Relationships affected by remodeling

8 years ago

I've found that remodeling is not only hell on your health and state of mind but also your relationships.

One of my clients almost got divorced when they went through a 2 years remodeling project due to the stress and differing opinions. I didn't understand why then. I do now.

I'm not only feeling quite burned out but find that my opinions of some family members have deteriorated drastically as our kitchen/downstairs repair is approaching the 8th month.

I've had to deal with nonstop complaining and critique as our repair got stretched due to extra requirements by the city inspector. Everyone compared our progress with our next door neighbor unfairly. He's doing it without any permits and licenses while throwing an unlimited amount of money at the remodeling. I'm on a budget that has already blew out to double the allotted out of pocket of $25K. I was also juggling the construction work during medical treatments, intense surgery and a required 4 mos bed rest (which I have not done).

Our construction has come to another halt as I spent the last 3 weeks almost 24/7 in the hospital to care for my mom on an unexpected illness. At best, I have 15 minutes clear at a time during the day and the only free time is between 3AM and 5AM.

In the meantime, some of my siblings are making snarky remarks and complaints about the house not being finished yet and others like my husband are reacting to the long project by stressing out dramatically over tiny little things like my arranging movers for my office with only giving him a 2 week notice and no daily reminders.

I'm almost to the point of being rude by telling some family to stop talking to me unless they have something positive to say but it will cause drama and stress out my parents more. I've already told them to stop complaining unless they want to put money into the project especially since some don't live there and not one person have raised a finger to help.

My sister popped by to visit my mom for an hour and spent the entire time complaining that I hadn't finished her closet yet and it didn't look like the Houzz picture that I showed her. She wanted the doors changed and didn't like the white color even though the Houzz closet she liked was white and the doors were the exact same doors.

She completely ignored the fact that I've been in the hospital nonstop and couldn't install or paint her doors/molding until I'm free and after I've finished sealing and grouting the downstairs flooring. Her expectations was to have me pay the contractors to finish her closet as a priority over the kitchen and bathroom.

The stress and delays of the remodeling has caused everyone to become inflexible and brought out their worst traits. I've seen some obnoxious behaviors which I've never seen before as well as an intensity of emotions. I know that I've become more irritable and more likely to lose my temper. I didn't curse but have found my language to become more salty recently when bad things happen.

Are y'all experiencing the same things as your project stretch out?

My hat is off to those who are juggling the remodeling as DIY while working full time. I'm only doing some DIY and it's incredibly difficult to juggle time/health/priority.

Featured Answer

lazy_gardens

8 years ago

Next person who snarks or whines about YOUR project ...

Smile at them and say, "You know, we are quite a bit behind and could use some help. Here's a __tool__ . While you are here __ you can help me by __describe task__."

Even if it's just cleaning up after a contractor or stacking some supplies or shopping for groceries, it can help you our.

And if they know that kvetching turns immediately into work, they'll stop.

=======
As for the neighbor's project, just sigh and say, "It's amazing what you can get done with unlimited funds and disdain for the law. Doing things with permits and a budget is a lot harder."

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Comments (27)

Lis Sowerbutts
8 years ago
Like wow it's suddenly all on your shoulders and no one else in the house has to lift a finger? How did that happen?

First anyone who doesn't live in the house doesn't get an opinion - tell them to be b* off.

Those that live in the house and are over the age of 18 can take responsibility. Is there some reason your sister can't lift a paint brush?

Perhaps your husband is stressing out about your health issues? Maybe you should actually be taking that bed rest as advised - the rest of the stuff is pretty minor compared to that!
Nothing Left to Say
8 years ago
I'm sorry you have had so much stress. I hope everyone is healthy soon.

Not on the same scale at all, but my five year old has been just dreadful the past couple of months. The director of her preschool has suggested that the remodel of the house may be the underlying problem. I would never have thought that it would be that stressful for her, but I think it is. She's definitely trying to exert control over everything and everyone around her, which does seem to fit with a feeling of having lost control over her home.

My GC says he should be done by the end of the month. I'm skeptical given what the hall bath and kitchen look like right now, but it sure would be nice. It will be interesting to see if dd's behavior improves. Hope your family's behavior improves!
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Lis Sowerbutts
8 years ago
@clr_ that makes some sense - I don't know about kids - but my old laid back lab got v. stressed when we did a big remodel - he loved having the contractors (and their lunches) around - but didn't like whole randomness of walls moving I think
Lavender Lass
8 years ago
Beachem- Don't be a martyr. Literally! Don't sacrifice yourself, for a bunch of ungrateful people, who could (hopefully) easily help out with the work.

