Ashly Dawn, I am so sorry for your loss. It was so recent, please give yourself more time. I lost a baby at 6 months 10 years ago. I remember feeling many of the same feelings you are feeling. I remember being so sad, then so numb, then so angry that everyone was going on with their lives and seemed to forget about my son. I just wanted to shout it from the roof tops or take out a front page ad that I have a beautiful baby boy in heaven. I also remember feeling like I was doing okay, then having unprovoked melt downs at my job. I ended up taking a mild antidepressant for about 6 months and it really helped me to feel more in control. We don't know why these things have to happen. But the thing is, we're not supposed to know why. We just have to accept it and realize that all lives, even the little one's like our babies, their lives are significant and purposeful. There is a reason why you gave carried, loved, and gave birth to these beautiful babies. And their lives had meaning. They certainly changed you life forever and the way you think about things. I know that God can use us all for his glory, even our tiny babies. Did you have any pictures taken of your babies? What helped me alot was to put together a baby book - not the kind that we often see that has babies first steps, ect. I just found a photo album that said "baby" on the front. Inside I memorialized my sons life. I collected everthing from the hospital - birth certificate, ect. newspaper announcement of his birth/death, anything special that I had, then I collected poems about babies, sons, death, ect. All things that moved me and were relevant to his life. Then at last I put photos of him. I also had bible verses that I had typed and printed out. I have the receiving blanket from the hospital too nearby. It is very private, I have showed it to no one except my mother and my spouse. But it is there, I know it is there, and when I think of him I can pull it out to remember. I plan to share it with my children when they are older. Did you get foot prints and / or hand prints? They can go in there or you can get them framed and hung in a picture. Just remember that most people will not say what you need to hear. But that is not because they do not care. They are just ignorant and do not know what to say. Talk to those who know you best and can listen to you as you grieve. And talk to those who have been through it too. Check out support groups in your area for moms like you. Again I'm so sorry for your losses. Give your heart time to heal.

I am glad I found this site, to see that others feel the same as I do. I lost my mother last week, she passed away Feb 27, 2013 at the age of 65. My mother was my soul mate, she was my best friend and recently she felt like a daughter. I miss the sparkle in her eyes. She had been ill for about 8 years, on and off, and each time she seemed to get better. She always had such a great attitude and sense of humor. I thought she would get better this time too. I was her caretaker, along with my father for the last 2 years. Before that I worked with her and saw her every day. I have seen her or talked to her every day of my life. I am only 30 years old and I always thought I would have her around for another 20. I still feel like a child, and without her I feel lost. I don't have children yet, and I know that when I do it will be bitter-sweet because she is not here. The pain I feel is very intense and I am exhausted, I have only begun grieving and I wonder when it will end (but I see now that it never will). I am not sure what to make of all these strange feelings. A week before she passed away, angels came to me and told me that she would feel better by the end of the following week. Even though my interpretation was wrong, they were right, she does feel better. Since her passing she has been talking to me and that is a huge comfort, she tells me she is happy and that she will always be by my side. She tells me she is excited to meet her grandchildren. She has been telling me not to wait to live my life anymore, to have fun. She also said to think of her transition as a long vacation, we will see each other again when my flight lands. My story is so similar to all the others I have read, so I am sure your mothers are by your sides helping and guiding you through your lives. Talk to your mothers because they hear you and the love they feel for you is pure.

