yoyo, I vote you start a new one as you are a dab-hand with those rhyming couplets/limericks etc.

I'm voting with you, vee! It would be great to read the previous literary effort for grins and inspiration, though.

Okay you guys, ready?
Here goes............ahem.......

"'Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the house,
I wandered quite bleary,
With stains on my blouse.

A steam-hammer walloped its tune in my head,
My stomach was churning - I wished I were dead.

Surrounded by bottles I slumped to the floor
And lay in a heap, when in through the door . . .

Walked Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme,
"Oh, get out" I shouted
"You're in the wrong rhyme!"

Came my sweet sober hubby,
(He still makes me trembly!)
Announcing: " It's time for
the required TOY ASSEMBLY."

In my sad state I grasped a screwdriver
And heartily wished for a hangover reviver.

The directions were written
in Russian and Welsh (sorry Dee)
and I howled when I saw them
in spite of myself.
More obtuse than Dickens,
more wordy than Joyce-
why didn't we pay elves
when we had the choice?

I'm assaulted by batteries,
I've dropped fiddly bits,
There's glue in my hair
and my cat's having fits...

And if that's not sufficient,
To top off my day,
My Mother-In-Law's dinner
Is having it's say.

My stomach is making
A noise that's spells doom,
And then in a twinkling
I dashed from the room!

O'er the next several minutes a veil should be drawn...
And then I returned feeling rather forlorn.

"And where were you, hubby, when I made all that clatter?
Why didn't you come to see what was the matter?"

With eyes that were wild
and hair that was pulled,
dear hubby looked up
from a pile of wood

"a doll's house this won't be"
he sadly exclaimed
"the side wall is missing
and the puppy's to blame!"

Went up to the attic
In search of some board
I did find some brandy
Ah! that's a reward

I tried in the garage
But no hope, I fear
Except I found unposted
Cards from last year...

There were some to Italia,
And plenty to Wales,
And one not intacta
That had me in gales -

When I read it - of laughter -
A sober thought came....
Then.... I thought... What if, after-
-wards I had gone lame

With the booze and the scurridge
That got me before
I started this rubbish -
THEN! I RAN for the door

To post last year's cards my mission became
As I staggered my way through the mist and the rain
To the box, where the postman was clearing the mail
What he said at the sight of me, I'll draw a veil.

A man came up to me
A queer-looking bloke
With white bushy whiskers
And red fur-lined cloak

"I'm told that you need this.
It's something you lack"
He then smiled and gave me
An O.K-a pack!

With easy assembly,
Instructions quite clear.
A home for a dolly.
We both gave a cheer...

I said, " Where's the reindeer?"
"Where is your sleigh?"
And the Fat Furball snickered,
" Whoa! You've had a bad day?"

"Come on" said St Nick. "My night's one long slog
Lets go to the pub for some hair of the dog."

"So onward we wended, out into the fog.
"Beware," Santa warned me, avoid the Egg Nog...."

"Well, maybe a drop", I said with a grin -
But just then I heard a harrowing din!
The spouse was still grappling with parts and frustration;
Could I leave home now to quaff down some libation?

Before I could think
Of an answer to that,
Poor Old Nick changed his mind
Saying that he felt fat.

I've got errands to do
On this crazy Eve night
So if you don't mind
I'll just vanish from sight!

As if by magic
he leapt in the air
and landed in a sleigh
that was suddenly there

I hurried back home
Inspiration had struck
"Give that mess to the children
Let them try their luck!"

The children were nestled all snug in their beds
Little knowing come morning they'd needs must use their heads;
In order to play with their new Santa toys
And reward their poor parents with plenty of noise.

The morning's fresh dawn, sunlight striking the clocks
Showed toys in the trash and kids happy in the box.

And as Santa went home
Half asleep in his sleigh
He called out "I'm finished,
Enjoy Christmas Day"

Ah, lest you forget ----
It's not over yet---
New Years's, Boxing Day,
And more guests that stay!

Okay Martin,

Please put up our old TTNBC for us to enjoy again!
As I recall, there was a smutty policeman somewhere in it....!

Yoyobon, that was so much fun. I have been thinking and muttering in rhyme these last few days in an effort to come up with something acceptable to follow the others' brilliant efforts! The Toy Assembly theme was a wonderful idea!

What happened to this thread? Where are the contributors?

I think we felt it was wrapped up? Keep it going......

I am hoping Martin finds our old one and posts it!!

Mary,

This thread it has wended
Its way 'cos it's ended.
May the season's most splended
Good cheer fall on all.

Don't worry - I haven't forgotten it. I do have it, but it needs a bit of editing. Give me a couple of days!

Yaaay!

Thanks Martin.....it will be better than ever !

While we wait for Martin, do you want to run with this?

I Don't Believe in Santa,

"I don't believe in Santa!"
Said my cross and cranky son.
He scowled at the plate by the chimney
With the goodies I'd set out for fun.

"I'm not leaving this stuff uneaten
For no-one is coming I think."
And he took one of Blitzen's carrots
After slurping down Santa's drink........

The stockings on the mantel
Hung limply in dispair,
Of course they were for Santa...
They were far too ugly to wear!

It is very weary-ing,
being gruff and cross.
My son had worn his temper out
Maligning Santa Claus

As he sat there frowning,
beligerant and gross -
His head began to bob a bit,
His eyes began to close

He sank deeply into sleep, and started soon to snore;
I sighed, I shook my head, and opened wide the kitchen door.
"Santa," I sighed to the star-filled sky,'before your night is through -
Can you convince this bonehead kid that you are really YOU? Or what the Dickens will I do?"

