Sounds to me like being in a huff about something is her way of getting attention. And since everyone is so nice to her, she's down to finding the slightest thing to get in a huff about. Also sounds like a vicious cycle...the more she huff's for attention, the more people don't want to be near her, the less attention she'll get and then she'll have to huff more. Unless she's open to counseling and willing to change to improve her relationships with others, I'm not sure what can be done. Hopefully others will have better suggestions for you than I.

(Ok, so first of all - as a 62 year old, not only is 71 not super old, it isn't even old.)

You say she has always been this way so obviously age has nothing to do with the problem. Is she getting worse in either the reaction becoming way more severe than in the past or reacting more frequently to perceived slights.

Has something happened, a life changing episode that occurred in the past 5 years - for eg the loss of a good friend, a health scare for her or one of her children, has she moved away from good friends,.... anything... no matter how trivial to you may be important to her.

Yes personality changes can be a symptom of dementia but it is usually a change that occurs after other initial symptoms and diagnosis has occurred. Is she forgetting words, misplacing things more than usual, can she still follow conversations and take part in them.

Honestly, unless you can get her husband on board there isn't much you can actually do in terms of suggesting a full check-up.

Is there any chance that she is hiding a hearing problem? Maybe she does hear things differently?

Other then having her hearing checked, I doubt that there is anything you can do that will change her.

Sad because there is no way she can be happy living like this.

good luck.

Oh Magdalena, this is so hard. It almost sounds like the geriatric version of a temper tantrum. It may sound harsh, but perhaps, as with children, all should ignore her and walk away when she begins carrying on. Maybe she'll stop if she doesn't have an audience and no one engages her. If she wants to sit outside and miss the festivities so be it, that's her choice. Or maybe when she starts up you or whoever she is talking to politely says something like " I'm sorry you feel that way" and walk away.

I saw marked differences as my mom aged. She would blurt out hurtful things. She did not live near us but once when she was visiting for my two sons' graduations (HS and college) during the party she said something that embarrassed me to the nth degree. I was mortified and tried to laugh it off in front of everyone, not knowing what else to do. My brother lived near her and went to her house for some gathering and when he walked in my mom said "here comes fatso!" These things were so uncharacteristic for her because I never heard her gossip or say an unkind thing about or to anyone growing up. We just chucked it up to old age, but it's hurtful all the same.

This must be very hard. I think there are good suggestions here about hearing loss, dementia, and/or a life-changing event. I think as we age, a lot of people mellow, but some personalities seem to distill and become stronger and the more unpleasant qualities become more noticeable.

That said, there are a few things you describe and phrases you use that made me wonder if there might be a psychological issue. I'm not trying to play armchair psychologist here, but the situations you describe do sound a lot like narcissism. Edit to add: I'm only mentioning this because you feel these aren't new behaviors, just more extreme ones. If they were new, I'd say get her to a doctor ASAP. These are the examples: making situations, especially high-drama situations, all about herself; taking offense/ feeling disrespected by small things; triangulation (complaining about one sibling to another); little or no sense of humor; perhaps a lack of empathy (based on the scene at your sister's bedside); and controlling behavior (curtailing of her DH's stories, threat of divorce). It's something to think about.

You are responsible for your own actions and feelings. I'm sure you do your best not to hurt people. Beyond that, you are not responsible for other people's feelings. You do not have to walk on eggshells around your mother. It doesn't sound like you are doing anything mean-spirited and are obviously concerned about her. If she is easily offended in unpredictable ways, isn't reasonable, and can't show respect for other people, those issues are hers to deal with. There's nothing you can do but be yourself and advocate for her health care if you do think there is a medical issue.

I feel for you and wish you luck.

