I don't send flowers. I might send a plant if the person has a house/garden or a bowl of fruit etc, or a donation. Exception, is if flowers from a group are sent, I will make a donation, but if I know the person real well, I will send a card

Do to the short life span of flowers, I think a personal note would be very much appreciated by the family. Flowers are really expensive these days. Often if I actually need flowers, I go to the grocery store and get an arrangement. Just as nice at about half the cost. Of course if the recipient is out of town, that won't work.

I am simply appalled when I see the huge funeral arrangements.....I know they are well within the $200 range sometimes. I send a card, with the message that I have given either to their church or to a charity. On a first-hand basis, a friend gave to a children's home when my husband died. I thought it was wonderful.

I rarely do flowers from myself only.....usually it's done with a 'group', often my sisters and I. If they designate "in lieu" of flowers, make donations...., that's what I prefer to do, and usually about $20. If I don't know them well, I send a sympathy card.

Shirley

In this case, I think a card with a handwritten note would be appropriate.

The last funeral arrangement I sent was a bit over $100 - local florist, delivered to funeral home. It was beautiful and full of Stargazer lilies, iris, carnations - the typical what they call "spring mix", but certainly not over the top grandiose since flowers are expensive.

Have seen silk arrangements done by the florists now - quite lovely, not quite so pricey and a nice keepsake for someone to take with them.

Rosemary, I do as some have said above. Also, if the funeral is in the same town/city you live in, you can purchase your own flowers and deliver them to the funeral home yourself. You can call to see how the funeral home would like you to do it, as to time and which door they might want you to deliver them.

My sympathy to you on the loss of your mom's friend.

Tami

I think a card with a personal message would be very nice. Especially if money is tight right now, don't put yourself in debt over it.

I really would only send flowers if it was a direct family member or part of a group. DH's cousin passed away suddenly last year and there were so many flowers at the funeral that his mom was desperately trying to give them away to people to take home, like she needed one more thing to "worry" about.

I love flowers, but I'm a cynic. They are way expensive, don't last long and frankly look quite depressing once they start to wilt. I'm not sure the family really "enjoys" them at that time anyway. I think 1-2 tasteful displays are nice, but after that it's a waste.

I never send flowers or plants to a funeral. A card with a hand-written note is much more appropriate.

I've been through this with 2 friends in recent years. They each lost their spouses, and the floral tributes were overwhelming. They appreciated the notes much more, and felt the flowers were overdone and impersonal.

I've only sent flowers for a close personal friend's funeral when I couldn't be there with her family.

In most cases, a card is welcome. I've also made charitable donations to the deceased favorite cause, and the family really liked that, too. It's a better way to spend $25 or $50 than flowers.

I find flowers are more often a group gift.

I usually make a donation to the place listed in the paper for the deceased and send a card.

Last summer, I sent 18 full size roses, in a ginger jar vase, delivered = $50. When in doubt....I send flowers.

On another occasion I called a local florist and got an enormous lavendar rose arrangement for a funeral....it was HUGE....they charged me $25 including delivery.....someone had ordered it, paid for it and NOT picked it up....I'm sure it was well over $200....and I found this deal by calling on the phone...

Since I never know what other people are giving....I send flowers.

Here is a link that might be useful: The site I used last summer......

We have a local shop that does wonderful mini sandwich trays, that is normally what I send. If that is not appropriate I send a donation to a charity that I know the individual supported, their church or the humane society.

I like to send donations to some, and flowers to others.. depending on the person. I must say that when my SIL died last May, my BIL let me take a rose and some greenery from the casket spray and I rooted them. I hope that doesn't seem weird.. those plants are sentimental to me.

After our son died, the most thoughful things were people who send cards and shared memories of Scott with us.
Also, it touched our hearts when someone donated money to their favorite charity in our son's memory.
Flowers are something that look nice for a short time but a heartfelt note will be remembered for a long, long time.
Sorry to hear of your friend's passing.

i am one to send the arrangements anyways because i grew up w/ a family funeral home and i'd want it to look beautiful for a funeral. my dad, who still owns the funeral home, provides flower arrangements to the family if they can't afford them or they don't get many. the florist LOVES him lol. i did not know about the silk arrangements, i'll have to mention that to my dad... knowing him he'd want the family able to take flowers to church and home.

i would suggest instead to send the card w/ a note and at a later date send a gift certificate to a local garden center they can use to purchase a memorial tree, bulbs or plant, maybe something they can plant at the cemetary if allowed. a tradition in our family is everyone brings copies of a photo of the deceased person from their collection for the immediate family. i got several of my mom from back when she was a young girl to much later in life. it was very nice! ~ liz

This has been a year of funerals for me both in going to others and in planning two. If you know the person will be getting lots of flowers, I'd go with a small cash donation and nice hand written card. Both my DH and I lost our brothers. My brother did not have a family of his own. In that case, we were happy to receive any money we did as we had to pay for it ourselves. He did not have life insurance and no assets or cash. We definitely received enough flower arrangements but most people sent/gave money and cards. DH's brother had a decent life insurance policy. He was not living with his wife but not divorced. His wife had all say and kept all money even from those where the cards were written out to a different family member. She didn't want the flowers, she wanted the money. That's why the flowers were nice.