For those who cannot physically do work, tell them patience is a virtue....and you're losing yours :)
practigal
8 years ago
If this is the first time you have seen this bad behavoir I would say nothing. If not, I would go see a therapist and work out how you can adjust your attitude /redraw your boundaries with the family. No one needs snark. If nothing else it slows your recovery...it's your sister's closet...why are you doing all the work? If these people don't live with you consider moving all family activities to someone else's house until everyone has been healthy for awhile...
cpartist
8 years ago
beachem, I feel for you. I'm not clear though. Does your sister live with you?

Whatever the answer, the most important thing before all others is yours and your parents health. take care of that first! It sounds like you are being too nice. I know I would have told my sisters off a long time ago if they had acted that way with me.

Frankly I would probably tell DS that if she wants her closet done, then she has to take off some of the burden of staying with DM in the hospital so you can have time to do what you need to do and that until she shares the load, her closet will remain undone. But heck, that's just me.

As for DH, he's probably concerned about you and your stress level and he's not sure what to be doing so it comes out as anger. You and him need a date night. No discussing house; just a nice dinner and a movie.
cpartist
8 years ago
As for the snarky siblings, if you are physically in their presence, I would just give them the "stare". If not, when they say something like that, I would just make sure there is silence on your end of the phone. then when they try and talk again, I would say, "Sorry, I have to run". Eventually they'll get the hint.
funkycamper
8 years ago
last modified: 8 years ago
Oh, MY! Beachem, your health is far more important than a remodel or somebody's closet. I do swear and use salty language and they all would have gotten earfuls from me. Their ears would have been bleeding. Especially your sister who expects you to pay for her closet and she won't even spend any time helping your ill mom? WTF?!!?

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. If the house is livable, i.e., you have some kind of bathroom and food prep facilities, put the project on hold unless someone else takes over project management and take care of yourself first. If you don't have your health, a beautiful home means nothing.

I mean this in the kindest way but while you're doing your bed rest and recuperating, you might want to spend some time learning how to assert yourself and set boundaries. People treat you how you allow them to treat you. Of course, right now, your health and your mom's health issues makes you more vulnerable to people mistreating you. I'm certainly not saying this is your fault. But I fear it will continue if you can't nip it. Nipping it means you need to be physically and emotionally strong so please take care of yourself first.

ETA: I don't believe in hints for bad behavior. Be upfront and state your new boundary. Your sister sounds emotionally abusive and/or extremely narcissistic. Those types of people don't take hints. As for your DH, I do think time away from home where you both can honestly discuss your issues and feelings is in order. Depending on how that goes, will lead you to answers about what to do next.
amg765
8 years ago
How old is your sister? She sounds like either a spoiled teenager or a spoiled teenager in an adults body. Either way she's old enough to paint her own d*mn closet AND to step up and give you breaks from staying with your mom. For that matter, if she's living with you she should be pitching in on the floor as well.

Also, I don't know what kind of medical issues you are dealing with but extended bed rest isn't a treatment that is prescribed lightly anymore. It sounds like you may need to sit down with your family and have a long talk about boundaries and what kind of help you need from them to preserve your health and sanity.
Jillius
8 years ago
last modified: 8 years ago
Man, your family is being awful! Definitely start putting yourself and your health first -- no need to overextend yourself for a bunch of ingrates.

Our remodel was hugely lengthened/stalled by my chronic pain disorder that developed shortly after we started, plus we had a few other out-of-our-control major setbacks. (Our remodel = the Odyssey.) So I've definitely gotten comments from friends/family outside the situation who are, like, "You're STILL remodeling? What could possibly be taking so long?" or "It's been how many years, and this is all you have done?" So far I have not wrung anybody's neck in response, and that, my friend, is a bloody miracle.

My husband and I definitely argue way more because of our unending remodel. It's usually not too bad, though. We fight excessively, but it's only really when we are actively DIYing (seriously, yo, never doing this again with him) or dealing with the remodel. The rest of the things we do together are still fine.

But there was one month in particular (April) when the remodel-specific fighting/unpleasantness was particularly bad and started spilling out over all our interactions, not just the DIY/remodel-related ones. Our floors were being done -- lots of work for us to clear out/prep the space all at once, and then we had to move out for a week, and on top of that my husband had just started a new job with a way longer commute. So way more work, exhaustion, and disruption in our lives in general compared to eternally, trickling remodel work we have been doing most of the time. I figured all the unpleasantness between us was purely situational and bit my tongue and sort of avoided my husband as much as possible and just waited the floor installation out.

