Good for you. Holding grudges is non-productive, no matter how justified it might be. You are taking the right attitude. You can't make it the way it was, but make the best of it. I always tell my kids to try to "take the high road" in relationships. You cannot control others' behavior, only your own, and if you always take the high road you will have far less regrets.

No one ever said on their deathbed "I should never have forgiven so and so".

Try not to allow any more self-talk about what was ruined or lost. Go have fun!

I admire you for taking this route. As long as you understand that she could, at some future date, treat you badly again. I hope that wasn't too blunt.

Well-said, Mtn. I tell my kids and grand-kids the same thing all the time (take the high road). Be responsible for your own behavior and actions and be kind.

You are right, your relationship may not ever be as it was, but you can move forward and forge new paths, especially with family.

I recently had a dust up with my mom. She lives in an alternate universe and I broke and let it get to me. We didn't speak for two months. When we finally did speak, she gave me a "back-handed" apology, but I was glad to have it because it allowed things to go back to normal. The high road is much easier to navigate.

I'm so glad you and your cousin are renewing your friendship. I have never been able to hold a grudge. OTOH, I have a very dear friend that can hold a grudge for a day past eternity. Thank goodness I am still in her good graces.

You're doing the right thing, good for you.

I hope it works for you. It hasn't for me. When a relationship is important to me and it changes I mourn the other and can't seem to let that one go. The new fresh one never seems to measure up and over time it seems to become little or nothing. Since she is family you will no doubt run into her as your life progresses. It only makes sense that you would let bygones be bygones and be cordial at events. I don't think it is about holding a grudge or not, it is about trust and believing you won't get hurt again. A good lesson for us to guard how we behave towards others. Some things cannot be restored.

Good for you, ellendi. It's not easy, but when you realize that no relationship hurts you even more than a chilly one, then taking that step toward healing is absolutely the right thing to do...hard, but right.

It's so hard, isn't it? I just went through the same process with my sister. I didn't do it so much for myself, but for my mother who is getting older and hated that we weren't talking (sister has life long mental health issues that I just could no longer deal with). My incentive was the thought that if anything happened to my mother, we would be trying to deal with it without actually speaking to each other. We will never be close, but it is a bit of a relief to know that I don't have to worry about accidentally running into her somewhere and what I would say if I had to get in touch for my mom's sake.

I appreciate everyone's support and advise. Yes, I did feel sad yesterday. This party was for women only. Basically friends but two step daughters and me.

It will be a whole new relationship. And Arcy, you hit the nail on the head. I can't trust that she will not do the same thing in the future. (I have watched through the years how she has treated others).

When we decided to speak again, she decided that we shouldn't bring up what happened and discuss it. That is how we left it to move on. But, I am not the type of person who doesn't own what they say or do. If anything, I am very hard on myself. I would have liked to hear what she had to say.

I struggle with forgiving others and myself all the time. When I used to be a professional hypnotist there was one session that I felt was very helpful. Please bear with me as I try to explain it. This is not meant for severe cases of abuse or mistreatment.

You need to let go of bad feelings toward another person. This person has wronged you. To let go it helps for you to understand that what they did was based on several factors. Their education, how they were brought up, their physical health, their personality strengths and weaknesses, their current situation in life etc. Basically except that how they handled the situation was the "best" they knew how. Understand that maybe they don't have the self confidence or the social abilities that you do, etc. EX: Your parent was lacking in parenting skills. Understand that they maybe didn't have good role models, or that they were dealing with stress that you even know didn't know about, etc. So except that they did the best they could and let it go. You don't have to analyze this, just tell yourself, yes they could have done better, and let it go.

You are not making excuses for them, just acknowledging yes they screwed up, maybe they never apologized and never will. In your mind forgive them, think good thoughts, and let it go. Imagine letting it all go.

Perhaps she feels terrible about it all and doesn't have the abilities to talk to you about it or the ability to apologize. Sometimes a way of apologizing is doing something nice for that person. Except that and move on.