Not sure who will leave first me or my step son.

11 years ago

Every summer for the past 9 years, my step son comes and spends the summer with us. Most people spend the summer relaxing, going on vacation, enjoying the weather and Happy. I spend the month if not 2 before summer begins in sheer panic: I stop eating, I cry and feel like my body is inside out. Then the day comes when my husband picks him up....a 18 hour drive round trip. I basically do not breathe for the full 24 hours before he arrives back home.

Let me go back a bit. I met my husband when his son was 2. Because he needed someone to watch him while he went to work one night. We had a mutual friend who asked if I could help out. I was a teacher and many years of experience with kids...still work with kids in a variety of settings today. I and his son were great friends....he actually would ask to stay at my home when he visited his dad. All was good. One could even say his son was the reason we started dating and eventually ended up getting married.

The trouble did not seem to come up until his son started school, and do to the distance between our home and his moms....he could only visit during the Summer.

The fist summer I noticed a change right away...he was talking back, argued about everything and needed more consequences and direction. He even seemed like he fell back in many areas. My husband I also had a son as well by this time. My step son was now not the only child in the house and was not being catered as much he had been in the past....because of the baby and also because he was older. My husband of course did not see how his behavior had changed and of course did NOTHING to correct it. I of course was imagining the whole thing and picking on this poor child...when I did bring up his rude and disrespectful behavior. Then the fun really started NOT...The second summer he came again not listening, arguing, screaming and defiant. Along with now he was pinning his father against me. Stating that I did not feed him, wouldn't let him brush his teeth or get dressed. HE left out the parts of throwing food, refusing to get out of bed, screaming at me to SHUT UP, I HATE YOU, spitting at me. I would get a point after 45 min if not longer of this behavior when I would just say "fine don't eat, don't get dressed...what ever"

When I tried to explain why his son did not eat or was still not dressed at 4 pm...I was told you are the adult, you know how kids are. Make him do these things....or told that I was MEAN and CRUEL to treat a child like that...I should know better. Basically the child was not talked to or in trouble with his father..rather I was the one who got yelled and even got the silent treatment from his father...for even thinking his child was like this.

The thing was I was beating myself up....I did not need my husbands help in that area. I was trying every trick all the books, tricks that I had in my bag and nothing WORKED. I even recorded his fits one week, thought my husband I could have a movie night...his son while I was on the phone with the doctor for my son was sick...had erased what I had taped. I was rereading books ordering/looking up things on line. I tried everything. My husband tried nothing and in fact many times rewarded this child with dinner out, movies and going to fun places.

I think it really hit home for me how bad things were when my 3 yr old child asked me. "Why is it when S (my step son) is here, daddy doesn't like me any more". He also asked "Why doesn't S ever get in trouble" Not that the 3 yr old got into a lot of trouble....but he even noticed that my step son was not acting appropriate and not have any consequence. Many times when I did try to set limits or give my step s consequences my husband would reverse the situation when he got home...giving him back his video games, taking him out of time outs, letting him out of his room...though I had just told him he needed to stay in there for 10 min. At one time I had my step son write a note to his dad about his day...trying to get him to share the days events so they were not coming just from me....YUP my husband stopped that. As soon as he started noticing a pattern." No one can be so blind as the one who refuses to open their eyes"

I am now in my 9th year of this CRAP, the only things that have changed is we (husband and I) have 3 boys. Step son is now 4xs bigger then I. And that my husband says we work through this together he is on my side......till a situation comes up. Then again I must of done something or I am to hard on step son....again it is my fault and s son is the poor child. He got here on Thursday and I have cried for the past two days......

Where do I go.....

Do I leave my husband......

Do I let this BRAT run my life, house, family.........

Do I continue to fight a battle I can not win......

I ask for help as I stand alone...........