you know, since you posted about losing max, i have gone over in my mind some of the things that set me off in the weeks/months after gary's death. he suffered the ravages of cancer for 21 months before God took him home. during that whole time, he practically lived on gatorade. i bought gallons of that stuff! a couple of weeks after he died, i was in walmart. i started down the drink isle and came face to face with shelf after shelf of gatorade. i burst into tears and sobbed like a baby. people were walking waaaay around me, LOL! i left a full cart right there in the isle, went out and sat in my truck to pull myself together. it was 30 minutes before i could go back in there and get the toilet paper i desperately needed! :O fast forward a couple of months...i was in a hallmark store looking for the perfect card to send to an acquaintance who had just lost her husband. found what i was looking for and standing in the checkout line, all of a sudden the music i had paid no attention to blasted into my ear..."last dance", a song that gary used to play on the piano for me almost every day. again...tears, sobs, strange looks. after a few more of these occurrences, it finally dawned on me that (please don't think i'm crazy!) they were signs from gary. the first couple of years or so after his death, i had many. they were pretty unmistakable. just a few weeks before he died, gary told me that after he was gone and when i saw a rainbow, it meant he was thinking about me. but, if i saw a DOUBLE rainbow, that meant that he had stopped whatever he was doing and he was thinking ONLY of me. i can't even begin to tell you how many rainbows i have seen, oftentimes they were doubles. :) pennies from heaven, i have a little basket sitting next to ashley's urn where i have tossed countless pennies from heaven. look for signs from max, you will surely see them. when i lost my female corgi (gary's dog, we always said, within a year of his death), the very next day i saw a rainbow. my sign that she was with him. five months later, when i lost my little male corgi, i was out walking the danes the evening after simon left me. on our way back through the fields and up to the house, i heard in the distance the UNMISTAKABLE bark that was simon. just his way of letting me know he was all better. at first, the signs made me profoundly sad because they made me think of all that i had lost. but over time, i have come to cherish each one of them. they are few and far between now, i suppose because i don't need them as much as i did back then. max will undoubtedly let you know he is well and waiting for you. some day, no doubt in my mind, we will all be reunited. :) well, it appears i have once again written the great american novel! LOL

Oh honey, I sense your pain. You sound just like Hamsteve, the wonderful stepdad who raised his SD w/ his wife, the girl's mother. The biodad there, also poisoned the DD against her mom and stepdad despite not being there for the girl for the most part in any way, provided her w/ a country club partying life and she moved from VA to FL - not looking back. She is the only child there, too. Like most of our advice to Steve, I think and hope and pray this will run its course. Steve's DD has outright been very negative towards him and her mother, not calling, even flying back to their town to visit friends w/o notifying them, etc. Keep the lines of communication open as best you can. The SM's behavior is despicable and so far out of line, it isn't remotely humorous. I can't understand their motive. But, I wonder if all will be fine and dandy in another few months, or more. It's only been a week and a half. As a mom, I know that sounds like a lifetime, but it isn't that long - they're all still in the honeymoon phase. Even my SD's first few weeks here were great. But, then little things began to bug me - I did more cleaning up than ever before and began to resent her. Of course, she never treated me very well in the beginning of our marriage, so we have a history w/ old wounds, etc. Anyway, even under the best of circumstances, it's tough to share a roof w/ someone who really hasn't been there all along. What do you think their motivation was to get him w/ them? It can't be financial, esp. given the miniscule amount they contributed to his well-being. Just plain old jilted feelings from nearly 20 years ago? Maybe try to ride this out, be glad he's not living in some apt. somewhere w/ a nutty roommate, and be supportive. If they continue their negativity towards you, make frequent visits and then see if DS will consider living in the dorm or an apt. Try to talk that aspect up. If he gets a gf, he may desire more privacy, less rules, etc. My SS disappeared from us over 2 years ago. I think his issues are that he is gay, and not comfortable w/ that, and that he messed up. Everyone had high hopes for this boy - he was very, very smart. He either dropped or failed out of college after moving to a partying atmosphere sr. year. He also stuck me on his $25K student loans I cosigned for him. Nonetheless, I tell his sisters that while I'm disappointed, it isn't worth losing the family over and he is welcome back any time. Even they don't hear much from him. I fear there were drugs he got involved w/ for the turn around. DH buries his head in the sand on most unpleasant issues and they never talked about the gay issue. So, after all of this, I'm just saying to keep in touch w/ your son. He should have more and more of a sense of who was there for him through the years as time goes on. Meanwhile, keep communicating, try not to be always defending yourself if issues arise, though that's hard. It's better to give your side of any stories face to face - and I'd plan to be there as much as I could. All the best, Dana