It certainly doesn't sound like you're getting a fair deal.

How long before the lease runs out? Maybe you could move into a smaller home then if it isn't too long. Maybe you could write down all the expenses, incomes, etc and show it to your daughter and SIL (or leave it lying around where they can see it). Is your SIL more receptive? When trying to budget there is always the unexpected.

Can you cut down on your bills for a while? The power bill sounds very expensive, we only pay just over $200 for 3mths (My hubby, myself and 4 kids - 5yrs to 12yrs - and at the moment, for a few weeks, a 22yr daughter and boyfriend) but we don't have aircon, though I use the dryer for 1/2hr most days for small stuff and have a dishwasher. Our phone bill, including internet is about the same as the power bill, also includes my mobile which is only used occassionally. Food to feed us all and 2 large dogs, 2 cats & 3 birds comes to $450 - $500 fortnight and that includes some luxuries.

Maybe have cheaper type meals (tell them you can't afford any better) and cheap brand products, and only give the littlies (and your 17yr old) a christmas present, don't give one to the adults. It may give them a hint if they see cheaper brands, etc.

You know, what Goldhills has said about writing down all your expenses is a very good idea. Even if it gets you nowhere with your daughter, it helps you see where you could budget better. You have to write down absolutely everything though to see where the money goes. You might find ways to cut back that you hadn't really thought of.

I don't think your daughter is being fair about the whole thing, but at that age a lot of people are a bit self centred. If she moves out I think she will be in for one hell of a shock when reality hits! It sounds like it would probably be better for you in the long run.

Hope things work out okay for you.
Cheers,
Dee.

Looking at what your daughter contributes, it doesn't seem as though you'd be much worse off if she does leave. Trouble is, if you agree to this she probably won't leave and the situation will drag on indefinitely. At the moment your daughter is in control and you need to change that.
Do you rent through an agent? If so, I suggest you approach the property manager and tell him/her what's happened. Breaking a lease is not impossible. Most landlords would prefer a tenant to leave than stay on and not be able to pay the rent. If you are not sure of your rights and obligations, then contact your local rental authority. In NSW, the bond can be transferred from one property to another, saving you at least one up front expense of moving, so see if this is the case in QLD.
What does your husband think of the way your daughter is treating you and your son? Is he supporting you in your concerns or sitting back and letting you fire all the the bullets?
You don't need me to tell you that the longer you let this situation go on the worse its going to get. So please, seek help, seek advice, and above all, find out what your rights are. Only when you are informed can you decide what you're going to do. You don't have to tell anyone what you're doing until you've got it all sorted out. You'll feel much better then.
Please let us know how you get on.

Start buying sufficient food to cook meals just for you 3, and let them buy their own food. If she is going to move to a new place then she should start learning how to budget, and how to cook, so this will be for the better for her too.
Eat at different times, so you aren't in each other's way.
Make sure she is doing her share of household chores too.
She is acting like a spoilt child, and her parents are letting her get away with it. Don't let her blackmail you. Like someone else said - it sounds to me as if you will actually be BETTER off financially once they move out.

I know this is a very difficult situation for you and your husband, but I think the idea of writing it all down and then talking to both your Daughter and SIL, at the same time, is what is needed here. They need to see that they are being unreasonable, I would even go to effort of showing them just what you have left of your weekly income once you have put money aside for, or paid the bills.

g'day deby,

yeh that power bill is a killer even for that many people, ours for 2 adults in an eco' designed home is around $117 per quarter so i would imagine you should be able to trim to say around $300 per quarter. and what about getting a cheaper rental $400 sounds pretty expensive must be a mansion of sorts.

extended family living can be fraught with difficulties because it is not only your children you have to live with it is there partners and offspring as well. you would need to have a good dispute resolution process in action and have regular say monthly meeting to discuss all issues, but you must have some sort of rise and fall clause for the cost of living factor balanced against income and capacity to contribute and the rising costs of commodities.

maybe some of the fledglings should fly the coupe and try it alone for now while you and hubby find cheaper digs?

len

mail len

lens garden page

As far as moving out goes - approach your agent. You might find that they are reasonable people and will let you break the lease if they or you find another suitable tenant.