She sounds a bit like my mother who I would classify as a narcissist. I feel for you, because people like this are so difficult to deal with. My mother is 90!!! and still difficult. My brother is visiting this weekend from Germany (where he escaped to 25 years ago) and staying 2 days plus bringing his girlfriend and her daughter. I'm already exhausted and he has not yet arrived, but I know the fallout will be mine to bear. I've gotten better about turning around her negative attitude over the years and she doesn't know what to make of it. Last Thanksgiving we made plans to go away with friends. When I told her she wondered if she was invited (no) and then said "The first time in 89 years that I've been without family on Thanksgiving". My response: "Wow! You are so lucky! I bet most people can't say that." She was speechless. I wish you well in dealing with it. It helps me to remember that it is not my job to make her happy, only to be kind and respectful to her despite the way she often treats me and my family. Like Mtn, I wish to take the high road, though it is a tough climb sometimes!

I'd say 71 isn't so elderly that you couldn't have a sit down discussion as a family, together, to discuss just what you have shared here. I bit like an intervention, if you do love her and wish for a more caring, loving relationship going forward. You might discuss her seeing a professional to rule out an organic issue. ( my mom was always difficult-understatement- but at 78 developed a brain cancer and was dead in four months- so Mnt's high road is a worthy path.)

I believe that she could have a personality disorder and really not much to do there but make the person aware of how their actions/verbalizations are affecting family members. Just be sure to do this as a group (and no fair ganging up) or she will find the people not involved to unload on. A united, caring, loving approach to solve a family problem she may not be aware of.

If that is not possible then a long heartfelt letter with the underlying message that you love her and want her in your life but the c#@p has to stop.

I wish you well, from one daughter of a difficult mother to another ;)

In my experience most people who are difficult get more so as they get older. There is probably nothing you can do to change her. I would act as you normally would (no eggshells) and let her tantrums/whatever roll off. Pretty much ignore her when she gets into a snit. My mother was always jealous of (that's my interpretation of the relationship - mom did not ever say that) her mother (with good reason in some respects - mom had a pretty complicated childhood) and never got a break from it since her mother managed to live to 102 and outlive my mom. We learned to not let mom's sighs and stern looks affect our relationship with grandma. (I could write about this all day. What a complicated relationship they had. But this is about you not me. Sorry.) Walk away when she drives you crazy. I believe in respecting one's elders but only if they respect you too.

PrettyBlue, The word "narcissism" hit me like a ton of bricks. I've known a couple of narcissists but never thought of my mom in that way. Holy crap. She's a narcissist. Something that has always bothered me and, really, the only thing I'm resentful of is that my dad was an abusive man. He abused all of us. Mom brings up that abuse constantly. Like she's a martyr. But she never says a word about how us kids were equally, if not more so, abused than her. One time, a long time ago, I got into with her about it and she seemed confused about what I was saying and just continued talking about her own abuse.

Something I left out was Mom's penchant for lying. She lies a lot. Usually it has to do with her "station" in life. She wants people to think she HAS or IS more. It used to just be with other people but she lies to us (her kids) now too. She'll tell all three of us a different story and each story seems suited to what she thinks we each want to hear. Also, she's never surprised. She never says, "Really?" She says, "Oh, I know that." She gets mad if you don't defer to her knowledge. Like I might say, "Sally just returned from her vacation in Germany and she said the food wasn't that great." Mom would say in a terse response, "I could have told you that, after all I lived there." She lived there 45 years ago. Okay now I feel like I'm nitpicking but I'm kind of stunned right now, going over all this stuff in my head that's now falling into place!

Annie, yes she wants attention but she also wants to be left alone. My sister and I have noticed that, over the last few years, she has stopped calling us. We have to call her. I went a stretch of a month and a half without talking to her because I didn't initiate the call. When I finally talked to her and mentioned how we hadn't talked in a really long time, she didn't seem too bothered by it. Counseling? That will never happen.

Blfenton, sorry, I knew I should of left off the word "super." I agree, people in their 70s are living pretty busy lives these days! Yes, she's the same but her reactions have become worse and more frequent. This past year, she had two knee replacement surgeries. But she was acting like this way before.

You mention friends. She has never had friends. She's proud and brags about how her family is so important she never had the need for friends.

She's not forgetting words and she is a voracious reader and retains information pretty well.
Maddielee, she probably hears better than me. I think she's just about the unhappiest person I know.

Joanie, so I guess that is the big question. How do we deal with her?

