I'm so sorry. One thing that I've found helpful in banishing awful pictures from my mind is to replace them with something intense & absorbing & preferably loud. Even when I've watched something disturbing on the news, I'll turn on a sitcom & turn the volume up loud. For something like this, I think running or jogging or swimming might help get the oxygen pumping & clear your mind. Put away your photos of your mother for the time being; you'll be able to look at her image later, after the shock has eased up. Be patient with yourself; this was a trauma as well as a tragic loss, & it takes time for the body & the heart to heal. & while you do have to be a mother, this is the time for your husband to be strong & take care of you & take the "wife" load off your shoulders. We have to be strong, but we don't have to leap tall buildings at a single bound; ask for your husband's help & tell him how much you appreciate it. Ask your friends & other family to help you, too; these times come into everyone's life, not just other people's lives, & you're allowed to be the one in need. Take care.

Thanks everyone for your support. I know I need to leave but I suppose I've always been a sucker to help people. Amber - Thank you for your words. You are right, the only person I can save is myself. I suppose the battle is really working up the courage to say enough is enough. I struggle because I hate hurting people or feeling like I am letting them down but in the same regard I suppose by me doing things for my partner, he will never do anything to help himself or his son. Colleenoz - thank you for your kind words. I never thought about it like the way you put it. Seeing that he could turn like that if something bad happened to me is some what alarming. Because when I think of the answer to something happening to me and would he be there, I can't answer that. And if I can't answer that, then there is a real big problem. LaVerne - Thank you for your comment. Do I want to change? Yes i really do, so I guess I know what I have to do. Reading Lady - Sadly this situation is real, it would be nice if I was making it up but unfortunately I am not. I know everyone on his mother's side has bi-polar and basically have lived their lives in and out of either jails or foster homes. Sometimes I think the cycle can be broken but in the same regards, it's not my responsibility to have hero complex (i.e. trying to save everyone). Let me just say this, I know that none of you know me from a bar of soap, which in turn makes you more truthful. I appreciate your honesty and i thank you for your wisdom. I know everyone goes through hard stages in life, but you are right. If I am not happy with the situation, then only I can change it. I think it's time for me to worry about myself and get back what I want. If I succeed (and I truly hope I do) than please know every little word by each of you contributed to giving me strength. You all really have no idea how much you have put my mind, heart and bank balance at rest.

Most of the time I wake up before my 5:30 AM alarm goes off. Up, turn on the TV, and the computer, get dressed, read email and the paper online while eating breakfast. Then, peek in here at the KT, and on facebook, and get ready to go to work. If I ride my bike I leave the house 15 minutes earlier than if I drive. I work till 1:30 PM officially, but most times don't get out till after 2:00 I return to my bed after the 10:00 PM news and start the whole fun scenario again. :) Moni

Hope you are doing well. When you do talk to your son again, make sure you tell him you love him and are concerned about him. Sometimes we forget to state the obvious and sometimes folks really need to hear it. That may be especially true of someone who seems like he is critical and needing a lot of attention. I wouldn't press the issue, you buy might inquire about things outside the family -- work, friends, the world in general. Maybe have a philosophical discussion (if that works with you and your DS) about life -- hopes, dreams, worries, and try to make it about him and the world, not him and family. Maybe there's a conection? If he is an engineer and perfectionist, could there be things at work that are beyound his control that are causing stress that doesn't have another outlet -- like kids who stress at school and explode on their parents about any little thing when they get home, just a grown up version. Are there any fears about layoffs? Is he not happy with the work he's doing? Anything he might be afraid of? Is he the sole bread winner? Is that causing him a lot of stress - especially if he's worried about his job or feeling unsatisfied in his career. Maybe focussing on him a bit will let him open up and express some things that might help resolve some tension. May or may not solve the relationship, but the underlying issue here is that you are concerned about your son. You don't feel like he is acting like himself and that is causing other issues. Again, let him know you love him and you are concerned about him. Sounds like he has seen a doctor, but that doesn't rule out any medical issues. Doctors only know what they see and what they are told in a short window of time. You know what was reviewed loooked fine. That's a snapshot. If the doctor isn't told more, they don't know to look deeper. I've never known a doctor to look for any mental issues if they weren't pressing questions. Questions most folks would rather avoid. Just keep that in the back of your mind. Take care of yourself, and I wish you all the best.