Thanks for the replies. This has been extremely hard on both of us, not to mention the stress it's causing for my brother and his family. I do agree the play fighting thing is not a good idea anymore. We have considered filing charges back when this all settled because not only is she filing false reports, but she is also posting these accusations all over the internet (MySpace). The voice recorder has saved him before and work told him was a good idea since she lies so much. Everyone we work with does know that we love our children more than anything so hopefully that will help the detectives realize that we would never allow anyone to hurt them. As far as the things she has said about me to the kids, I did not "take their daddy from her". He left her 4 months before he and I ever went out and we kept our relationship a secret for another 5 months after that. So by the time she found out about me, they had been separated for almost 9 months. I think she really blames me because he never went back to her after he left (because I came into the picture). But he never cheated on her with me or anything like that. She really shouldn't still be bitter about that anymore because she is engaged to be married this year, but it seems like she's still a little hung up on my bf and wants to make his life as miserable and he apparently made hers by leaving her. I just really hate that his kids have to be caught in the middle. I have gotten pretty close to them in the past 2 years and I know this is going to damage the relationships we've developed.

It will pass... and then it will come back with other annoying habits... They say that the things we dislike in other people are the things we dislike most about ourselves, so that makes sense. One thing that I've found that works with my dd is to just be honest with her. I tell her that when she uses her "little girl voice" I have a hard time hearing her. When her room is dirty and she asks for something (help, snack, etc) I tell her I have a hard time fulfilling the needs of someone who does not pay attention to my needs. When she asks for something or demands something without a "please" I say "excuse me, I didn't hear you". I tell her that asking questions all the time is important for her learning, but sometimes I had a hard time answering her. Like when my back is to her, I'm doing dishes and the water is on. I find it irritating that she asks questions when she knows I can't really hear her, and I let her know she has to speak up in that situation because I want to listen to her/answer her question, but I get irritated when she keeps questioning me and I have to ask, "pardon me, please repeat yourself" over and over again. This way I get to voice my irritation but it's in a good, constructive way and I don't keep it inside to explode at her later, and she gets to know why mommy isn't so ready to help/what makes mommy irritated. Is there any way you can tell him how his behavior doesn't work for you without squelching his little heart/soul or stepping on his pride?

Personally, I think it was a mistake for your husband to call his ex. We've dealt with this for two years now, SD goes to her mom's and tells mom 'stuff' and mom calls dad up, yelling & ranting at him.. not 'discussing' as reasonable parents should. From your post, it sounds as if he didn't call when he was calm & reasonable, he was upset. She responded with anger or defensiveness, which is not going to resolve any conflict or resolve the problem he hopefully wants to resolve. (and my SD has also been sitting next to her mom when mom calls dad to yell at him and she'll be crying and begging mom to stop... then I'm sure she feels this is all her fault. Not a good position for a kid to be in.) Kids will play up the parts of a story they know mom or dad will react to and the truth is, there isn't much you can do about what mom did. Unless there is a bruise of other evidence of abuse, involving CPS on a one time incident is going to subject the child to further trauma... if it's an ongoing problem, then maybe intervention would be appropriate but it sounds to me like mom was stressed out and reaching out to dad for help by calling him. When she called to say she was going to hit him, what did dad say to her? Did he offer to take the child since she was obviously stressed out? I think one resolution would be to give mom help with reducing stress, which may be more time at dad's and maybe the parenting classes or counseling to help her deal with problems. I don't think it would help to call CPS or file to take her child away from her if she is otherwise a reasonable parent that just had a bad day. Last year, I was put in the position of being accused of hitting my SD. She wanted her mom's attention so she told her mom that I hit her all the time. Her mom called CPS on us claiming my 18 year old daughter grabbed SD by the arm, dislocating her arm. All of it was untrue, nobody has ever hit or grabbed SD in our home and CPS closed the case because it was an obvious lie, but the point is that it put my SD through additional turmoil of us having to take her to the doctor to be examined and she was pulled out of class at school to be interviewed... and all the time, she knew this was because she told her mom that I had hit her.. which was made worse for her because she knew it was a lie. I don't think she realized what a big deal it would become. and it's no picnic to be falsely accused of abusing a child!

g8trgrad98: It is almost scary how much your situation parallels my own. I had written in this forum a number of years ago when my stepson was about 16/17, and just recently as my stepson is approaching 21 (2 weeks). I was in a very similar situation - my stepson was like my own despite his bio-dad in the picture. I was the parent 320+ days of the year and treated things like that - and things were great until that wonderful 15/16 age hit. Like you, I had the typical "you are not my parent" attitude and also like you I had a kid doing a fair amount of pot (does even more now it seems). However, my stepson did not have a grandparents home to run to, so during this whole time he has been in the house. I've had two children with my wife, and they were born when my stepson was 11 and 13. He started out really great with them, but sadly now my kids (now 9 and 7) ask why their brother is so mean and grumpy. I wonder how involved your wife is in this case with either backing you up and setting up rules, or defending her son. My situation was (and still is) very difficult because my wife enables her son and will often tell me to back off while she continues to do so. Has this been an issue in your case? What does she say when your stepson asks her to choose between him and you? Sorry to say that I've come to the conclusion that for some kids, seemingly mine included, they won't ever get a clue until life deals a viscous dose of reality to them. My suggestion to my own wife is that once we stop the money, the coddling, and the comforting life will end up showing this kid what it can do. To that end, better to do that now while he is this young and stop protecting him. Once he experiences poverty, perhaps tinged with a dose of desperation, I think that can change a perspective. Unfortunately, my wife still insists on keeping her boy protected, and the results have again been much like yours - I'm beginning to resent this child I love and felt had so much potential. My wife wonders why I don't take him golfing and be his buddy, but I'm finding my resentment building and just can't fake it. Not sure what you can do with your stepson with him being 17, but I just can't help but feel that a few body blows from reality might help - just wonder whether your wife would be able to go for it.