She may not know how to issue an invitation and/or she may be afraid of being turned down.

I'm not sure I understand what the heavy lifting is you refer to when it sounds like just saying hey want to go to lunch?

My neighbor and I go every week and we take turns driving, that's about the only thing I could consider as doing something extra,or heavy. I don't over think things.

Maybe she just doesn't think about it and when you suggest it she is free and agrees. Maybe she thinks you have a busier social life and schedule so she doesn't want to make you feel bad if you can't go.

All in all if you enjoy her company and she enjoys being with you then just do what ever needs to happen to make it a good viable friendship because they are hard to come by. And you could just ask her this same question the next time you ask her out. Friends discuss things!

Go have fun!

She may be shy about hostessing. Or she may not like to entertain in her home. If you enjoy her company and she seems to enjoy yours, accept the foibles of the situation and just extend invitations to luncheon at favorite places. You enjoy her, she enjoys you, so don't worry about who is doing the inviting.

My advice is just to have an honest conversation with her about it instead of playing games to see how she responds. It sounds like she's a good friend who values your friendship, and my guess is that she just doesn't realize it's an issue for you.

Just talk to her and say you feel like you only get together when you initiate the plans, and see what she says. There may be a good reason for it - maybe you're more unavailable than you realize, maybe she has something going on in her life that's taking up her free time, maybe she just has a different perspective when it comes to issuing invitations, maybe she has low self esteem and she's worried about being turned down.

As an example of something that happened to me a few months ago: I received a text from a friend out of the blue where she was very upset with me. She said I was constantly flaking on her and clearly didn't value our friendship. I was totally baffled at what she was talking about, and eventually I found out it was regarding a situation a few weeks prior.

She had made the comment "we should try korean bbq someday" and I said "sure, that sounds good" and because I hadn't set up a date and time for it, she thought I was flaky and wasn't interested. Meanwhile I assumed it was just one of those up in the air social things without any firm commitment. We worked it out but it just goes to show what a difference a little communication can make on an issue.

I have a different take on this. She might have an active social life with an "inner" circle. These are the friends who she might initiate get-to-gethers with. You might be an "extra" friend. Whenever you call she is more than happy to see you but you are not a priority.

Yes, it does seem odd that she never ever calls you. If you want to discuss this with her, I'm not sure how to word it. Do you still want her as a friend?

I don't necssarily feel things should be even, I'll invite you ten times but I do expect at least one invitation back.

Everyone has a different take on things. Sometimes heart to heart talks don't end well.

You may have just written this about me.

I'm always happy to respond to invitations to join friends for dinner, drinks, outings, but I rarely - if ever - initiate get-togethers. It comes from a lifelong fear of being rejected, coupled with the fact that I hate having anyone over to my house.

If you stop calling/inviting her, she'll likely not notice, and will go on with her life as it is.

If you enjoy her company and she enjoys yours, I don't quite see the problem. Are you thinking she needs to change to have value as a friend, or can you just accept her as is....

Unless of course you mean by initiating the socializing you are also picking up the tab, tickets, expenses involved in getting together. Even then you'd need to understand if she is unable to, or just unwilling where you would certainly be justified in rethinking the friendship.

If not the latter, why not just enjoy her, make the calls and as Raven suggested, don't overthink it. It's the differences that makes people special, right?

Did you grow up being taught that an invitation should be returned with a like invitation? That used to be one of those codified manners. I've never found that it really works in real life. There are always imbalances and differing circumstances, and maybe your friend is someone who can never figure out how to do one. Or maybe she has it in her head that you like making all the plans!

I think you absolutely could call or text her something like: "I haven't seen you in forever! If you want to get together, will you please come up with something to do? I have time Friday afternoon or lunchtime Monday."

That gives her all kinds of outs, if she really doesn't want to, and lets her punt if she wants to see you but can't bear to come up with a plan. Plus, it could be the very first time she suggests an outing!

I have a friend like that. I've been friends with her for probably 40 years. It seems I always initiate the activities. I did finally ask her about it and she said that I always come up with better ideas than she does. Just the other day she called and asked me if I wanted to go shopping with her. It is nothing different but it is a start and I'll take it.

