Three words I want to stop using

11 years ago

No, not swear words. They are but, always and never. I heard at a Dale Carnegie workshop once that "but" is a negative word. When you say I'm sorry but or I like that but, you are saying maybe you aren't sorry or don't really like it.

I heard on TV the other day that always and never are absolute words. My husband has told me when I tell him he never or always does something it's not true. He's right! I need to say sometimes.

After a lifetime of using these words it won't be easy. How about you? Do you use these words often and what do you suggest for substitutes.

Featured Answer

plllog

11 years ago

"But" is a contrastive word and a conjunction, not a negative word. I agree that qualifying an apology is negating the apology, but you don't have to use the word "but" to do so. In the preceding sentence, the grammatical "but" doesn't negate the agreement with your premise. It points out that the scope of my agreement is greater than what you posited. E.g., "I'm sorry I killed your petunias. I thought they were weeds and you know how hard I'm working to get rid of weeds. I know you planted them, but they were on the line, so they were really my property too." No buts. Lots of rationalizations that totally gut the apology. Contrast, "I'm sorry I killed your petunias. I found the biggest, nicest one of the same kind that I could, but it's still half the size of the one you've been growing. I hope you'll accept it, anyway, and that it will grow and thrive. And I brought you your favorite orange sticky buns to help make up the difference." Lots of supporting statements/actions going to the sincerity of the apology rather than the speaker's disdain for it.

Another example: I like this dress, but the color washes me out. Do you have anything like it in a warmer color? In this case, the "but" is a qualifier, but it doesn't negate the liking of the dress. It goes on to the next step of determining whether the liked dress looks good on the speaker.

Agreed that "always" and "never" are used as hyperbole, but the question is whether pouncing on that is about imprecision of speech or redirection of a squabble. When a woman says "You never pick up your socks!" to a man, that is a way permitted, by the way the language is commonly spoken, combined with the standard intonation pattern of annoyance, of saying "It seems like you never pick up your socks." The latter is fine for formal discourse, but the "it seems" gets in the way of the force of the imperative nature of the statement. Arguing about whether the "never" is absolute or general is deflecting from the matter of whether socks should be dribbled where they're shed or picked up and put in the laundry by the shedder.

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Comments (11)

rob333 (zone 7b)
11 years ago
Best of luck! I wouldn't substitute. Saying, "I'm sorry" without anything other than owning up for what one is apologizing goes very far. For saying he always or never does something, can you turn it around? "I love it when you clean the refrigerator out so that I don't have to" rather than I always have to clean the fridge.

I have been saying I'm going to/gonna... with nothing behind it. I will take the electronics to be recycled tomorrow. Is that better ;) I hope it makes me decide to do it.
User
11 years ago
I've heard that analogy about "but" lots of times "but" completely disagree. And by that I mean, I really do disagree. When I apologize for something, I apologize with sincerity whether I use the word but and offer an explanation or not; if I don't mean it, I won't say it. I agree the words that really get over used or misused are the defensive words like always and never. I try not to use them, but don't always succeed.
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jim_1 (Zone 5B)
11 years ago
Another word/phrase that is not good: "No Problem". That is two negative words, tough to be positive about the outcome.

Another phrase that I dislike is, "In a sec", or "In a minute". Both of those are definite. Tough to get anything accomplished "in a sec!" However, if you substitute 'moment' for sec, second, minute, it is ambiguous enough to get the point across, yet a moment is as long as it takes.
User
11 years ago
You have a good point Jim. Every time I'm asked if I can hold for a few moments on the phone, I KNOW I'm in for a long wait. Hate that!
socks
11 years ago
You can apologize without using but. "I'm sorry for leaving the back door open. I forgot how you hate flies in the house."

I want to stop using: so, really and very.

Really.
Jasdip
11 years ago
I've heard at conferences to replace the word "but" with "and". I tend to say "however" which really means the same as but, so it's negative.

I love when you do the dishes, but you never put them in the right place.

I love when you do dishes and I'd like to you put them in the right place.
sylviatexas1
11 years ago
"Absolutely" always sounds to me like a lie, like someone is trying too hard.

What's wrong with "yes"?

& "don't forget" is, as someone said above, 2 negatives. "Remember" is far better...& always makes me think of rosemary! (Rosemary for remembrance.)
justlinda
11 years ago
Well to tell you the honest truth .....the truth is the truth so why not just say "to tell you the truth".
caflowerluver
11 years ago
"Trust me." Never trust someone, especially a salesman, if they say that.
User
11 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Plllog, I've never understood the questioning of someone's apology when it's followed by the word but; the explaination you've provided has helped to clarify. Thanks!

Three words I want to stop using

plllog

Comments (11)

rob333 (zone 7b)

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