While I don't think you should totally put your life on hold, the blunt reality is that if your Mom is 97, the issue will most likely resolve itself one way or another in the short rather than the long term.

I wish I still had my dear mom so that I could drive her places and enjoy her company. If your mom is 97, she isn't going to be around that much longer and your "problem" will be solved.

I understand what you are saying. Take magazines or a book to the hairdressers. Your Mom may have to learn to accept help from others. Sorry but I think Colleen and momrox are right.

Your mom was able to drive until she was 97? She is one lucky woman. She's also lucky to have you.

Does she get her hair done once a week? That seems like a lot, although some might disagree with me. In any case, if it's been her habit all these years I wouldn't suggest changing it. But I know some hairdressers who make regular house calls. Maybe you could set up something like that.

If the friends really don't mind driving her to volunteer, perhaps you can encourage that in a subtle way.

A lot of demands are being made on you right now, but to echo the others' comments, it might help to keep in mind the temporary nature of these demands, and your good fortune in having your mother on this earth for so long.

She has been described by doctors as a miracle in terms of her health and sharp mind. More than one person in her family has made it to over 100, so she may be around for awhile yet.

Honestly, it would be easier if she was losing her marbles because they I could take charge entirely. She is sharp as a tack. I do want her to get out and about since I think that is what keeps her so sharp.

Yes, she is of the generation that has her hair done (cemented in place) once a week. She has it rolled up and sits under the dryer. Yes, I can sit with a book or magazine, but it is a big PITA. Her appointment is Saturday at 9. Ugh. I am retired and try to do my errands on weekdays to avoid the weekend crush.

We are very close and I spend LOTS of time with her. I hope I am not coming across as selfish. Just wondering how others have dealt with this.

Getting old and rather stubborn myself ... I can understand some of your Mom's reluctance to be willing to have friends drive her. But she has to bend that stubbornness a bit, to be willing to let those friends, whom she's so fortunate to have be that willing, to help her in that way.

I don't know whether it would be better to have a stern talk, or ones that became progressively stern, with her ... or be reluctant to drive her yourself sometimes when she wants to go somewhere that the friends are willing to take her. If she misses a few things that she wants to do due to her unwillingness to let them drive her ... perhaps she'd change her tune some?

My Dad used to drive folks in other apartments in his church-operated retirement centre around, when he could drive and they couldn't. As they grew progressively less able, they moved into a building where they went to meals provided, then on another floor the meals were brought to them. Dad was in his apt. until his life ended in a car smash, near here and a long way from his home in Sask., when he was 85, 28 years ago. [Spell check didn't like that "centre" thing].

I hope that I'll still be driving by that age - we have a consultation and written tests every 2 years at 80 and above, with a few selected for a driving test, as well. I'm about to (undergo?) my fourth such experience. At a recent one, I wondered about checking my answers ... but figured that they were O.K. I was the first of about 15 to have my answer paper checked.

I hope that you can get things worked out to everyone's satisfaction .don't want you to be ded tired ... all the time - preferably just on here.

ole joyful ... spell check didn't like that last line - told them to talk to you about it

My mom just gave up her car at 85. She lived out of town and we had to insist that she sell her house and move closer. She is in an apartment that is walking distance to her bank, hair dresser, grocery store, library, etc.

I do drive her to her doctors appts. and if she has things that she wants/needs to do. But, I have had to talk to her about giving me notice when she wants/needs things done. I don't work but I do have a life and like you I do have things planned. She will not allow anyone else to help her either.

Some of you have said the problem will solve itself sooner rather than later but it is also important that the "sooner" time not get filled with resentment that any demands may inflict.

Can her Saturday hair appt be changed by even 1 hour, can groceries be ordered on-line or over the phone and then delivered. I have discovered that it is very important that I be honest and blunt with my mom about being considerate. They are so used to running their own days with no consideration for anyone else because they haven't have to be cognizant of this. Do talk to her and you might be surprised at her willingness to adjust.

Don't forget that they are still mothers and don't intentionally want to upset their children regardless of the fact that those children may be in their 60's/70's and retired.

I have a number of friends who in the past year, like myself, are now caring for their elderly parents and we DO get together and vent and look for and get advice. We did it around the playground when our children were young and quite frankly, I see no difference. We are in new territory as adults and support is so necessary.

Is there a way you could get her a gift certificate or something of that sort to get her started with a new driver? Surprise her with the change one morning and make it a routine.