Probably as Mtn suggests. I hate drama, peace and contentment is my goal in life. So, whatever her issues may be, it doesn't matter. Just know that her intent isn't malicious. Something is missing in her life and I need to have empathy. I know I'm not going to allow her to vent about my siblings anymore. Or let her and just change the subject. The hardest part is when we are all together having fun and she gets quiet and looks like she's about to burst into tears at any moment.

Thank you everyone. I had no idea I was going to come away with a revelation when I posted this!

I would hit the Like button a thousand times if I could. Best of luck moving forward with your relationship with mom. Your siblings are your best support network in this situation.

Something is missing in her life...

Are you sure? I know a lot of people who aren't happy except when they're miserable. My Mom was one who always wanted to make everyone happy, but I explained to her that for some people, they feel more important and more satisfied and receive more attention and sympathy when they are upset or carping or miserable...so for them misery is a tool to their version of happiness. If you try to make them happy, you are only encouraging them to become more miserable. Better to just let them enjoy their misery.

The frustration is you can't help them unless they want to be helped and want to change. But for many, they don't think they need help...what they are doing works for them and they're happy...even though they're miserable.

Only goes to show that humans are the oddest creatures on earth.

I want to hug you. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. Lying, never being uninformed or wrong, and gaslighting are very typical for narcissists and grandiosity is the hallmark of narcissism. Can I recommend a couple of resources?

Dr. Karyl McBride's book, Will I Ever Be Good Enough is a terrific read for those of us with narcissistic mothers. Unfortunately, narcissists needs handling beyond that required by a garden variety unpleasant person. Dr. McBride talks a lot about the options for dealing with the mother daughter relationship. She explains something she calls civil contact in very specific and helpful detail. Civil contact is just one option though.

Narcissists use a lot of subtle manipulation that is invisible to an outsider and difficult to explain to someone who hasn't lived it. There is a very long, specific list of the traits that narcissistic mothers share and the associated behaviors. You can find it by googling characteristics of a narcissistic mother. You may find that some of these fit and some don't. Sometimes it's helpful to find a therapist who specializes in cluster B personality disorders. While narcissists don't generally seek therapy and NPD is not considered treatable as studies have shown narcissists have a restricted ability to feel empathy due to less gray matter in the insular cortex, therapy can be a huge benefit to children and spouses of narcissists.

I feel for you. I am experiencing the brunt of a very difficult mother who is 81, and is about to drive me over the edge. I won't go into detail other than to say that I like Mtn's advice, and am also taking it to heart. This discussion has helped me, and clarified some things for me as well, so thank you! I wish you and your family the best. Dealing with elderly parent issues has been harder for me at times than raising 3 kids was.

Gosh, I am more thankful than ever for my 82 year old mother, who has actually gotten NICER as she's gotten older.

I'll share one showstopper of a method that works equally with toddlers, teenagers, husbands, drunks (sometimes), mouthy acquaintances, etc. Shush them. When they start to say something rude, hurtful, idiotic, wildly and inappropriately tangential, fill-in-your-own here, give that person a STERN (alternative is a PITYING) look, put your finger to your pursed lips and shhhhhh. Shaking your head slightly in a "no" gesture is optional. I guarantee it will completely floor any adult. They know what it means, literally AND figuratively, and may turn red as they realize what you think of them to even do such a thing. In front of other people, no less.

Mountainrdredux and some of the others can take the high road and are welcome to it :-) If your mother's feelings are hurt, at least you have prevented some other innocent party's feelings from being trampled.

My mother is 86 and while not narcissistic (that's the domain of my MIL) she has become more difficult through the years. I simply stop talking to her when she becomes argumentative but what I do practice and really like is prettybluehouse's idea of Civil Contact. I am civil to her - I don't feel the need to take the high road, but I am civil to her which is something that works for me.

Perhaps that will be something that works for you. Don't get dragged into her manipulations, don't feel sorry for her, don't get sucked into her woe's me attitude, be respectful within civility.

I'm reading this thread with great interest, as I'm in the midst of a decision with how to proceed with my similarly challenging mother. Right now I'm torn between the Mtn approach and something of a "come to Jesus" approach. My DH thinks mom and I should get counseling -- I think he may have something there.