I'm like that. I'm an introvert. I simply don't need the social interaction that some people do. Couple that with being 24 hour on-call with my kids, my schedule isn't always workable. There are some things that I prefer doing alone. For instance, I prefer to walk with my dog. I don't want to walk with other women because it interrupts my work-out schedule. It's not an indication of how much I like you.

Maybe she is embarrassed about her home or she is a hoarder. She likes to go out with you but she just can't let you see what her home life is like.

I have a friend that is exactly the same. She will wait for me to call her to suggest doing something and she always says yes to anything but hardly ever makes the first call. Sometimes if I mention to her that I went so & so to eat she will say she would have went with me if I had called her. As was previously posted, maybe just have to let it go and continue taking the initiative especially since we both like to do a lot of the same things.

I think actions speak louder than words (or lack of action). It's possible that you want to get together more frequently than she does.

I have been on both sides of this situation.

There's no reason to guess. If she's a friend, you should talk to her and express your views, rather than assume.

If you have the conversation and then no change - I'd find other people to spend time with. People make time for what they want to make time for, and they respond to suggestions and requests from people when they want to. "I don't do (blank) the same way you do, it doesn't work for me" is a rationalization of the person saying it and a way to say No. When you want to spend time with people or want to have interaction, you can meet them halfway.

Unless you think it's only your way or no way.

I've finally puzzled through some of the responses which puzzled me and think I've figured something out. I took always saying yes and going out and having fun to mean that your friend enjoyed going and wanted your company. Perhaps she's one of those people who can't say no, and doesn't really want to go, but has no good excuse?

Sometimes communication doesn't happen when you think it does. When I was a teen, my mother would often bring me things from trips she'd taken. Then she'd show me other things, like a pair of inexpensive craft earrings, and say I could have them if I wanted. I thought she meant that they were part of the group of unassigned gifts she'd bought and I could have first crack. Unless it was something I was pining for, I'd say no because I didn't want to be greedy. Last year, I found out that she had bought them for me specifically but wasn't sure I'd like them, so she asked if I wanted them rather than just giving them to me. I would have loved to have them! But I was taught not to be grabby! Her feelings were hurt. I sure wish we'd communicated better.

So maybe it isn't as straightforward as your friend not being good at initiating. The others have a point that there might be something there worth a discussion.

My best friend is like that. She is social but has always had self esteem issues. I just think she just doesn't see herself as interesting enough. She bright, witty, a great conversationalist and we have a great time together but her basic personality is passive.

She knows she is like this and we have talked about it. She's come a long way in the 25 years we've been friends but she still takes the back seat when around others. I used to try to push her to be more assertive but she is who she is. She waits for me to make the first move be it going to a door, changing directions etc.

She has ruined some possibly positive relationships with men because of her ways. They think she lacks interest because she won't take the lead in suggesting activities. One guy took her to a nice restaurant and she ordered a bowl of soup for dinner. Nothing else. He asked her to go on a trip with him and she acted like he was joking out of her nervousness. So he dumped her. Told people she obviously wasn't into him although he really liked her. I talked about it with her. Suggested she call him. She didn't. They would have been a good pair. Had a lot in common but her passiveness sabotaged the relationship.

So I guess my long winded post is just that some people are simply passive. There are leaders and there are followers.

I'd be 100% happy to take on that role in the relationship, rather than lose a friendship.

Be direct. Sit down and, without sounding accusatory or whiney, tell her this is your observation and you're not judging her at all, and you love her company, but you're curious as to her opinion regarding your perception of the issue.

I have a friend like that. I agree that it's annoying. I don't like to always be the one coming up with ideas and making suggestions. I don't mind doing it but it'd be nice to have her show some interest in coming up with ideas, too. Frankly, I have lost interest because it's always on me. If I don't think of something and ask her, we do nothing at all as friends. I guess I interpret it that it's just not important enough to her.

Maybe they freeze up thinking of things? My son is like that. He so rarely comes up with ideas for things to do. I take that back. Three things. He wants to bicycle, eat French fries, and "something outside". He's terrible at it. I've tried coaching over the years, but nothing has helped! :( Guess he can't be good at everything.

