Oh sorry, forgot to respond re the cleaning thing. It's not about the cost. We would never allow anyone to pay for cleaning, especially as no one is particularly messy -- I just want it professionally cleaned. But, for example, when we left a few days ago I told the housecleaner to clean it before we come back next Tuesday. Now, I find out that they are up there this weekend. So Tuesday we will be back with company, and I was expecting it would be perfect. If they would at least ask, I could have had the cleaning person come after they left. It's those kind of annoyances. I know I am persnickety and a control freak, I cop to that.

I don't know about being cool, but we love them and like them and want them to be happy. I guess I should appreciate that they like to spend time with us, and they are so nice to their siblings.

I'm probably going to be unpopular for this, and I'm sorry, because I enjoy your post and you seem guininely nice, but I the 'step' is a big point and you are being terribly unfair to your husband and a bit materialistic in valuing a pristine home (a monument to you) over the pleasure it must give your husband to be able allow his own child to use it. Especially when your husband's son takes good care of the house when he visits. I think its a question of priorities and yours seem a bit skewed. I suspect your husband's statement that he would rather have it occupied is a red herring instead of standing up for his son directly (probably because he is painfully aware that you view your "real family" as only your children and he views his family as all his children but doesn't want to have to point that out to you directly or even acknowledge that fact that you feel that way.)

Your husband's son is every bit as much of his child as your own children are his children whether you like it or not. Why would you put him in a position to tell his own child he can't visit? And if you do, you better be able to stick to the same rule when your own children as adults. Remember they will be adults in the not too distant future. Of course, the newness of the home will have worn off by then, but even now though it is a very nice house, it is just a house.

I think your solution is a good one :)

Be glad the problem is they want to spend too much time with you :) My DH's cousins really do not like their step mother and dad knows it, and it has completely spoiled their relationship with their dad. They barely see or speak to him. The stepmom knows they don't like her and it is a tense situation for everyone on the very rare occasions they are together (stepmom didn't even go to the recent wedding of one of the kids)

Mojomom,

Well, you aren't unpopular with me -- I appreciate your forthrightness. One of the things you can get from strangers on the web that you often cannot get from friends is unpleasant truths, don't you think?

Your comment: you are being terribly unfair to your husband and a bit materialistic in valuing a pristine home (a monument to you) over the pleasure it must give your husband to be able allow his own child to use it. Especially when your husband's son takes good care of the house when he visits. I think its a question of priorities and yours seem a bit skewed.

Yes, I admit that I am probably more interested in the beauty of my surroundings than most, even "skewed". I guess, though, it is a continuum. Some people decorate vacation homes with cast offs and thrift shop stuff and unbreakable leftovers, very intentionally. Some people who decorate more like me, would just not have allowed anyone to use the house. I am closer to the latter extreme than the former, but I don't think it is a "monument to me" (I mean, I'm not a designer). I think it is a setting that DH enjoyed creating together (and I do mean "we") and I don't see anything wrong with finding value in the settings we create for our family. The question is of balance, and that is something we can only determine for ourselves. We both get pleasure from having people share it with us.

You also said: I suspect your husband's statement that he would rather have it occupied is a red herring instead of standing up for his son directly (probably because he is painfully aware that you view your "real family" as only your children and he views his family as all his children but doesn't want to have to point that out to you directly or even acknowledge that fact that you feel that way.)

No, my DH used to say that about our lakehouse, too, in the case of my relatives asking to use it, or even donating it at auctions. It's a guy thing, and he is right ... you always fear that something is going wrong in the house and just festering if noone is there.

It's not about a notion of "real family" ... someone else used the term "nuclear family" ... it's more about, as my DH said, the difference in the way we spend our time. If it is just our younger children, we might play boardgames and badminton. When DS and fiancee come, the activities are different and a lot of times it is the five of them off doing something. That's a good thing, and it has its place, but it's not what we want 100% of the time.

Your comment:Your husband's son is every bit as much of his child as your own children are his children whether you like it or not. Why would you put him in a position to tell his own child he can't visit? And if you do, you better be able to stick to the same rule when your own children as adults.

Why would I "not like it"? I am not "putting DH in a position". We are discussing how to handle something we find suboptimal. I totally agree about the "same rules". We have already established precedents about providing cars, paying for college and grad school and weddings. This is the same kind of thing. It's really very simple; ask if you want to come visit. Don't tell us. Ask. That's it. For everyone.