Featured Answer

Michelle Jacobi

11 years ago

My husband was a lot like yours in the beginning. I have a very strong personality and I made it very clear one summer that he had until August to show me improvement or we would be living apart every summer. Married but apart. I love my husband. He is an amazing father but the things his child did he saw as "normal" kid things. Most were not , but sometimes they were. As a new stepmom with no children of my own until 2 years later, and with his kids now several years ahead of my own, I didn't always understand child development. I would think, "My kid will never do that." Then four years later, my (now) eight year old daughter rolls her eyes at me when I am talking. When my SD would do it, I would be livid. How absolutely unacceptable!! I would react in the extreme. And when my husband wouldn't back me up, I would be even angrier. It was them against me. I always felt on the outside in these situations. Now, when MY DD roles her eyes, I very firmly say, "Go get your iPad. You may not roll your eyes at me. It is rude and I will not tolerate it." And the situation is over. I don't fume about it, I take her iPad, and I MOVE ON. One thing I read about step kids that really helped me is that we do NOT forgive them like we forgive our own children. We do NOT move on like we do with our own kids. Everything they do wrong seems personal. You HAVE TO, HAVE TO take any thoughts of it being personal out of your response, and to the extent possible, out of your feelings. 95% of the time they are just acting like kids, doing crappy things. It is when we take it personally that we stop being the adult and start behaving like a teenager.

For the things that are NOT normal behavior, present them to your husband when you are not angry and propose a solution. For example, ss won't shower -- ever. He jumps in but doesn't use soap. This is not normal and it is not ok. I would like to propose that ss does not earn time on his electronics until he has showered with soap every morning.

I don't know your situation well. Your stepson sounds like a handful. But if I were you, this is what I would do: I would tell my husband, "If you countermand me again in front of your son, you are on your own with him. What this means is: (1) I will not do his laundry, (2) I will not drive him to any activities, (3) I will not shop for food specifically for him, (4) I will not attend any of his activities, including swim lessons, soccer, baseball, et, (5) I will not parent in ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM your son. (a) I will continue to talk to him when spoken to by him. (b) I will allow him to eat any meal I have prepared for everyone. (c) I will attend family events where all of us are invited. That's it. You will have full responsibility for your son and his welfare. I am your wife, your partner and a parental figure in this house. If you support me in my efforts to parent your child I promise to: (1) be more patient with him and consider every consequence PRIOR to giving it, (2) pick my battles; (3) discuss any major consequences with you prior to issuing them to your son." Then I would do a breathing / anger management excerise I was taught whenever you deal with your stepon: I would count to ten slowly in my head and then state, "Your behavior is unacceptable. If you continue doing [xyz], these will be your consequences." Then the consequence will have to match the crime. So, if he is whining, he will have to sit QUIETLY in his room. If he refused to pick up his toys / room, he can lose all his toys / privileges until it is picked up. If he is ignoring you on his phone or iPad, he can lose his phone or ipad until he has recognized what he did wrong, completed what you asked him, and apologized. Take the anger out of your responses to him.

Anyways, I hope this helps.

Sort by:Oldest

Comments (6)