I'm only mediocre at it. I try hard, if that counts.

Your friend sounds insecure about something. What do you know about her home? Do you know her family or any other friends of hers? Can she afford to go out frequently?

I just read all the posts and I want to add - don't do what I did in a similar situation. I had a best friend for over 30 years. We live about 4 hours apart. Twice a year I would get to the bay area and visit with her for the day. The time went so fast and we found plenty to talk about. She always made it clear to me that I was like a sister to her.

But the last few years I came to realize that she usually had an excuse as to why I couldn't come for a visit. I was miffed but took it in stride. (She and her husband were inviited many times to come to our house but they only came twice).

One day when we were talking on the phone she commented that a friend came by her house and was terribly upset with her, saying she was sick and tired of being treated like there was something wrong with her because my friend never wanted to get together and go to lunch or shopping. It didn't end well. My friend told me that secretly she was glad the woman ended the friendship because the friendship was just "too much trouble".

Something inside me broke. I told her that for quite awhile I was willing to keep her friendship at all costs but that I knew exactly how the other gal felt. I too was tired of the friendship being all one sided and that I would never put myself in the position of inviting myself to her home. I went on to say there are 365 days in the year. Two days out of that year was all I expected to be able for us to visit but apparently it too was "too much trouble".

That is how the friendship ended. We still send the yearly birthday and Christmas card but that's it. For a long time I was devestated that I had lost my closest friend because I had told her exactly how I felt. If I had been willing to keep the friendship on her terms we still would be able to at least communicate by phone.

I guess what I am trying to say, depending on how much the friendship means to you - don't push it. Just enjoy your time together and be grateful she is in your life. If I had it to do all over again I would not have shared my feelings with her.

I have a friend like that too. When we were finishing up lunch one day I mentioned that I would like trade off every other time in planning when and where to meet and next time would be her turn. I figured I'd put that out first before I discussed the issue with her in detail. I do know she is very insecure and has a difficult time making decisions, so I took the less invasive route first. She said she didn't think her ideas/plans would be that interesting or enjoyable. I told her what mattered most was spending time with her, not where we were. She took the reigns for a little while, but then reverted back. I value our friendship a lot and decided in the grand scheme of things it was not worth ending a friendship over.

Frienships can take many twists and turns. I totally identify with darrah. I had major surgery two years ago. Two of the most important people in my life were not there for me in the way I felt they should have been.

The first was my friend since middle school. I really expected her to come and see me when she heard. Yes she called many times, sent flowers but never visited. She is about 45 minutes drive. I was very disappointed, especially when I exoerienced the kindness of others who quite honestly I wasn't nearly as connected to.

There was another issue with her only wanting to talk to me on her car ride home from work. She would not answer her phone if I called her. When we discussed this she just explained how tired and busy she was and I more or less accepted that our friendship was different. So I let this one go.

But, I couldn't let how she handled my illness go. We talked about my disappointment but she never acknowled that things should have gone differently. She thought maybe she was involved with a new baby in her family!

What are my choices? I did post about this here and the best advise was that she is just not the friend I thought she was, but could still be a friend. Interestingly another asked if I was short o n friends and to just walk away from the friendship.

I wanted to still feel she is in my life, no matter how superficial.

The second person was my cousin. She came to visit a week after my surgery. To make a long story short it came out weeks later that she was angry at me because I wasnt a good hostess. I was recovering from a brain tumor operation! I wrote her an email and basically her answer was that it was I that was inconsiderate!

So here's the thing. I am not the type of person that has to be right. I know I have flaws. Evidentially something struck a cord in her. However, I think I deserved a pass in this circumstance. We didn't talk for almost a year. I have a very small family and each member means the world to me. I sent her a birthday card, she then invited us to an anniversary party. We decided not to attend as there were obviously raw feelings. But this opened up communication. She wanted to resume our friendship but did not want to discuss what happened! I now no longer feel the same way about her, but I still want her in my life.

