Should Estranged Son Be Notified When His Father Passes?
veronicasgrandma
8 years ago
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Comments (16)Dear Adaughter, There are many qualities that your mother shares with mine. I don't remember hearing "I love you" from her until I was 23 and getting married. She was not affectionate in our home yet when we would travel to her sister's home I would stand back and watch her hug and show other physical affection to my cousins who were just a few years older than I. Still, while in their home, she did not show that to me. She was either extremely critical of me or proud when I achieved the near perfection in school that she could brag about. There wasn't an in between with her. I was estranged from my mother from the ages of 20 until I married at 23. She disowned me because I moved in with my boyfriend. She wrote me horrible letters and refused to allow anyone in the family to see me or talk to me. If they would have they would have paid dearly. When I became engaged I went to her and told her. She wanted to plan a big church wedding and act as though nothing had happened. I said no and that we were going to have a very small wedding in our home. She again became furious with me. I told her not to come if she felt that way. She and my dad did come and acted as though everything had always been fine. During the years that we were estranged I began to suffer panic attacks. I went from being a self confident, fit and attractive young woman to being an over weight, nervous wreck that couldn't even go to the grocery store with having a panic attack. She broke me. Through the years of my marriage she never spoke of what happened between us. It happened again for about a year when I disagreed with her about something. How we reconciled then I cannot remember. She was a hard woman to get along with. She had estranged many of the family relationships throughout my childhood. Those with my father's family and with members of her own family. She was a miserable woman. I have two children that she and my dad were crazy about. I told myself that I would not allow her to cause me to behave in a way that I would later regret. I made sure that she and my dad had as much time to spend with my kids as possible. I bit my tongue, smiled and agreed with her, let things go. Whatever it took. My mom passed away 10 years ago. ( I am 49 ) I am plagued at times by her problems and very sad that she could not manage her way through this life without causing such hurt to those that loved her the most and to herself. I don't understand it. I know she had a mother that treated her badly. Evidently she could not break the chain. I have never regretted taking the high rode. She was my mother and I loved her. If you can work things out in your head and heart to love your mom as she is and set limits for how close you will allow her to be in your life then maybe you can manage a relationship with her at a distance. Many times becoming estranged from your mom only makes you feel worse. It doesn't ever go away. You will think of her with painful remorse and longing at every birthday party, every Christmas and many days when you wish that you could just talk. The relationship will never be what it should and that is very sad. I suggest, from personal experience that you think about what will be easier for you to live with. She will die someday, maybe tomorrow and you will have the rest of your live with the choice that you made. I wish you well. I'm sorry that you have to live with a relationship like this when it should be your sweetest of moments. I truly do understand....See MoreMother of Estranged Teenage Son
Comments (22)I have not seen my 14yr old son since September 2015. This is because my now ex-husband, had me arrested for allegations of assault to injury on both him and our son. I believe that this happened because approximately 3 weeks prior to my arrest I had given my husband an ultimatum that if things hadn't changed in our marriage by the time we returned from a family holiday in the October that we would be over. We had at that time been married for 13yrs and our son was 12yrs old. Our marriage had been awful for almost the entirety of it but I tolerated things as I thought it was best for our son. My husband was a sociopath and narcissist. He was emotional abusive to me, offered no support in parenting our son, was catty and sarcastic to my older son from a previous marriage. He hacked my mobile, email and social media and basically had me left with no confidence or self-esteem. He contributed very little financially towards the running of the family home and I paid for 7 yearly holidays abroad and he contributed nothing other than some spending money. He very much was manipulative of our son, particularly against me. He allowed our son, latterly, to speak to me disrespectfully and threaten me with hitting me etc. He did nothing to intervene. To cut a very long story short, the case went to court (despite there being no medical evidence to back up his claims) and my lawyer said that my ex-husband "hood-winked" the Sheriff into believing his fabricated evidence. My son's evidence was very distressing to hear as he became extremely distressed whilst giving evidence (behind a scree) and was in tears saying he couldn't remember things. Unfortunately the Sheriff took his upset as evidence that he was having to relive the abuse. I was found guilty and following background reports and character references the Sheriff when I was in court for sentencing stated that "having read the numerous character references and background report he had a better insight into the situation and that it was clear I was a loving mother". I was given a 12month supervision order in February 2017. From the date of my arrest until the date I was sentenced I was on bail with a condition attached whereby I was not allowed to contact my son and only allowed to see him if he requested it. My husband, who is an IT officer, disconnected all of my side of the family to whom my son was exceptionally close, effectively cutting off everyone from my son's life. A few weeks ago my older son and I spotted that my son's name appeared on social media (having previously been blocked) and so my older son has finally managed to make contact and subsequently had conversations and video chats with him. I have too managed to see his details and I have sent him a private message just letting him know that I have thought about him every day and will always be there for him should we ever want or need me. I also told him I hoped he was ok and that I missed and loved him always. As yet I have not had a reply but I will hope and pray that eventually he will. My divorce came through last week so I am pleased about that but my heart breaks for not having seen my son in all this time. We, incidentally had a very close relationship right up until the day of my arrest. My husband clearly wanted to destroy me because I had finally stood up to him and stated that I wasn't tolerating his treatment of me any longer. Being able to read on this forum of others having gone through similar is very, very helpful....See MoreAnother Child's side of estrangement-Should We Make Contact?