Let me also tell you that there's no set amount to give. One man at my DB's funeral gave $2 and for him that was quite a bit. Other people gave $5, $10, $20, $50 and even a couple gave $100 but they were aunts and uncles.

There's no wrong way as long as you give from the heart. Even a nice hand written note telling them what the person meant is a very nice thing to do. There were people that did that and it meant just as much as flowers and money. So do what you can but don't stress about it. I'm sure they wouldn't want you to do that.

I rarely send flowers unless it's a close,close,friend or relative,and when I do it's always a plant.I can't see spending so much money on something that doesn't last.Many times I have gone to the garden center of Wal-Mart or some place like that and purchased a beautiful plant for 1/3 of what a florist charges.Stick it in a cute basket and you have a lovely plant for the family to enjoy.

I never send flowers. I prefer to make a donation to a charity. I recently discovered that the tradition in my town is to send a check to the family and let them determine what charity or church the donation goes to.

First, I'm sorry for your and your Mom's loss.

I'm not a flower person, so mostly i send a card with a money gift, and if the person was close to me, a personal note. Several times, when it was the right occasion, after the funeral, I've bought and took to the closest survivor, a potted tree or shrub that they could plant in the memory of their lost loved one.

I don't believe in sending flowers to a funeral..I give flowers while the person is alive. We requested NO flowers for my husbands funeral..it was even in the obituary to make donations to St.Jude's! There were those that either couldn't read or couldn't comprehend NO FLOWERS! My son and I ended up having to go out to the cemetery the next week, remove the flowers and throw them away..because they were all dead! Seemed like such a waste of $$ that could have helped a child.

Don't know if you saw my post a couple of days ago, but my neighbors Mother died Dec.9! I attended the wake and the funeral, but did not send flowers. Instead I made my neighbor a Memorial Glass Block light (using a picture of her Mothers hands)! I gave it to her yesterday...and she cried. She told me several times how much she would love and treasure it!

I send a card and a few book of stamps or a donation to the fav. charity.

When my mother died, the flowers from my friends, most of whom were out of town, meant so much to me. They called and sent notes and cards, too, but the flowers were a tangible reminder of them at the funeral home.

Still, I only send flowers to someone very close, and would probably send a card in your case.

Since it's a friend of your mom, I would send a thoughtful card with a personal note inside.

For friends of mine or distant family, I send a flowering plant to the home of my friend along with a personal note.

For close family I send a flowering plant to the funeral home & a card with a personal note to the home of the family member.

Thanks so much for the many replies. It's so interesting to learn what others do in this circumstance. The older I get, the more I abhor waste of any kind and flowers seem kinda wasteful to me.

If it was me, I'd rather have the card with a lovely memory written inside, but most people aren't me! :) However, based on the replies here, I'm going to go with a card.

Thanks again for the replies. It really, really, really helps.

Rose

NEVER NEVER NEVER order flowers for a funeral. You get top prices and the flowers that will be dead in an hour if they are not used. IF you insist on flowers go pick them up and bring them with you. Funerals are big$$$$$ send cash the family will need it!! Possibly it will go for a memorial for the person, maybe not. Either way it is money better spent than on flowers!! If you HAVE to send a live plant.

Many funeral homes would just assume you not send flowers. It can be a pain to deal with! My grandfather's funeral ended up with LOTS of plants and flowers- Granny was begging people to take peace lilies especially. Ten years later, she still has several at her house and would love for someone to take them but no one else likes plants (I killed mine- not intentionally!).

Flower shops around the funeral home where Eric has worked call and raise cain when obituaries list "in lui of flowers" or no "flowers". They say it hurts their business too much. I told Eric that if he feels the need to have a funeral for me (I don't really want one, too much hassle) then he is to state that all flowers will be refused- and that the funeral home is not to accept any! Flowers give me a migraine from the smell. While I think they are pretty, if I cannot enjoy them alive I sure don't want to be surrounded by them in death! LOL

We had two funerals in 33 days. Not one arrangement was kept by the family. All were left at the church or taken to the nursing home. We paid for a the obligatory coffin spray and we got a modest amount of arrangements as gifts. I can't imagine a funeral with no flowers..but still they are not worth the money. A memorial donation is a much better way to honor a loved one. In the long run it is easier on the family. The angst over where to leave the flowers was not what we needed at that time. Live plants become a burden. The recipient has to live with constant guilt,worry it will die too.

Is the custom to send actual money or a check to the family a regional (or cultural) thing?

I have never done so, nor heard of it being done in this area. Occasionally the local newspaper will make a request to help with a funeral by asking that you send money to a special fund at a bank.

The question was about flowers. I think the one piece on the coffin is sufficient. That is all that I want. And no plastic flowers for me, please. I tell my DGD not to put plastic flowers on my grave when I die - to just pour a sack of sugar on it sometimes.

I totally agree with arcy above. A heartfelt note and if you need to do more, a donation to an organization, preferably one which meant something to your mother's friend. Sometimes the organization will send a notification to the family of the donation.

