How long have they been married?

Is this behavior a recent thing, or has he done this all along?

My sister is like that except when our Mom gave us our inheritance, my sister opened her a savings account her husband can't touch it. She put her son's names on it as heirs. He controls her in every way and after 40 years she is well trained.

I also have a friend that doesn't know how much money they have. Her husband wants to sell the home and move to Missouri, because they can't afford the taxes in Kansas. She told me she didn't want to move there. She had relatives in Arkansas and would be okay with that. I explained to her what can happen her. He can't sell it without her signature and once he gets the money he can buy a home anywhere he wants to. So far she is still living here.

I really don't understand people like that, but if I had married a dominating man I am not sure how I would have handled it. I think I would have just left him, because security is my number one priority after family.

She should not sign anything that she has not read, I would advise her to insist that she reads WHATEVER she signs...

real estate ownership is public record, so she should be able to go down to a local office (county, probably) and look up the property and see the name it is under.

In this day and age, these are unbelievable stories. It's not abuse, it's extreme stupidity. A person can't be kept in the dark on such matters without agreeing to the arrangement explicitly or implicitly by not speaking up. In this case, the time to speak up was before they got married.

How does she find out? She should ask for all available information and an explanation. If that's not offered, the next step would be to visit with an attorney. There's no reasonable status quo here to feel protective about.

Some counties have their information on line so your friend can go to the County property appraiser's web site and find out who is listed as owner, but you also go to the county clerk's official records web site and find the deed to see who is listed on it.

As far as tax returns go, she needs to see the return before signing anything. I wonder if she can get copies of past returns from the IRS.

I'm not sure it's abuse, but it sure is foolish and controlling IMO.

She can find out if her name is on the house by visiting the local deed office- that might be called a few different names, and I'm not sure what it's called by you. But the clerk of courts can usually tell you what the local deed office is called.

If she is getting a SS check, I would guess it's direct deposit if she isn't getting the check itself, but the hubby is giving her money. She would have had to have signed for this to happen at some point, otherwise the hubby committed forgery if he did it to her and signed off in her name. But she can go to the SS office and find out where her check is going- and if needed, open her own bank account and start having the check deposited into that account instead.

With the credit card, she might be out of luck- if it's in his name, they won't tell her the status of the account. She might be able to find out more about her fiscal state by getting a detailed credit report though. She could check with the bank about account information too, but that may or may not yield results.

She could sit him down and have a serious discussion with him about her fears of what might happen if he should pass before she does, but since I don't know the couple I can't say how wise it would be for her to have that discussion.

Some people are not as strong as others. I and 2 of my sisters are very strong women, my younger sister is a border line schizophrenic. In spite of her domineering husband ways he is loyal to her, another man might have been long gone by now. It works for her and him so we don't question it. Her sons will take care of her.

This poor person got into this predicament partially through ignorance, but also by being meek and passive.

Doing more of the same isn't thoughtful. Contact the SS office, the county recorder, getting a credit check?

Hogwash. The answers to her questions are available from the person sitting next to her at the breakfast table. If good answers aren't willingly provided, I'm serious, she should pack a bag and find a friend to stay with. There's no need to leave dinner in the fridge for him before going.

"...he's sittin' on the sofa, lookin; for his supper wonderin' what's become of me."
- Kate Wolf - ballad singer

Computer transcripts of tax returns may be obtained free of charge from the IRS, either at an office (with proper ID) or at http://www.irs.gov/Individuals/Get-Transcript (online or mail).

Actual photocopies take longer and there's a charge for them.

Copies of tax returns are also available from the person at the breakfast table.

This person is unlikely to take the necessary positive steps acting on her own. Absent a change of heart from her spouse, she does need an outsider for help and to be her advocate.

Thanks, some good ideas, She is afraid of him. He is a retired General, and she was always the obedient wife and mother of 7 children, but he has gotten mean as well as controlling. I have told her to leave, but she has no money...her kids are not helping, as they are all moochers, except for the blind boy. He wouldn't even let her put up a Christmas tree.

Well he doesn't have his subordinates to push around anymore so he is taking it out on her. Make no mistake - this is definitely abuse. He might be mentally ill, but that does not mean his behavior is acceptable.

Perhaps she should contact an abuse hotline and ask if they could help her find an attorney who will help ensure that she is provided for if he dies. With 7 kids, he might have other things in mind.