My mom has always been emotionally needy, and semi-unstable. She had a nervous breakdown back when I was a toddler and is a diagnosed manic-depressive. We also had a bit of a role reversal when my parents divorced when I was a teen and since then I've always felt I was looking after her more than she was looking after me. I'm also pretty stoic and more prone to offer solutions to a problem than to offer a shoulder to cry on or streams of reassurance. It's not a good mix.

A recent controversy over a patio umbrella, of all things, ended in her sending me an email stating that she knew that not only did I not love her, that I didn't even like her, and that I need not respond. (sigh). The latest episode found her in fine passive aggressive form in her choice to not call me on my birthday, and she instead called my brother the morning after my birthday to complain about how inconsiderate I am (sigh).

Then posting of some meme on Facebook along the lines of "A mother will love you unconditionally, no matter what." Gee whiz. I know I need to soften up when it comes to her. No more joking, because that becomes interpreted as "emotional abuse". No more reminding her that the "dog walk" areas at her condo are the only place she's supposed to let the dog do business (too critical). I'll take whatever lumps I have coming to me. But I'm not sure there's any resolution when she feels fully justified in her actions.

I'm channelling mtn's zen and hoping I can just move forward without caring that she's (a) got me all wrong and (b) feeling justified in all she feels and says based on how horrible she's convinced I am.

Wishing you the best, ML. Family relationships can be so complicated and painful.

I do think that older people who have limited interaction with the "outside world" tend to become more egocentric and demanding of their families. Of course I don't know her, so take this with a grain of salt, but it also sounds like your mother developed some coping strategies over the years of abuse that include a victim stance. I would imagine that is very ingrained now and very unlikely to ever change. All you and your siblings can do is decide how you react to it, and remember that she's developed these behaviors as a way to protect herself and try to control her environment.

ML, I wish you all the best of luck in dealing with your mother. Our parents are long gone and fortunately we had a good relationship with them, but I know I can see how these situations can arise. I can even see similar behaveior in one of my friends, sad to say, and I can only think it might get worse. She can be a dear, sweet person around friends for the most part, but she has an 'always right' opinion about everything (and has 'facts' about everything) that it gets to be overbearing. I can only imagine what their kids deal with.

KSWL, Your suggested (I think it sounds gentle) admonishment is totally consistent with what I mean by "taking the high road". Not to force the metaphor, but I don't think taking the high road means you allow yourself to get trampled. As I said, "Don't engage in their nonsense, dismiss it kindly but quickly and firmly and give it no more attention."

I guess what I mean by taking the high road is that you don't let her misbehavior change how you treat her, even though, "eye for an eye", you have a "right" to. It's just that being the best person you can be will probably make you, yourself happier.

Thank goodness my difficult person is my brother, and not a parent or someone I am closer to (we were never particularly close, by dint of gender, temperament, and geography, as adults). BTW, I am sure he would never ever characterize me as "taking the high road", but in my mind I am. I treat him as though there was no discord, even though I'd really like to wring his neck, : )

As to the posters who mention your Mom's abusive past as part explanation, there probably is something to that (notwithstanding she was not the only one, and maybe you even blame her in part ... I think I would, rationally or no ... she was the other adult ... she did choose him and she did stay). My daughter had a classmate in 2nd grade whom she loathed. This little girl was exceedingly mean to everyone, and, to top it off, her Mom let her wear heels in 2nd grade, to school (my DD was so jealous). I often told my DD that, when people are really mean, keep in mind that part of it may be that other people are really mean to them. That does not mean they are not responsible, but we should consider that their lives are probably unhappy and keep that in mind. Anyway, fast forward 4 years later and, at a recent sleepover, the gossip is that this same little girl was taken into foster care. The girls did not know what it was, but they knew it was a big deal. I explained it, and they were kind of hushed. The next day my DD tells me that she always tried to remember what I said about why mean people were mean, but now she really gets it than her classmate must have been really unhappy at home and that was why she was so mean. She said that the next time she came across someone like that she was going to try to be extra nice instead of "mean back".