My fil was ill with brain cancer ten years ago. As much as we loved him and wanted to keep his life as close to the norm as possible, it was very draining on the rest of the family. We had moved out of state a few months previous. We weren't there to help although we did spend all of our vacations coming back to visit him. My bil and sil did the brunt of the work. Everyone felt guilty when he was put into hospice/ a nursing home. The reality was that he wasn't in a position for outside home care. My sil said that one thing that she did enjoy about the change where he no longer lived at home is that she wasn't spending all of her time cleaning house or extra chores. When she visited fil, she got to sit and enjoy talking to him. She had more quality time with him.

I realize our situation was different from yours. You are at that place where you wonder where you are going to resent what you did or didn't do. My fil lived for three years with his condition. That is a short time in years, but a long time when you are under stress. Honestly, I think you need to take of yourself first. We can't take care of of others if we don't take care of our self. You still have plenty of things that you will and can be doing with and for your mother. It is ok to delegate the hairdresser appointment to someone else.

Our family has a similar situation. My sister in law runs her mom and aunt on all of their errands and appointments and sometimes is gone all day. It was really stressing her out, she would come home after spending the day out running and someone inevitably would call and just need one more thing from the store.

She ended up in the hospital with chest pains and thought she was having a heart attack. Fortunately only an anxiety attack but her husband, my BIL, put his foot down and told both her mom and aunt that they would have to start using the van at their retirement communities (of course they aren't at the same facility) for some of these outings. Janis can do some taxiing but no more all day running.

Do you have Dial-a-Ride in your area? Might take a little pressure off you and make her feel a little more independent. Check with your local senior resources (maybe at the hospital, or through the state).

Living in a large house in the boondocks isn't an ideal location for an elderly person.

Is there someone more urban/centrally located, in town or near the normal amenities, where she could be closer to the activities she likes?

I still feel resentment toward my mom who died in 1998. When she had to quit driving at around 80, I was a single mom working full time. She demanded that I drive her to the grocery store, that I took her out for a ride every weekend, etc. She also demanded that I clean her house every Saturday, etc. I finally had to tell help her get some resources, which meant she had someone clean her house, another read her mail to her and yet another helped her write checks to pay her bills.These services were all free because Soc. Sec. was her only income and she was legally blind. My job would not allow me time off to take her to doctor appointments or to get her hair done. Fortunately, our city had Volunteer Wheels, which gave her rides. The times had to be scheduled 24 hours in advance. When she finally had to go to a care home, she complained that the other ladies DDs took them to lunch once a week. I worked in a nearby town and could not take a long lunch every week. Turned out the other ladies DDs did not work outside the home. It was a very stressful time.

Nobody wants to move if it isn't her idea, & if it's not absolutely medically necessary for *her* benefit & safety, I my own self wouldn't mention it.

Save your fire for what you absolutely must have, which is some breathing space/time.

If moving does become medically necessary, make her doctor bring it up.

Nobody is entitled to say,
"I don't want Benjie to take me to the (fill-in-the-blank), I want *you*."

not that she probably realizes that that's what she's doing, but...that's what she's doing.

Rather than putting limitations or demands on her, you might approach it from the perspective of your own limitations;
show her your schedule, & let her know the bind you're in, & see if she doesn't suggest something that she can do differently.

I wish you the very best.

Looking back on it now, it's all kind of bitter sweet. But it's hard, doubly hard when trying to set some reasonable boundaries. I was fortunate in being able to retire early under my company's "rule of 80", sell my house and come back here to look after aging parents. My father died not too long after I got here, and my Mother, in her 80's, was starting the slow descent into Alzheimer's.

For a period of a few years, I was also doing double duty keeping Mother's older sister (in her 90's) as "independent" as possible. Funny thing about independence - only insofar as having someone else willing to do the legwork. Caregiving at home and all that that entailed, plus grocery shopping, chauffeuring to appointments, being the financial PAO for my aunt who, though well to do, had managed to make a pretty tangled mess of her affairs, left me with little "me" time over those years

But you do it.

And it was an object lesson for me. Affairs in order and a rough but realistic idea of what to do for myself (so someone doesn't do it to me) when I can no longer manage.

I wish you well.

I'm very sympathetic, dedtired. If you haven't had a talk with her about what SHE can do to make it easier for the both of you, you should. She should certainly expect to make some concessions and may be happy to do so.

Ask her what she would do if you did a bit of traveling. Is she amenable to cab service? And what about assisted living?

