What do you do to your kids?

9 years ago

last modified: 9 years ago

20 Somewhat Horrible Things I Do to My Kids That I in No Way Feel Guilty About

The following list was compiled by my wife, me, and a few other guilty parties whose names will be protected until my death. They know who they are, and they don't feel guilty, either.

I've been trying to use up the gross generic peanut butter that we bought a while ago. When we make sandwiches, the kids get generic. I get Jif. I'm choosy... and selfish.

If we are at the end of a loaf of bread, the kids always get the butt.

They think it is the "special" piece. I eat the filling out of Oreos, and give my son the gross cookie part.

When the kids ask for more food after dinner, I tell them that food before bed gives them nightmares. The second their heads hit the pillow, I make a second dinner -- an ice cream dinner. I sleep like a rock.

We take batteries out of annoying toys and say that they are broken. Then, when we put the batteries back in, we act like we are toy-fixing gods. LOVE US, FOR WE HAVE FIXED YOUR TOY!

If someone at a party gives my kids juice, I sneak it away and water it down until the only thing juicy about it is the color. If my kids ever taste real juice, their heads may explode.

I steal my son's favorite toys so he has to sit with me.I eat all the good Halloween candy. My kids are unaware of the existence of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.

I stare at my daughter while she sleeps for abnormal amounts of time.

I have a special signal that tells my spouse to unplug the wireless modem. Then I pretend to be really sad when we can't watch Winnie the Pooh on Netflix for the third time that day.

I have avoided teaching my kids about clocks and time, just so I can put them to bed at 6 p.m. in the winter. I am hoping this lasts until their early teens.

I haven't told my daughter that she writes the letter J backwards every time, because I secretly don't want her to stop doing it. Ever.

I tell my kids Santa exists. Not because I like having them believe in magic and giving them presents, but because I find it convenient to have a made-up, mythological being whose arbitrary judgment of right and wrong can be used to manage my children's behavior.

My youngest insists that he only likes chicken. He actually likes everything. Hamburger is "brown chicken." Lettuce is "green chicken." Carrots are "carrot chicken." In our house, we have "chicken" every night.

When I am mad at my daughter, I fart on the way out of her room after putting her to bed.

Sometimes I will mess up the last line of the lullaby and tell her that it didn't count, just so I can sing one more song with her.

I fell asleep with a Sharpie marker in my hand and it got all over the microfiber couch. I tell everyone it was my 3-year-old.

On occasion, when playing pretend with my son, I just tell him that my pretend character is pretending to take a nap. Batman takes a lot of naps in our house.

When our kid was little, we used to clap and cheer when he took a tumble. We found that if we gasped and ran to him, he cried, but if we cheered, he bounced back up, proud of the show he'd put on. Now he has no fear, and we have created a monster.

I love my kids too much. Like, way too much. The kind of love that is like an open wound. The kind of love that is like an exposed nerve. I am 100 percent vulnerable. My kids could destroy me, and sometimes I act just a little more pissed than I need to be, to throw them off from the truth. The truth is that they win even when they don't know they are winning. And the truth is that I'm strangely OK with it.

OK. Your turn. What don't you feel guilty about? Comment away!

Featured Answer

MtnRdRedux

9 years ago

Humor can be very individual; i appreciate that. And sometimes it has to be edgy. But this left me totally cold. And honestly, I try not to judge parenting, but most parents I know give their kids the "good stuff", whatever they perceive that to be, and have the scraps themselves. That can be taken too far; it does kids no good to have doormat parents, but IMHO when you love someone you want to give them the best, always.

Sort by:Oldest

Comments (13)

OutsidePlaying
9 years ago
That's funny! And full of love. Thanks for posting.
User
9 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Some of those things are ridiculous and some are vulgar. i would have welcomed the author's kids to our house but would not have let mine go to theirs. (Yes, I do know it's meant to be funny.)
Related Discussions
What type chewable vitamins do you give your kids?
Q
Comments (11)
Terriks, the same thing happened to my children! I used to give them vitamins shaped like Flintstone characters and kept them in the top kitchen cabinet. One day when I was taking a shower my five year old pulled a chair over to the counter, got up on it and pulled two bottles of vitamins down. He opened both and gave one to his three-year-old sister and they started munching away. Neither could tell me how many they had eaten so I took them to our pediatrician. She gave them both ipecac, but my daughter had iron toxicity and had to stay in the hospital overnight. I threw the vitamins away forever that day, and they haven't suffered one bit from not taking extra vitamins above what they naturally get in a balanced diet. Oh---and I asked my son how he got the "child proof" cap off, and he said he just read the directions on it.... push and turn!
...See More
Do you give gifts to your kids' boyfriends/girlfriends?
Q
Comments (43)
I had a couple of holiday surprise guests too--at noon, with the gathering scheduled to start at 2 pm, my son asked if it was ok for his ex-girlfriend to come! They split quite awhile ago (he broke up with her) but I knew they were still reasonably cordial. I'm not sure exactly what the status of their relationship is now but I have always liked that girl so it was nice to see her. And my daughter asked if a close friend could come. Friend is a Jewish vegan so it was a little challenge for me to ensure there was food she could eat. It all worked out and I am so glad I always have a few gift items on hand. Gave ex-girlfriend a Godiva chocolate bar sampler and a nice candle. Daughter's friend got an iTunes gift card and a joke book of the world's worst album covers (she and my daughter are both into the indie rock scene here). They both seemed to have a great time. Son and ex(??) went home to her place together, and my daughter's friend told her afterward 'Christmas is fun-I might have to find a Christian boy to marry!' :). Ann
...See More
How do you control what your kids see on the internet?
Q
Comments (3)
put your pc in your living room, or try the following two software to control your kids activies on computer: (1)all in one keylogger v1.91 it's a popular and powerful tool, $49.95 to buy http://www.download.com/All-In-One-Keylogger/3000-2132_4-10514996.html (2)Bad Daddy v2.1 a cute tool giving you a visual way to know what your kids have done on their computer. $9.95 to buy https://www.qwerks.com/Product/8815.html
...See More
Messy bedrooms
Q
Comments (54)
i know this is probably a long forgotten issue, but i had to chime in. My now 15y/o SD was the biggest PIG. She had food, dishes, clothes absolutely everthing on the floor of her room as well. And like almost everyone here, i did everything short of going nuts! Well, I finally decided that the natural consequence was best. We closed the door and she left her room like that. AH, but when her friends started coming over, and tripping on her clothes and trash, and at one point, her dirty bra and panties were on the floor in plain view...her friend mentioned it to her, and made fun of her. The natural consequence was she was humiliated and mortified from her own friend. Well, it was still pretty messy, but when people would come over, it would be at the bvery least, picked up! :-) now that shes a bit older, she has naturally started taking responsibility for her things and actually taking care of things a little bit better...that shows me that what we installed in her did some good, but her own peers had the most impact. So, it may just have to have a natural consequence like that. :-)
...See More
cat_mom
9 years ago
OMG!!! Laughed so hard, I still have tears streaming down my face!