blueheron
11 years ago
You will probably have to leave him because it doesn't look like it is going to get any better. It doesn't sound like he would go to counseling with you, so that is out. Unless your husband is willing to see the situation as it is, there isn't much hope for the marriage. You shouldn't have to put up with the boy's behavior and your children need to be protected from him, too.
veronicasgrandma
11 years ago
I think your crying and fear is giving this kid too much power. Talk to your husband, put your foot down and make some demands.
Related Discussions
Resenting my step son
Q
Comments (8)
I get that I am gearing my anger towards the wrong person...I AM going through counseling to sort through my feelings and am working at my relationship with my step son as well as my husband. My husband has been doing counseling and has been doing everything he possibly can to regain my trust. I DO trust my husband...call me foolish if you want, but he goes to work, comes home and spends time with us. He tells me every time his ex calls/texts and I am always around when they are doing exchanges. I don't trust her...she calls or texts everyday, she still, after 6 years, is after my husband. I never said I didn't care about my step son, I said that I want to love him the way I used to. When a child comes every week and talks back and says my mommy says I don't have to listen to you, you're not my mommy and other hurtful things, that I know came from her...it's hard to "love" him. He is my husbands child and for that, I would do anything for him, protect him, help him, guide him...he is at a vulnerable age, he's picking up on me snuggling with my children and not him, I don't want him to feel different than my kids do, I don't want him to feel like an outsider in his own home. I am working on it, trying to fix what has been broken. I need a way to figure out how to let go of my anger towards his mother and begin to heal...but it's difficult when she still chases after him, but claims she's been over him for years. I attempted to move past this before my second child was born, I asked if we could sit down and talk, and she said that she wasn't going to re hash what happened years before and have her heart broken again just for me to heal. That it wasn't her fault that I was dumb enough to not know the truth for years... So here we are, I'm looking for a supportive outlet who understands my want and need for loving an innocent child, while in the midst trying to heal my broken heart as well. You may think my husband is a monster, but that was 6 years ago...people change. And if I'm a fool enough to stay and work on my absolutely wonderful marriage that we've built for years, then I guess I'm a fool.
...See More
I hate my step son
Q
Comments (39)
I am not sure if anyone still reads these, I am just looking for a place to ask questions and vent, and sometimes I just need to hear the truth. I am in a relationship with a man who has a son. The son calls me mom, and we all live together in a house I bought a year ago. I am having a hard time finding anything to connect with with my stepson. He is 11, and ever since I've met him, he lies about everything. He lies to his father and I about silly things (what he ate or if he washed his hands) to not so silly (telling his real mom that he is made to do things he doesn't want to do). I first brought up the lying to his father because lying is something that is not tolerated in my life or in our house. I do not deal with lying. I made that clear to him and stepson. I set an example by always being honest and never lying. I know telling the truth hurts, but it is the truth. Stepson lies all the time, and his father will not discipline him. All he says is "lie again and I will bust your butt." He has told SS this countless times and he doesn't do it. Recently it got worse. He called one of his teachers at school a few choice bad words. We got a call from the school and we couldn't believe it. We knew he had outbursts like this at home, and dad never did anything about them (and I told him it was a matter of time before my SS would do it at school too), and now he is realizing that his idle threats aren't working. So his punishment for calling his teacher some bad words was... taking his Legos away! That is it! And I am an educator, and I find this very offensive, I would want my students to have more respect for me than my SS does for his teachers. I am having trouble bonding with my SS. I always make sure he is taken care of by having food, clean clothes, and a home that is welcoming. But I am having a hard time being close to him because I feel betrayed by his lies. He is rude and always in grown up conversations, he is messy and leaves clothes lying everywhere. He doesn't have any chores, just pick up your things. He doesn't do much but get home and play outside and make a mess inside, and lie. I know it is not his fault he is rude and disrespectful and lies all the time, but I am just having a hard time finding something to connect with him. I am an outgoing fun person and he is always a negative person who sees the worst in everything. I am trying to be positive, but knowing that any moment he will lie about me and say things to people about me, keep me away from him. I have no interest in bonding, just letting him be and letting me be. It is very hard on his father because he doesn't like to see us torn in a difficult relationship (SS and I), but he doesn't do anything to discipline his son. If you want people to like your son, then you must teach him to be respectful of others. We model respect, his father and I, and are actually truly very happy. I am just afraid that SS and I are growing farther apart and that will hurt his dad. I know that people will say "you knew he had a son before you lived together...." yes that is true but it is different when you see them everyday and have to live with their lies and meanness all the time. I don't have children of my own, just my SS, and I want to love him and like him, but it is just so difficult and draining on me.
...See More
My 18 year old step son is ruining my marriage
Q
Comments (18)