I am so very sorry. I think all of us would like to give you a hug and try to comfort and encourage you. I think Mtn said it so well. I'm reminded of my own Dad, who in his mid-70s regrets the times that he became angry and showed impatience with his own parents, who passed away in their 90s. He maintains that treating your aged parents with respect and honor, in spite of their behavior, is a gift you give YOURSELF. To an extent, I understand and am coming into agreement with this. I know that I don't want to have regrets for my own ugly responses to other people's actions, even if they are bad ones. There is something profound to be said for consistently taking the high road.

Your mom isn't really OLD at 71, but only you know her propensity for change. And only you can determine how you will allow her behavior to affect your feelings and control your actions. It's all SO much easier said than done, I know - but you also seem like a woman who is sensitive and aware, and you've already got all the good stuff inside you to enable you to cope with your difficult mama.

(((((Hugs)))))

I really feel the need to chime in a bit more here. MagdalenaLee, this isn't necessarily directed to you specifically, although you may find it useful, it's more of a general comment.

There have been a lot of techniques offered here on managing difficult people. I'm sure they are excellent for most unpleasant or just plain mean people. We all need to practice compassion and empathy for others. However, if a parent or sibling has a personality disorder, it truly is a very different thing. I mentioned civil contact, but that isn't simply being civil or polite. It is a therapeutic tool with highly specific guidelines and instructions meant to deal with one particular personality disorder. There is a big difference between someone who is self-centered, demanding, and for whom we might use the adjective narcissistic, and someone with narcissistic personality disorder as defined by the DSM.

There is a cultural expectation that we preserve the relationship with our mothers at all costs, and that's a dangerous message if your mother is a threat to you. Those with narcissistic personality disorder are destructive, abusive, and highly toxic to those closest to them. Their behavior has long term, devastating consequences. Sometimes, children and spouses end up with their own mental and bodily illnesses because of the narcissist's behavior. Sometimes a relationship with the narcissist can be maintained, sometimes not. It's okay to leave any abusive relationship to preserve your own health and well-being - even if that relationship is with your mother.

Well, said, PrettyBlue, and I totally agree.

My MIL is narcissistic (probably adjective as opposed to personality disorder but who knows) and I tolerated her in my life until my youngest child was 21. When he reached 21 I cut her out of my life and at that point let my children decide for themselves if they want to see her. They see her 1-2 times a year and take her out for dinner. It is up to my DH to make his own decisions with regards to his mother. Oh and by the way - she only lives 10 minutes away. All I know is that I am much healthier for my decision and she is no longer the only thought in my head.

If it is affecting my health I have no problem blocking the road - high road doesn't even enter the picture. I played that for too many years.

We are all adults and yes we try to maintain a relationship with parents and in-laws but many of us become enablers to those with unacceptable behaviour by simply living with it. Each of us has to decide what our tolerance is for that situation and mine happens to be very low. Doesn't make me non-compassionate or non-empathetic, it means I have a strong need for self-preservation.

I do believe that you can be compassionate and empathetic without being involved and sometimes removing yourself from a situation is best for all.

MagdalenaLee - I wish you the best and please take care of yourself first.

I'm glad you thought that my response is mild, mtn, because where I live shushing an adult is the absolute height of rudeness, lol!

Agree wholeheartedly that bad behavior does not need to be tolerated and should not be tolerated, and relationships with relatives who have personality disorders should be managed with the greatest of care for one's own well being---if attempted at all.

I lost both my mother and my MIL to early onset Alzheimer's (yes, very scary if you think about it) . I don't think of either of them as having personality changes, but I sure heard about them in others. Some are night and day changes and others are just progressions of traits that might have been there all along.

My father had COPD (primarily pulmonary fibrosis) that led to congestive heart failure. I think he was very much afraid of having Alzheimer's. He didn't, but he did develop a type of dementia caused by lack of oxygen to the brain. He had short term memory issues similar to the early stages of Alzheimer's and from what I observed (not that he would ever admit it), his ability to reason and make decisions was impaired.