Soxxxx, I think the custom to send cash or a check to the family must be a regional thing. It is done here in Iowa but I never heard of it in California.

Sometimes, people feel their best option is to send flowers. I personally feel that a note with a shared memory is best. And when affordable, a dontation to either a personal cause, or one supported by the family/person.
Just remember that it's the thought that counts. My mom plans to doge this issue by not having a funeral, but rather a momorial services later. We plan to honor that wish. That way, friends & family don't have to drop everything & fly in from around the country, etc. Can you tell she's a frugal person? Yup, that she is.

cate, I don't know if your mom having a memorial service will change much. Around here, they are almost interchagable...although funerals have bodies and often a religious service too, whereas memorial services are often used when someone is cremated and they are often held a little later after death (sometimes to allow for relatives to fly in).

There are still flowers at memorial services and people still make donations, send cards, etc..

We do not send flowers anymore. Too expensive and wasteful. When my dad died we gave most of them away to others. We took home what we could.

I work in a nursing home a we receive flowers every week from funerals. Family's can not possible take all the flowers home. I would much rather give a donation than flowers.

I am in the middle on this subject. My BIL recently passed away, and when we got to the funeral home there were not any flowers yet...it looked very stark and empty. Also I think that flowers can be a tribute and comforting to family members.

I understand also that they are expensive and perishable. I guess that I go with flowers from immediate family, but friends I make donations for, or send cash to the family.

Carol in California posted exactly the way I feel. The family will be able to read the cards over and over after the funeral and be comforted.

If the funeral is in your area, a covered dish or paper goods, coffee, a sliced ham, etc. are appreciated and sometimes needed by the family. I like to do that rather than flowers.

I love Liz's idea of the gift card to buy a tree to plant in the spring!

Nnanatricia, the idea of sending stamps is wonderful! I'm keeping that one in mind for the future.

Death is a personal thing and each person's family likes certain things and dislikes certain things. To me it should be based on the decedent's wishes. For instance, my mother loved flowers. Any gift of flowers made her week, or month. To not have an overkill (excuse the phrase) on flowers at her funeral would have been a shame. We ordered 2 large pots plus the casket spray and knew that there'd be a lot of flowers coming, which they did. Turns out the funeral director also owned the flower shop he could "get a discount through" and not only charged us more, but gave us about 1/3 the size it was supposed to be. Needless to say we weren't happy.

Then shortly after my aunt died, (my mother's only sister) and I immediately ordered a large arrangement for her. At the last second my sister and I decided to fly down for the funeral. No flowers from us. My uncle was going, oh you didn't have to, you're not expected to, and all that, but I said, no, I PAID for this and they were supposed to be here! That's the point. I was very embarrassed. This was a big flower outfit and surprised me they did this. They claimed they tried to get a hold of me, no message, hmmm. Then said they'd send something to the house afterward. But I'm getting off the point.

If you're in a financial bind, you should NOT stress yourself more. Send a card with a note about a memory or something your mother said about the departed. That'll have far more value than the flowers in most cases.

I'm also a little sensitive about sending flowers since some churches are now requiring people to leave the flowers for them! I was shocked when I first heard this! But it's happened a few times. That did it for me. No more flowers.

Another thing you could do if you wanted, and when financial times are better is send something to the grave for Memorial Day or her birthday or something. That could be thoughtful.

I don't think expectations are appropriate for memorials at funerals. It's up to the giver what, if anything they wish to do and more importantly, can afford. Don't try to keep up with the Jones'. I say go with a card and a kind word.

And FWIW, if you are thinking of a plant for later, or a tree that the recipient is expected to plant and maintain, make sure it's wanted before you give it. Not everyone likes plants and the trouble to maintain them. Some, especially if they are alone, might leave for a while and who will care for them? Think before you give something just because *you* like it. I don't know many people who don't like or can't use cash! And make it cash (or a check to them) not a gift card!

And for donations, I think the person donating should make the donation and tell the family. It was a lot of time, effort and stress for my father to deal with the number of checks and stuff sent to him, one is to be given to Ladies' Auxiliary (who handled the funeral food), another to Diabetes Research, another to Cancer Society, another to the in-town church, another to the church where she was buried etc. Sheesh! He insisted it be done right away. I said put it in a box and we'll do it in a couple weeks after things settled down but of course his feeling was it had to be done immediately.

"I tell my DGD not to put plastic flowers on my grave when I die -
to just pour a sack of sugar on it sometimes."

Amen, Sistah!

A nice neighbor lady died last summer. Her husband had wonderful flowerbeds. She would spend hours out on her sun porch looking at them. I asked her husband if I could but a nice gazing ball and stand for the flower garden in her memory. He loved the idea. I bought one in her favorite color, red.

Our neighborhood lost an elderly lady this Fall and we bought some really nice glassware for her 2 daughters. They were Fall platters along with stands to display them if they wish. They both love to entertain and loved them.

We no longer buy flowers due to the cost and them not lasting very long. Something meaningful has always meant so much to everyone. Most of us always take in food, too.