Now that she has lost her ability to get up and go, that big old house may begin to feel like a prison. That's what happened with my mother; she was happy to make that move when she could no longer drive.

She gained a social life, drivers to her appointments, even to her long standing hair appts. and pedicures. She said that it was the best thing she had ever done for herself.

You absolutely do NOT sound selfish; your concerns are normal and honest. Have that talk with your mother. Perhaps, you could do a trial run with her for her first cab ride and first service bus ride. Then, she will be more comfortable on her own.

"Mother, there are going to be times when I can't drive you places, and it's important that you continue to stay as busy as you like. What do you say about you and I giving some local cab and bus services a trial run together, just to check them out? "

Hi again Ded-ly tired,

Do you have a regular schedule?

If so, would it be well to have your Mom have a copy of it, so that she'd know when at least a number of your busy times are, so could make an effort to avoid making demands/(requests?) of you at such times?

ole joyful

When I read your post, I felt you have a resentment having to deal with your mother.

My dear, how many years of her life has she devoted to you? Many of us would give our right arm to be able to have our mothers so we could spend time with them and take them where they needed to go.

I know you "have a life of your own", but just think....some day, this could be you and how would you want your son to treat you? "Losing her marbles" sounds a bit harsh to me...I'd certainly hope my children do not talk about me to others using those terms.

Now that she can no longer drive, it might be a good time to "suggest" that she might enjoy the companionship of others in an assisting living facility...but let it be her decision.

Until my mother died last year at 94, I was helping her and my sister stay independent in their own homes for years. I was retired but it was like having a job and I was run ragged, exhausted. I did get resentful which made me feel guilty. My sister finally made it clear to our other siblings that I was getting overwhelmed, so they got my mom to hire a woman to be her " gofer". I still did doctor's appts, hair dresser, etc but Ginger did most of her shopping, stopped in every morning to do eye drops and afternoon to bring her thee paper. My sister is my twin and she had to stop working when we were in our forties because of lupus and R A. I got over that resentment a long time ago. I am grateful I am the one able to give help and not need it. Not the same as your mother, but the sense of responsibility and the demands are similar. Do what you can to get her schedule to work with yours, like change the hair appt. good luck. Your worries are normal.

I know exactly what you are going through. My Dad did the same thing to me, after my mom passed. Demanded that I drop everything in my life to take care of what was going on in his. He lived 85 miles away, but in his world, that did not make a darn bit of difference.

I swear, I would get on the back road home, and I would scream at the top of my lungs just to get the frustration out of my system.

After Dad had a stroke he had to be moved into a nursing home. I moved him to a town closer to me, still a 30 mile drive. But I went in to see him almost every day for two years, took him out for treats, haircuts, a little shopping. On weekends I'd bring him home so he could enjoy some fresh air, wide open spaces, home cooking.

When he was diagnosed with terminal cancer, I spent every minute I could with him. When he was moved to the palliative ward in the hospital, I moved in with him for the remaining week of his life.

I would not have changed one thing. I came to realize that he did everything he could for me when I needed him, the least I could do was make his last couple of years as easy as I could. He's been gone 3 years now, and I miss him every single day.

I know it is stressful right now, and you will have to make adjustments in your schedule, and hers as well, but treasure the time you have left with your mom. I will be worth it in the end.

Godspeed

Darlene

My mother never learned to drive a car. My dad died in 1968 and not only did I have to take on all of her driving, she also would no longer cook "just for herself", so I did that as well. And she was great to line me up to drive for her friends and to cook for her when she invited company over. I did it, but I can't say that she appreciated it very much. I seldom got a kind word from her, and I took care of her until the day she died in 1997.

duluth brings up a really good point about living "independent". My mother thinks that she is living independently but it's only because I am holding it together for her so that she can do so and think so. I hope that we can get a year for her of her living "independently" in the city, anything else will be a blessing.

She will hate being in a seniors facility and living with me is not an option - I'm not that gracious or giving.

Thank you for all the suggestions and support. I absolutely do not resent having to drive Mom. I just cannot give up my own life to do so as I am not getting any younger either. I'm in my late 60's. I raised kids and worked all my life and now I am enjoying travel and going to shows and museums or whatever. She and I will have to work out a plan for her to get around when I am not available, which isn't often.

She has been the only person in my life who was always there when I needed her. Of course she cared for us when we were children, as I did with my own children. She never had to care for an elderly parent. Her sister did that.