Does your stepson have his own designated room at the vacation house? Or does he stay in a "guest" room?

Asking seems like common courtesy though. When I wanted to use my folks' vacation house, I always would ask.

Oaktown,

He has his own room.

Yes, but from his POV, he never goes without letting us know, and he takes good care of the property when he is there, so I can see why the thinks its fine, to be fair to him.

It seems to me that all you really need is a schedule. If planning ahead (entire summer) is too detailed for the stepson, what about the month of July? I Once he has chosen certain weekends, you can plan your life around the schedule ( invite other adult couples, your kids friends etc). You can then determine if you want to be there when he is there or not. One other thing, where does the fiancé sleep when you and your children are in the house? I definitely would have opinions about that.

He tells not asks. He is a good guest, leaves the place as he found it. BUT the place is designed for LOOKS not use, really.
I read through this because I have often wondered how this works. I have a sister with a lake home. I have other siblings and parents. They all live in town with in a block of each other. The Lake home is used often, impromptu as a large group. I hear they have all be invited to use it on their own when ever. From what I hear none of them does this more than once each summer. Even if they ask for a week it is not unusual for one or more of the owners immediate family to be there too. They seem to have system that works.

I think your only choice is to come to a SOLID agreement with your husband that is very specific about who and when you will gave guests. This policy needs to be disseminated LIBERALLY sooner than later so no one feels it was developed just for them. You will disappoint people by not having an open door policy when you are not there. That is just the way it is. Since you will not please everyone else and yourself there is no way around this. Frankly I do not see your issue with your husband's son--outside the TELL/ASK-- and at some point after many many uses this seems mute to even me. BUT I am not the owner you are and you have very definite needs. DH and I have debated and debated getting such a place. One of our main purposes would be to attract our children, draw them "home". Perhaps that will make more sense once yours are actually gone from your home?

I totally understand your dilemma, but I can't see how you can verbalize your concerns without removing some of the easiness your stepson has in his relationship with you all. I personally could not do it.

DS and DDIL wanted to use our Florida home for their bachelor and bachelorette parties this spring and I had to say no to that since it was not them and their children only, it involved strangers to me, their friends but not mine.

New policy:. DO ask, DONT tell. Thank you, Bill :-)

Well, you said it again, Mtn. "It's really very simple; ask if you want to come, don't tell us." It seems like that is what is stuck in your craw, and I don't blame you at all. No one like feeling taken for granted or taken advantage of, including from their own children, although many may just notice it less when it's from their own children.

It seems to me there is great room for compromise with your DH here. Your stepson and his fiancé may use the place, which will make your DH happy, but you simply want them to ask you and your husband, not declare it.

Why not just tell him that, since the house is new, it's a good time to knock heads and get things straight in order to avoid any future conflict. Tell him that you wish to be asked if they may use it, if it is available, before deciding they are going up. As time moves along, chances are you will relax a bit about the house, as mojomom says, and will start offering it to good friends, perhaps others (I take care of people's dogs, for example, and I stay in their swanky homes and vacation homes ALL the time. In fact, off to Newport on Tuesday, but I leave people's home either as I found them or better, and I never leave anything for them to do or clean up after my use. As someone else here said, you want to be asked back. But it's also the right thing to do, but shockingly rare). So availability may well become something that they cannot take for granted, and you might as well get the habit of asking going now, because it's going to be harder to break their current habit the longer it goes on. Tell them that this rule will apply to your minor children as well when they become adults.

One thing I agree with your DH about and disagree with you, though, is the empty house thing. If you have guests who leave the house as they found it, or better, and even fix things or weed or whatever, a house is always better off and healthier if it is occupied. I've been in houses many times when pipes have burst and other things, and it's a darn good thing someone was there. Also, if you allow them to use it when you're not there, that will likely mitigate the amount of time they will want to be there when you're there, which is also something you say you want. But if they're only allowed to come when you're there, you may never have it to yourselves.

I think you have a perfect opening to discuss it based on this weekend and the cleaning crew. I would say to stepson something like " in the future can you run it by us in advance if you plan to use the house? We left on Tuesday and scheduled the cleaners on Friday because we're coming back next Tuesday with the Browns. Had we known you were planning to spend the weekend there we would have scheduled the cleaning crew for Monday instead."