In both of those situations, and especially when you are living alone or are responsible for the care of someone else who is totally dependent on you (my dad for my mom - because he wouldn't let us help him more), those memory and reasoning/analysis/decisions making issues have got to be very frightening. Fear and trying to hang on - hang on to memory, to reality, to independence has got to be so hard -- and exhaustion sets in.

Where you already have issues -- personality, behavior or whatever, they may change -- or they may simply become more so. "Moreso" was like our code word when things were difficult. Shorthand venting -- became useful.

My point in all this --- whether you mom has a personality disorder or not, she can still have a form of dementia or some health concern that is muddling things for her and making them more difficult for her -- making her behaviors "moreso." And 71 is not that old, but it is not too young to consider these things -- early onset Alzheimer's is prior to age 65. Maybe it's just living alone and needing attention, but maybe at least part of her behavior has a medical explanation.

You may or may not be able to get her to see a doctor -- just for regular work ups (and maybe call the doctor or send in a letter prior to her visit to explain your concerns that she is not likely to mention). There may or may not be any treatment to help things -- and she may or may not accept it if there is, but it could help increase your understanding, ability to cope and down the line -- ability to take actions on her behalf or to protect her if necessary.

I feel for all of you dealing with parent issues. It's a tough time, and I don't miss the stress, but I do miss both of my parents.

Magda, you have been given some good advice. I, too, try to follow Mountain's lead with my MIL, but all to often I do not succeed. My MIL was widowed probably about 10 years ago. She lost a child when he was 16. I know she has been through alot. We used to have a much closer relationship, but after my FIL passed away, she really changed. I won't say she is selfish, she isn't, but she is pretty self centered. She has dated a man for several years, theirs is more a companionship type relationship, will never lead to marriage, etc. What bothers me most is how she acts toward my husband. She never, ever calls unless she wants something. She expects him to be the one to call her (which he rarely does anymore, he has tired of the game). He goes to her house weekly or at least bi-weekly. He is a wonderful son to her and that is what hurts me, the way she acts to him. She really knows so little about him anymore. The focus is on her.

"I guess what I mean by taking the high road is that you don't let her
misbehavior change how you treat her, even though, "eye for an eye", you
have a "right" to. It's just that being the best person you can be will
probably make you, yourself happier." I really need to remember that and not let her get to me. I also need to remember to feel empathy for her, as I know her life has not been easy and I do truly feel losing her husband has somewhat contributed to how she now acts.

I wish you luck!

Thank you all for your heart-felt responses.

Roses, I'm not sure my siblings will agree with the narcissism, but we are on the same page as far as knowing something's wrong with Mom.

Annie, yes, I do believe being miserable is Mom's default state of mind. She had a lot to be miserable about when I was a kid, but now she's retired, has a good husband who (mysteriously) loves her dearly, is financially secure and has children and grandchildren who would otherwise be happy to spend time with her.

Prettyblue, thank you for the book suggestions. I'm going to the bookstore later today and will see if I can find them. I looked up traits of a narcissist and found a list of nine and (the rule says) if five traits are identified then you are most likely dealing with a narcissist. I think Mom has five. However, I don't think she has full-blown narcissism (NPD) but rather narcissistic tendencies. I know she is a caring and empathetic person. Her main problem is some sort of psychological victimhood and always being on the defense.

Texanjana, so sorry you (many of you!) are having to deal with a difficult mother. It's amazing how many people have to deal with this.

Kswl, You've written about your mom before and I have to admit to having a tinge of envy. She sounds like a wonderful person! The thing about my mom is that she isn't particularly vocal about what displeases her at the time. She might make a quick comment, but mostly it's her demeanor and then talking to one sibling about the other days or weeks later.

I usually do take the high road. I'm constantly preaching to DH (he can be prickly with people) that you catch more bees with honey than vinegar and how it feels good to be kind to those who aren't. I think the biggest problem for us is that Mom is so emotionally draining, none of us want to be around her. I'm seriously considering going out of town this Christmas. DS is going to his GF's parents, so the only thing keeping us from it is me feeling guilty about not spending the holiday with Mom. Get over it, right?