You never know which way things will go. As we get older it's harder to make new friends. I made my newest friend over ten years ago!

a sidetracked note: I agree with what you alluded to, something like having brain tumor surgery really lets you know how people feel about you, and you about them. I found out who my "true" friends were when met with a really serious health problem. Isn't it interesting the different reactions?

Back to the invite issue...

I have a friend who may feel that she "does the heavy lifting", but that's because 1) she issues more invitations than I have time for, so there's not time for me to reciprocate. There were two in the last three days. 2) She schedules herself out to nth degree. I don't like having tons of obligations. I work and prefer having a lot of unstructured down time. Managing my free time like I manage my work calendar is not my desire.

This example may not apply to your situation at all, but if you enjoy her company and scheduling is not really an arduous task.. I might not over think it.

There are a lot of comments here I can relate to but the one thing that really stands out to me is the number of posters who say that even though they would prefer their friend had more initiative, they would rather accept the friendship for the way it is than to loose the relationship entirely; I think that is key for the OP. Friendship is about acceptance and caring about someone for who they are, not for who you need them to be. Maybe that is why now it's harder to build relationships than ever before; because life is already so demanding and people just aren't prepared for more demands. Friendships are supposed to be the escape from life's demands and some people for whatever the reason, just don't reciprocate with invitations. If she accepts your invites often, it's obvious she enjoys time with you. Maybe the real question is if you can be happy with the kind of friendship she is able to offer you.

Yes Robb. It was very shocking. I was humbled by the kindness of not often seen neighbors and work associates who went out of their way to show they were concerned and cared.

Lukkiirish, I agree with you. But sometimes it's difficult to just let things slide.

Jewelisfabulous has a decision to make and hopefully it will work in her favor.

That's the point Ellen. It's not about letting something slide, it's about whether you can accept the person for who they are and still choose to maintain a relationship.

Until 3 or 4 years ago, I had a friendship with a woman I had gone to kindergarten with. As kids, our mom's worked together at a bank and our dad's hung out together. Lot's and lots of history. For years I would accept things I didn't necessarily agree with because I valued our relationship, but then she did some hurtful and unethical things that were just beyond understanding or forgiveness and I said no more. I made the decision that she was no longer worth my friendship and I severed the relationship. I didn't let things slide, I had made a conscious choice to accept her behavior and when I could no longer do that, I said see ya. It's just my perspective, but the way I see it is life is always about choices and acceptance.

You will never change your cousin from being shallow and inconsiderate but you have chosen to accept that behavior because you want to have some kind of relationship. The alternative would be to say no, I won't allow anyone treat me that way and let her go. But realistically, the way she treated you is very different from a friend never extending an invitation. Your cousin showed her true colors and what she did was just plain wrong. She showed no concern for your feelings and won't even acknowledge that she hurt you. You may have a different kind of relationship with her, but again it's because you want to not because you have to.

My daughter had brain surgery 3 months ago and it was crazy scary; she's a strong intelligent woman but is just now starting to get past all of the fear, so I really do understand a little bit about what you must have been going through. I wish with all my heart your friend and cousin would have been there for you the way you needed them to be and I'm so sorry they weren't but moving forward, you really do control the future and what kind of relationship you have or don't have with either of them. Life is all about choices.

Lukkiirish, yes I do understand what your daughter is going through. Sending healing thoughts for the months ahead.

You could also maybe give your friends a break. I had a close friend who was very self involved. I told her three times what I wanted her to do (come see my very big project). She had time. She was in the area. She made really lame excuses why she didn't. Then she moved away with no notice and instead of calling me where she knew I'd be, she left a message on my answering machine saying the only time I could see them before they left was at a party they were having during my work hours. I didn't know how to respond and the advice I got was "who says you have to?" Then she wrote some letters without one word inquiring or commenting about me. Not the 2nd grade "How are you?" that we're taught to open with. We've been in touch a few times since, but I basically dropped her. I regret it. I know I needed to do it rather than be hurt by her, and I have better friends, but I do miss her and I wish I could have just let it slide and accepted that that's the way she was.