The " run it by us" conveys "please ask" in a gentle way. And it makes perfect sense that you would want the house cleaned before bringing company and don't want to pay for two cleanings.

I'm a recovering control freak. Why recovering? Because I finally saw the light on how my desire for perfection, desire for projecting a certain image with my home and possessions and kids and life, and desire to not be taken advantage of really seriously hurt relationships that I had...family, friends, co-workers.

I finally learned that having relationships is more important than having a perfect home (or perfect anything). And it's an ongoing challenge to live that on a daily basis.

This isn't about your stepson or being taken advantage of. I think this is solely about you and control....and I offer this from one control freak to another.

I completely agree with joaniepoanie's recent post. Your stepson sounds like a very nice and reasonable young man. I'm quite sure he'll understand.

I dont have a lot to offer on this thread. It is a powderkeg. Could go perfectly well. Could go perfectly horribly. So my only thought is this is not a conversation for over the phone. This is a conversation for 4 adults, you and DH, DS and fiance. You need access to body language.

Its perfectly reasonable for you to expect to be asked, not told. But then again, it sounds like all the convos are happening between son and dad and who knows the actual phrasing, "hey dad I was going to go to the beach house this weekend, OK?" is technically an ask. As is, "Dad, Julie and I were thinking of spending a weekend on the shore this weekend. OK if we stay at your place?" I dont know about your DH but mine could easily flip that back to me as DS said he was going to stay at the house this weekend. Things are lost in translation.

Maybe you just tell your husband to say, "let me put Mtn on the phone she is in charge of scheduling"

I think it would bug me with my own kids, so I don't think it's a stepchild thing...

I would definitely want them to schedule with me in advance! i don't think that's asking too much! they're family, but still they need to respect that it's not theirs!

soon enough, there will be your own kids in the mix so establishing the boundaries now is probably best for everyone- esp your stepson!!

Hi Local,

Actually, they are texts, so I 've seen the language. It does make the most sense for him to just text me, since our schedule is wonky. We try to spend 50% of our time there but we try to limit the drive to midweek to reduce traffic, and then we have various camps to fit in and guests and cleaning people and workmen. Even DH is confused. And the dog just sighs. The only one who schedules through DH is DSS, so we will change that.

Pugga, He is! I am so lucky. He really is just like his Dad, and they are both just like DH's Dad, who is the sweetest guy ever.

JMC, The problem, like most everything, is one of degree. Yes, I am a control freak. But that is part of why we have what we have and can share what we do. It is part of why, when people come, they have every comfort they need, great food, and a great time. So my MIL is coming Mid July and I already have theatre tickets, dinner reservations, and a massage lined up. I will have already bought the coffee she likes, and her favorite muffins. I even told DH we should buy a used golf cart to make it easier to take her around the property (she uses a cane, and it would also come in handy for other elderly visitors). No one makes their beds or cleans or cooks, and I like it that way, because, to be honest, I don't want to clean or cook when I visit you! So, you are right, of course, and I do agree that I need to be mindful when this mania becomes at cross purposes to my end goal. But control freaks also do great things!

Joanie, I agree. The room they slept it in, and all rooms of the house, will be pressed into service for the 4th because of our guest count. As a guest, I like a bed that I can clearly see was freshly laundered and made. That's what my whole house was supposed to look like. I hope, that when my guests and I all arrive next week, their bed looks that way. I don't appreciate having to worry about it.

Tibbrix, Yes, I do get DH's point about it being occupied. The french doors off our bedroom deck blew open one day in the winter; luckily someone noticed. That kind of thing. But I also don't like the invasion of privacy. TBH I am not sure if, for example, they would sleep in our bed. It's pretty romantic. I am trying to remember if I would have done that at their age ... probably!

KSWL, haha!

Mitch, oh no, bachelor parties! I am waiting for that. That's a definite no, with no qualms! I could never ask him to repair or replace anything, because he could not afford it and would probably be gabberflasted and what some things cost.

Ratherbe, Before they were engaged they came to visit us in CT. They had just started living together. We also had other out of town guests who were in for a wedding. DH put them in a hotel. I'm not crazy about it, but if people are living together, it seems silly. And now that they are engaged, its a total nonissue to me. I don't personally have anything against responsible premarital sex, especially after 21!