Thanks everyone-some good points. I have done a detailed budget of where our money goes-food mainly! Feeding 5 adults and two kids is a big task and of course if you don't pay for it you tend not to be very economical with it,I try to provide us with good food without going over the top financially, we don't buy snacky rubbish food, everything is expensive at the moment-i saw half cabbages at the supermarket last week for $2.50!And yes our electricity bill is exorbitant, daughter and SIL run their air con all night in summer-I can't do much about that but i am going to introduce some other things that should help to reduce electricity costs-restrict clothes dryer and dishwasher use for starters, we don't use our air con and my son has his on a timer. I think what I will do is wait until after xmas and then call a family meeting and say unless finances can be more fairly distributed we'll have to give up sharing-My daughter is a tough cookie and SIL basically does as he's told! So he just follows her lead, my husband always drops the price of things into conversations-several nights ago when we were clearing up after dinner he said something about the electricity bill being nearly $700 and the silence was deafening-good way to clear a room! Luckily we have most of it direct debited from our account fortnightly otherwise we'd never pay it. The last time i had a money conversation with my daughter she said "oh you always complain-you don't pay my car insurance anymore that saves you $100 a month"-up until early this year i used to pay her car insurance but put a stop to it when she changed cars. She also always brings up the fact that my son doesn't pay any board etc-it's no good pointing out that he has been a full time student up until now and doesn't have any money to contribute and that when she was his age she had a full time job and never paid any board! The rent on this house is not all that high for it's size and location-if we move out we'll probably be paying more rent that we do now but hopefully save in other directions, food, electricity etc. i think living independantly would be good for them and an eye opener-she just doesn't get a lot of things, for instance the phone. Our phone bills are about $150 to $180 a month which is not too bad, they have their own mobiles. If I suggest they share the phone she'll say well I don't use it much and i say neither do I but we all do use it on occasion and we couldn't not have it so why don't we share the cost-no way!Last bill there was a $10 charge for some silly phone in competition that my SIL entered and i said to him that he could give me the $10 as it was his calls-still waiting for it! About 6 months ago we had a big money talk and she did actually agree that it was unfair that we paid for everything and said she'd start giving us $150 a fortnight towards groceries etc but I only ever got one payment-after that it was always some reason she couldn't do it-her car needed registering, now...

Hi Deb,
Just always keep in mind that people will treat you the way you allow them too. You have allowed your daughter to walk all over you (in your own words "door-mat status"). You have to take control again and show her who's boss. Stick to your guns!! In the long run you are not really helping her if she doesn't learn to stand on her own two feet. I wish you every success with your new found resolve to improve matters.
Cheers,
Dee.

A small point about the phone. You can have all but local and emergency numbers barred--either entirely, or without the use of a PIN. (Depends on your telephone company.) No more phone-in competitions at least. (That was the only way my parents could stop my brother from running up $100 worth of mobile-phone calls on the landline each month.) You could then get a calling card, operated by a PIN and working thru a local number, that would allow you to make long-distance/mobile calls with the bar in place. (Again, what my parents resorted to.) If you really wanted to put the screws on and were willing to suffer the inconvenience, you could simply have the landline disconnected and rely on your mobile for essential calls. (Of course, this means that you'd lose internet access too, unless you could use a public PC at a library, internet cafe or post office. Might be worth it though, for the short term.)

Re food: definitely buy cheaper brands. Deliberately stop buying their favourites. Cook food that you know they dislike. Stop taking responsibility for their pets. Sounds harsh? Yep, but actions speak louder than words. And you would no longer have to have fruitless conversations that no doubt drain you emotionally but change nothing. Life is simply too comfortable for them at your place. Time to make them share some of the pain you're experiencing. No more talking: just do it.

Hi Deb,

We haven't heard from you for a while. I'm hoping that means you have achieved a positive result....fingers crossed! Let us know how you went.

Cheers,
Dee.

late comer into the discussion Deb - you've had some good advice so far, hope mine helps:

phone - most telecoms allow you to put individual pin numbers on the phone and send out separate accounts

electricity - just tell daughter she must pay half as they use half

food - ask her to make a list of the food she wants each week for her side of the family and then ask her for the money to buy the food. and tell her if she doesn't cough up for the food you'll feed her kids but no one else. You've got to be tough - even with family, or you'll end up changing the locks and locking them out.