But after the floors were finished and we moved back in, our constant frustration with each other didn't go away as I expected. It'd already been an incredibly unpleasant month, and I'm not into suffering. I sat my husband down for a come-to-Jesus (also known as a "your-wife-has-HAD-it-with-this-crap-and-you-WILL-be-part-of-the-solution-OR-ELSE").

Per the agreement reached in that discussion, we started being much more aware of our own moods and if my/his mood was going south, doing whatever we had to not to dump the mood on the other. Generally making a real effort to be pleasant to each other and to go calm down when necessary.

I am still shocked that that is all it took to fix the issue, but, seriously, one week of conscious effort, and then everything between us went right back to normal (actually better than normal) and everybody got a lot happier.

I think honestly think all this is like an injury -- once it's all inflamed, every little tiny thing is a HUGE pain. If you can quit poking your wound long enough for the inflammation to die down, then you stop hating your family.

Or something.

If all else fails, you could derive perverse pleasure from leaving finishing the closet till dead last. Sometimes it's the little things that make you the happiest. :D
herbflavor
8 years ago
my brother in law and wife did end up divorced after a house addition and remodel of kitchen and existing interior. It was horrible...they couldn't even agree on kitchen flooring.....he has bought a new home with his new partner and interestingly it is tidy and orderly and in good repair. There was some underlying dysfunction in his marital situation I think, and the chaos and planning and work created more problems : they couldn't keep it together. My home needs quite a bit of renovation to stay here long term but houses are selling "as is" or whatever condition because this is a hot property area. I'm thinking of NOT doing big projects but selling out and take the money and buy something "done up".The problem is that spouse is too busy working, it will all fall on my shoulders and the money will probably be the same anyway-spend to renovate or spend on something that doesn't need the work. People need to be realistic..projects always have problems and run over budget and time. It really just depends on the situation people have before them.
tracie_erin
8 years ago
last modified: 8 years ago
OP, I went through a 6 year entire house remodel (all DIY while working FT and pay as you go, so it took a long, long while) and yes, my relationship with my DH suffered. That was ONLY because the toll of living in such a mess and having it take so long and so much money was depressing. The only way we struck an even keel again was to just chill the heck out and allow for breaks - months-long breaks, in fact - from the reno work. That's not necessarily what I'm suggesting to you, but do try to de-emphasize the importance of the work in your lives. We tried our best not to snipe at each other when we were feeling especially bad. Now, my brother and sister did live with us for a number of years while this was going on. The floors in the main area were plywood and the walls were open, and the floor at least in my sister's room was bare, unfinished wood, and they had no trim in either bedroom. But you can bet that they never once opened their mouths about the state of the house, and they did help out if we asked them. Why? Because they knew that we were busting our asses to better the situation. If they HAD been stupid and ungrateful enough to say anything, they would have been appropriately "talked" to, kicked out of my home, and ignored until I felt up to dealing with them - if ever. It's time for a long, long break from any relative that is so actively unsupportive of your project and your mother. And, a talk with your DH about how you feel and what you need (maybe counseling?).
daisychain01
8 years ago
last modified: 8 years ago
This is going to sound facetious, but it is not meant to be. Get some help! I am probably older than you, but I found as I got closer to 50, I was dealing with minor depression and not handling stress as well as I used to. My doctor prescribed an extremely low dose of an antidepressant/mood stabilizer. I only took it for about 2 weeks out of every month, but then we had our house fire and following flood. My stress level escalated like crazy (altho probably nothing like yours) and I now take them every day. I honestly don't think I would have made it through without them. And before people criticize throwing pills at a problem, I am not one to do that. Before this, I was the sort of person who rarely took anything as mild as Tylenol or antibiotics.

I also agree with those that suggest counselling (I know, when right?) and DELEGATING. Next time someone complains, say calmly and sweetly, "you are so right. I could really use some help with this. Would you be able to ...?"

I just came from visiting a friend who was almost on the verge of a breakdown because she is trying to do everything herself (and not saying this is you) but she could not hand over even the most minor details to her teenagers or husband even tho they are quite capable. She complained constantly about how useless they were but wouldn't let them help with anything and criticized them when they tried (again, not saying this is you, but it can be hard to hand over responsibility when we are used to being the one in charge).

My DH (who is amazingly supportive) also taught me the concept of "adjustment of expectations" when dealing with my family. He made me realize that I always expected them to act a certain way and then was totally disappointed or angry when they didn't. It changed my life when I stopped expecting responses they were not capable of giving.