Well, it's not exactly the same situation you'd have with one of your own children, because if one of them (as a young adult) pulled a stunt like knowing it was cleaned for your visit with guests and getting in another visit before you arrived, you would have no trouble at all laying down the law in no uncertain terms----not meanly, but as plainly as possible----with more intimate family and friends. So, to that extent you ARE treating him differently.....you are treating him better, or more liberally, than you would treat anyone else, including your three kids.

I didn't realize your SS and his fiancé lived in cramped city quarters, and agree they are probably LOVING the escape route you have unwittingly provided :-) It's reasonable at this point to speak to them beginning with, "Now that we have been in the house for a year," or "Now that we're in our first full summer in the house," and go from there. It is undeniable that you'll be restricting their access somewhat under the new rules, and perhaps to make that seem less punitive you could offer them a full week when you know you'll be on vacation or unavailable?

Alternatively, you could suggest that they take at least one of your children up with them each time they use the house. That would cut those visits down in a mad rush, regardless of how they get on, lol. (And maybe they would better understand that families, even their own small one, sometimes need privacy.)

Mtn- You seem to have a good read on the situation and I'm confident you will handle it with your usual grace. I think setting some boundaries now could help alleviate any future difficulties that could so easily occur. It wouldn't be out of the question for your stepson and his fiance to want to invite their friends to your beach home.

We have a vacation home in Northeast PA and all three of our adult kids ask before making plans. Our children were older than yours when we built the home 15 years ago. Our eldest was in college and since he asked for permission the other two just thought it natural and have followed his lead.

Our place is used all year and our children visit while we're there but they also enjoy inviting friends on other occasions. Most of them we know but not all of them. And we've discovered some unpleasant circumstances: the fellow who arrived with uninvited pets, the guests who smoked in the bedrooms or the several who failed to follow instructions as to what can be flushed into the septic system.

Speaking up now may help circumvent some of those unpleasant surprises and allow for more harmonious visits.

Forgive me if this was addressed, I wasn't reading for full comprehension: Isn't he having his wedding there? Maybe he feels more ownership to the property than you realize.

If it was proposed to stepson that this was your "family beach house"-he may really just think he is part of the "family" (which he is) and doesn't think twice about it??

Mtn, how do you feel about the suggestion of sending a calendar of available dates he's invited to join you or stay on his own? That's worked very well for us with various family members for stays both at our primary home (beach house) and vacation properties.

I think Tibb hit the nail on the head with the "ask us, don't tell us" comment. That is the part that would bother me, stepchild or not. Our DD is has been out on her own for a year and would always ask before coming home. I'm sort of surprised she hasn't asked to use our NH place yet, but I would assume she would ask before she did.

I also think that a son would be more clueless about the dynamics in a case like this, but that could be just my weird family. I think you're on the right track. I also get the part about how Stepson and his fiancee disrupt your time with your kids and DH, just sort of changing the dynamic.

I'm sure you'll figure it out. In the meantime, get to Maine and have some fun. :)

I didn't read every comment, not because they aren't intelligent and interesting, but I'm on a garage-cleaning break so must get off my butt. :)

Mtn, I get how you feel about people being in your house without you. I'm very territorial myself. I think what bothers me most about this particular situation is that they don't ask if it's okay or convenient beforehand. And I don't think it has anything to do with being a stepchild.

Let's say your younger kids are at camp or staying with friends or otherwise occupied. You and your husband would like a nice time on your own, just the two of you. Leave the bathroom door open, walk around naked, whatever you like to do on your own without having to be mindful of guests or children regardless of their ages. Cook or not. There's nothing wrong with being able to do whatever you damn well please in your own house, whether playing loud music or having a silent contemplative weekend. I'd be rather unhappy if I arrived expecting silence and solitude and found others already occupying the house.

It's your house.

It astonishes me that some seem to think that it's too late to set boundaries without dire consequences. Similar to what someone above posted, I suggest you simply and matter of factly inform SS that now that x time has past, its time for you and DH to start managing the logistics of the house. Insert guidelines. Period.