How far are you willing to go? Bring her and her son if needed to your house. Contact an attorney, an abuse hotline, SS office, etc. Let her stay with you until this can get sorted out. She has to be willing to LEAVE him. She will have money as in her SS, maybe part of his, alimony etc. If she is not, then this is pointless. She has to decide if this is how she wants to live.

It's true that unless she wants to help herself she will be stuck in that morass forever.

Just because a spouse hides money, doesn't mean that the other spouse isn't entitled to it. Even if she is not in a community property state, as his spouse she will be entitled to a part of the marital assets. These are all legal issues and she really should consult an attorney. It would be interesting to know if this man has a will.

If she was married to him for most of his military career, she would also be eligible for part of his military retirement. But as mentioned, the first step would be to see a lawyer. She also needs to find out if he signed up for SBP when he retired. If so, she will receive part of his retirement pay when he dies.

This is abusive, but it may have also gotten worse if he is in the early stages of Alzheimers. She needs outside advice, like a social services agency, since she likely doesn't have money to retain a lawyer. She could also communicate her concerns to his family physician to see if he can size up the situation at the husband's next physical.

I think dreamgarden is right on, totally perfect! Bravo(a)!

equitable distribution can be as good as (or better) than community property

Check out the resources at the National Domestic Violence hotline. 1-800-799-7233 : 1-800-787-3224 (TTY). See link below. In particular, the "Is This Abuse" section.

Edited to add: There is also a section under "Get Help" with information about how friends can help.

Here is a link that might be useful: National Domestic Violence hotline

This post was edited by lcm_maine on Fri, Jan 9, 15 at 12:28

**If she was married to him for most of his military career, she would also be eligible for part of his military retirement.**

This is correct -- something my mother (who hired an idiot attorney) found out well after her divorce was finalized. Would have been a very welcome source of income in her retirement years.

I believe that this lady would also be eligible for part of her husband social security should they divorce. Could be wrong on that, but it's worth checking out.

Just a few basic questions. Does she drive, or use a computer? Exactly how isolated is she? And, does she even have the ability to carry out any of the very good suggestions? Or would that fall on you or others? It sounds like this has been an ongoing situation.

Seeing what has happened to my close friends of many years, (seemingly strong independent women) when husbands died boggles my mind.

One sat right at her kitchen table with her husband of 20 years and his lawyer going over his final will just before he entered hospice. Yet, everything he owned including their 5 BR home was left to adult children from his first marriage that he hadn't seen in years! She had lifetime use but couldn't sell and move someplace smaller. Speak up, woman!!!

Another is discovering that, in her 70's she owes monthly mortgage HOA fees/payments on their condo, taxes and upkeep on their summer cottage, and $400/mo on his leased truck. And their financial planner is telling her they have no savings left! Strong, intelligent women. WTH?

I have know three women that were in this situation. Two left with their children in the middle of the night. One carried a gun in her purse for several years. It must be harder on an older woman who has endured this for a long time.

How can she see an attorney if she has no money? A man who is that controlling may have cut her off from her family and friends. Can she move freely outside of the home? Can she get phone calls without him knowing what she's discussing? She most likely doesn't have her own cell phone. If she does indeed have a good reason to fear him, either physically, or because he will leave her without funds, she will have to be very clandestine about seeking help.

"How can she see an attorney if she has no money? A man who is that controlling may have cut her off from her family and friends."

Hopefully, at least one of her 7 children care enough to help.

If he's doing that, he's probably spending money they don't have also.

A friend of mine who was kept in the dark got a knock on the door of their very nice house one day, and it was the new owner.

The husband hadn't been paying on the mortgage for a long time.

If they are near a military base she can find help there. There must be someone who would accompany her to the base and get things started.

Also, in all likelihood he has an SBP plan which he would have had to pay into, but which would give her (them) some retirement funds over and above others.

A general's pay and allowances are substantial and should provide nicely for both of them.

Great suggestions all but if he is getting mean and controlling it could be a sign of Alzheimer's or PTSD. Given his military background it could be either.

Your friend definitely needs to do something ASAP. I not sure the military will be much help given he was a General. They tend to protect their own though things may be different now.

DreamGarden's list is a great place to start but she also needs a safe place to run to if he finds out she is snooping and gets violent. I think I'd call the National Abuse Hotline or the local crisis center before I started snooping and have a safety plan in place first.

What you describe is domestic violence, with an emphasis on economic abuse.

National Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
1-800-787-3224 (TTY)

from: http://www.justice.gov/ovw/domestic-violence

We define domestic violence as a pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another intimate partner. Domestic violence can be physical, sexual, emotional, economic, or psychological actions or threats of actions that influence another person. This includes any behaviors that intimidate, manipulate, humiliate, isolate, frighten, terrorize, coerce, threaten, blame, hurt, injure, or wound someone....

Emotional Abuse: Undermining an individual's sense of self-worth and/or self-esteem is abusive. This may include, but is not limited to constant criticism, diminishing one's abilities, name-calling, or damaging one's relationship with his or her children.

Economic Abuse: Is defined as making or attempting to make an individual financially dependent by maintaining total control over financial resources, withholding one's access to money, or forbidding one's attendance at school or employment.

Psychological Abuse: Elements of psychological abuse include - but are not limited to - causing fear by intimidation; threatening physical harm to self, partner, children, or partner's family or friends; destruction of pets and property; and forcing isolation from family, friends, or school and/or work.

Domestic violence can happen to anyone regardless of race, age, sexual orientation, religion, or gender. Domestic violence affects people of all socioeconomic backgrounds and education levels. Domestic violence occurs in both opposite-sex and same-sex relationships and can happen to intimate partners who are married, living together, or dating.

Domestic violence not only affects those who are abused, but also has a substantial effect on family members, friends, co-workers, other witnesses, and the community at large. Children, who grow up witnessing domestic violence, are among those seriously affected by this crime. Frequent exposure to violence in the home not only predisposes children to numerous social and physical problems, but also teaches them that violence is a normal way of life - therefore, increasing their risk of becoming society's next generation of victims and abusers.

OK I stumbled accidentally on this thread & ran a google search out of curiosity. If the code hasn't changed, it appears the lady isn't as destitute as OP may lead one to believe:

"

2006 Alabama Code - Section 43-8-70 — Right of surviving spouse to elective share.

(a) If a married person domiciled in this state dies, the surviving spouse has a right of election to take an elective share of the estate. The elective share shall be the lesser of:

(1) All of the estate of the deceased reduced by the value of the surviving spouse's separate estate; or

(2) One-third of the estate of the deceased.

(b) The "separate estate" of the surviving spouse shall include:

(1) All property which immediately after the death of the decedent is owned by the spouse outright or in fee simple absolute;

(2) All legal and equitable interests in property the possession or enjoyment of which are acquired only by surviving the decedent; and

(3) All income and other beneficial interests:

a. Under a trust;

b. In proceeds of insurance on the life of the decedent; and

c. Under any broad-based nondiscriminatory pension, profit-sharing, stock bonus, deferred compensation, disability, death benefit or other such plan established by an employer.

(c) If a married person not domiciled in this state dies, the right, if any, of the surviving spouse to take an elective share in property in this state is governed by the law of the decedent's domicile at death.

(Acts 1982, No. 82-399, §2-201.)"

http://law.justia.com/codes/alabama/2006/30792/43-8-70.html

According to Widipedia, "Elective Share" means: "An elective share is a term used in American law relating to inheritance, which describes a proportion of an estate which the surviving spouse of the deceased may claim in place of what they were left in the decedent's will. It may also be called a widow's share, statutory share, election against the will, or forced share." (Look up the entry on Wiki)

I don't feel free or comfortable to comment or speculate on the character or mental state of a person I've never even met, namely the husband. One can't do that on the basis of one side's version only.

Weighing in with others: it is Abuse. She is probably so emotionally battered that she can't act on her own. Hopefully, somebody in her family will throw her a life saver and get her into therapy or a support group where she can recognize what happened and save herself. Very sad.

I would be concerned about the legitimacy of those tax returns. If he won't let her see them when she signs, either he is hiding their income, deductions and payments from her just because he wants to keep her in the dark, OR he is filing fraudulent returns. For which she would be left on the hook.

She can get copies of the returns, but without knowing anything about their true income and expenses, how would she know that they are legit?

has an advocate for domestic violence victims, this is abuse. The wife needs to seek counseling and legal assistance. Also, no more signing of documents unless she reads them first. It is my guess, that he is hiding money and everything is in his name only, not a good situation all away around. Hope she gets the help she needs and yes she has reason to be concern.

Help from the kids?

Except for the blind one ... the O P said that they were moochers.

Probably/ (quite likely?) a pretty thin cane to lean on for support when combatting their dad (who may have them somewhat cowed, as well).

ole joyful ... (whose original mental suggestion, later abandoned, was, "Shoot him")

Argh! What happened?!

This like a soap series at this point, kind of want to know what happened next!