Hugs to you and I hope this gets easier and you come out the other end stronger and happier for it.
funkycamper
8 years ago
I just want to support what tracie_erin said about taking breaks from remodeling projects. And when you do, try to use it for fun together. Oh, I know, fun probably sounds impossible right now. But life is meant to be enjoyed and balancing work and play is a big part of that. While getting your bed rest, maybe some card/board games with DH? As you get your strength back, maybe dinner and a movie or play? Maybe even just a drive somewhere with a terrific view to watch the sunset? Or sunrise? All of us become crabby and testy when we forget to laugh and play for too long. We need it.

I think when people remember to carve out time together where they can just laugh and play, it gives them a buffer to help during the stressful moments when someone might say or do something hurtful to the other. Of course, after a period of time where the stress has built up and people have forgotten how to laugh together, it can be hard to break down those walls and get back to that. So getting started can be the hardest part. But it's worth doing.

I do hope that we all have given you the support you need right now, Beachem. Best wishes.
mermanmike
8 years ago
This post resonates for me, although I don't have all of the stressors you have. I did end up needing counseling to get through the worst part of my DIY reno (the reno is still ongoing), which helped a lot. My therapist affirmed that living in a construction zone is actually one of the hardest things on a marriage. My partner and I were fighting constantly. It got a point where when we had to make a decision or a plan, we were both expecting it to be a fight so much that no other outcome was even possible. I've learned to pick my battles and be less attached to the timeline, and so has he. When you're stressed to your limit, it is difficult to be effective. I hope you can get some downtime and then set some clear boundaries around what you can give.
cluelessincolorado
8 years ago
last modified: 8 years ago
DH and I have been together almost 20 years and have lived through 4 large and life disrupting remodels. When faced with a 5th we moved and paid for "done". Of course they are never done, but the cost of satisfactory was less than lawyers...20 years

I have a good friend who's husband has been a GC for decades, but prior to that was a therapist. He says it's gotten to the point that he can forecast which relationships aren't going to make it to the end of construction, yikes!

If your sister is living with you rent free, maybe it's time to ask for help in return for boarding. She might even learn a valuable life lesson or two! Like someone said above, bed rest is NOT prescribed on a whim. You certainly don't want to undo any surgical corrections!
ediblekitchen
8 years ago
Living in a construction zone is one of the hardest things on a marriage... or any relationship. Yes, mermanmike, that resonates.

Beachem, you probably have more stress factors than most, but the advice given here so far is pretty amazing. I hope that it will help you.

BTW, you said that your sister "popped by for a visit" - that sounds like she isn't living with you so I'm confused as to why she is complaining about "her" closet. It almost sounded like she was complaining about your mother's closet. Although that seems crazy. Maybe she's planning to move in after the remodel is done?
beachem
Original Author
8 years ago
Thank you all for the advice and sharing. It's great to know that what I'm feeling is not isolated.

Throughout the Reno, I've asked for help and gee people distanced themselves from me as soon as I give them things to do like checking line by line item on the 40 page insurance adjustment docs or cleaning the garage for construction.

The only help I ever got was from one brother and brother in law. They both were only interested in going shopping for flooring and counter. Once the shipping was done, they disappeared.

People only see the "fun" thing in remodeling and that stuff is basically one day out of months.

I think part of the stress for me is that the bank and insurance companies call every month to see if I'm done. I've snapped at the adjuster and pointed out that he still hasn't adjust and give me money for things like giving me $1074 to lay tile in a complicated pattern with borders for 1500 SF while I had to pay out $13k. They admit that they're wrong but haven't told me how much they'll increase payout and it's been 3 mos since I filed the complaint.

My sister is 30 and lives with me to help out with my mom. I moved her room upstairs so my dad can sleep downstairs. As a result, I told her that I'll make sure she has a nice closet for her massive clothes and shoes collection. I did an entire built in wardrobe and it's done other than door or molding.

She works 14 hrs a day and pay for the bulk of our daytime caregiver cost so I wasn't expecting help on the physical work.

I'm hoping that things will get back to normal once we're done. Their reactions are probably in response to my mom and dad's stress about living in a hotel for 7 months instead of home. My dad never complained to me but he asked all the time for completion updates.
chicagoans
8 years ago
I'm so sorry! Would it help if you and your DH sat down and drew up a list of priorities? It should start with your health and your marriage. Maybe next comes family health. Then job. Then somewhere on the list is your remodel. Near the bottom is your sister's closet. Below a solid line list the things that don't make the cut: worrying about your neighbor's remodel; listening to snarky comments that don't help and stress you out.

