zelda, I am not familiar with the Greek poet but your English 'sounds' OK. The only change you may choose to make is where you write "Like I always said" to "as I always said" . . . just for better English.:-)

Zelda,

I've read this through now quite a few times and it actually has something of the ring of Dylan Thomas about it. By 'ring', I mean the cadences; the music of the language; and the use of language itself. Do you know Dylan Thomas's poetry in English? 'Fern Hill', for instance, and 'Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night', 'And Death Shall Have No Dominion', 'The Hunchback in the Park', to name some of the most famous.

I think it reads very well - you have done very well. Are you a university student studying English?

Dido

Hello,

Thank you very much for your replies. I already made the suggested change, you were right, thank you. :-)

Dylan Thomas is one of my favorite poets, along with Sylvia Plath. Miltos Sahtouris admired him too.You can find many of his poems on the Internet.
Here is a link with translations of some of his works by David Connolly, a British translator who lives and teaches in Greece:

athens.indymedia.org/local/webcast/uploads/saxtouris_english.pdf

I am a translation student studying English and French and I need your advice, so I might send you a couple of translations soon again. Thank you.

Zelda,

I was born and brought up 6 miles from Dylan Thomas's Swansea, that 'ugly, lovely town by the sea' in Wales, and know it well. There is usually a 'Dylan Thomas Festival' going on there, an Arts Centre is named after him, the park of the Hunchback is still there, probably unchanged since his day and productions of Under Milk Wood take place at intervals. So I feel quite close to him.

Dido.

Hello again,

I'm sorry for the delay, I've had a format on my PC and a lot of trouble.. I think you 're very lucky to know the landscape which inspired Dylan Thomas.

By the way, I am not familiar with the contemporary British and American poetry. I like translating poems, prose poems and short stories. Could you suggest me any poets of our days so that I look up for further information? Thank you.
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Here is my second homework, the translation of a prose poem by the Greek poet K.G.Kariotakis (1896-1928):

"The Garden Of Ingratitude

I shall grow the most delightful flower. In human hearts, Ingratitude I shall sow. The time is propitious, the place is fit. Trees get cracked by the wind. In this gloomy atmosphere, serpents stand upright. Each brain, a counterfeit. Human works are nothing but freakish foetuses, we keep them in jars. In this forest of masks, we try to live. I, myself, shall grow Ingratitude.
When the last spring comes, my garden will be full of exquisite samples of the kind. On moonlit nights, I shall be walking alone on those sinuous streets, counting the blooms. I bring my lips, eyes closed, near the darkling velvety garland: I can almost feel the pointed stamens and suck their perfumes. The hours will pass, the stars will wander, the breeze will breathe and I shall remember, bowing as long as it lasts.
I shall remember nothing but clenched fists, deceitful smiles and the perfidious indifference.
I shall stay motionless, during days and years, without thinking, without seeing, without expressing myself. My whole being will become a bitter remembrance, a statue around which exotic plants will grow, thicken, entangle with each other, gaining the air and the earth.
Little by little, their branches will tighten around my neck, mess with my hair, embrace me and hold me like humans do.

Under their firm pressure, I shall be sinking into the ground.
And my garden shall be the garden of Love."
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Please, tell me what you think of it. Two more poems will follow the next days. I would like to know how they sound in the English language and whether, in your opinion, any changes should be done. Thank you very much. :-)

What an evocative poem! I admire your translation skills.
I think that for "samples of the kind", "specimens" would be a better fit- "...my garden will be full of exquisite specimens." This is the expression most generally used when describing a prize garden.
Also "I shall be sinking into the ground"- the tense is different to that in the rest of the poem. "Shall be sinking" implies a continuous process. I think it would be better "I shall sink" (one time, when the branches drag me down).
Again, well done. Shall you publish your translations when you have completed them?

Hello, thank you very much for your remarks, you have been very helpful. I didn't know the expression "specimens", I will make the change, the same goes for "I shall sink".
Yes, I would like to publish them. In any case, I will definitely post them to a couple of forums (including this one) as a pdf file. I always count on the opinion of native speakers.