Another friend stopped talking to me because I didn't understand what she needed from me after a death in her family. I didn't know why until at least a decade later, when she got back in touch, briefly (I'm guessing a therapist told her to mend fences). When she told me, she mentioned that she'd done what she needed for herself for me when my uncle had died. I didn't know that she was doing it so couldn't pattern it. It wasn't articulated that that's what one does (in her lights) when someone loses a family member. I would have tried. I miss her too. I have closer and better friends, but I wish she could have explained or accepted, and given me a break.

Wouldn't it be great if we could magically know what is in the other person's mind? In my next life instead of internalizing everything I want to be able to ask the person from the get go what they want and what they are willing to give in a friendship - I don't want to have to guess at it. Sounds confrontational doesn't it? But it might save alot of hurt and misunderstandings so that we can at least clear the air and get on with the what being a friend is all about - sharing, caring, connecting with others. In the meantime I will do what I'm best at - give of myself until I feel it is all onesided and then find the exit door.

I won't offer any advice because you have received lots of good suggestions already. Just ask yourself how much the friendship means to you. I lost what was a very close friend of 17 years to cancer last year. We didn't get together very often, even though she was just across town. We would do lunch or something every couple of months. We weren't the type to talk on the phone either but would email each other several times a week. I think of her often and really miss her friendship. Does it matter who issues the invitation as long as you have a good time?

Thanks Ellen {{hugs}}

I think that I would be judged as the worst kind of friend. I rarely initiate any sort of outing, I usually don't know if I'll be in the mood to go somewhere, so don't make plans that I may be tempted to break.

I am really happy with being a homebody. My hubby is my best friend in the world and I'd prefer to hang out with him given a choice of who to spend time with.

When I have girlfriends, I notice things that I dislike about them and start to distance myself. I don't feel lonely for the company of others. I hold myself and people that I spend time with to certain standards, (honesty, not a litterer, absolutely no pocketing things that don't belong to me).

My last real girlfriend (not a co-worker or acquaintance) felt that it was okay to toss trash in the back of her truck and just let it blow out as she drove into town. Her reasoning was that she had to either burn her trash or take it to the dump and by letting it blow out along the road, she was saving herself some trouble. That one thing just became a huge obstacle for me. She also thought it was completely fine to pocket seed pods from nursery plants. The last straw was when she put a pod in my pocket. I pulled it out at the register and asked what I owed for it. The nursery charged me nothing, but that also seemed wrong to me. It should not have been removed from the plant.

Maybe I'm just weird, but I tend to shun friendship advances.

Rather than deal with the situation directly, could you deal with it in a roundabout way, dropping some hints or asking some non-confrontational questions that would help you understand her viewpoint and feelings on the issue?
Dealing with the issue in a series of small steps, approaching the various concerns that you mentioned, or have been spoken of here?
You have long experience of relating to her, so it shouldn't be too hard to fill in some of the blanks.
Do you know others who also know her? Perhaps they could offer some ideas about her, if requested in a a non-gossipy way.
ole joyful

Thank you, all, for your thoughtful responses and for sharing your own stories and feelings based on your own friendship experiences. There are so many valid opinions here that have really caused me to examine my friendship and my motivation for bringing up the issue with my friend.

While many of your posts are thought-provoking, I did want to respond to you, PKPonder, because of what you said in your post: "...I hold myself and people that I spend time with to certain standards, (honesty, not a litterer, absolutely no pocketing things that don't belong to me)."

That's a pretty low bar of expectations! If the people you have befriended in the past don't meet even those bottom-of-the-barrel standards, I can certainly understand why you prefer to stay home! I hope, though, that you'll eventually meet other, much higher caliber women so you can expand your social circle and experience the enrichment that comes from having quality friends. :)

Well, that's not my entire list, no need to be snarky.

PKponder -- Truly, my intention was not to be snarky. Not in the least. Please re-read with my actual intent in mind, which was simply concern that it appears you've given up on friendships because of the types of friends you've had in the past. And, what a shame that is. And, that I hope you'll someday get to have the friends you deserve.

PK, I don't think she was being snarky either, but to PK's defence, I think she was just referring to a recent situation and how those specific things the woman did bothered her.