Blfenton, I did some reading this morning about "civil contact." I think the gist is that your relationship isn't emotionally close but polite and superficial without having any expectations of anything more. I'm not sure I'm ready to emotionally disconnect from my mom.

Jakabedy, I could never have a "come to Jesus" with my mom. Counseling, intervention, or anything close to confrontation would shut her down and play into her victimhood. The old "I have devoted my life to my children and this is how you treat me" would be in full force.

JLC, really wish Mom had friends on the "outside world" but there's probably good reason why she doesn't. She's too smart and worldly to have just run-of-the-mill "hillbilly" friends. Hillbilly is what she likes to call people "lesser" than herself. Yes, Mom had good reason to develop coping strategies. My dad was horrible to her. He isolated her and emotionally/physically was abusive. When I was a child I watched her watch him abusive us as well, I'm sure feeling helpless to do anything about it. She divorced Dad 30 years ago (was married to him for 20yrs) and hasn't had a moment of abuse since.

Outside, thank you. Mom can be a dear sweet person as well. And then not.

Mtn, I guess the best I can do is just to not let her "get" to me. Don't feel guilty, don't stop telling jokes, don't curtail conversations for fear of what she might think.

Well, except maybe avoid situations like this: Last Christmas the whole family was gathered in the living room talking about different things. Something was said that reminded me of a time when my sister was lost. I was 7 and she was 3. I really thought it was my fault because Mom told me to take her to the playground with me and I said no and just left. Mom said she assumed sister went with me. I came back from the playground and sister was no where to be found. The police were called and a frantic search ensued. She was found a couple of blocks away. She liked to take her clothes off at the time and her clothes were found in the street and she was at an elderly lady's house wearing a pair of boys underwear - her grandson's. That lady could not stop hugging and kissing her! My memory of the whole episode was funny and sweet. I'm sure it was much more traumatic for my mom (which I had unfortunately not considered) and after the telling of the story, everyone was laughing (including my sister) and Mom blurts out, "During that time I was in the middle of a miscarriage because your father had punched me!" Well, that brought the festivities to a screeching halt. I thought later I would apologize to Mom for telling an obviously traumatic story but I was so mad her I couldn't bring myself to do it.

Auntjen, I do regret a few things that have transpired during arguments with Mom. I have not taken the high road on these occasions and wish I had. I think if I can mentally put her in the category of having an "illness" then I can deal with her more easily. The thing is, I'm the "go to" child. I'm the one everyone relies on to get things done. When Mom is facing any kind of health issue, it's me who deals with it and I can only guess what the future will hold regarding our relationship.

Prettyblue, as I said uppost, I'm not convinced Mom has a disorder as defined by the DSM. I think she has tendencies that these techniques will help me deal with.

I'm no stranger to personality disorders. When I had medical POA for my dad (very short time before he revoked it) I had a chance to speak to his psychiatrist. I never knew specifically what my dad's problem was (Mom said everything from schizophrenia, bi-polar, depression and drug abuse) so I asked the doctor point blank. He said that Dad has an "unspecified malignant personality disorder." Basically, he shows signs of having every personality disorder in the book. His doctor then, surprisingly, said that the best thing I could do is stay as far away from him as I possibly could. And that I did along with my siblings.

Blfenton, The relief of completely removing my dad from my life was overwhelming. Cathartic is an understatement for how I felt.

Kswl, I agree completely but I have to tread lightly when trying to figure out exactly how to deal with Mom's bad behavior. Will my actions/reactions make it worse or better?

Lascatx, Mom doesn't live alone, she's married. I don't think she has dementia but I wouldn't totally rule it out. Any suggestion about seeing someone regarding a mental evaluation (whether it be a therapist or a neurologist) would be met with a dramatic refusal. That decision is between her and her husband.

Tina, thank you. Difficult people should have a convention. Wouldn't that be something.

The starting point can be talking with the GP. There are things they can do to screen for other issues with both tests and discussion -- if they are aware of the issues.

You might look into a support group. My dad found it helpful. I went with him to one at his request -- I didn't.

Lascatx, she would never give me permission to speak with her GP. I'm not a support group kind of person but I am thinking about seeing a therapist for myself.