Comments (9)"We told them to make sure they used the booster seat and the Grandma said it was ridiculous that we were making him sit in a booster seat at his age, plus they didn't like the booster seat pressing into their leather seats in the car." 1) My daughter, age 6, is 39" tall and 38.3 pounds. She is tiny. It runs in the family. The carseat she came home from the hospital in is still her backup seat. It goes up to 80lbs. Here in CA a child must be in a seat until age 6 or 60lbs. Well, at age 6 she's no where near that weight, so she's still in the car seat. Not tall enough yet for the booster. And yes, I make sure everyone who drives her knows the rules (plus, she can see better from the extra heigth the booster gives her). 2) I had leather seats in my car, I put a fluffy beach towel down first and there were no issues with the leather. "they were not going to come to a Thanksgiving dinner celebration called a "peasant potluck", so they didn't come." Their loss. Sounds like fun to me! And a lot more like the first Thanksgiving would have been. Sounds like they missed the point. That being said, even though we only have one side of the story, it sounds to me that you are justified in feeling angry, hurt, and unwelcome. Now what do you do? I think Colleen and Rob said it best. Let your husband handle it and be supportive. Let the kids know it's ok to love their grandparents and want to see them. Enable the family to come together, but don't be the instigator. Stick to your guns, only you know what is healthy for your family, and I wish you the best....See MoreEstranged mother's upcoming funeral....
Comments (10)Hi and thankyou for your reply to my post. I cannot stop crying and reliving my childhood with her tucking me up in bed...being there for me when I lost 2 of my sons and other 'normal' things that an adult remembers from childhood. I knew she was dying but did not seem to care. An aunt of mine spoke to me on the telephone a few years ago and said the whole family were ashamed of me for saying such a thing about my father. She is a regular church goer too - some christian! I always made sure my son was safe but was more over protective of my daughter. I am getting visions of what he did - no ...have to shut those thoughts out! I tried to keep my son away from my father but he went behind my back and carried on seeing them. (when my ex husband was in charge of the children he would let him sneak to my parents' house. When my daughter learned to talk, she told me where my son was going. My very very old grandparents still sound of mind wanted to see my children but I refused as when they disowned me, they disowned my children also. She did in my mind die a long time ago, but I need the funeral for closure. I will not speak to any of them. My son (he left home last year) is going to stay at his dad's house and go with his dad. His dad...my ex, says I should forgive my father as he has already lost a son (my brother died a few years ago) and one of his grandchildren. He knows the story, how could he let my children be around that man???? he said that my daughter would never have been left alone with him but I should at least have let my mother have a relationship with her grandchildren. This is horrid having flashbacks of my childhood, I cannot stop crying, for what? not for her I hope, but for not having a normal mother daughter relationship. I have nothing to feel guilty for, she chose to believe him and turned the family against me. I can just imagine the funeral, talking about ME! like I am some evil woman. It just isn't fair! oops sorry for the bitter rage lol but again - thanks for your thoughts on the matter. S x...See Moreldvilen100
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