Oh honey, I sense your pain. You sound just like Hamsteve, the wonderful stepdad who raised his SD w/ his wife, the girl's mother. The biodad there, also poisoned the DD against her mom and stepdad despite not being there for the girl for the most part in any way, provided her w/ a country club partying life and she moved from VA to FL - not looking back. She is the only child there, too.

Like most of our advice to Steve, I think and hope and pray this will run its course. Steve's DD has outright been very negative towards him and her mother, not calling, even flying back to their town to visit friends w/o notifying them, etc.

Keep the lines of communication open as best you can. The SM's behavior is despicable and so far out of line, it isn't remotely humorous. I can't understand their motive. But, I wonder if all will be fine and dandy in another few months, or more. It's only been a week and a half. As a mom, I know that sounds like a lifetime, but it isn't that long - they're all still in the honeymoon phase. Even my SD's first few weeks here were great. But, then little things began to bug me - I did more cleaning up than ever before and began to resent her. Of course, she never treated me very well in the beginning of our marriage, so we have a history w/ old wounds, etc.

Anyway, even under the best of circumstances, it's tough to share a roof w/ someone who really hasn't been there all along.

What do you think their motivation was to get him w/ them? It can't be financial, esp. given the miniscule amount they contributed to his well-being. Just plain old jilted feelings from nearly 20 years ago?

Maybe try to ride this out, be glad he's not living in some apt. somewhere w/ a nutty roommate, and be supportive. If they continue their negativity towards you, make frequent visits and then see if DS will consider living in the dorm or an apt. Try to talk that aspect up. If he gets a gf, he may desire more privacy, less rules, etc.

My SS disappeared from us over 2 years ago. I think his issues are that he is gay, and not comfortable w/ that, and that he messed up. Everyone had high hopes for this boy - he was very, very smart. He either dropped or failed out of college after moving to a partying atmosphere sr. year. He also stuck me on his $25K student loans I cosigned for him. Nonetheless, I tell his sisters that while I'm disappointed, it isn't worth losing the family over and he is welcome back any time. Even they don't hear much from him. I fear there were drugs he got involved w/ for the turn around. DH buries his head in the sand on most unpleasant issues and they never talked about the gay issue. So, after all of this, I'm just saying to keep in touch w/ your son. He should have more and more of a sense of who was there for him through the years as time goes on. Meanwhile, keep communicating, try not to be always defending yourself if issues arise, though that's hard. It's better to give your side of any stories face to face - and I'd plan to be there as much as I could.

All the best,
Dana

I can understand your grief.

I hope what I say is not going to upset you or seem harsh.

You son seems to be acting like a typical teenage person. He has spread his wings and wants to get out into the world. It probably makes sense to him to live where he lives, because its closer to college.

I would not take it to heart that he has not contacted you in the way you want him too, do boys actually do that !

You and your DH have been his primary care-givers, this has surely imprinted on him his love for you both, I don't think anything can change that. I am sure he is sensible enough to realize that no matter what anyone says to him, he will always love and respect you both.

I have a daughter, about the same age, she rarely phones me, I always chase her, she lives away from home, at college, she doesn't come home much. It's a difficult situation to get used to, at first, but I have come to realize that if I don't hear from her, she is working hard and enjoying herself, making friends, and getting on in the world without me. And isn't that what I brought her up to do ? I am sure you have done the same.

I would contact him when you want, say to him "my door is always open".

Take care, all the best to you.

Popi

I agree with popi and vista that it is best to let this run its course. I think living with BF is just something new and different, and it will be a good thing for your son to go there and see it comes with all the same hassles as living with you and your DH. It may take a while because of the honeymoon phase, but it will happen. I would keep emailing him and letting him know you love him, but still give him some space. Since you and DH have always had a child since the beginning of your marriage, this is a great time for you to re-discover each other and enjoy activities you may not have been able to when you had a child at home. Focus on each other and making a good life for each other, and that will make your life seem more attractive to the son who is has gone away. I also agree that it is kind of a normal teenage boy thing to not call for a while when they first leave home. I saw Dr. Phil and Robin discussing thier sadness when their youngest son did that. So, I think it is kind of par for the course.

Could it be that your son just wants to know his biodad a little better? And experience another aspect of life?

Don't take it personally...it's clear by what you write that he loves you and his stepdad very much. He's just growing up and is probably curious.

My stepdaughter wants to come live with us. Not because she has issues or problems with her mom. Just because she wants to spend some time with her dad before she's an adult.

So, encourage him as much as you can. Try to think with your head and not your heart. And just because he hasn't called you, doesn't mean he doesn't want to talk to you. He's likely just busy getting settled. Call him....