I didn't have my dad's permission to talk to his doctor. I didn't ask, but I did make a few phone calls before appointments when he either mentioned an upcoming appointment or I saw it on his calendar,

Do what you need to take care of you. You can't change you mom at 71.

So sorry you are dealing with this, ML. I hope you didn't take what I said as excusing her behavior. I'm in the social work field and probably focus a bit too much on figuring out where dysfunctional behavior comes from.

The more important thing here is supporting you in dealing with it, because she's very unlikely to change at this point. . She sounds very difficult, to say the least. It can't hurt to talk it through with a therapist. Please take good care of yourself!

JLC, thank you and no, I didn't think you were excusing her behavior. She really was a victim, just like the rest of us. My mom, siblings and I all have our individual psychological scars that have manifested in different ways. It's being oblivious or in denial about them that's the problem.

Do your Christmas out of town, ML. We had a difficult Christmas here a few years ago that my husband later told me made him feel really uncomfortable. That was not acceptable to me. So the next year we went to the shore on our own for the holiday and had a great time. We brought finger foods and wine for Christmas dinner that we ate in our room with a view of the ocean (were hoping to eat out on the deck but it wasn't warm enough for that). I think my family understood that it was a reaction to the previous year's fiasco. We are talking about doing something similar this year because DH really dislikes the family Christmas. Sometimes you have to do what makes you (and a sweet DH) happy. It's easier for me than you though since everyone in our older generations are gone.

I am pretty sure you don't need permission to talk to her doctor. He or she would need your mother's permission to reveal anything to you, but my understanding is that the doctor can listen to you without permission. I wish you all the best in dealing with your mother going forward.

This is a complicated situation and you have received lots of good suggestions here. I would echo those that suggest reaching out to her doctor. My mother is now 85 and in the late stages of ALZ. However, we noticed very subtle personality changes a few years before the "memory" issues emerged. As we became more concerned, we reached out to her physician and shared our concerns/experiences. She denied she was experiencing any issues or changes to us and to him but it did serve to give her doctor a more complete picture of her health. My mom was the picture of health and always put together. When she agreed to move to be closer to one of us five years ago, we got a fuller picture of the underlying issues. There was real chaos below the surface - literally in her drawers and closets and her executive functioning. It had to be terrifying for her to experience the changes and keep them hidden. To this day, I wish we had paid closer attention. Doubt the outcome would be any different but wish we had gotten her to a neurologist sooner as the thorough work-up provided the best information we needed to accept and support her through the progression. If we had done that sooner, we would known more and denied less.

Bottom line, the changes were subtle at first and I'm pretty sure fear-based. If I could do it all over again, I would be more tolerant and gentle with her. Time flies. I wish you all the best - it sounds like you are doing everything to try and understand and cope with your mom's changing behavior.

Rubyclaire, we saw the chaos below the surface when my MIL agreed the house was too much for her to handle on her own and we were moving her to an an independent living senior apartment. DH found a pan in her cabinet that had something burn in it. Some things were humorous but that one was scary.

As for knowing sooner, don't kick yourself. You can wish it had been different, but the need to hang on and survive -- just to cope, is so strong that the person tends to be in denial and doing everything in their power to hide and to deal with things on their own. The biggest conflicts I had with my dad were because he was fighting for control. The brighter the person is, the more ability they have to reason, adapt and hang on, so it makes it even harder. I think my parents knew sooner, but they denied it for a long time and said my mom must have had a minor stroke in her sleep of something. Aricept did help her when she started taking it, but it did nothing for my MIL. I've been on both sides and both knowing and not knowing have advantages and disadvantages.

lascatx, I'm sure you are right about the advantages and disadvantages of knowing. In hindsight, I think I might have been gentler and more patient with my mom if I had known exactly what we were dealing with sooner. I suppose I joined her in some of the denial - she retained so much of her humor and social skills for so long it was easy at times.

ML - if you feel comfortable doing it, I would still recommend that you reach out to your mom's doctor just to help provide him or her with some additional feedback. Let's hope she is just getting a little crankier in her "old age" and it is nothing more than that.