Sweeby, I tend to agree with you. I truely believe my SS is a sociopath. I have researched it extensively and he is dead on. Even to the point that we got puppies for each of the kids last year and he would feed and water his, walk it when the others walked theirs but he never loved on it like the others did. Never smiled at it when it was happy to see him. He was detached. Honestly, that was when I first started to notice he was a little different. He can turn it on, when he knows others are watching, or even mimic others "normal" behavior, he is just different. His puppy didn't grow and learn like the others because he didn't take time with her. When he went to his mothers and said he wasn't coming back, I was at least relieved that I could find the puppy someone to love her. To this day he has never even asked where she is! Was my husband a great father? No. He thought he was, he tried so hard. He stayed in a loveless marriage for 20 years convinced (by his wife and her family) that if he left he would never see his sons again. That is a ridiclous farce! But my husband, while the kindest soul I have ever know, isn't the most intellectual man. He was on his own at age 15 and all he wanted was a family. He endured SO MUCH to keep his family together and while he THOUGHT he was doing the right thing, it was in the end, the absolute worst thing he could have done. Children who grow up in a battle zone, watching their mother belittle their father over and over, watching their mother lose her temper and hit herself in the head, having one affair after another, that is bound to produce some twisted individuals. My husband tried to keep them busy, Boy Scouts, football, basketball, bowling leagues, track...he was at every practice, every game, helped coach..anything he could to keep them busy and focused on something positive. Yes, he feels gulity. I don't bring it up anymore, he talks when he needs to talk and I listen. Last night for the first time, he said, "I should have taken my boys and left when they were little. They would be different now." I know that is true and I know that is why he puts up with so much, he is largely to blame. No, he wasn't a mean father, but he was an ignorant one, either way, his boys are damaged. I feel bad for my SSs and I am very maternal by nature, so I have tried so hard to take care of them. I wonder if maybe there isn't some jealousy there by the 18 year old because he didn't grow up with that kind of mother. His mother is SO selfish! I have never seen anything like it! Well, my SSs....I have loved on him, he and I had one on one "date nights" and days of shopping and lunches like I do with the others, talked about everything under the sun. I just think it is too late... When his behavior affects my children I have to say no more. Some have asked about my 20 year old SS that I have only met twice. Right in the middle of the split between his parents, he "came out". He was 17. He really , really needed understanding and nurturing. He didn't get it. His mother was vested in her new relationship and his father was licking his own wounds. Both adults were selfish and not there for their son in a very, very crucial time in his life. He is still angry and hurt. While my husband now sees his mistake and wants to be there for his son, he is now going to have to wait until his son is ready to forgive him. Which is why my husband calls him very Sunday and leaves him a message, without fail. He tried to live with his mother and her boyfriend and that didn't work out because the boyfriend was calling him a *ag every day! I wish he would give us a chance but he just isn't ready... I saw on FB recently that he was saying he needed money for groceries. I told my husband (who doesn't realy do the FB thing)and he sent him money for groceries. It's a start... Need to add, the SSs do NOT get along! It's just a big mess! : ( I have to leave it all to my husband. He created this situation, regardless of his intentions, it is time for him to step up and take care of his own. I am just going to take care of mine and see in time what develops.
...See More
Very disheartened...not sure of my next step. Please help.
Q
Comments (46)
Katie, I wrote a comment yesterday and then deleted it because I felt that I was reading the situation all wrong. But now I am thinking I was okay. Your current layout is very much like mine. My kitchen is the main pathway from the garage to virtually the rest of the house. And your range is right next to this pathway. In my case, I have no countertop next to the cooktop. This pathway will limit you as well, in my opinion. Then there is that big window to deal with! Just like me. UGH! Is your current kitchen a peninsula with room for a table by the large window? I feel for you! I have the same frustrations. We are in limbo right now due to our restrictions/budget. Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like you have the luxury of waiting it out to save more money.
...See More
ldvilen100
11 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I don't think counseling is out, because to me it looks like it hasn't even been tried or mentioned. Your husband is suffering the guilt-trip a lot of dads do in this situation. He is thinking he is being easy on him, but instead he is setting up everyone, especially his son, for failure. Yes, the fault does reside largely with your DH. He is the adult, and should have set some ground rules up long ago for these visits. Another thing I want to add, is that a lot of these dads actually are kind'a frightened of their own children in some ways. Some of them, like your DH, don't spend a lot of time with them, and then when their own children come over, they don't know how to react/deal with it even though it is their own kid. Some will even attempt to "pawn them off," so to speak on their current wife or girlfriend to deal with. Real parenting HAS to come from the bio-parent. From what you describe above, it sounds like your DH is trying to make up for not being there the rest of the year with his son, by "being easy on him" when he comes for the Summer. The end result is that this has given his son all the power and you very little. Meanwhile, your husband is getting angry with you for not dealing with it.

I would really try to get your husband, along with you into counseling, and eventually your SS too. After all, you have three other children to think about. If this doesn't work, you may have to disengage during the summers when your SS is around. Focus on yourself and your three children. Let DH deal with his son. And, you've done nothing wrong, and there is very little you alone can do to correct the situation. This HAS to come from dad.
sylviatexas1
11 years ago
Husband & his son are content with the way things are; you *& your little one* are the ones who are paying a steep price (which will escalate) for the privilege of being mistreated.

When nobody else wants change, things will remain as they are.

I think it's time to throw in the towel, & go on & live a happy life & give your small child some happy times.

I wish you the best.
blueheron
11 years ago
That's an excellent idea - to stop parenting him if your husband doesn't back you up. That should shake your husband up when he realizes that he has to take FULL responsibility for his son. After all, divorced men marry partly to have a wife who would take a lot of those duties off them.

Not sure who will leave first me or my step son.

Michelle Jacobi

Comments (6)

blueheron

veronicasgrandma

Related Discussions

ldvilen100

sylviatexas1

blueheron

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US