as my husband would step in if my kids try to argue: ie. 'don't talk to you mom like that' or 'your mom told you to XXXXX'.) I would say that you and SO need to stop worrying that he is never going to manage his own life because if you are worrying for him, he doesn't need to worry about that himself. If he thinks he is an adult, treat him like an adult. Adults have responsibility and rules. It's not a picnic to be an adult. I think it's funny when my SD says 'when I am 18, I'm going to eat as many twinkies as I want.' because she can't eat the whole box now. She's 9 and they think 18 is a magical age and they are somehow transformed into 'grown ups'.

I have 12 and 14 year old dd's and a 19 year old son. Not from the big city but close enough to be exposed in every way. Friendships, sports, academics etc. I graduated from a huge school. My almost 15 year old wouldn't even consider dating a 19 year old or anyone for that matter. She does see guys at friends homes, often randomly at the theater and other activities. She is just starting to wear some makeup, her friends a bit more so. Her friends are very athletic so makeup is minimal. (Nothing like mascara running down the face during a game) She is one of the fortunate girls in this country who's class is run by the good kids. These honor roll girls have two original parents, most are god loving, involved and have rules. (no problem with single parents, this just happens to be her friends situation) I'm talking about a dozen girls. They are right now just thinking about dating. In order to maintain some happy medium, the alternatives to the hormones are group gatherings at the movies, sport events, bowling, dances, bonfires at homes, swimming, and church youth activities which usually involve group sports, lazer tag, home movies and motivational speaking(ers). Until she turns 16 she's stuck with that. I don't see any reason for her or her friends to be dating 19 years olds. Sure they can talk, have some laughs but that's all. I have no doubt that high school/college relationships can grow and be wonderful but I feel my dd would benefit as a single girl, having the freedom to run with her friends unencumbered until she is mature enough to handle the ups as well as the downs that come with commitments. Strange as it sounds they , so far, have liked having our rules. Daisyinga makes a truly valid point.