I am sure we'll work it out. I hope she will consider a retirement community soon. There is a beautiful one less than a mile from my house. It would be nice to have her settled in there while she can still participate and get to know some people. I'd never pressure her to move if she doesn't want it, though.

It is hard when parents live to be ultra-old and the "children" also qualify as senior citizens. I know I will be heartbroken when she is gone.

When my mother was alive, we worked these things out. I was open to helping her out in any way on certain days, and she helped by making her appointments and errands for those days. Of course, there were emergencies and things that went awry, but we adjusted. But it helped a lot that we both had a few simple boundaries.

Keep your boundaries, and respect them. You will both benefit for that mutual respect.

Mutual respect - great concept. Just like the Golden Rule, another of my favorites.

I had one parent who was easy to get along with in all respects until death, the other one thereafter had an attitude problem that he figured everyone else needed to accommodate and deal with. I refused, saying he needed to meet me halfway. That wasn't what he had in mind and so as time went on he got harder to deal with and I became less sympathetic and available. Until the last few months, he was healthy, well cared for, and with sufficient means and ability to do everything he wanted. Except he was never successful in his efforts to browbeat and complain about me and other members of the family, we ignored him .

When older people start to lose their mental faculties, it's a different story. For those who are in a right mind but think they have the right to be unreasonably demanding, they'll get away with it and burden you only if you let them.

i have to lol at the thought of moving anyone's mother from her BIG house, to a "better location"...

i do agree mom needs to make a set routine that can exist with yours, and yes look into cab or elder services for your traveling times...bless you! it's tough when you become the care-giver, sigh....

It may seem funny, susan, but that very issue is being dealt with right now in my extended family.

An 85 year old living alone in a house that she can't look after. She has the money but is too cheap to pay for the help needed for cleaning and maintenance. Plumbing, heating, the roof, the wiring, are all starting to fail and she complains about the problems. The property is in a nice area and has value, it would be bought as a knockdown for the building of a new structure.

She should be in (and can afford) an upscale apartment or an apartment in a facility that caters to seniors, where she could enjoy activities and the company of others. She doesn't want to move but complains about the problems.

Her kids are tired of her unwillingness to consider the obviously better alternatives. They decided there's no other way but for her to experience the inconveniences of the house, because of her choice to stay.

Any suggestions I could pass along?

Think about what would happen if you sprain your ankle or get the flu? Explain that type scenerio to your mom and begin the search for a driver for 1 day a week (to start). It will take your mom a little time to get acclimated to a new person, but will provide her some independence and give you some piece of mind.

This was my life not long ago. My dad is now in a nursing home due to the final stages of cancer. But about 10 years ago he lost his license because of his eyes. The rest of his body was working fine. My dad was only in his early 70's when this happened and we knew we could have many years ahead for us to be available for his every demand. My father is an outgoing guy and wanted to run every day and night. He used to go to every school athletic event both boys and girls teams and every sport. There were three of us running him around.

We finally had to use some tough love with him. We told him what day we would be there to do his errands and he had to plan ahead. We would drive him to the drug store, grocery store etc at one time. When he made his doctor appointments, he had to call one of us and we would talk among ourselves to see if one of us could bring him. If not, he would have to reschedule. Obviously, if this was an emergency doctor appointment, we would drop everything.

Long story short, he learned quickly how to prioritize and plan ahead. We really had to hang tough. During this time, he had some awful temper tantrums. After about six months of his tantrums, he learned that we were not going to budge. He knew if he wanted to maintain his lifestyle of going wherever he wanted, he needed to ask others for help. He met a lonely man who had just lost his wife. He was more than willing to drive him around especially to all his sporting events. This man is very shy and didn't have any other friends. It worked out great for him because it got him out of the house and he met others and now has some great friends of his own.

Your mom needs to be forced to ask others for help. I know it's hard but for your own sanity, it's necessary. I wish you luck. I remember those hard days. (Sorry this is so long)

Thanks again for all your comments. It's good to hear how others have coped.

Today was our first trip to the hairdresser. Left at 9 a.m. I ran a few errands, then came back but she was still in there. I sat and listened to the radio and watched all the other elderly ladies park the car. Yikes. One woman took at least ten tries before she got it straight. Her car was enormous. Then she pops the trunk and gets out her walker. She was so bent, she was shaped like the letter L. Brave soul, but probably should not be driving.