When what to my wondering eyes did appear?
But a portly old chap with eight tiny reindeer.
I wondered and wondered but to no avail
As the sled ripped up my lawn leaving quite a long trail....

"Whoops, sorry" said old Santa
"This trip's been hard to arrange
I'm battling Santa sceptics
And Earth's sad climate change"

"Here's something that might help you
With your disbelieving lad"
He gave me Church's essay.
Santa's really quite well-read!

OK - here is the original one at last!

My apologies for the delay. It's been edited so it reads a bit better, but I've made no attempt to correct scansion or spelling!

The Night Before Christmas - RP - 2004

'Twas the week after Christmas
And all through the house
Are half-eaten goodies....
I feel like a louse!

The black bags of rubbish are put out with care
In hopes that the dustbinman soon will be there.

(PS: for US readers substitute "garbageman" for "dustbinman"; for PC US readers substitute "environmental recycling operative")

But long before then the cats and the foxes
Have scattered the bottles, tins, paper and boxes
And all the street knows of your horrible vices
The beer, and the wine, the chocs and mince piecis.

And still under the tree
from both Santa and me
are mounds of toys
for my girl and my boy.

While I in my kerchief and he in his cap
Would love to settle down for a long winter's nap,
But the neighbors have put their decorations away
And I don't think Santa will be back with his sleigh.
So up to the housetop my dear one has gone
While I'm in the living room having a moan
As I undo the tree, the mantel, the tables;
Must *not* stop to read all the Santa Claus fables.

Then from the teen's bedroom there came such a noice
Of a thumping of bass and a wailing of voice;
I ran to the foot of the stairs with a frown
And shouted in rage, "Turn that bl**dy thing down!"

"No," screamed my teen, and my face turned red.
I stormed up the stairs to knock sense in his head.
But before I reached the top of the flight,
I heard a crashing sound in the night.
Old St. Nick on the roof top, I wondered,
No, 'twas a burglar. We were getting plundered.

As I drew in my head
at the sound of the crash
My head hit the window
In a bone-splitting "SMASH!"

It wasn't a burglar
As I had suspected
Just our least favorite son
Who was feeling rejected.

Where's your spirit of Christmas?!
I heard myself bellow...
We've been waiting for a week
You ungrateful fellow!!!

Behold! At the sight of him, I stared and I shook!
He was clean, shaved and pressed!
A right spiffy look!
I couldn't believe how well he was dressed!

Hi Mom! He greeted me,
And grinned ear to ear.
His look had defeated me
Then he told me with cheer...

MY drug test was clear and my parole officer loves me,
My grades are all stunning and and Dad doesn't bug me.

I knew in a moment this must be a trick.
this kid's been a problem since late '96.

More rapid than relatives
Returning my gifts,
He insisted he'd changed
And would heal family rifts!

But I had decided to paint the town pink
And dressed in my diamonds, my thong, and my mink...

The town's hottest night-spot refused me admission
So I sat at the roadside and wrote a petition . .

Be careful with asking, my inner voice said;
(Believe me, I'm wishing they all would drop dead!)

When what to my wondering eyes did appear?
But a...

Yes, both poems finish with exhortations to read! I hope that the bonehead who dissed Santa read Virginia's letter and Church's answer with a good ending to his disbelief.
Dear RPers,
I wish you all happy reading in the coming year and as we say in Australia "Have a good Chrissy!"
Ann

Oh Martin.....thanks for that.
It made me laugh just as heartily as the first time 'round. And it was perfect timing......tis the night before Christmas.

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL RP'ers!

Yvonne

Oh my goodness! I haven't been to the RP for awhile but decided to pop in to see if perhaps the old original RP Night Before Christmas had resurfaced. And here it is. I was one of the authors (using that term loosely).

And a new "Night", as well. How wonderful. I need to come back here more often. Thank you for reposting the first poem. I know I have it printed out somewhere and may even still have it my Clippings.

A Merry Christmas to you all! You gave me a very nice gift.

That was wonderful! After all, nothing says Christmas quite like diamonds, a thong and a mink! Thanks for re-posting, I'd forgotten a lot of it.

This version ran in the newspaper this morning ....probably since it's sindicated most US readers saw it, but I offer it here for our friends in other places!.................

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house, I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse.

Instructions were studied and we were inspired, in hopes we could manage "Some Assembly Required."

The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds, while Dad and I faced the evening with dread.

A kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's townhouse to boot. And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot.

We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat  let no parts be missing or parts incomplete.

Too late for last-minute returns or replacements, if we can't get it right, it goes in the basement.

When what to my worrying eyes should appear, but 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,

With each part numbered and every slot named, so if we failed, only we could be blamed.

More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out, all over the carpet they were scattered about.

"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there! Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!

Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand."

"Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."

And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact, that all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact

To keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night, with "assembly required" till morning's first light.

We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work. Till our eyes, they went bleary. Our fingers all hurt.

The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin, before we attached the last rod and last pin.

Then laying the tools away in the chest, we fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.

But I said to my husband just before I passed out, "This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.

Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring, and not have to run to the store for a thing!

We did it! We did it! The toys are all set

For the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!"

Then off to dreamland, at last sweet repose, I gratefully went, although I suppose,

There's something to say for those self-deluded.

I'd forgotten that batteries are never included!

OOOOPS.....

Syndicated !!!!

( I wonder how we would have to define "sindicated" if it was an actual word!! Wouldn't that be creative fun)

The signpost to Ruin, perhaps?