If you get a snarky comment you can hand the list to the snarkist (OK not a word; I just made it up.) "Feel free to help me with any one of these. Notice the items that don't make the cut." On a more serious note, getting on the same page with DH about your priorities might ease some stress.

Good luck! Please give yourself a break now and then.
funkycamper
8 years ago
It's great that your sister is so helpful financially. Caregiver costs add up so that is wonderful she pays most of that. However, she lives in the home, she knows your health issues and the other issues. And she has a usable closet, right? OK, it might not be pretty yet without door and molding but she has a closet. She needs to lay off on the griping. Seriously.

I like chicagoans priority list.

As for snarkists (ha!) who don't live with you, who cares what they think? They aren't living your life. I learned a few hard lessons through the years about how much extra stress it put on me if I worried about what outsiders thought about me or what I was doing. If they're critical about something in my life that doesn't impact them at all, that's THEIR problem, not mine. I grew up with a mom who was always concerned about appearances to outsiders. Not saying you're doing that but I saw how damaging that was to her and the rest of us in the family. It took me a long time to realize I carried that into my own adulthood and to change my own thinking about it so I could lose that fear of being measured and evaluated by others. I can't remember which self-help guru said it but I love this phrase "It's none of my business what you think of me." Embracing that concept was like discovering real freedom for me.
Lavender Lass
8 years ago
last modified: 8 years ago
You need help! Whether it's physical work or money....you need other family members to start helping!

Maybe you cannot do it by yourself? Maybe you'll need to abandon some projects and pay someone to help finish the rest?

Your 'time' budget is completely shot! Your illness, you mom's illness...these were unexpected and have totally blown your time budget. Now, the money budget might have to take a hit. If that cannot happen, then complete the bare minimum to satisfy insurance/bank and table the rest.

YOU HAVE TO STOP TRYING TO DO THE IMPOSSIBLE!!!!

It's a remodel. That's it. Your health, your mom's health, your marriage...they are ALL more important.

As for relationships. PRIORITIZE!!! You cannot save them all. If people won't help, then quit trying to have a relationship, because what you have is a one-way standing. You do all the work and they complain.

Now, from here on out....do what's realistic, most important.....and especially BEST FOR YOU :)
mshahmd
8 years ago
last modified: 8 years ago
after 8 months, its a stress on everyone. Not defending the attitudes, but you husband maybe just as stressed as you. His wife was in the hospital with a lengthy and continued recovery, there is a remodel thats going over budget with no end in site, there are many other family members in the home. As a husband and male, I bet he feels like he has feels uneasy, and without "control" over any situation. Especially since it seems like you are at the mercy of the insurance adjuster for money.

It maybe also time to simplify the remodel and forgo the "complicated tile pattern with borders". Not trying to be rude but there comes a time where hardline decisions have to be made.

Get a poster board and place it in the kitchen. Make a table of the remaining items to be done with check boxes so everyone is on the same page. Check off the items after they are done so people can "see" progress.
beachem
Original Author
8 years ago
Thx everyone. I'm going to ignore any family that complains from here on and focus on taking care of my mom in the hospital without regressing on my own health issue.

Two brothers have been stepping up to help with monitoring my mom 24/7 so I'm not alone. Ironically they are the ditzy and unreliable ones. Granted they don't show up til 3-5 hrs after scheduled time but they eventually show up.

@mshah I've kept the remodel to the basics. For example, my flooring is $13k because that's the market price for basic tile setting. The insurance is required to give me money for what I had which would have cost $22k to replace as it was. They paid me $.75/SF vs $9.50/SF market rate.

They claimed market rate is $2/SF for complex tile setting in Southern CA so they didn't even pay market rate.

@lavender thx. The critical stuff left are cabinets, countertop, the bathroom and laundry. I'm trying to figure out if it's worth it to file another claim for bathroom.

The insurance would have only paid $500 out of the $15k on the repiping for slab leak after the $5k deductible so I ate the whole cost.

The laundry leak would have been all paid out of pocket.

I just love how insurance calculate payout.
rebunky
8 years ago
I am so sorry you are going through all this beachem. I hope mom makes it through okay and you continue to recover yourself. Just tells them...doctors orders....

You poor thing, my heart really goes out to you! :-(
duvetcover
8 years ago
Beachem- might be too late but have you thought of hiring a public (sometimes called private) adjuster to represent you in your claim against the insurance company? They would be working on your behalf only - not for the insurance company you are dealing with. They know how to negotiate and would take the stress off you. I believe they collect a percentage, but if they get a lot more money for you than you can on your own, what do you have to lose?
Nothing Left to Say
8 years ago
beachem, I hope you and your mother are both well soon.

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