Another woman pulls in and promptly parks her car in the middle of the "aisle" so people could barely squeak by. Then she got her two little dogs out of the car and took them into the hairdresser with her, oblivious to the fact that she was blocking traffic.

It's scary out there!

After that, we stopped at the bank. Then she went to the grocery for a couple things and comes out 30 minutes later with six bags. I sat in the car and read the paper.

All this took nearly 3.5 hours. Yikes. I feel so bad because I know she feels terrible about intruding on my time. I tell her I don't mind. I really don't. I just wish it took less time. Oh well.

It's kind of interesting to sit in a parking lot and watch the people come and go. There sure are a lot of rotten drivers of all ages.

I like so many would give anything to have their Mom still with them but most of us do understand what you're going through.....
My Mom ended up in a nursing home the last year of her life and also expected my sister or I to be there every day...If the weather was nice, I'd say, lets go for a ride and off we'd go, trying to find a road we hadn't been on...So many times, she'd say, "Do you think we're lost?" and I would say, "not lost, just misplaced a little" and she'd laugh...Those times, I miss so badly...
But, I do agree, it's tough to be a care giver..I also think, if you have all week open, then try to talk her into another day for her hair and them maybe make it a fun day...Even if she won't change, plan to get your groceries at the same time, don't sit in the car...Plan to go to lunch or maybe even a movie...But, make it a day you'll both look forward too.....
Just this last Wed. we attended a funeral for my husband's aunt who would have been 102 in March..She, also, was as sharp as a tack but the body was just tired and she slept away...Her daughter has lived with her for years and will be so lost now that her Mom is gone.....
Best wishes to you and your Mom......Just remember, you're not alone....

Elderly people are often really quite afraid. They cling to what *used* to be good for them -- like the big house.

I wonder who is cleaning and maintaining dedtired's mom's house. A friend recently moved her parents into assisted living. When she started preparing their home for sale she was horrified to see how they had been living. She'd never realized how bad it was. Her parents have perked up just with regular, decent food in clean conditions -- and the companionship of other people, residents and staff. They are actually *relieved* to find 'something better'!

IMO dedtired should only be available for companionship and emergencies. Her mom can arrange for a driver or let friends transport her on errands. She wants to be 'independent', not 'dependent', right?

This will require 'Mom' to take stock and consider her options anew. The too big, remote house may be something that belongs in the past, when it didn't detract from her happiness. (I am presuming that dedtired is not being pressed to run errands because those are the only times a lonely lady can depend upon seeing her.)

The accident is a good starting point for reconsidering where we go from here. Don't let this temporary situation 'settle in'.

My mother has a cleaning lady who comes every other week. Her house is as clean as a whistle. She does her own laundry. She hires people to take care of the yard. My son helps with that, too. I should mention that my mother has plenty of money. Finances are not an issue, not that she can afford a chauffeur and a limousine!

Thanks for the information. I didn't mean to infer that your mother lives in squalor! LOL

So...she is used to hiring 'help'. If she doesn't want to move, she could hire help to landscape, clean...and drive. She would need to buy another car, or find someone who already has one. An alternative would be to set up a scheduled arrangement with a limo service.

You want to be her daughter, not her chauffeur.

Destined....thanks for your last couple of posts. By "plenty of money", do you mean she has enough resources to be able to live comfortably in an independent or assisted living facility? It is good that she is able to hire a cleaning person and someone to take care of her yard.

I am not near her age yet (73), but am looking into places that I (and not my kids) would like to live when the time comes that I need help. So far, I am able to take care of myself, but I NEVER want to burden my children, except in an emergency. Two years ago, I built a new home....fully handicapped accessible, hoping with all new things, I will be able to stay here for many more years. Some days, I think it might be nice to live in an assisted living facility....someone to cook my meals, people to visit with, clean my house, and a bus to take me to outings...and with all the taxes, insurance, utilities, food, etc., it would not be much more than owning this house. I am a very social person and it does get very lonely at times since my DH passed away, but I realize the kids have their own lives and do not visit as often as I would like......but that is life!

Is there a reason why you can not get your groceries when your mom gets hers? Take a book or magazine when you take her to her hair dresser...but cherish time you are able to spend with her while you have her...you will never be sorry. My mother had ALZ...and for many, many years, her mind was gone...oh my, talk about hard! We finally had to put her in a NH after she had some bad strokes and was more than we children could handle...so I know the heartache of being a caregiver also.