Someone else above also mentioned what I was thinking, that you are treating SS differently from your own kids; you are; you are treating him 'better', probably would never allow your children that latitude- to tell, not ask. From his perspective, he's been telling and there has been no issue or repercussions, so why would he think there is a problem? That is why it's important to address this ASAP. They may have children eventually, the children may want to bring friends....decide now how you want your house used by everyone, them, your own kids, other relatives or friends, etc. now and in the future. (you don't have to reveal all your decisions about the future now, just come up with a modus operandi and feel comfortable having everyone follow it.

It is SO interesting how people are SO different re: comfort level about EVERYTHING; possessions, relationships, etc. I wish commenters would remember that there is a wide range of normalcy. One extreme would be complete open door, anything goes, the other end of the continuum no one else can come over, everyone else in somewhere in-between. Doesn't make you wrong, just different from some other's way of being.

Grama, You are right. I would not hesitate to tell my kids to cool it! LOL

Linelle, Hope you've made good garage progress. : ) Your post made me realize that it's just different when it is the family you live with every day. The fact is, when they are there we have "company". Which changes things.

Bethpen, we are on our way!

Jules, I think I will ask them about their plans. If I give them a calendar I'm afraid they might circle every free space, LOL

Ollie, I don't think any terminology was used. But I totally get where he is coming from, I have just decided that we are going to have to let him know he does not have carte blanche.

HHirneno, Good memory! They are getting married in the town, but not at our house. They want to marry in the shoulder season, and with the Maine coastal weather they decided not to risk a tent. We will hold some events at our home.

Thank you, Maire. Just reading your post made my pulse race! I'd go bonkers with guests like that!

KSWL, LOL, that is funny.

Was wondering how this was resolved? I too have similar situation and have been intrigued by this post!

Well this old thread sure had me going. I though Mtn bought another house and I completely missed the news....then I realized this thread was over four years old.

Katz, I actually looked at the date and opened it anyway. I think Perky should just start his/her own thread on this subject.

This was an interesting thread. I know it is old but I'm wondering how it turned out?! I was so surprised to not see an answer similar to mine.

Which would have been to say I have lots of experience with step-kids as one of mine was a step, plus many others within the extended fam. I have regularly seen step parenting behaviors, comments, feelings, etc. that were coming from an honest place of consideration yet were TOTALLY or at least significantly different than how their own bio kids were later treated. "Now I get it" won't mend the damage later. As an example let's say the step-step-mom in this case makes the new rules (in my opinion awful, as I would find it bizarre if my mom would rather have her beach house sitting there empty than allow me an escape from "cramped quarters" - That would definitely send a message that possessions and/or wear & tear are valued more than her own daughters joy, fun, or relaxation...plus sometimes it is nice to have the place all to oneself...) anyway, back to the example - imagine the years go by...now bio kids are not even the same age as the step-son was when rules were implemented. The bio-daughter had a rough semester at college and a bad break up, she wants to go with her best friend to beach house for a long weekend alone to "recover". Mom thinks it's a great idea because she loves her kid and feels bad for her, not timezone mention the house is just empty...."here's a yoga mat & grocery money honey, I hope you and Jenny have and good time- cheer up!"

In that moment, the mom totally forgets there is a rule or perhaps she is persuaded easily because now 10 years later she realizes it was a dumb rule and she's loosened up a bit. Realized that control freakishness might be great for planning and organizing but not so much for human emotions and experiences.

Well, step-son (now with kids) who has played by the rules for a decade, gets to watch the rules vaporize or drift away...realizing that all along it was just that he was being treated like a step-son...harsh reality check.

Life will be a lot more fun down the road if the fancy furniture isn't more important than grandkids wrestling on the floor or putting Sandy feet up on the coffee table, if all the kids have had the opportunity to build their own memories of times spent at the beach house with and without you....I'm sorry to say that I just think it is so strange that everyone seemed to back the idea that keeping the step-son and eventually your OWN kids out of a perfectly lovely, available, empty house seems rational or reasonable or kind or likely to create good family vibes. It feels sad, and unecessary to lose years of potential good times to be had to keep the chintz upholstery in good shape. I'm literally leaving for a few days to my best friends lake house...I mean her parents lake house. The mom will not be there. By contrast, those parents let their 3 daughters/boyfriends/husbands/bff's/ use it anytime, they let their friends use it, they would have let me use it without ANY of them...when the dad died I can tell you the outpouring of love for the generous heart of that man was epic. What really matters in the end? A few extra cleanings? Some logistical gymnastics? Some scratches & dents? Or the joy of having given freely and liberation from the need to control everything?