Read it aloud to my husband, and could barely get the words out while reading parts of it becuase I could barely breathe from all the laughing.
naturalpalette
9 years ago
Ewwww. Sorry, but nope.
OllieJane
9 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
We used to live in a very small neighborhood where the homes were built on acreages around a very large pond (some people called it a lake). When my DS was about 4 years old, I told him there were HUGE snapping turtles in the pond and if little kids went down there without there parent's, the snapping turtles would come out of the water and get him! I WANTED him scared to go down there-it worked for awhile!

The Santa thing was good for awhile too-worked every time!
tibbrix
9 years ago
IMO, he didn't achieve what he was trying for. I didn't find this humorous at all. Didn't find it not humorous. Found it smug and missing a beat.

Note to this guy: You are not the first, nor only, parent who loves their children more than anything.

Oh, and farting as you leave walk away from someone is an act of hostility, IMO. You're a father, and adult….act like one.
maire_cate
9 years ago
Oh My - eating the good stuff out of the Oreos and then giving the leftover chocolate wafer to your kids? That is too sad.

Some of them were funny but reading the entire list was too much. I felt a little ill by the time I was done.

I will tell you what my neighbor did to his kids on Christmas Eve that I wish I had known about when my kids were little. He told his children that they weren't allowed downstairs until 8 am on Christmas morning. Then after they fell asleep at night he turned their clocks back an hour so that they didn't come down until 9 am.

One of my children woke up at 5 every Christmas and then woke up his siblings who were only too eager to wake us up too. And after being up until 1 or 2 on Christmas Eve assembling the last of the toys and putting things under the tree - I would have relished sleeping in until ...say....6 am.
joaniepoanie
9 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I think this article is tongue-in-cheek and was not meant to be taken seriously or literally.

OK, I'll cop to it, but I think a lot of parents did/do this. I had 3 kids in less than 4 years and I was usually more exhausted than they were at the end of the day. Occasionally, when they were too young to catch it, I would skip pages during the bedtime story to hurry things along and get more "me" time in the evenings.

Maire-Cate.....would you believe until I was 7 (I was the youngest and had 3 older brothers) my parents didn't even put the tree up until we were all in bed Christmas Eve. They were up all night decorating the tree, putting bikes and toys together, setting up the train set, etc.....I don't know how they did it!

Forgot to add....after opening presents, mom making breakfast, we'd all get dressed and go to Mass. Lunch and later on Christmas dinner.....no dishwashers in those days. Mom must have been up for two days straight....bless her heart!
User
9 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Overall I didn't think it was very nice, but this....

"My youngest insists that he only likes chicken. He actually likes everything. Hamburger is "brown chicken." Lettuce is "green chicken." Carrots are "carrot chicken." In our house, we have "chicken" every night."

...made me laugh.
blfenton
9 years ago
Sheeshareell: I wasn't going to comment on this because it's silly and really isn't comment worthy (IMO) but we had a child just like that. Everything that we fed him began with the word chicken. Oh by the way - milk comes from chicken as well. Just in case you didn't know.
User
9 years ago
Blfenton, LOL. I think the whole chicken thing is cute. All meats in this house are 'chicken' (we do explain that they're not). Most times it doesn't matter as long as there's a dash of ketcup!
blfenton
9 years ago
That's funny. The same kid does love his ketchup. Actually, that kid is now 25 so he eventually figured it out as well.

What do you do to your kids?

MtnRdRedux

Comments (13)

OutsidePlaying

User

Related Discussions

cat_mom

naturalpalette

OllieJane

tibbrix

maire_cate

joaniepoanie

User

blfenton

User

blfenton

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US