Blessings to you....hang in there...and this too shall pass.

I was certainly fortunate regarding my mother. Just a couple of years after my dad died, when I was on a visit (I lived about 900 miles away.), Mother asked me to go with her to all of the assisted living places so that she could "check them out".

She made up her mind within five minutes of entering THE place and moved in within a couple of months.

She was in great health, still drove all over the place...became quite the grande dame at the 'home'.

snidely? suggest the family to threaten a nursing home and lack of independence that goes with it.. also they might have to go one step further and get a court p.o.a.....that way the children have control. or a family intervention? the children can lay out a plan of apt. taking furniture needed and selling the rest. if my friend can go from a lovely 3000sf home to 900 sq ft asst living for 2, you know it can be done...

I say lol, but we're in our 5th month of fil moved out of his 2n dw house....(omg! orange shag carpeting, wallpaper everywhere, and barely functioning bathrooms) and into a nursing home. he'd fallen more than 3 times and we had enough (all long distance). boy does the money go fast! we've had to cash in savings, insurance, ect, to get him ready for Medicaid....another nightmare. also his dynamics with dh have changed drastically...(he's seeing the person I've seen for years controlling and judge-mental)

I do feel bad with all that's transpired, having to be p.o.a. over someone else life is difficult at best...

'snidely? suggest the family to threaten a nursing home and lack of independence that goes with it.. also they might have to go one step further and get a court p.o.a.....that way the children have control. or a family intervention? the children can lay out a plan of apt. taking furniture needed and selling the rest. '

Well, now, that sounds like the actions of a loving family!

The fact that somebody's old & won't do what you want her to do doesn't mean that you have the right to "threaten" her or dictate where she lives or take/sell her stuff or get a judge to declare her incompetent, although I'm sure it happens all the time.

You'd think old people would have the decency to just die & get out of the way so their kids can have the estate sale!

Snidely, all I think you can do, or any of us could do, is to sit down & lay your cards on the table & respect her right to make her decisions, letting her know how much you can do & what you cannot do.

If she wants to stay in her home (a decision with which I am completely sympathetic & supportive), & you can't do x, y, or z, let her know that, so that she can make arrangements to have x, y, & z done or come to an alternative decision.

I wish you all the best.

My sisters and I have been through something similar with our now-94-year-old mother. She got to the point when she really couldn't handle the house anymore, even though she had twice-a-month housecleaning (which took her a LONG time to decide to do,) and mowing. The idea of leaving her house for her was heartbreaking; she had been a widow for so long that I think the house had become akin to a spouse for her, in a way. We finally laid out for her that she could either hire a lot more help as only one sister lives in her town, move to assisted living or move to sister's house. The decision was almost made for her as some health problems intervened and she is now happily residing at my sister's house and doing well.

For many people of her generation, the idea of hiring someone to do what they have always done without a thought is almost anathema. The Depression had a huge impact on her life and it was very hard for her to spend money for her own benefit.

Snidely, please consider treating elderly people with more patience and a different attitude. You have to take into consideration long-held habits that are not easily overturned, and relationships (father-son?) that are not easily reversed. Giving ultimatums and trying to force quick decisions is very hard on the elderly.

I'm not sure which of my specific comments you're referring to, sjerin. The 85 year old in the house needing more repairs than are possible isn't my direct relative, I'm a bystander, only an observer to what's going on. She's not very smart and doesn't deal well with new situations or change. Those involved have given up trying to work with her, having decided that the best way to deal with her stubbornness is to wait her out. Things that can't be fixed can't be fixed, and when she tires of the problems and inconveniences, she'll decide to move. Or not, her choice.

I don't think advancing age is an excuse for becoming difficult with others and closed minded. If someone has their marbles, they're entitled to make their own choices and enjoy or suffer the consequences without overly burdening others.

If they they've lost mental capacity then others need to act on their behalf for their own welfare. You can go to court and have a custodian appointed when a person isn't able to function normally (whether from dementia or the other causes).

just have the family check her mail though...fil and w#2 (according to her dd) started collecting coins...i jhave 3 boxes that just arrived in the mail. dh tried calling them explaining he cannot buy anything other than personal use (like a new wheel chair) ect...and the junk mail we're receiving! omg...(yes i had listed him 2x on the junk mail list don't send) and some is pure trash...

you sure don't want to find out she's sent credit card to get a check for $100,000...it's pitiful what these crooks can come up with! i kid you not! one letter today was post marked China!!