I know it is old but I'm wondering how it turned out?!

Gosh, who remembers? I think we simply told him he needed to ask to use the house. They go far less frequently as their lives have gotten busier. It's become sort of routine that they take a week here themselves every summer, as well as visiting us a few times when we are here.

I was so surprised to not see an answer similar to mine.

I'm not sure exactly what you mean by "similar." I think there were similar answers, albeit perhaps they were phrased more nicely. This is probably owing to the fact that you are a stranger and most of us have known each other online upwards of ten years and many of us have met in person, too. So most posters probably give me the benefit of the doubt and take my post as genuine, the thrust of which, you may recall, was, "I am wondering how much of my reaction to this has to do with a stepson situation versus if it were my own child, so I'd like to get a read from others."

I agree with you Ida, very strange.

The old thread situation with Houzz gets very bizarre at times.

About old threads...,,every once in awhile I see ancient threads highlighted on my screen (iPad - section to the right). I have no idea what makes them come up? But it does happen. Of course, Not right now so I can’t screen shot.

I deleted my original comment that I made, because I thought Rebecca was for real. Only one comment and a hit and run at that. Wonder if Mommy or Daddy told her that she and her little angels couldn't use their house unless they were there?

Sometimes people are doing a google search and come across a thread and are interested enough to create a login and post.

Short version of before. We don't have a vacation house, but we have a fifth wheel on a permanent lot on the lake. Our grown kids and their children don't use it unless we are there and they, in fact, have never even asked.

My wife and I have a brand new 2nd home which is on a ski mountain. It is an unbelievable place that we worked very hard for. We are also very particular about how clean it is. Our daughter is 20 and she is taking the semester off from college and will be going to a new college in the fall. She is going to live at the new home this spring and summer. Now, she wants her boyfriend to live with her there also. He is not very clean. Really don't want him to live there. And he is broke and she will just pay for everything for him with our money. Thoughts?

It's your house and your money, which doesn't mean your daughter is entitled to it. Just say no. If she doesn't like it, they can rent an apartment somewhere. If she lives there (and he doesn't - hahaha) he will still be there all the time.

DH was going to be working out of town for a few summer months, so we asked my parents if we could live in their winter home so he’d have an easier commute. They said yes, but we would have accepted it if they turned us down.

This thread is from 2015.

eld, someone posted a new question on the same subject and revived it.

James, any chance he's going to be your son in law in the future? If you say "no" and he becomes a part of the family, it's going to be getting things off on the wrong foot, and like Allison suggests, even if you say no, he's likely to be there all the time anyway. I would probably let my daughter know your concerns about 2 vs 1 resident and then just set some $ aside to have it professionally cleaned and spiffed up when she moves out.

Your daughter dating someone you find unsuitable is the real issue to my mind. That is a much tougher question than what this thread is about.

Easy NO. She can live as she chooses when SHE'S PAYING FOR IT. Until then your house your rules.

I was searching aomething sifferent but similar and ran upon this thread. As a mother and grandmother of both biological and stepchildren (and grands), i can absolutely relate and my andwer is a hard NO. This is our house, worked very hard and long for it. We enjoy and value our time here We also love having guests but in our time and on our schedule. Family, kids kids, friends ….anybody, we inly allow them to use the house while we are there.

Wonder how things worked out for James?

Funny this resurfaced. All of our kids are old enough to drive now, and two of them are much closer to the house than we are (like an hour and a half versus 3.5 for us, if all the stars are aligned. My stepson and his family are the closest, at an hour away, but they have kids now and are much too busy to hop up there, but they do spend a week with us over the summer, and sometimes we have ThxG there too.

All of my kids, without prodding, ask first. They have all used the house on their own with friends. We have groundrules and the kids have taken good care of the house. None of my kids are really partiers, though I am sure they are not angelic. In the latest instance, my DD and her friends insisted on chipping to for cleaning, and Venmo'd us $500. Since there were 10 of them, it was a great deal for them for a weekend away.

I remember this post! I can’t believe it was in 2015!

So weird how these things resurface many years later.