The following is the translation of a poem written by another Greek poet, named Anastasios Drivas. The next one ("The Lord") is again by Miltos Sahtouris.

" What have you done all day today
the mountains drunken by the sun
happily sleep without nightmares,
baby-wise they closed their eyes,
nursed at their motherÂs breast,
in the arms of their speechless mother.
Blue red-hot mineral
waved over matter, Sol
made new wild ocean beds,
stripping the ageless skin of matter.

Twilight came
murderous curtain
ink of the night
what have you got to say."

[Sol=the sun]
------------------------------

" The Lord

I shall light up the wild, tenebrous palace with a blinding light. I shall cast colours everywhere I must ; the dragon, in a niche, becomes a twig of almond-tree in full blossom because this year I really got frightened by the wintriness, the loneliness, December and all those deers that cunningly passed, at nights, underneath my soul."
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Again, how do they sound? Thank you.

An exquisite poem. I am not sure you should use "wintriness". (Is there such a word?) Also, after "what have you got to say, I would put a question mark.

Thanks for sharing this work.

Re: "The Lord"
The first line is beautiful! The phrase in the second line, "really got frightened", seems to be more colloquial than universal, and doesn't seem to match the elegance of the first line, at least to my ear. Also, there should not be an 's' on 'deers'; the word 'deer' is a collective noun which, in English, is spelled the same whether it is singular or plural. Everything else is lovely!

zelda, here at Reader's Paradise most of the members are from the USA whereas I am from England so some of our uses of English are different. :-)
So in English English it is possible to use wintriness in your poetic sense.
In 'The Lord' I would also remove the 's' from 'nights' so it reads "all those deer that cunningly passed at night . . "
Finally, as someone from England in 'The Garden . .' I might change 'mess with my hair' which sounds rather colloquial/informal. 'Tangle' would have fitted better but you have entangled in the line above, so maybe 'twist' or 'twine'?
But these are beautifully evocative pieces of writing so please don't be put off by what I suggest.

Vee - Good point about the differences between English-English and American-English. There have been many threads that celebrate those differences here at RP. Translation is quite an art!

I don't have anything constructive to add, but I want to let you know I have greatly enjoyed these translations and found them quite inspirational. I hope you will give us some more!

Hello again, I can't tell you how much I appreciate your help! To start with the "Lord", you 're absolutely right about the 's'; also, "deer" rhymes with "year" and "night" with "light", so it is by far better this way. Thank you. :-)
About "wintriness": I found this word in Roget's Thesaurus (Penguin). Another great dictionary I use (which is downloadable and completely free) is "The Sage". You can find it here:
http://www.sequencepublishing.com/thesage.html

As for the expressions "I really got frightened" and "what have you got to say", I can see why you don't like them here (they are informal), but nothing else comes to my mind. Should I, perhaps, say "I was really frightened by" and "what can you say?". Any ideas?.. But, in any case, I think that "what have you got to say?" is an expression that makes impact.

In the "Garden", "twine" and "twist" require "around" and I have used this word right before. How about "interlace with"?

I know that there are differences between English-English and American-English. But, as a foreigner, I can't always tell which is which (at least, in the written form of the language). I read books, watch movies and hear dialogues from both sides, I assimilate them, so they really tend to become one in my mind and my sense of language. I found a very interesting link on this subject :
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/American_and_British_English_differences

and when I have more free time, I will look for the threads in this forum.

After I finish this work, I will post it to your forum. This will take a few months, so soon I will need your advice again.

Also, if you read contemporary poetry (I mean, of our days), please, give me some information (names of the authors, sites). I want to translate fresh stuff that hasn't been translated to Greek before.

Thank you all very much for your kind replies and for your cheering words.

Zelda - As far as "Lord", you might say " I was truly frightened", or "I was deeply frightened."

Maybe "What have you got to say?" would be better if you left out the word 'got'? "What have you to say?" still has the sense of impact or challenge without the guttural 'g' of 'got' taking center stage in the line.

"Interlace with" is a an excellent choice for "In the Garden".

As far as contemporary poets, Jane Kenyon, Maya Angelou, Sylvia Plath are three that I can think of.

Thank you!